The Curse of Eros

Gene Yuan

Love is a four-letter word that I only read in the books, felt in the movies I've watched, and seen in the fond gazes of the couples that I know.

I once believed that cupid is some sort of great God who has extensive archery skills, shooting his arrows of love to mortals that are fated to be with each other. And I assumed that falling in love is the greatest thing that a person will ever experience in life, that love will make you feel complete.

But when I first experienced falling in love, it became something that I don't want to encounter ever again. It wasn't pleasant like how the books described it. Or ends like the movies I watched. And I was wrong to think that Cupid is amazing. Because in reality, he is some diapered-arsehole who likes to deceive people with his love schemes. He is not a great God who helps people to fall in love, but rather, a manipulative and sadistic brat who shoots people with his cruel arrow for entertainment.

What love taught me is that when the diapered-arsehole demands back his arrow, you cannot stop him. He always has the upper hand, because the arrow that he shot at you has a chain that he can pull back whenever he wants to. The moment you try to fight him back, you will be left wounded and defeated. Because no matter how much you struggle, no one could ever win in the tug of war game that Cupid prepared for you. It is his primary game and love is only the bait, his primary weapon.

I am gay. A closet gay. When I realize my sexuality, I wasn't scared and it didn't even cross my mind that it was wrong. Or that I'm not normal. I just need to hide it because I care for the people around me. I don't want them to be unhappy. I truly tried to live the life that my parents paved for me. Not until Eros Ecaldre, my brother's best friend, entered my peaceful life.

He brought chaos in my head, and make my heart unrest every time he flashes his Duchenne smile, or when I feel his warmth whenever he touches me casually. But of course, he did a lot more to make me fall in love with him. When my mother died, he comforted me and taught me not to keep the pain to myself. When my dad and older brother got busy with their work, Eros showered me with attention. I was sixteen back then and he was twenty-three. But I knew that it wasn't a simple affection when I felt the urge to monopolize him.

And for the first time, I got scared of my emotions. It was overwhelming that I decided to avoid Eros without me knowing that Cupid has already made a move. Because the moment that I realized I was in love, I already stepped into his trap.

When Eros confronted me for avoiding him, I end up confessing. But it didn't end with the way I thought it would be.

"I feel the same way. I'm just holding back because you're my best friend's younger brother and we are both guys. Damn! I like you, Gene. I want you to be mine. Please be mine." 

Those words forced me to be willingly trapped inside Cupid's game room. I let myself get drunk with the euphoria brought by love. Too drunk to not see Cupid's wicked smile while watching me with amusement.

For a year we were happy. Our relationship was a secret to everyone we know but we were happy. Not until my older brother caught us kissing and that ends their friendship. Our relationship didn't go south right away, but things became hard between us. We rarely meet when he starts working in the hospital where my father and brother worked at. But as my love for Eros gets deeper, our fights became frequent, and eventually, he delivered his parting words.

I still remember how I begged him to stay with tears in my eyes. I even kneeled at the ground to stop him from leaving me but all I see in his eyes were nothing but contempt.

"Being with you is stifling. I feel like all my hard work will go to waste because of your existence."

When my first love broke up with me with those words. That's when I figured that I am nothing but a hindrance to his future. But like everyone else, I still tried to endure the pain given by the arrow being pulled out of my chest. I tried to struggle like everyone else.

I didn't back down and let our love, and our memories go to waste. I stayed at the place where he left me still trying to keep fighting for us. And keep playing the tug of war that the diapered-arsehole prepared for us. Indeed, I was blinded by love that I couldn't see its corrupted and wretched side. I was overwhelmed with my emotions that I failed to realize that Cupid's game was made for two. It wasn't just me who will play with him.

Cupid shot us both with his cruel arrow. However, it was only me who tried to fight with him when he tried to take it back. When at my beloved's end, he didn't put up a fight and just let it go.

He surrendered willingly, the cruel and poisonous arrow that connects him with me. And that's when I realized, Love is a tug of war game that Cupid prepared for two people, but only one will get to play with him. Like a sacrificial lamb who doesn't have any means of escape, I was left in his den, broken and betrayed by the person I loved.

It was my first downfall. My first taste of defeat in Cupid's merciless game. And for who knows how long, I've been his plaything. While Eros, in just a few months he got a girlfriend. A doctor just like him, a beautiful and kind lady. And while he was living a good and happy life with that woman, I was left shattered at its finest. Like a kid who got lost in an unfamiliar and crowded place, all I could do was weep until there were no tears left.

That's the only time that Cupid let me go from his game room. Bruised and scarred. Lost and lifeless. And that time, I vowed not to fall in love again. Because no matter what I do, a relationship between men is impossible.

I tried to change and forget that fraction of me that longs for freedom. I chained that part of me to the deepest and darkest place in my heart. I shouldn't let him out. That's what I planned to do when I entered senior high school. I become a lone wolf who doesn't want to be with anyone.

But I guess, nothing goes as planned when I met him, the man with heterochromatic eyes who led my scarred self to be free from its chain that I put on him.

Once again...I was led back to Cupid's lair. But this time, I am confident that I won't be left alone. Because I knew that he won't leave me like how my first love did. Or so I thought not until that diapered-arsehole taunt me again for the second time after being dormant for a long time.

'I regret loving you.'

'If I knew that love will make me lose myself... I'd rather not fall in love. Not with you.'

'My life would be better when I'm not with you.'

Hearing those words this time, I ended up bleeding to death. I didn't expect it from him. Not from that person. He is the one who set me free from my chains. He is my compass and without him, I'm lost. He's my world and without him, I won't have a place to call home.

My reason to live.

My keeper.

My lifeline.

And Cupid as a proud God, for the second time, trampled me in his game. But the pain is cannot be compared to my first downfall. It's a kind of defeat that no matter how long it takes, I won't get over it. I was inflicted with a kind of wound that won't heal no matter how much time will pass. Not because I loved too much, but because I trusted too much.

I already knew the corrupted and wretched side of love. But because it's him, the man who granted me freedom, I gambled, nonetheless.

And he left me, still.

That's why if I could turn back time, I won't gamble the second time. And before I even fall deeper, I will put an end to it...

Our first encounter.

--

I slowly open my eyes when I heard a loud commotion in my surroundings. Despite the disoriented feeling, I shifted my gaze beside me just to be welcomed by my first love's tear-painted face. Memories of what happened to us flash in my mind like a movie scene, and once again I felt pain in my chest. Much more painful than the wounds I got from the accident that I got into.

"G-gene..." Eros called out to me and hugged me tightly with trembling hands as if I just returned from the dead. The two other nurses he was with looked away from us but the relief was written all over their faces. "I thought I will lose you again! Don't scare me like that!"

I want to push him away but my body feels weak. I open my mouth to talk but then the door in my room flies open, rushing inside was my older brother, that looked like he runs all the way here.

"Gene!" My brother rushes to my side, and it made Eros pull away from hugging me. His eyes were a little bit swollen from crying. "What happened?" Phoenix, my brother asked Eros who looked overwhelmed as well.

"He had a sudden cardiac arrest earlier and went flat line when Dr. Ecaldre came, but he managed to revive him right on time." One of the nurses said which made my brother look at Eros with gratitude.

"I need to run tests on him to make sure he's out of danger. For now, I'm just glad that he's finally awake." Eros uttered in his business tone and left my room, avoiding my cold gaze.

"I'm glad you're finally awake, Gene. Everyone got worried because you were in a coma for a week after your surgery." My ever-doting brother said in tears while holding my hands. "Do you remember what happened? How did you get in that accident? You were happy when you called me on your way to meet your beloved. Did you fight? All he said to me is that it was his fault. He was frantic when you arrived here. What happened, Gene?"

Beloved. For some reason, just hearing that word, I feel like my heart is being stabbed a thousand folds, which makes me feel breathless...lifeless.

I looked at my brother with tears streaming endlessly from my eyes, totally subdued by this unbearable pain I felt in my chest.

"What's wrong? Gene! Does it hurt anywhere?" My brother asked in a panic.

I shook my head and just smiled at him in tears, as I uttered the words that left him in awe.

"Eros broke up with me. That's maybe the reason why he said it was his fault. Right?" My gaze went to the Eros who just entered the room again.

Phoenix looked at Eros with a worried look on his face. "No way! This isn’t good. He went back to that time." He stood up from the stool and walked towards Eros.

"What time?" Eros asked. Confusion is written all over his sinfully handsome face as my brother dragged him out of my room. But before they could even close the room of my door, I still heard the answer to my ex-lover's question.

"Back to the time where he got into an accident three months after your breakup!"