The Name That Brought it All Back

It’s been four years… four years since I made one of the hardest decisions. I walked away from my first love, because after two years I couldn’t bare the pain I was self – inflicting upon myself. I didn’t know where I stood with him – all I wanted was to know if we were strangers, friends or even involved.

He tried to add me on Facebook. I ignored it, to see him all down my newsfeed all over again I couldn’t bare it. Knowing he is on my friends list and I couldn’t talk to him. It was hard to not just want to give him a message; after being able to talk to him everyday to then go from not talking to him. What if I were to add him back on Facebook and all down my newsfeed. All I see is him liking other girls pictures… girls that aren’t me. I know I don’t own him, and I know we have moved on and went our separate ways. The last time I saw him I was forced to act like everything was okay when it wasn’t. But deep down it killed me. I don’t know if I could put myself through all that again. My heart was like a bomb; it beat for so long until I walked away – I was left in pieces. So I deleted his friend request.

I couldn’t help but think is this a joke? Is he trying o toy around with my emotions after what he put me through! But then, so many months go by and I receive a message request from him. I didn’t know what to think left alone what to feel. I was speechless. My heart jumped in my throat. I hadn’t opened it… not yet anyway. I didn’t know whether to see it and then ignore it. Or to just ignore him. But I was far too curious to just ignore him. I just had to know why he had messaged me. At the same time I was too scared to know what he wanted from me. Just the thought of his message in m inbox terrified me. My flight and fight mode activated, I had the urge to run for the hills. Eventually, after I climbed down from the ceiling, I took a deep breath and made myself click that open button “Accept.”

The damage was done now no turning back. With my phone I my hands I froze, not knowing what to expect from him. He was always funny that way, always-funny full of surprises. I think that’s why I liked him so much. Having not seen the full message, I was being naive hoping it was going to be about one of the clubs we used to do together. Hoping he was asking for their times and what day they’re on, but sadly it wasn’t.

“Hey Delilah, look I know its been a long time since we last talked but I just wanted to say that I’ m sorry for the way I treated you a few years ago. I was a complete and utter ass who was only thinking of himself. I am really sorry and I am ashamed that it has taken me this amount of time to apologise for being an ass over such a small matter.”

Distraught in my emotions I didn’t even know what to say to that. What does this all mean?

Is he messaging me because he misses me?

That he misses us?

Does he want me back as a friend or more?

Could I even do that to myself all over again?

Do I have feelings for him anymore?

What happens if I fall for him all over gain and we are right back to where we started? I would have lost the love of my life twice. Where I am in life, my college life is going pretty well and I have big opportunities in my life at the moment. O I really want to throw that all away for some guy. For the guy that was my first love? I know I’ll always have those feelings for him. He was after all my first love, so I know deep down he will always be the one I never forget about. But I’ve moved on with my life… I suppose though even, when we weren’t together he remained at the back of my mind and always will remain there. Its like I can’t escape him. Is that supposed to be some sort of reminder to not forget him? To not forget the way he made me feel. I’ll admit, I have been on his profile from time to time to see what he was like now. Then again maybe that is all apart of missing someone. Knowing that you are moving on with your life. Why go five steps forward and three steps back.

“Thank you I appreciate that you have taken the time to apologise to me. I do admit, it hurt what you did to me. I tried to make sense of it all. But I couldn’t. I didn’t understand why you did what you did to me. All I wanted to know was where I stood with you. However, can I ask you something? What’s made you apologise to me out of the blue?” I replied back.

As I waited for his reply for several hours I grew scared. Just to even think where he leads the conversation next. Waiting on him. Was like da-ja-vu, when I used to wait a reply for him all day. At twenty past seven I had a reply from him!

“It wasn’t out of the blue, I have been trying to think of how to apologise for the past year or so since I moved away. But I was scared of how you would react after the way I treated you. There was no sense to make of it really. I vented my anger and frustration out on you when it was my shortcoming, that was making me angry and I am so sorry for that. He had typed back.”

“Okay I understand…” I typed back.

“All I am hoping from this is, that you can find some way to forgive me for being such a dick for no reason.” He typed hoping for forgiveness.

“Christopher, I forgave you a long time ago… I just couldn’t forget what you had done to me. But what has made you apologise to me? If you don’t mind me asking,” I asked.

It just goes to show how contradicting I am. Knowing I was better off without him but yet chose to let him in my life.

“I’m starting work next week, and I wanted a clear conscience so I decided to be a man and from up. I knew I was in the wrong and I knew I had to apologise. I just finally grew the ball to do it.” He replied.

“So it’s been on your mind for quite some time then…” I asked.

“Yes, for abut the last year and a half” he replied back.

“Okay thank you for being honest with me… I hope the best for you in the work field you go into.” I replied back hoping that was the end of our conversation. But little, did I know there was more just an apology from him.

“Thank you for taking the time to listen.” He replied back.

“The least I can do is allow for you to explain yourself.” I explained.

“I don’t understand, could you explain it to me?” he asked.

“You already explained yourself I was just saying I gave my attention order to explain why you did what you did.” I replied giving an expansion on my explanation.

“I did what I did, because of a silly little thing called rejection and in the process I ended up doing something stupid and reckless. Thinking it wasn’t my fault – so it had to be someone else’s. I ended up lashing out at one of my best friends (being you) for one of the most stupid reasons in human history” he replied back.

At that moment all I wanted was to say “awww” Christopher and then hug him. The words upon the page were so convincing. I didn’t know if I should have believed him or not. I had the thought at the back of my mind whether, or not if he was being genuine or just doing what he used to. Throwing me lines as he fed me deception.

“So what do you mean by all this?” I asked hoping he would tell me his intensions for ‘us.’

“I really would like to be friends again. But, that would only be if you were wiling to give me one last chance.” He replied in hope I would gave him that chance.

And there it was the unexpected surprise he gave to me… still unsure what to make of all of this I wanted, to know how much he missed me and so I prompted him – he never was good with admitting how he felt.

“I take it you missed me as a friend?” I asked.

“Yes very much so…” he replied.

“Can I have a few days to think about it? I know it doesn’t seem much to think about. But what we went through I need time to think about it…” I explained.

“That’s okay I fully understand – take all the time you need. It took me a few years to apologise after all” he replied.

“Okay thank you Christopher.” I said.

“its me that needs to thank you…” he replied.

I started to reminisce about the moments we had spent together – I couldn’t escape them. It was as though, I was in my own cinema and all the good times were rolling playing on the screen. They outweighed the bad times because that’s how much I loved him. Looking back those times, especially when I tell people about them I still smile like a goof. Then come the feelings of the good times that made me happier than ever. But maybe, I just missed those times and that’s why I hang on to them; because I refuse to let the negative times phase out the good times I had with him.

I thought after we were done that I knew what I wanted in life. I still do, but relationship wise, I don’t know. Here he is tring to waltz back into my heart; as if he can just pick up where we started. Its like there’s a part of me who knows that the strong love I have for him I will always feel that way about him. But then there’s the other part of me that knows no matter how much I may love him it jus isn’t enough to fix thins between us.

But why now? Could I even start afresh with him? What if all the emotions and feelings come back? Then what am I supposed to do? Let him know and get rejected again! Either way I would get hurt. I would have to tell him “I can’t do this no more” or tell him and hope he returns what I feel in return. Or do I sit back and watch him be interested in other girls that aren’t me. I would only be hurting myself in the process.

What if, hypothetically he is one of those people that want me to give him a chance? I do and then turns out he doesn’t want to fix things, but break me even more. I know that not everyone, who tries to break you, does it because they are cruel. But because they are broken themselves. But on the other hand, what he had to say he seemed so genuine. He seemed as though he really meant what he had to say. That he really does regret treating me the way he did. But maybe, just I’m falling for him all over again… then again every time he did hurt me, I did hope that it would be different each time.