There are times where I find myself tuning everything out when I’m talking to Greyson. I’m expecting fireworks to go off inside of me thinking about him or talking about him. But there isn’t, is that a bad sign? I don’t feel a spark I had with past relationships but then again it is early days. I’m still finding myself in this relationship. I’ve been trying to give this a chance, fighting against my instincts. Its like a constant nag because deep down no matter how desperately I want it to work out, it won’t. I don’t feel anything for him. It’s coming up 2 months and he has put labels on what it is and what we are. I dot know what to consider him in my life. Greyson, he is all smitten about me and yet I’m afraid I don’t feel the same way as he does for me. That I may still be in love with Christopher. But he seems to be that bothered about winning me back. He has made no effort, he gives me words but I’ve heard all those empty words before.

I’m often told that ship has sailed and I’ve got to move on. But I can’t. I’m hopeful in the sense that I cant let go of the broken shard of glass, because once upon a time when I knew where I stood with him. It’s like when I knew what his words meant. A time when my fairy-tale prince was a magical mystery, and when I was too blinded by the magic.

I’m trying to give Greyson a chance. He’s a good guy but I’m thinking he isn’t Christopher. He isn’t what I had with Christopher. That’s good but bad. A side of me would take Christopher within a heartbeat. The other side knows that I shouldn’t because Greyson is everything a girl could want in a guy. Doesn’t play games, is straightforward and cares for me in ways I didn’t see in Christopher. He asks me about how my day is going. If I have important things going on, he asks how I got on. He is eager to talk to me but I feel like I couldn’t be bothered. That’s where I feel bad. He’s got such a sweet personality. But that’s where everything about him leads me to think he is falling hard for me. I’m scared not only will I hurt Greyson. I’m scared that I’m not the one he should be spending his time on. What if this is all in my head? That I’m thinking irrationally because of my fear for commitment. There are times where I do have that small goofy smile for texting him, but then I didn’t feel anything when I kissed him. I feel as though I’m forcing myself to feel something for him since we kissed. Maybe, I need to give him a longer chance - after all it took me a while to come to terms with how I felt about Michael, almost a year to tell him how I felt. Whilst doing my daily routine I sometimes find myself thinking about Greyson. But I don’t want to be with him for the sake of making him happy. It’s my life and I need to do what makes me happy in the process. That usually leads to me hurting someone I didn’t want to in the first place.

I wonder how boys feel when their in love. Do they get butterflies? Do they have you on their mind 24/7 do they wait for you to come online for hours? Do they smile at random times at the thought of you? Do they miss you all the time? Do they thin about the smallest things you say?

It took me a long time to understand what happened between us wasn’t my fault. I cannot tell him how many times I went over every detail trying to figure out what I did. Trying to figure out what went wrong between us. And then it finally hit me… the only thing I was guilty of was loving him wholeheartedly. That I loved someone who wasn’t capable of giving that same love in return. There’s part of me that thinks no matter who I could see walking down the street I could see them and think they are great but I wouldn’t want to be with them. It’s like the more I meet other guys I’m starting to realise that its only him I want to be with. And that’s what pains me the most, is to have both a blessing and a curse to able to feel everything so deeply. But then that’s my problem, thinking too much and feeling too deeply. It’s a dangerous combination.

Christopher is the type of guy that I shouldn’t love him the way I do. But I can’t help it, if I could I would stop it. But that’s the thing I can’t control how I feel. I’m the last person to know what is going through my head. Having Christopher in my life is like having my best friend. The only exception is we can both laugh trying to pretend that we aren’t in love. That we are just good friends. But there is more to our friendship than meets the eye. Its like he knows me better than I know myself. That he is someone who makes me a better person. That he makes me want to be a better person because he inspires me. Its one person, who knew you, accepted you and you believed in you before anyone else did or when no one else would. And no matter what happens, you’ll always love them and nothing could ever change that.

Deep down I know why things with Greyson didn’t work out. I didn’t from the start jump in with two feet as I took a leap of faith. I didn’t give my time and devotion wholeheartedly.

“Hey Greyson, can you meet me at the local coffee place?” I asked

Yeah sure, are we just having a drink or lunch is well?” he back texting back.

His replies were becoming hard to reply back to and making this whole situation a lot of harder for me. But I can’t keep a charade going on, this needs to be done. He deserves better than me.

“We’re just having a drink.” I replied back.

“Are we going back to yours or mine afterwards?” he asked.

I couldn’t tell him the reason why it would be just drinks and nothing else. So I blanked his reply and told him I would see him there.

As I passed the window before I went into the restaurant, I saw him there sitting alone waiting on me. I felt so bad for him not knowing what was coming his way. That’s why I think I was so nervous to build up the courage to break his heart. My heart racing as I got closer to hurting a nice guy. I didn’t even know how he would take it, and that is what scared me. I hoped by doing this he wouldn’t make such a scene out of it or there wouldn’t be such a scene. After giving myself a moment I went in and sat down with him.

“So what are we here for besides a drink and just quality time?” he asked.

“Look…” I said. “I would appreciate it if you could just listen to what I have to say, and don’t speak until I’m finished as it will make this a whole lot easier for me. Greyson… the thing is you’re an amazing guy who is really sweet. But that’s why I think that you would be better off with someone who will feel the same way what you do for them. I’m sorry to have done this to you. I never meant for this to have happened but I believe this, what we are has ran its course.” I said.

“Its because of him isn’t it?” he said.

I sighed out of frustration.

“I won’t lie to you I don’t think e is right for you. You can tell me if I’m wrong by all means but I can see it on your face when you say that he’s the one you want. You spend all your time in this hopeless situation that is nothing more than a vicious circle. And you want to stop it I know you do, you just don’t know how to. Well let me tell you how. Choose me; let me be the one to make you happy. Has anyone ever told you that you could do better, that you deserve better. Tell me, have you heard that lately? I know I can treat you better than what he can.” He said.

“Greyson, some people who get attached too hard and fast; almost like magnets. Not realising that all the rest of the people are not iron who will be attached to you too. Some are glass, they look great but they are empty. Some are stone, they have a heavy personality and they are hard to understand. Some are even diamonds, but those ones aren’t made for you. Magnets try to stay in touch, but that’s where I think we are different. We shouldn’t stay in contact like they do because not only would it make this even harder. But like the glass, stone and diamonds we have no effect on each other. Now that’s neither the fault of the magnet nor the glass, stone or diamond. They are made that way. But you’ll get your magnet too and have a happily ever after.” I said as I left the table and walked out the door.

As I walked out I may have felt a weight off my shoulders but I still didn’t feel any better for doing it. A few months passed since Christopher and I had talked about what we wanted with another.

I met him at the spot where he said I was to meet him “ You know you shouldn’t mention a person’s past mistakes when they are trying to change. That’s like throwing rocks at them while they are struggling to climb a mountain. He said taking my hand and leading me to the spot where he wanted me to stand.

I stood there speechless not knowing what to expect from him. He always was one for surprise.

“I know you are with someone else but he wont appreciate the way your hair gets all knotty. He will think what a mess, but I think my god she’s beautiful. He’ll notice how you wear those favourite t-shirts of yours over and over again not seeing how comfy you are in them. I don’t want his lips where mine should be. I don’t want his hands where mine are supposed to be. I like how you try to rap to your songs but you lose your way through the verse and mumble until you reach that line you know again. I don’t want that other guy noticing the way you always smile even when you need to break down. You’re so strong I don’t want him wiping the tears from your eyes when things get too much. I know I messed up, and I didn’t treat you how I was supposed to. But I can’t let anyone know you the way I do.”

“You think you love me but you don’t. What am I supposed to do Christopher? Wait around for you to make up your mind? How do you know you won’t wake up tomorrow or the next day and think I cant do this anymore.” I said.

“Because, I have felt that way with every other girl except from you. I can see my future because you are apart of it.” He said.