What if I Am?

What if I am?
Gene Yuan

"Winter, do you think this scene would make sense?" Winter's attention went from his phone that he kept on playing, to the draft that I alter a little for shooting the next scene.

It's been two weeks since we started shooting the film that we will present for the upcoming school festival. Since Winter and I had a private talk in our clubroom, we started hanging out more frequently than when I am just warming up with Sean. I admit that I am trying to avoid being with Achlys Sean for a while now since I'm heeding Winter's advice.

And that is to run before it's too late.

"This scene is good, Gene. I like this more than the previous one and it's easier to take. Good job on this." He said with a gentle and contagious smile on his lips.

One thing that I learned after our serious talk is, Winter is not that hard to get along with. He explained the reason why he acts cold towards me and that was because of what his cousin did. He felt guilty since it was him who gave Eros the idea to confess his feelings. Though Winter made sure to tell Eros that he should think about it thoroughly since he knew that a relationship between men is far worse than a heterosexual relationship.

"Oh, by the way, Eros knew that we are in the same club. He saw the pictures I took the other day when we filmed outside." My heart skipped a beat when he mentioned my ex. We're far from the others so it's fine to talk about him.

"What did he say?" I asked that he answer with a slight shake of his head that I already expected since it was Eros that we were talking about. I doubt he still even care that I exist.

"What was his reason for breaking up with you?" I pause for a moment before answering his question, trying to not remember how painful his words were back then.

"My existence is a threat to his future. It wasn't exactly like that but close to it. He said that being with me is stifling." Winter sighed and pat my head lightly. We're about the same height so it somehow looked weird for me.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have given him advice that time." He said apologetically. I was about to refute when Fyzz approached us.

"Is it just me or you two are getting along more than usual?" He asked with furrowed brows. He seemed in a bad mood with the way his lips protruded.

"And what's wrong with us getting along with each other?" Winter asked raising his brow at Fyzz, which made the latter heaved a sigh.

"You should be aware of your surroundings sometimes. If glares could kill, you're both dead already." Fyzz made a puzzling comment before he leave us alone to buy something from the vending machine since the cafeteria is already closed for the day.

Winter and I looked at each other before looking where our friends are. Autumn and Natsu are both busy with designing the classroom that we will use for tonight's shooting, while Sean and Kaios are both busy fiddling with their phones, so I couldn't understand what Fyzz means. Winter sighed beside me so I shifted my gaze back at him just to see his troubled expression.

"What will you do if the person that got hit by Cupid's cruel arrow is aiming for you?" He asked with an awry smile.

My brows creased to his even more puzzling question. "Is he straight?"

"Yes."

I chuckled.

"Then I'll start running." I jokingly said which made him heave another sigh.

"Good luck with that. I hope you can run at full speed. Because he's quite good at running." Winter whispered before leaving me with a gentle tap on my shoulder. But before I could even ask what he means, Sean grabbed my hand with a grim expression.

"Let's talk for a bit." He announced before dragging me out of the room even without hearing my reply. I shoot a glance at Winter but he as well seemed like having a serious talk with Kaios.

I silently followed Sean with our hands clasped together. Not that I want to keep it that way, but because his grip is so tight that I can't pull away from his warm grasp. I was just thankful that the afternoon class has already ended and the only ones left are the students with club activities like us, and some instructors that stayed behind to do their lesson plans.

Only our footsteps could be heard as we walked to our usual hangout place. It's been a while since we went there and have an alone time together. We've been busy and I usually stay in the clubroom now with Winter. It's also my way of running away from Cupid's cruel arrow. I'm still not totally over with Eros but my reaction to Sean's presence is already alarming. Even now, with our hands clasped together, and feeling his warmth, not only my heart but also my mind is in chaos.

"What were you talking about with Winter?" Sean asked cutting off the trail of my nonsense thoughts and finally letting go of my hand after pushing me lightly on top of the table to sit, with him standing in front of me, making him a bit taller since I'm a few inches taller than him when standing side by side.

I can't tell what's going on with him because of his stern expression that I only see when we're filming. I open my mouth to speak but my words were halted when he suddenly tousled my hair with his big hand. His stern expression earlier becomes sullen. I bite my lower lip to prevent myself from laughing as he keeps ruffling my hair as if imitating what Winter did earlier.

"Achlys Sean, stop it. I might get bald." I jokingly said but instead of stopping, he just glared at me like a sulky kid and didn't say a word. He just remained looking at me with a moping expression while imprisoning me with his lean arms resting on the edges of the table.

Anyone who would see us might think weirdly about our closeness, but before I could even express my worry, Sean stand up straight and sighed in defeat.

"I don't know why, but I don't like it when you act all chummy with Winter." He finally voiced out his frustration after a short moment of silence.

I'm a hypocrite if the thought of him being jealous of Winter didn't cross my mind. But my mind knows better than that, so I stopped thinking about it and just make myself believe that he feels this way because he felt that his sense of superiority in taming me has come to an end when I finally warmed up to his other friends.

I smiled. "Silly, we're just talking. And we're both men. What's wrong with that?"

Sean remained his serious demeanor as he speaks his mind. "That's the problem. You're a man. And Winter can only fall in love with men."

I run out of words to say. I already knew that Winter has come out to his friends a long time ago but he said that he didn't see or hear any negative responses from them. But with the way Sean speaks, he seemed to despise the idea of my closeness with Winter.

"Are you disgusted with gays?" I couldn't help but ask in a serious tone. I need to know so I could prepare myself just in case my secret gets out.

"Of course not! It's not what I mean!" Sean seemed to get even more frustrated with himself. I could see his heterochromatic eyes flooded with mixed emotions while trying to figure out what to say.

I sighed in defeat. I need to stop beating around the bush. And I should stop acting dumb. Achlys Sean is a man who doesn't lie, so I need to be truthful myself so that this conversation would end nicely.

"Are you jealous of Winter?" The question I asked made him pause and for a moment he just stared at me, as if he was processing the set of words that I just blurted out.

"I-"

"What if I am?" His words were cut off by that loud voice coming from the stairway beside the classroom that we are in. Sean and I looked at each other both having confused expressions because we knew that voice very well. It was Kaios.

"What if I am jealous of Gene? Will you stop running away and admit that you like me?" Sean and I both gasped in surprise at what Kaios has said. We know for sure that he is talking to Winter even if we don't take a peek at them.

However, as if our minds were linked, our curiosity to Winter's response prevailed. We tiptoed at the door nearest to the stairs, sat on the floor, and listen to their conversation.

"There's nothing to admit," Winter said coldly that somehow pushed off Kaios to his limit.

"Do I need to be gay so you'll stop avoiding my feelings? Was it wrong for me to love you just because I liked girls before?"

Even without looking, I could tell that Kaios is frustrated with Winter's stubbornness. But I understand Winter even more than before. This is what he meant when he said not to ruin their future when we had our first serious talk. He was talking about Kaios.

"That's the problem. You liked girls before. And even if I date you, there's no reassurance that you will never fall in love with girls again." Winter calmly said.

A hollow smile curved my lips. Even without voicing it out, I knew that Winter is trying his best not to get swayed by Kaios' words. He is trying his hardest for their own sake. Because he knew that everything between them can't be restored if ever they choose to part ways.

"You're being unfair Winter Aragon! Why are you so fixated on the future? Why can't you see that I'm in love with you now? You're the one that I want to be with now! If you're so damn afraid that I'll fall in love with girls in the future, then make me fall in love with you deeper! Do something to prevent me from falling for someone else! Don't push me away, damn it!" Kaios exclaimed in anger that follows by his sobs.

Sean and I remained silent while listening to him sobs while mumbling how unfair Winter is. I finally get what he meant for his last question for me earlier before Sean dragged me here. It was hard to run away from your feelings for someone that you shouldn't love. But it was harder to keep running away from that someone if they are running after you. I can't sympathize with Kaios, nevertheless.

Because that was how Eros and I started. And look how we ended?

Sean sighed beside me when the two finally left without a proper ending in their conversation. I glanced at him and waited for what he was about to say.

"If I'm Winter, I won't let my love end without putting up a fight. I won't run away just because of trivial things like the unknown future." I made a hollow laugh at his remarks.

"You're straight as well so you don't know how hard it is for Winter. You're different individuals, with different preferences so don't compare yourself to him." I don't want to sound bitter but that's how my words have turned out.

I stand up to end our conversation but then he throws a question that made me stop from leaving.

"Why do you sound like you do understand him then?" When I looked at him, I felt cold with his blank expression.

I puffed a sigh multiple times before I managed to say a word. "I do...because we're alike." I finally admitted but Sean remained looking at me, waiting for further explanation.

"Remember the person who abandoned me in Cupid's lair? He's straight before we met and I'm gay, to begin with. I truly believe that everything will work out just fine but guess what he said when he broke up with me?" I smiled bitterly while biting my lips hard to refrain from crying.

Sean stood up, his cold demeanor remained, but he didn't speak, so I keep going.

"My existence is a threat to his future. I was trying my best to run away from my feelings, but he made me believe that he will stay with me. And look where I am now? So, please stop making it look easy for people like us because it's not." I said, unable to stop the tears from escaping my lids.

Achlys Sean's expression softened a bit as he raised his hand and gently wiped my tears with his warm fingertips. And with a fond smile on his lips, he said words again that makes the chains that I put on my heart start to get rusty.

"You said it yourself, Gene Yuan. We are different individuals. Just because I am straight, I will do the same thing. Straight or not, the only thing that matters is what you feel for that person and how you will remain in love with that same person over the years." He pinched my cheeks when I run out of words to say to his rebuttal.

"That's why I said, gender and future are just trivial things. When you're in love, you don't have to think about those insignificant things that could impede your happiness. Cause if you do, you're just making that diapered-arsehole thrilled." He said to end his stance.

--

"What lies?" I repeat with an impatient expression to end the silence that embraces us after I cut off their conversation.

Winter was about to speak but Eros opened his mouth first to tell what I wanted to know with a tough demeanor.

"It wasn't a lie. We truly got back together when we met coincidentally in Tokyo and spend time with the duration of our stay there." Eros said while looking at me straight in the eye.

My brows furrowed on the absurd words that his mouth spouted. Even with or without my memory, I know myself better than he is. And cheating is not part of my vocabulary. No matter how bad my relationship with that person is, I know that I won't do something behind his back that could hurt us both. Because I know how painful it is to be cheated by the person you trusted the most.

I open my mouth to refute his claims but Winter's fist got into his cheeks first. And in a split second, Eros was thrown on the ground with a cut on his lip due to the impact of Winter's punch.

"Stop your delusions and get your facts straight! Gene is not that kind of person, you bastard! Don't make him come out as a cheater!"

Winter exploded in anger that made me try to get up from my bed to stop them from beating up each other when Eros get up to retaliate. In a state of panic, I forgot that my legs got severely injured from the accident and as a result, I fell from my bed that stopped them both at the exact moment that Achlys Sean and Phoenix entered my room.

"Gene!" They all called but before the two could even come to me, Achlys Sean is already beside me to help me get up from the floor and gently lay me down to my bed.

"What the hell is going on here?!" Phoenix asked in a dangerous tone but Eros didn't say a word and just left with a defeated expression when he saw me with Sean. My brother followed him immediately, leaving us three.

"I'm sorry. It was my fault. I punched him first." Winter admitted while wiping the corner of his lips that bled a little. "Are you okay, Gene?" He asked in a soft tone but I didn't get to answer him when Sean speak to me in a mellow voice.

"Did you bump your head when you fall?"
His gentle voice while gazing at me with fondness, somehow crumbles the walls that I built in my heart.
The wall that I built out of desperation and frustration from being picked on by that cruel God of love.

"Are you that desperate to make me have my memory back?" I asked coldly, trying to hide my jittery with irritation. But unlike before, Achlys Sean didn't faze on my facade and keep his penetrating gaze at me.

"What if I am?" His deep and serious voice lingers in my ear as he continues talking under his breath, but enough for me to hear.

"Will you give it a try to remember me? Or we will rewrite everything the way you want it to be?"

And for the umpteenth time after meeting this man with lonely heterochromatic eyes...I saw Cupid's image playing on his fingertips, his arrow while looking at me with a pleased expression. And as he aims at me his golden-tipped arrow, my heart won't stop its irrational beating when Sean called my name.

"Gene Yuan..." He called. His hypnotizing eyes stared back at me, filled with diverse emotions. I wanted to avoid his gaze but it feels like my body has a mind of its own. They won't let me look away even for a second.

And then he smiled that almost make me breathless while uttering the words that I didn't expect to hear from him.

"Play with me, Gene Yuan." He said in an almost whisper as he gently rubs my lips with his thumb.

"W-what?" I cursed myself in my head for stuttering that just made him confident to utter his absurd proposal.

"Play with me. Let's rewrite our story, with still you and me for the finale."

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