In one moment I find myself fighting for my right to sleep and then the next I find myself in my room with Christopher all cuddled up to one another. My hand rest of the cuts of his abs. His arms around me as I’m cuddled into his shoulder, both of us asleep. To feel in touch and presence again it felt so real. I shouldn’t have been but I couldn’t help but smile at the thought of it. I then opened my eyes and I was alone in my bed, is it bad that I felt disappointed. Why am I thinking of him when I should be thinking of Greyson. Every time I see Christopher it hurts me. It isn’t until this moment that I realise how much I really need him. I hate how he is the one who I love, I don’t want to feel this way, and it should be Greyson. But how can you replace someone you have had on a pedal - stool for so long? It shouldn’t feel right… but seeing him there – I felt happy. My head telling me to be cautious, as I play a dangerous game with my heart. I know it isn’t fair to play fire with my heart; whilst it has all these familiar feelings that once was attached to for so long. I know its wrong playing with my emotions like that. But I can’t help but be curious with his intentions with me. Why now? Why after all these years does he want to be in my life? But what about me, what do I want?

What if I become involved with him and it happens all over again. It would hurt double the amount it hurt me last time. Do I really want to put myself through all of that again? They say that there is more fish in the sea. But my question is, is there plenty of MY fish in the sea? Things are supposed to happen for a reason. So there, must be a reason as to why he has came back into my life. Are we meant to be just friends or more? Should we really fight against nature and become something more? But what did that kiss mean? There is a part of me that things the way he talks to me – he seems as though he has changed. That he is actually making an effort be compared to before where I would barely get an answer off him. I don’t want to go back to how things used to be between us, because it was me making the effort but not this time. This time, I have my guard up and I am not getting my hopes up and he can chase me for a change. I will admit to not talk to him even if I am waiting till 7 or even later at night, it kills me! It took me a while, and a lot of strength to get over him after how things had ended. Eventually, when I got over him… I didn’t feel the same way about him. I would used to think, “great the ex” with disgust. My head is spinning, overwhelmed with thoughts, mind working over time with all these complications creeping in at all hours. Until they spin me too fast, too hard and I find myself slumped looking through the rose coloured glasses. Watching everything play out in front of me. Yet all I can do is step back and contemplate who and what when I want it; isn’t love just one big puzzle yet I’m always the one to pick up and place the pieces.

It was late at night when received a text from Christopher.

“Hey, wanna come over?” he text me ending the message with an emoji sticking its tongue out as it winked.

“I can’t. Sorry, Christopher.” I replied back ending it with a sad face.

“Oh come one you can’t tell me that kiss didn’t mean anything, go on one date with me.” He pleaded.

“So you can stand me up again?” I replied.

“Meet with me for a meal and some drinks and we can talk. Come on, give me a chance Delilah.”

“Give me one good reason why I should.” I replied.

“Because I know you can’t deny that you don’t feel the same about me the way I feel for you. Don’t try to fight your feelings, you’re feeling I know you better than you know yourself.” He replied.

Hating myself for my decision making as always, “Fine, one drink and a meal.”

“See that wasn’t so hard now was it? I look forward to seeing that beautiful smile of yours. And I know you’ll be excited to see me,” He replied back.

“Nah, not really. I’ll be happy, but not excited” I texted back.

“Happy about what?” he asked.

“I don’t know… Maybe you buying drinks and the rounds being on you. Maybe the food too.” I texted back, ending it with a sassy girl and the monkey emoji covering its face.

As we texted back and forth it was as though he wasn’t the same person he was back when we were younger. His words didn’t seem as empty as they used to be, that they actually meant something now.

“Nothing else?” he asked.

“”Nope.” I texted back.

“Here was me, looking forward to something else as well as having a drink and meal with you” he texted back.

“Hehe what around you talking about? You are getting something else” I texted back with a sassy girl emoji.

“I can think of many examples *blushes*” he texted back.

“Oh wait sorry yeah! Food! And drink! That’s better” I texted back with the sassy emoji.

“Nope... kissing you is way better.” He texted back.

Did I just read that right? I thought to myself. Did he really mean that? He has never said anything like that; I don’t even know what I feel for him. Wait! What do I even respond to that?

With not knowing what to say I just replied with two monkey emojis covering its face and one covering its mouth.

“What?” he asked, confused at my response.

“Nothing at all...” I replied back.

He prompted me to explain “Come on say, I want you to say.” He replied back.

I became almost too hesitant to tell him.

“I don’t want to end in a fight or argument. But I think you are only saying all of this under the influence of alcohol” I replied back.

“The only influence the alcohol has over me is admitting this. I’ve been anxious about it since we started discussing it.

If I hadn’t begun to swoon for him before now, I don’t know what was stopping me from going back into my old habits.

“Seriously?” I asked, stunned. “But wait you said you are over me that you don’t feel that way no more.” I replied back questioning his honesty.

“Yeah but when I started talking with you again those feelings just erupted back up.” He replied.

“Please tell me you’re being honest… because if you are toying with me, I don’t think I can handle this conversation. “I replied back hoping for him to tell me that he is being honest with me.

“Yeah. I mean every word Delilah” he replied back.

He loves me and the very thought of that scares me. I had been waiting for this moment for a long time and yet all I wanted to do was run, I didn’t want to embrace it. Maybe it was because I knew the most beautiful moments we embrace – can also destroy us in the same place that we accepted them. His words sent a chill down my spine making goosebumps appeared on my arms. He was the love of my life and he was admitting everything he felt yet it seemed as though my heart had stopped – it was a lot to process especially since I had been waiting for this for 4 years. I’m not scared to take a chance on him, I’m not scared to take a chance on us; I’m scared that my expectations, will take over and damage the relationship before it even gets a chance to begin. We have a lot of history him and I but I cant base what could be a relationship with him off that. People change 3-4 years have gone by and we have become different people now, we aren’t kids anymore.

The conversation between Christopher and I… I felt bad. Here I have a wonderful guy that Greyson was. He is sweet, he is every girls dream guy, he listens to what you have to say and then surprises you by doing the things you said you always wanted. I mean he cooked my favourite dinner because he remembered I said that its one of my favourite meals. But lately its like when he text me I don’t get that sudden urge to text him back, those feelings that I thought I had felt have disappeared. I don’t know what is going on with me. On one hand, I don’t feel like there’s anything there. But I’m still trying to see if there may be something there for Greyson. I don’t know if this is all to do with because Christopher has come back into my life. I don’t want to stop dead in my tracks with Greyson. Because maybe there could be something there between us. But then I can’t help but I think when I see Christopher online that it kills me not to speak to him. I have the urge to just pop up but then something pulls me back and tells me not to do that. Are these all signs though? Greyson, he is pretty smitten about me but I don’t feel the same way. I have tried to feel something and I just can’t! I really and desperately wanted it to work out between us but I feel as though my heart is somewhere else. Even when I have had past relationships I felt a little something like the typical signs. But when it comes to Christopher I never knew I could love someone the way I loved him. All roads lead directly to him, no matter what one I choose there he is at the end of them. Does that mean that we are meant to be, that we are destined? Or is it an excuse I make for him just because I know I can’t walk away. Or is it because out of all the reasons that tell me to walk away I chose to stay because I can still see that guy that I fell for. I don’t think people understand how stressful it is to explain what’s going in your head when you don’t even understand it yourself.

***

Like every other time I told myself that this was the last time I would be going Christopher chance. I’m all dolled up for him once again watching the door hoping any minute now he will come through it, the only exception was this time I wasn’t holding my breath. Then that’s when I seen him walking through the doors. He cleaned up as well – handsome as always with his sharp cut suit. Putting the spotlight on his best features.

“You look really beautiful as always.” He said winking at me.

Giggling at his comment, I said, “You scrub up not so bad yourself”

He usually started to make jokes and being the fun loving idiot that adored so much when he became nervous. Although, he had the charming charisma and we smiled and laughed throughout the night. I had to know where I stood with him, so I had to break the ice.

“So I have to ask, where do you want to go from here?” I asked.

“Into bed would be good” he said in a joking manner.

I smiled and laughed as he joked around, “You know what I mean.” I said.

“Depends… what you want?” he replied back.

“Do you want to be friends?” I suggested “Or do you want to date for a bit and see how things go from there with each other. The last thing I want if we ever ended up in bed, that that’s all you wanted from me was sex and then I mean nothing more to you. That would hurt.” I replied back hoping he would take the hint I’m not just a one-night stand.

“I like things to progress fast is all.” He said.

“I think having a relationship that progresses fast is exactly how something good can become reckless.” I said.

“How much are you starting to feel again?” I asked.

“As much as before” he said.

“Which was what?” I asked.

“Enough to ask for you to move in with me.” He replied.

I grabbed my drink down the hatch it went. If I was getting through the rest of this conversation I needed more. His answers make more hesitant as he started to become more serious each time he gave me a response. I began to freak out a little; I wasn’t ready for that type of commitment yet. I don’t know he was prepared for me to move in with him. His responses were becoming harder and harder to reply to as the conversation became deeper.

“Wow…” I said with a speechless facial expression.

“What?” he replied back.

Okay, I thought to myself. He has been honest with you and with his responses you are letting your guard down a little, but he needs to know.

“Its just not a lot of guys are like the way you are being towards me. It’s hard for me to tell a guy is being genuine. After you left me the way you did I moved on of course but the next guy was too good to be true. Then here you are and you are saying how much you feel for me. That’s a big thing! How you feel for me. Are you sure you talking to the right person? Especially, when there are others out there that you would be happier with. I’m just me still short and fat, if I’m honest. I don’t have a pretty face. What would you want with me compared to other girls,” I said.

“I would want a happy life nothing else,” he said.

“With me?” I said as doubt came over me as I began to question every one of his responses.

“Yes” he said as he took a gulp of his drink.

“You don’t want to be with me, why would you? I’m nothing special.” I said.

“Not to anyone else no, but to me you are and that’s all that counts.” He said.

He made my decision just that little bit harder each time.

“We need to reach a conclusion – would you want to be friends or date? If you need time to think I totally get it.” I said, hoping that he would take time t think so we both had the time we needed for this big decision.

“I would like both but as I said I like to progress quickly” he said.

“You act like there are only friends or being in a relationship as an option. Why don’t we try to be friends first I don’t want to rush into anything too soon let alone serious. Then take things from there” I said.

“You’re scared and its okay that you’re scared, it just means you still have something to lose and that’s okay. But I’m here to tell you aren’t going to lose me if you let me Delilah. You’re constantly questioning me and my intentions to find any means necessary to not want to make this work. You don’t trust me or anybody.”

I think we should be friends…”

“Don’t do this Delilah I can’t keep going back and forth. The pulling and pushing. I don’t think you’re ready for this, any of it. And until you are I’ll wait.” He said.

In truth I needed time between Christopher and Greyson. I needed time to figure out what I want. If I even want to be with either of them.

This time round he was a real gentleman, and even paid for the meal but the moves he made wasn’t enough to take a chance on him. Waiting outside for my taxi, and he could see I was shivering so too his jacket off and put it on my arms allowing me wrap myself in it. It smelled of his cologne I loved so much. Standing so awkwardly as I waited impatiently, for the taxi to arrive.

“Delilah…” he said.

“Yeah…” I said confused.

“You have something on your lips” he said.

I rubbed my lips “What about now anything there?” I asked.

“Its still there, here…”

He leaned in close I could smell his freshly minted breath as his lips rushed up against mine. Soft like clouds, he was always a great kisser making me want to hang on for that little bit longer. Making me hope that moments like hat between him and I don’t end. His hand on my back making it easier for him to bring me close into him. My heart sipped a beat. We broke away as the taxi beeped at us.

“Goodnight Delilah” he said.

Later that night I received a text from him…

“I had a good time tonight.” He texted

“Yeah I had a good time too.” I texted back.

“I’ve been thinking about what you said earlier, with regards to peoples intensions. Well what if I could prove to you early on my intentions are pure. He asked.

I became curious as to what he meant by this and how he could possibly prove his feelings.

“If I could, I would take your word for it.” I replied back.

“’Cause I think I have a way to prove it to you.” he replied back.

“We’ll see then, won’t we?” I said hoping, as we would spend time that’s how he would prove his feelings.

“What if I said I still have a memento from the very first day I started to realise my feelings for you.,” he said.

He had me hooked now; I was intrigued as to what it was that he had kept all this time to have that little reminder about me.

“What’s that then?” I asked.

“My red belt. I remember it, because when I first met you at karate and we started talking; you were a red belt. I used to look up to you. So when I achieved that goal I realised my feelings.” He replied back.

My emotions mixed. Sad that he didn’t tell me sooner and making me out to be a fool. But I’m angry too that he didn’t tell me. Then I’m torn, because I felt compelled to hug him and be in his presence even more.

“Awww” I replied back as I awed in all in honesty.

“Is that enough proof?” he asked hoping things would swing in his favour.

“Yeah that is enough proof,” I said trying to play it cool. “And you’ve kept it all this time…”

“Every belt I earned when you were at karate I kept.” He said.

I would be lying if I said that didn’t not only resurrect my feelings for him but that I was touched by his words. I would take him back in a heartbeat! He was the love of my life but there’s where I have to be careful. I took into consideration between what he was saying and the past; my mind was speaking, as my heart was silent. I had to make a decision and think what I wanted with him.

“I would like nothing more than to date you… but I can’t and we shouldn’t – it isn’t right. We need to take things back to a friendship. It’s been 3 maybe 4 ears since we were last done with one another. You’ve done things in your life and I’ve done things in mine. So a lot has changed since then. If we want a relationship to work we need to get to know one another again. I think, it would be in the best interest for the two of us to take things slow. I hope you can accept the decision.”

“I understand” he texted back.

I can’t help but think if we were to become friends first then… we wouldn’t have this big responsibility of a relationship over our heads. That we would get the feel for one another’s company. If it didn’t feel right, I would as much as it would pain me have to tell him. But when he messages me my heart, it just skips a beat just like it used to for him! When my friends bring him up I unknowingly smile and have a glow that becomes radiant. But as much as I want to give him a chance, I don’t want to completely surrender myself to him – only to be exactly where I started. Him fine and me left broken. Besides, how do I know it isn’t just lines that he is throwing to me. That I’m not just another one of his trophies to accomplish. He always, was such smooth talker that was part of his charm that he casted upon me. I’m the type of person that doesn’t do feelings I find them YUCK! Perhaps its because I have talked to him for the last few nights. Or maybe, its to do with tonight’s conversation; is the reason why I have him on my mind. However, something is telling me it isn’t that I can say no to not liking him, but deep down I know how I truly feel. Just admitting this to myself my heart is going crazy and butterflies are swarming inside me. I like him, and maybe this is a bit much but I know my feelings of what I used to feel for him are coming back. So much that I could in a few weeks say I love him. (Obviously not to him – more a less admitting it to myself) It’s like whatever it is that tries to keep us apart I am determined to fight it. To get past it, and make my way to our mutual ground where he is waiting for me. I can actually see myself bringing him home and just that thought alone it makes me smile and happy.

Christopher’s Pov

why is it that you don’t see what you had back when you had it? And now that its in front of you and you cant have it, its frustrating I lost the girl that I always loved I just didn’t know how to express all these emotions I had for her. Now I need to show her that I have changed that I’m not the same person that I was. It’s my fault that has a barrier up if only I hadn’t mistreated her, toying with her heart and emotions like that because I was unsure of mine. That was on of my biggest mistakes. But the biggest out of them all was not telling her out loud that I loved her. It’s taken me this long to realise how I truly feel for her. When she does all the things that make me crazy about her. A part of me is scared that it may be too late that she doesn’t feel the same about me. Not once did I see her telling me how she felt. Did she just say she would date me because she feels sorry for me? Dating me out of pity? She doesn’t know it but I am willing to do anything to show her that I have changed. I am willing to do anything to make this work. I want nothing more than for her to be right here besides me lying in my arms.