I tried to keep my guard up but he had found a way to take it down. I know we all have in our lives been hurt, but my weakness is that I think the person will be the same as the one before. I carry that burden of pain as a constant reminder that it could happen again. It's a cautious way to walk through life, I could run, but I've tried that before and I just kept falling and tripping. The scrapes and burns were painful. So painful that it took me a while to try and run at that pace again. So I walk, and I walk carefully noticing my surroundings because I worry if I were to ever fall that hard again, I might not be able to get back up.

I guard myself because I'm scared for their judgement that I appear prettier over text compared to in person. I'm scared of admitting to my feelings because they were my flaws to being hurt. I fear in the way that a kid fears the monsters hiding in their closet, that I don't meet their expectations.

I guard myself because ever since he came back into my life I have had doubts and fears. A part of me didn't trust him. There are two reasons for that. 1) I told myself so many times you do know him, but I lost count how many times he proved me wrong. 2) I couldn't trust him because I knew what he was capable of. That is what left me wounded in the end. Its not love that I’m afraid of, it's the fear of investing all my time into someone, giving everything I have for them for it not to work out. I guard myself because no - one has protected me as well as I protect myself. My own armour has been stronger than the classic shield a knight uses to reflect the fire from a dragon. Until I find an armour stronger than my own it will continue to be my chosen protection.

I guard myself because failure is a well-known friend of mine. And while I have become cautious, he has given me a valuable lesson: always be aware of all that can go wrong. I guard myself because I’m not afraid of love; I fear that everyone else is just like him. I have mistakenly invested my trust into him and he took it for granted. So now I no longer hand that trust out so easily. I guard myself because I can see the damage before it comes. After so many times of trying to fight back telling yourself this time is different, the warning signs I saw before my eyes are the reminder that seeps back in. Its as if you fall deeper with each passing day, but try to hide it in every possible way. That’s exactly how I felt; only exception was my love for him was never a secret. Friends knew it, family knew it and he knew it.

The rapid heartbeat I would get when he looked at me the way he did. When his name appeared on my screen it was clear when I would wear that goofy smile on my face. It was clear how I felt about him, when I talked about him to people they might not have understood but they could see the love was there. I knew I'd miss him when I said the time came that I had to say the one word that has accompanied me my whole life.

If you were to ask me how I would miss him there wouldn't be a simple answer; I would miss him for the laughter he brought into my life. I would miss him for every memory that captivated my heart and soul. I would miss him for those moments he made me weak at the knees. I would miss him for those moments he took my breath away. I would miss him for the way he motivated me to be better. I would miss him for the what - if's that kept me up at night. Little things like, what we could have been lingered around in my mind. Those are just the outline reasons of how I would miss him. But they don't compare to the more meaningful reasons that told me to give him another chance.

I had this perfect little image of what life could have been that I had created in my head, almost like a fairy-tale. I saw myself living in a little flat with him. He would come home at night and I would have ordered a take -away. We would sit in front of tv all snugged up to one another. It was those moments as such I thought he was the one. I would miss him for all that he was even with his flaws, because the way I saw it; if anyone had perfected the art of flaws it was him. And damn, I loved every single one. The moments when I think of him fondly when I am having one of my weak moments. It felt as though he was the only one that could save me from them. One conversation with him was like watching a horror movie and then watching a Disney movie to forget about it all. He's the prince charming in real life, which holds the biggest place in my heart.

There are times where I can still hear his voice in my head telling me that I am beautiful, because he knew me in ways others didn't. He knew me for everything beneath the surface, but that was problem... I didn't know him.

Most of all, I miss him for the little things. The moments, our fingers intertwined and I hung onto our first kiss for every second it lasted. Every time we got a little closer, in my heart, I knew I was always racing against the clock. Our time with one another was like an hourglass with sand, I never wanted for it to run out. As much as I didn't want to believe with the doubts over - shadowing my heart, I knew our time was soon to be up. So if you ask me why I miss him now you will know that there isn't a simple answer. But he will never know what it did to me. A lot of me was lost in him, it was behind every tear that he never saw as I said goodbye.

3 - 4 years down the line and time was supposed to heal me. But after all this time I have come to realisation it’s all just one big lie. You don't heal from time, it isn't possible, and no feelings or thoughts you had back then go away. They just get easier to live with because you learn to burry them deep down within yourself. You know yourself they will always remain unanswered. That’s how you cope with the pain, you get use to it. Time is supposed to make us stronger and wiser. Again that isn't what happens. You would forget who you were without it; all because what you went through made you who you are, that’s how you became stronger and wiser. Your scars are embedded deep down within you they remain. Only you can see them because only you can feel the pain from them. Only you know what you went through. They are not your weakness, they are your reminder that you went through something that changed you for the better and you became a better person because of them. They are not something to be ashamed of. I'm not ashamed of the scar Christopher left on me. I'm sure he will forget the little moments that will forever live in my heart.

Ever since he let me go I keep thinking to myself No this can't be how it ends. No there has to be a way to save us. But in truth... we were too far-gone before we realised. We were in too much pieces to be fixed, you can't fix the broken. What I hate the most out of it all was every time I knew there was chance to meet up with him I was still be hoping to rekindle that flame of ours. But you can't rekindle being in a karmic relationship. The addiction that is fuelled it makes you want to keep trying no matter how many tries we gave it despite knowing deep down it won't work out. But that’s the thing we weren't supposed to work it out. It was hard to accept but worst decision I could have made was to choose to not let go.

It was like this hot and burning sensation that surrounded us. It seemed almost as if it was intoxicating at times. I learned the point of relationships like that is for to let someone in our lives, in order to change us - and then leave.

We met by fate but fate also made a sick twisted decision, we weren't supposed to last. That’s how I know we were supposed to meet by fate, befriending him was my choice. Falling in love with him... was beyond my control. It seems as though, even when everything is against you, you think that you are meant to fight for your relationship, but instead it should be let go when the time comes. And when that time comes we have to be strong enough to let them go and then move on. I learned from him that no matter what relationship, we are in we shouldn't have to chain ourselves to it in order to not lose it. Sometimes you have to swallow your pride and accept your time has come and gone.

But I didn't fall in love with him because I was lonely or lost. I fell in love with him because for the first time in my life I knew with every waking moment I spent with him I wanted to make someone a permanent part of my life. I keep thinking of how much I loved talking to him, how good he looked when he smiled; how much I loved hearing his laughter. I dreamed about him on and off, replaying our conversations; laughing at the funny things he said. I've memorised the way he used to look at me. I catch myself smiling again at what I imagine. I wonder what would have happened the next time we're together. And even though neither of us knew what the future held, I knew one thing for sure; every step of the way I wanted him by my side.

That’s what catches me off guard, the fact that I fall for our memories everyday because those memories that I reminisce about never fade. I won't lie I was searching for some kind of forever with him, because some people search their whole lives to find what I had found in him.

He was so special to me. He was the only one I wouldn't have minded losing sleep for, the one I never got tired of talking to, and the only one who crossed my mind constantly throughout the day. He was the only one who could make me smile without trying, he was the only one who could change my mood without the intension to and affect my emotions with every action of his. He was the only one I was afraid of losing and he was the only one I wanted to keep in my life.

I know everything happens for a reason, but sometimes I wish I knew what that reason was. I can't seem to give myself a reason to why it hurts to lose him, knowing he didn't fight to keep me. I have to convince myself that one day it won't hurt anymore. All this time I thought he was healing me but instead he just broke me even more. He broke my heart with his silence. He couldn't even, give me the last gift of closure that’s why I am so conflicted loving and hating him. Between knowing the truth and making continuous excuses for him about his lack of actions of his intensions for me.

I couldn't prepare myself for his silence that broke my heart. I thought this time round I would be able to cope, but I guess I was wrong about that. I tried to prepare myself for how it would feel, but I underestimated its affect it had on me. A part of me does miss him but I know I'm better off without him. I want him out of my life, but I then there is a part of me that never wants to let him go. Its funny how people claim they want you in their life yet they let go of you so easily. All I ever wanted from him was to try harder. Try harder to keep me; try harder to stop me from walking away. Try harder to keep us. To show he really wanted me by his side, its very easy to just walk away from someone. But someone who truly loves you will fight for you as much you fight for them.

But how do you keep someone in your life that doesn't want you in theirs? So I made my choice and I walked away. I didn't walk away from him because I never loved him. I'm sorry but I love myself too. I didn't stop fighting for what I believed in, I just couldn't continue to feel as though I was fighting by myself. So it's not that I gave up on us, I gave up on trying to get him to see I deserve better. The thought of someone to fight for you and what the two of you represent is seen as something romantic. The idea that someone is fighting to win you back to have that happiness. The heavy weight on my chest from the burden I carry tells me differently. You shouldn't have to continuously convince someone to love you. That’s where I found myself tired of fighting. For once, I want to be fought for. I now realise, that overall he wasn't worth it. There were moments with him that made me really, really happy; but the majority of the time he just shut me out. That's why I made an oath to myself, to try and get over him. We might have had something really great, but I guess we'll never know. I'll never forget the good times I had with him and I'll also never forget how he hurt me.

The whole time I was with him I was sick with this deadly virus that took over my body. I didn't notice its affect on me until it was too late and now I am finding it hard to believe that this deadly sickness that I am living with he gave to me. You don't notice the symptoms they are unrecognisable, but when you do one of the symptoms is an excruciating pain. It’s brought on from his meaningless words. He can escape; he had a hold of my hand and let it go. I can't escape; I'm left there in my mind. I am left with this confusion torture. I miss him. No, let me correct that, I miss the old him. I miss the old him that cared about me. He was like a drug my parents warned me about. It takes over your mind and becomes the only thing you can think about. The more you get a taste of it the more you crave to have it. But like a drug he didn't start off that way though.

He will always remain as this unpleasant memory; now he's my reminder. He's my reminder to be more caution of the people I invest my time in. He is my reminder to see people for who they are not for who I want them to be. He is my reminder to fall in love with how people treat me, not what they tell me. But if by chance if I do fall for the wrong person again, he is my reminder that I can survive the worst.

The truth is I push people away because I can't trust their intensions for me. But deep down I do want someone to tell me that I'm not fine when I tell them that I am. I want someone to just hug me when they see me in my weak moments. I want someone to stay with me even if I'm hard to handle or push them away. I just want someone to understand I'm scared to get my heart broken.

Life will bring hurt and pain, and people will disappoint you, but no one has the ability to break down your walls except for you. So you ask me why and this is my answer to you, I guard myself because I've chosen to be that way.

A sea of whiskey couldn't intoxicate me as much as a drop of you

~ JS Barker.