The Man Who Returned My Heart
Gene Yuan

Our film was a success since the first day of the festival and tonight marked the last day of our event. I should have been with my friends if only this man that I didn't expect to see will come and ambush me while my friends are not around.

"How are you?" Eros asked with a hollow smile on his lips. There are bags beneath his eyes due to sleepless nights. I guess his insomnia is still not getting any better. But despite that and his lonely eyes, he still looked fine.

I wanted to smile and make him believe that I am fine seeing him, but I don't want to lie, "Why are you here?" Instead, that question escaped my lips while staring at him with an empty expression.

We just stare at each other for a moment, none of us dared to speak. I missed him. I can't deny that fact but I could tell that it wasn't the same anymore. My heart is unexpectedly calm even we're close to each other. The pain has lessened too, maybe because I cried enough or I suffered enough that I get used to it.

"I saw your film. It was great." Eros ended the silence and looked away from me to hide the painful expression in his eyes that I didn't fail to see.

"Why are you here?" I repeat my unanswered question. "Are you not repulsed by my existence anymore?" I added without an ounce of hatred in my voice.

I'm a bit lost. He returned the heart I offered, visible cracks were taped effortlessly, to a point where it could shatter any moment and I can't repair it like it used to. I've become an existence that he can live without. But now, he's here again, looking at me with such lonely eyes that I once saw when I was avoiding him before…before I let myself be lured to Cupid’s trap…when I was trying to surrender to my fate.

He opened his mouth and three sets of words came out of his lips. "I miss you."

A hollow laugh escaped mine. I figured that Cupid was plotting something again. But I'm not the same person anymore. I'm a learner. I may be slow, but I learn too well. When I trusted him and let myself be intoxicated with love, I’ve become stupid. Stupid to keep believing that there will be a future for us. Stupid enough to defy fate. But now that I’m sane… I won't get swayed by those words again.

"I miss you too. And I still love you. Will you take me back?" I asked in a monotonous tone and a cold expression while staring back at his lonely orbs. For a moment, silence took over us.

I gave him a mocking smile. "Do you expect me to say those words again? I don't know why you're acting like this, Eros. I'm doing fine now. Please don't try to open up the wound you inflicted on me."

Eros lowered his head and heaved a sigh. I could tell that he was fighting back his tears but I just can't feel bad at him. I don't have the energy to know why he came to see me now that I'm slowly recovering from the pain he caused. I did my best to stitch the heart that he returned so that I could put it back to its original place and seal it. So no one could ever break it again.

I turned my back at him and was about to leave when I received a text message from Winter, but Eros grabbed my arm to stop me from leaving. He hugged me from behind while holding my arms tightly, and rested his head on my shoulders as he cried.

"I'm sorry, Gene. I'm so sorry." It was all he muttered as he cried behind me. But I did nothing and just let him be for a while.

It's painful to see him like this but I can't entrust him my heart again. He might be drunken with loneliness now that he sees me happy, or he might be regretting things he said. But I've waited enough. I’ve been patient enough…I sacrificed enough.

I took a deep breath, break free from his hug when my phone rang and faced him with an exhausted expression.

"Do you know why we look back in the past?" I asked that he only answered with a slight shake of his head.

"We looked back in the past not to reminisce, but so that we don't have to repeat the mistakes we've made."  I sighed and took a step back.

"I moved forward with my discarded heart, but I've put a tombstone to the place where you returned it," I said, gave him a genuine smile for the first time, and left, finally leaving the heavy feeling in my heart that I kept for a long time.

I stopped after taking a few steps and looked back at him for the last time, he was still there watching me with tears in his eyes. It's painful to see him like that, but Sean's words come to mind. Eros might be the one who came and left me alone in Cupid's lair, but he was not the person I'm waiting for to come and pick me up.

"Goodbye, Eros," I uttered my parting words with a serene smile on my lips, before I turned my back to the man who returned my heart. “May your curse be lifted as well.”

--

"Let me help you." Eros hurried on my side when I tried to stand up from my bed, still unable to get used to my crutches. But I pushed his hands away with a cold expression.

"I know that you're worried about me. But doing that thing isn't necessary." I said coldly which made his brows crease.

"Then what do you want me to do? Turn a blind eye when your life is in danger? It was the only way to keep you safe while some lunatic is roaming around to kill you!" Eros exploded in anger but I remained my cold expression.

I sighed and stand up beside the window.

"I never asked for your help, Eros. I'm not the same kid that you broke years ago. I'm not weak that needs to be protected. I healed because he never left my side while I'm healing my heart. And he remained sane even he was drunk in love. But you tried to break me again by tearing us apart." I honestly admitted which shocked him.

"You...remember?"

I look at him and nod, "I remember everything. I never had amnesia. That's why I can't help but get mad when I learned that you did something unnecessary. Because of the lie that you told him, everything turned out this way!"

A short silence came between us before I decided to cut it off with questions.

"Why did you do that? Why did you lie about our meeting in Tokyo? As far as I know, I made it clear to you. I love Achlys Sean more than anyone and anything in this world. But why?"

Eros looked at me with a painful smile on his lips. "I just don't want to lose you for good, Gene. I admit it was painful to see you at your happiest with someone else. But it's more painful to see you lifeless. He is the cause why you keep getting hurt and almost die. What do expect me to do?"

I understand him. I do. But I still can't forgive him for doing something unnecessary. He hurt Sean by trying to protect me, but in the end, I'm still put in this state. He just made everything complicated. And there's nothing left for me but to lie about my memories to stop Sean from getting involved. I know him for so long, and he could be reckless if he had to.

I sighed when he remained his head down with a hurt expression. I can't be forever mad at him because after all, I once loved this person. And he just wanted to protect me.

"I appreciate your concern. But please don't do unnecessary things anymore." I said calmly that only made him have a melancholic expression.

"I can't do that, Gene. Not now that I know that that man is still after you. I won't let you get hurt again." Eros protested but I only gave him a gentle smile.

"I told you, Eros. I'm not a weak person that you needed to protect. I'm stronger now. Much stronger than my first downfall." I said with a smile. "Just watch over me. I'll get over this mess. And everything will fall back to its proper place." I assured him that only made him sigh in defeat.

"But if you don't have any plans to break up with Sean, why do you still have to lie about not remembering him? You can just not tell him about the threat."

His question made my lips curve a gentle smile as I shifted my gaze outside the window, and watch the sun as it sets.

"At first, I thought of letting him go. Because I didn't know the reason why Sean said those words that night. I thought that he meant them, or maybe, his life would be better if he didn't fall in love with me. That's also one of the reasons why I lied about my memories. But then he told me that he was nothing but your replacement. So, the thought of giving him up, I disregard it."

“But Gene…”

I looked back at Eros with a gentle smile on my lips as I asked him a question, “Do you know how Cupid does his work as the God of love?”

Eros shook his head.

“For so many years after experiencing love’s cruel side, I cursed him. I believed that he’s a sadistic bastard who toyed with people’s emotions. But then I met someone who has a different view of that God I hated so much. He defended Cupid. He made me acquit love from my guilty verdict.”

I chuckled upon remembering Sean and the things he said and did, just to convince me that Cupid is not as cruel I thought he would be. I used to say that he’s cruel for taking only one end of the arrows he shot at two people that were in love with each other. But Sean firmly believed that Cupid always try to take them back at the same time, with the same force. And it was us who let it gets loose for many different reasons.

Mistrust. Betrayal. Inferiority. Jealousy. Selfishness. Possessiveness. Obsession. Neglect. Impurity. Any of these reasons when combined, the link of his arrow to our heart will start to corrode.

“He said that Cupid doesn’t shoot people for entertainment. He let us, experience love because our psyche asked for it. He let us be filled with euphoria as long as we want. And it was us who gave him the signals when it’s time for that love to be taken back from us. He always takes the arrows at the same time, but there are moments that only one end of the arrow comes back in his hand. And sometimes, none came back even after numerous times of trying to take it back.”

I sighed, remembering the guilt I felt when I told Sean cruel words when he first visited me after the accident. Eros remained silent so I continue.

“I still remember his expression when he saw me almost lifeless. His eyes were swollen from crying for a long time. That’s why I tried to lift the curse that I put on him. I even thought of surrendering from fate. But this…” I pointed my heart. “It keeps beating for him. And this…” I pointed my head. “It’s filled with his memories.”

Eros smiled painfully so I avoid his gaze for a moment.

I sighed. "But you know what? I'm not a good liar. I doubt that he's still unaware of my lies. He could read me like a book. He could predict what I have in mind. He's good at that." I looked back at Eros who seemed confused with my words.

"For sure by this time, he already knew that I'm lying. And he's doing his part to make our story interesting." His forehead furrowed even more, unsure of what I'm trying to say.

"Do you want to know the three words he told me that made my heart skip a beat when we first had a conversation?" I asked with a mischievous smile displayed on my lips.

"What?"

I chuckled upon remembering Achlys Sean's cute expression after delivering his proposal.

"Play with me."

Eros chuckled as he shook his head. "What a weird brat." He mumbled which made me laugh. "But if he could read you like a book, why did he try to break up with you?"

I sighed and looked back outside the window. "Even back then, he feels insecure when it comes to you. You're my first love after all. That's why when you told him that we were together during my stay in Tokyo, he lost it. Not his trust in me, but rather his trust in himself. He lost his confidence to compete with you, even though I told him multiple times that there was no need to. Since back then, he’s filled with inferiority towards the first man I loved."

Eros took a deep breath and stand with me beside the window.

"As much as I wanted to feel sorry for him. I don't. He's stupid to feel insecure with me when I should be the one to feel that way. He made you the happiest. Something that I will never get to do." He said in a bitter tone.

I look at Eros and he did the same. He has a miserable look on his face, but this time I knew for sure that he has finally accepted the heart that I keep on returning to him for years.

"Give me time, Gene. Not now but maybe soon, I'll get the courage to flip the page where there is no you and me anymore. For now, let me stay for a little bit, to the page where you returned my heart." He uttered with a wistful smile.