From the moment I met him, I fell in love with him, it didn’t take me long to start loving him. What I felt for him that kind of thing doesn’t just go away and it probably never will, because the ugly truth of it all is I can’t stop loving him. Not yet and maybe not ever. Not only was he my first love he was also my second. He was the one that was my sweet love the second time around, because he was the only one that can bring it all back. I fell in love with him for a second time and that gave me hope. He was this complete perfect fairy-tale. I felt much braver than the first time because it taught me to forgive. I allowed myself to be vulnerable again. I was taught how to handle the absolute worst. However it helped me understand why things didn’t end well the first time, but it all made sense once I allowed myself to fall for the second time around. This time around this love wasn’t a temporary infatuation or just plain old lust. It was a love that was like something the movies you see or the type of love that you read in books. A love that is blind, not toxic or reckless. It is a love that is so real and pure and genuine. It leaves you with unrealistic expectations.

But it wasn’t because he was my first love its because deep down I knew that you could have been my last. So I invested all the hope, faith, trust and pixie dust that I had. I gave more than just a leap of faith. I gave him my heart, and when I did that, I fell. I fell hard, its not that I want him back right now because things are a little too complicated - even for us. It’s just that I thought somehow fate would bring us back together again. Maybe I was wrong, but when I looked at him I saw everything. I saw my future, I saw a partner, and I saw a home with him.

Come to think of it I lied… I lied about our story, him and I. Are real story is that we are apart of this enchanted circle where somehow we keep coming back to him. Something kept pulling me it was invisible and we were unable to stop it. I promised myself I wouldn’t go back because I wasn’t prepared to ever let him hurt me again. I can believe that I love him that deep down he is a good man, he just had it bad. Life had just treated him poorly. I tried to understand him. I made excuses for him without him even having to say anything. So I knew if I were to go back to him he would break me once more. If I went back to him he wouldn’t make me happy. And he won’t because he’s not my forever person. If I were to go back to him I would be placing my happiness in the wrong hands and my happiness should always be in my hands.

I wanted a love that is challenging. A love that is so difficult but is also mine. I wanted a love that was compassionate; patient. And understanding. A love that shares my depth of feeling, that is so full of passion. But a love that choses me every day because they accept me for who I am despite my many flaws and imperfections. A love that can read between the lines and interprets the words in my silence. A love that I can grow old with. A love that makes even the ordinary moments seem special. A love that makes me look back at my life and think that it has been worth it. That is the love I want. I thought I had found that with him.

We may have been dysfunctional maybe even toxic. But there’s something beautiful and genuine about it. To always be drawn to each other, to always have that damaged but unbreakable connection. The pain that we suffered will just be reminder of how much we truly cared for one another. It shows how strong we were and how two imperfect people were willing to fight because we refused to give up on each other. After al that you find yourself sometimes having to walk away to realise what exactly is being left behind. So sometimes you let go in order to remember why you held on for so long. Being okay with losing someone so we can find our worth and value again. There will be days where we’ll hate each other; there will be times where we’ll find ourselves feeling like we’re truly done. But there will always be times where we feel as though we don’t deserve each other. So although I’m walking away there is a part of me that hopes maybe one day, you’ll find your way back to me.

He made me understand what it was to throw myself into his bed and embrace the language of fingertips on my skin. He made me understand what it was to fall into his arms. He made me understand what it was to know when you love someone. That the love you feel is so intense you don’t want anybody else but them. But I knew I couldn’t force him to have feelings for me.

I forced myself to believe he gave me security but in truth I knew that he made me anxious. I can’t stop rewinding everything in my mind. Because there is an eternal fight inside of me, one us know its best for us to forget about him and move on. The other part is still hooked onto him. It’s the child within myself that is the scared part to hold back. It keeps running around in circles and getting hurt every single time. I can’t help but wonder where did it all go wrong? Why did it all become so messy and complicated?

At the beginning he was sweet he cared for me, he called just to say hey. But then all that disappeared like someone turned off a switch. He became someone I no longer recognised. I wanted to get out then it was like he knew I was about to leave him so he would switch back to the good old days and become the person I fell in love with. He fed me just enough hope to make me crave more and more. And when I decided to stay everything would be the same so he would stop caring and he would ignore me and treat you like I didn’t even exist. So I knew he didn’t deserve me, he never did. And that’s why I needed to say goodbye its not because I’m a quitter. Its not because I don’t love you.

But because as of this moment I’m done. I hate to be the one to say it. I hate giving up, but this time. I’m left with no other option. Actually he left me no other option. He made me question everything I am and I always wondered what I needed to change for him to notice me. I’m done making him my priority when in fact I was just an option to him. I just couldn’t meet the expectations he has of me. I just can’t be that girl he wanted me to be. Obviously nothing I do was ever enough for him. Would it ever end? Would he ever be completely satisfied with the way I am or the way I would be? I doubt it - he was never fully satisfied. So I’m done. And by walking away even if the walk is painful I’m giving us the chance to meet a person who’ll love us the way we deserve. I am sorry I couldn’t be that person for him.

I’ve also lost all hope that his feelings for me will ever change. I’ve stopped waiting for a miracle to happen and for him to start loving me the way I’ve always loved him. I have to admit at first I was mad at him for not loving me. But I know that was stupid to feel that way. How could have I blamed him for not feeling something? I couldn’t force him to love me the same way I couldn’t force myself to stop loving him. Our feelings are not something awe have control. But even though I’ve accepted the fact that he doesn’t love me, it doesn’t mean I understand it. Because I don’t and I never will. Part of me would like to know what was so unlovable in me. How come he could never even think of loving me? Why was I never enough for him?

I know that is something I will never get an answer to. I know he could never give me a valid explanation just like I can’t explain the love I feel for him. I love him. I’m sure he won’t forget that time I told you that it was always going to be him my heart belongs to. How despite everything that has happened how despite so many people have come into our lives since then. How despite the many changes that he and I have had as individuals its always going to be him. I know he hasn’t forgotten that because that’s not something that anyone would just be able to forget.

It’s painful but I know that it’s what’s right, I had to be the first to say goodbye. I had to be the first to walk away. You loved him and he chose to break your heart and if the day comes when I finally stop missing you, I will have been released from a beautiful nightmare. So for the sake of both of us I have to say goodbye. I hate every single one of the million reasons we never, made it. My heart still has that desire for that one reason that could turn tables. This love story we had was almost beautiful almost perfect almost possible. I guess that’s the curse of all of us stuck in some damn almost fairy – tale. Out of everything I had done or even said he never grasped my motive behind any of it. He never figured out the message I was trying to convey to him. And it’s probably because I never said those three words. But I’m saying it now… I love you.

I’m often asked if I miss him, and my answer? No I don’t. I don’t miss him, I miss the person I fell in love with but not the person he is now. The guy I knew he’s an entirely different person now. I don’t know what made him change, I held on for months hoping that he would still be there. But there’s only so much a person can hold onto before giving up and I’m quite sure he isn’t going to come back. I will always forever be in love with the person he used to be.

I tend to think what if he was the right person for me however, our time was wrong. I hope will meet again in some other realm, maybe in that place almost won’t exist there. Until then I guess I can say thanks for the magical moments we shared. Thank you for the memories.