I had been up since 11:00am and as time had past I patiently waited for that one text that never seem to come, I grew worried and hungry! Panic set in motion as I questioned if it was even today that we were to meet up. I kept refreshing my inbox every 30 seconds hoping it would arrive any moment now. It became 16:00pm and I still hadn’t eaten anything! Because what if I had just put something on and then he text me. That its time to meet up. It could have been an afternoon date that led into the early nights. Or even the early nights leading into the late mornings. Not knowing when we were going to meet up it drove me crazy. I decided to text him trying for the life of me not to sound desperate.

“Hey Christopher, are we still meeting up?”

“Shit, sorry I just woke up” he replied.

“So what time then?” I asked hoping we were still on.

“I can’t something has came up.” He replied back.

“So we aren’t meeting up?” I asked.

“Sorry.” He replied.

The disappointment and let down feeling presumed their posting positions in my heart. That moment I had realised, not only had I made an effort for nothing; but I had spent my day putting it all on hold waiting for his text. He didn’t even try to save himself. Did I really mean a lot to him? Or was it all just lines? It’s all coming back to me. All the hurt, all the hoping; that he will make it up to me some way unexpectedly. I got all dressed up waiting around; thinking any minute now I’m going to get that text. But no I waited and waited and waited, for a text that wasn’t worth my time. Was I stupid in thinking maybe, what we could have worked… that maybe he has changed? I wanted to believe him so much! But when, it seems like the universe is against you… you can’t help but feel that maybe we aren’t meant to be. Or do I just ignore all of that and still lead with my heart? I’ll do anything to make ‘us’ work. In the end is it worth the reckless behaviour and damage that is left behind.

A part of me feels like we aren’t meant to be. As for the other half, through everything we have been through… it wants to ignore what could maybe be signs. Letting my mind do the talking, as my heart leads me, into the direction of the battle I shall lose before it even begins. It’s like, whatever; tries to keep us apart I am determined to fight it. To get past it, and make my way to our mutual ground where he is waiting for me. I desperately want to make it work. But I don’t want to do the entire running around, being the only one in the relationship doing all the work. That’s what scares me. If I start to make the effort, would meet me half way? I fear, that because he has his new job that he will use that as an excuse to not meet up. Or use it as an excuse to get out of our plans. Am I just being paranoid?

This guy, he is my first love and as much as I want to deny it; I know I may still love him. He will always hold a special place in my heart. Every time my phone buzzes’ I hope that it’s him. There is a part of me that wonders whether or not I should give him one more chance. Hoping that at some point he picks up his phone apologising. Or maybe he picks up his phone and tells me,

“I know it hasn’t, worked out for the times we have tired to meet up what with our busy schedules. But, forget them I don’t care! No matter where we go or what we do, I want to spent time with you – just you and I. I want to make this work. So here is what is happening… I’m going, to be here at this place and at this exact time. I hope to see you there.”

Something as simple as that would be perfect. I don’t need, his whole attention I know he has other thing going on – I do too! We all do. But just an hour of his time is that too much to ask for? Am I overreacting about this whole thing or am I right to be angry. Am I angry with him because I got up and all dressed and waited around just like I used to. To then be told it isn’t happening. Or am I angry because I waited all day for that text? I don’t want to text him first though, because I’m scared it will go back to how it used to be. Me doing the entire running. So do I just leave him giving him a hint that he needs to make things right. Or do I just leave him and let him do all the work. Why are relationships and guys so complicated and so confusing urgh! What get’s to me is, the big grand gestures that make me fall for him. It always has been the small things he would do and remember. Whether that is making me laugh. Or maybe even in the past when, I wouldn’t want to talk about what was bothering me. He knew if he just gave me a cuddle I would be okay.