I had thought about it long and hard. Nights turning into days and days turning into nights. I had finally made a decision. It had only been a two days since I had last talked to him and I wanted to message him SO badly! But I would seem too desperate. I needed to act like I wasn’t all that bothered by it, I needed to play it cool. There was a part of me that wanted to take him back. Not out of what I used to feel for him, those feelings were long gone. I made a pack with myself, if I were to ever start to feel again; then I would tell him and leave unless he returned my feelings. In the time, I had been on my own I learned; that sometimes you have to think about yourself and your life. I let a week pass by before I messaged him. I let my fingers run through the keys as my mind did the talking. My fingers hovered over the keyboard of my laptop as I thought of what I should say I response to his text.

Okay so I’ve been giving it some careful consideration… I have thought about it and yeah I’ll be friends with you again. I’ll admit I’ve missed having you in my life, but things need to change. I want a friend who will be there for me. Who I know can count on and will support me. And in return I will do the same I want a friend I know I can trust. And if we make plans, and you know you cant make it then give a message and say. Don’t be dry with me or angry with me. A friend is supposed to be here for you. I may not be able to help but I can talk things out with you. That’s all I ask. Now things won’t go back to the way, things were it will take time. But if I feel that you're messing me around, understand that I will have no problem cutting you off. But I hope that doesn’t happen” I replied back.

"I promise I will make sure that does not happen. Thank you so much for giving me a second chance, you have no idea how happy I am to hear you say that.” He responded.

“Please don’t make me regret this decision.” I replied back.

“You won’t, and I know it may be too soon but what about meeting up this weekend?” he asked.

it should be so simple what to reply but everything he had to say I froze and was stuck what I should say in response to him.

“Yeah sure where do you want to meet?” I said.

Why did I just agree to doing that? He’s an ex and now that means I have to make an effort to dressing up nice, urgh!

“What about Stars, its half way from both where we live.” He suggested.

“Okay.” I replied back.

“What time? 17:30pm – 18:00pm” I suggested.

“Yeah sure, no promises on me getting drunk: P” he replied back.

“Mmmhhmm, we’ll see” I typed with the laughing face, sassy girl and wink face emojis.

“By that I mean it takes quite a bit to get me drunk :p.” he replied back.

“Me and you both.” I replied with the sassy girl and laughing face emoji, ending my sentence.

“Well challenge accepted in that case.” He replied back with a winking face emoji.

I don’t know if it was the way he was talking but he seemed as though he had changed. Am I stupid in thinking to consider taking him back into my life?

It was the next day and as planned to get my best friend Emily. I told her about the conversation, her reaction wasn’t surprising; as usual she made it her priority to publically humiliate me.

“What are you stupid!” she fog – horned.

I waited for the embarrassment to pass as I carried on walking towards my house. With every step I had taken people looked at me as though I had committed a crime.

“I don’t think you really want the answer to that,” I said.

“So let me get this straight... you are going… on a date with your ex! Who happened to be your first love.” She said baffled.

“It isn’t a date! Its… two friends having a meal and drinks.” I protested.

“Two people, who used to have feelings for each other being alone, just the two of them, It’s a date!” she said fighting her case.

“No its two friends having drinks.” I said standing with my point.

She gave me that look as if to say really?

We reached my house and went upstairs to my room only to then flop on my bed.

“But you heard what I told you. Doesn’t he seem like he changed?” I asked her. I new the moment I asked that, I was asking for the bandage to be ripped off quickly. She never did have a high approval of him – she tolerated him – only just.

“Yeah I will the benefit of the doubt. He does deserve a second chance to explain himself. But I say come with you.” she said not joking either.

“What!” I coughed cleaning my throat “Wait no no no you aren’t coming.” I begged.

“Well, you better change venue’s cause I will wait all day till I see you two coming in. It will be three friends having a catch up!” she said in her favourite tone of all – sarcasm.

“No you are not coming this is between me and him.” I said.

“But he’s an old friend it could be three friends catching up, wouldn’t that be good. I’m sure there is a lot we could talk about. Heck even catch up on.” she said.

As I sat on my bed I rolled my eyes as I caved in “Okay maybe it’s a date!” I gritted y teeth and clenched my jaw as I mumbled, “Who happened to be friends that had feelings for one another.”

She looked at me as she wore that smug look on her that said, “Ha, I’m right!”

She continued to give me a lecture.

Difference is I can look at someone and know they have change. You let you feeling’s get in the way. She made a point but a cheap shot.

“That is so not… okay it is a little true. But only for him is my judgment clouded. Majority of people I am pretty good at reading.” I sad hoping she would gave me somewhat little credit.

“So what are you wearing on this date? I mean if I’m going to be seen in public with you, at least dress decently.” She said me more with her point proven.

“I’m torn between, wearing something says look at what you lost best your jealous. Or do I wear something that says sup!”

“Okay lets get one thing straight… you are not allowed to wear joggies or any other sports wear!” she said as she mentally drilled that into my head.

“So what do I wear? Because we are basically out of options.” I sarcastically said.

“First off, you will have your hair down and you’re going to ear a bit of make – up.” She said.

My face screwed up at the thought of having to make effort, urgh!

“As for what to wear I know the perfect thing for you.” she said.

She walked into the death hazard that was my closet. Pulling clothes I had long forgotten about or had out grown. Before I had known it had a pile from the floor to the ceiling. I gave her look as if to say Yeah I’m not trying all of those on.

“You lied this is several things you said one. You lied.” I whined.

“Its either this or we go shopping.” Was her response.

“Urgh!” I let out as I tilted my head up towards the ceiling.

“Fine you win!” I said as I dragged the first combination of clothes with me to the toilet to get changed.

What seemed to be hours of a lot of effort; for just one night eventually conquered the never-ending pile of clothes. However, Emily was right! She matched and coded me perfectly. For once, I looked flawless and not a hot mess; in disguise amongst the crumbs of food I indulged myself in. Wearing joggies and some sort of sports top. The process was long ad from my side tedious! I felt like I was the girl out of princess diaries.

“So how you feel about him?” she asked me as she smeared the first layer of make – up on me.

“Honestly? I don’t know. I said as I shrugged my shoulders “I literally don’t know what I want with him. All I know is either way maybe I can give him another chance. I’m not as stupid as I used to be so I could make sure I would make him work for me. I think whatever way it goes it might turn into more than a friendship.”

“Do you want more than friendship?” She asked as she rubbed the foundation into my skin.

“It isn’t all that easy talking as you move my face around, and I don’t know.” I said shrugging my shoulders.

“How do you feel about him?” she asked as she painted the brush on my cheeks.

Ignoring he taste that would appear in my mouth as she painted my face with blush I said, “I guess we will be friends because he used to feel the way I felt about him back then. But he couldn’t admit it. He doesn’t feel the same way anymore so maybe it will just be friendship.”

“Does it feel the same as you sued to feel for your ex at the beginning?” she asked as she took a step back, checking that there wasn’t any patchy parts on my face with the make – up.

“No this… whatever it was that I felt – it was totally different with Christopher.” I said as I began to smile like an idiot. “This was something I had never felt. I was never down what he left, I was happy because I knew I was going to be seeing him again soon. Every moment I spent with him gave me just one more reason to fall in love with him all over again.

“When you’re talking to him what is it like?” she asked as she now moved onto doing my hair.

“OKAY!” I said as I put my hands, “You’ve got me, I smile when he messages me. But that doesn’t mean anything. Chances are I’m laughing at what is said between us.”

She gave me that yeah sure okay let’s go with that look.

“Do you smile or get butterflies when you see his name come up on your phone?” she said taking the straighteners to my hair.

“No I don’t get butterflies. But having this conversation about this I kind of having butterflies. But that doesn’t mean anything. “ I said.

“Stop it!” she said assertively.

“Stop what!” I asked confused.

“Trying to convince yourself what your feeling is nothing.” She said.

“Its not like there…” I said as I became hesitate to admit my thoughts to her. “Has been times where I wished he was here with me. That we were cuddled up. But that doesn’t mean I like him. It means, I just miss the company we once had.”

“Does it though?” There is a different from company and feelings” she said as she gave me the doubt look her face.

“You know it isn’t a bad thing to feel – it is actually quite normal believe it or not. It doesn’t make you vulnerable; it doesn’t make you weak, it makes you human.” She said as she enlighted me with her wisdom.

“It does make me vulnerable… to his charms. That’s when I become weak, that’s when I become human. I really do think it’s just past feelings coming back. Which can always happen with people like him.” I said trying to fight my case.

“Urgh!” she said as she set the straighter at the side. “Your impossible I give up!” she said as she buried her face into the nearest pillow.

I know in truth, but I don’t want to admit it Emily. What happens where it happens all over again? For me to admit something as big as my feelings, it’s scary. You know me I don’t like being vulnerable; because once you take that away I am left defenceless. That’s when shots fired. That’s why I don’t act tough but keep a shield, a wall and then a few guards. I am hoping that I feel for him it goes away. That’s why it’s easier for me to become numb to feelings. “ I said.

Lifting her head from the pillow she said, “As human we need feelings.”

“Yeah, I didn’t bargain for that. Is there another offer I can take?” I said jokingly.

“All I am going to tell you is you clearly do care. You are having your hair down! You are getting all dressed up, having make up on! AND you are nervous. You are showing all the typical signs. You do care.” She said.