Shadows Of May

“I don’t know what came over me! Why did I mess up the only thing great that has happened to me in my whole life?” I buried my head in my pillow. “Why did I drink so much? If I had known this would happen and that I would lose you to death we wouldn’t have gone out that night; we would’ve stayed back and watched movies on the couch and eat pop-corn and talk like we use to do and maybe make out a little. If I had known this would happen. I blame myself. I could’ve thought better. Even in death I still love you more than life itself! May! I miss you so much. What can I do without you?” I said all this to myself trying to answer these questions about what happened last week. May had been buried two days ago. It is so hard without. She died because of my stupidity. “I will never forget myself. Now I’d be known as ‘The guy who killed his fiancé’ down the line of history”.

“Liam! Can you come downstairs? Someone is here to see you” I heard mum call out for me; I could feel her trying to sound calm and less disturbing as she could in her voice. She didn’t want to bother me; I was morning May.

“Who wants to see me, to make fun of me; the jerk who made the biggest mistake in the 21st Century. I blame myself I deserve whatever junk life wants to throw at me. Junk! Drunk! Jerk! They rhyme!” I slowly and reluctantly walk down the stairs to see who it is that wants to see me in my glory of despair.

“Hi Liam” I heard a tender voice call out my name and I looked up watching my feet as I rain curses on myself and regretting ever going to that party and the first day I even set my eyes on alcohol. “I came to check on you and see how you’re doing; I know it’s hard but try to be strong for May at least. She wouldn’t want to see you like this! Stop blaming yourself for what happened; it is not your fault” Little Amy smiled.

Everyone kept saying it’s not my fault that she died, but deep down I knew that I was the cause of her death. I promised to keep her safe from any kind of harm; I promised her I’d keep her secured in my arms and nothing could hurt her. How life can be so ironic; the danger she needed to be kept from was me. I was the hurt and the pain and even death that I was trying to keep her from was me. What a way to find out.

“If I had not drank so much she would still be alive” I mutter to myself.

I drove right into the truck and got her killed. I should have been the one to die. I would do anything to bring her back if I could. Maybe strike a bargain with the god of death “her life for mine” because I deserve to die not May.

“Common! Cheer up dude; you can’t keep doing this to yourself. Everyone is finding it hard to comprehend the fact that she’s gone and nothing can bring her back” Little Amy said trying to cheer me up; nothing can cheer me up than seeing May again and making up for mine mistakes and her death. “I’ll be on my way now. I’ll check you when I’m back from work. Please be alright!”

Little Amy is a blonde average height dazzling lady with a very curvy structure; some even say her contours are the best from the hands of the creator. Well everyone’s got a point of view. She’s quite beautiful I admit but I’ve got just May on my mind and I’m not really a ‘looks’ kind of guy. As a girl I care about your character and composure as well as your ideas and by that I mean you must be smart. Little Amy is great and quiet the nerd she doesn’t look like although she uses glasses for fun and has a lot of them in her literal glass house as her dad is the mayor of the not so famous Mildstone town of crazy old men and wild youths; I lead them now. But her composure is a turn off for me as she acts really weird around me and I couldn’t quite explain that, so I just called her Little Amy. There is Little Amy as I like to call her not because she is little or small but because of her attitude although she doesn’t know it and probably thinks it is because I’m older than she is and I see her as a little sister. Sometimes I think she is a bit flirty when I think back to freshman and sophomore year but that could all be part of her weirdness.

“Okay. See you later” I sad not knowing what would have been better to say to her. “Bye!” I finally waved my murder hands to her and dropped it almost immediately before it killed someone else again.

Little Amy comes to see me every day before going to work and literally calls me when she is back. She is the only one I could talk to and cry to and curse myself to since May died as all my friends and May’s deserted me after the accident and May’s demise.

I have not been able to go see her parents Mr. and Mrs. Silver. They leave blocks away from my house in the biggest house in Mildstone and I wasn’t able to bring myself down to go see them.

What would I have said to them? I sorry I killed your daughter please forgive me!

No! I couldn’t just go there like that. I know that it wasn’t nice and appropriate for me not to go and see them; I just couldn’t face them; especially Mrs. Silver. May was the only child they ever had and I took her away from them.

“Death! Why didn’t you take me instead of May? I should’ve died not her!” I stumped my feet on the ground.

I went back upstairs to continue my lamentation; the only thing that gave me a reason to live since I killed the greatest one I had.

I had not been to school since that day and I don’t know if I can ever face anyone again.

“I’d just sit here and grow old” I said to myself; I really didn’t mean that. You understand!

“I’m sorry May if you can hear me wherever you are. Please forgive me. I didn’t mean to…” tears fall down my eyes and I sob into my pillow and eventually fell asleep.

I said all this to myself feeling regret and out the pain I felt overwhelming me. I loved her at least for the few months before the devil in me decided to show its face.

I slept that night and I had a dream that seemed so great until it repeated itself with lots of modification unto the different pasts I have had. It turned out as a horror movie. Every amazing and wonderful moment that had a great and happy ending soon turned out to be a series of horror and a streak of head injuries as time went by to unfold things I wished I never knew but still grateful that I did which saved my life and even more my heart literally my heart.