I knew how much Alicia disliked me. It was obvious. I never really addressed it much, but I was aware of it. She seemed to think I just did not notice and that's why I still came over to her house to hang out with her brother a lot or aknowledged her presence in college by greeting her or smiling at her. It's not quite the truth though: I had a crush on her. 

When I was around 15 (she must have been 14) she caught my eye. At that time we had no proper connection, we were aquintances at most. Maybe she did not even know my name. It was before she came out in school and before I even really admitted my sexuality (bisexual) to myself. There was no way, at least no way I was brave enough to take, for me to ask her out or flirt with her or make a move or whatever. It just seemed out of reach. I had a crush, a bad one at that. Strong feelings I shouldn't have had towards some girl from school. 

Then I did something really stupid. I dated her best friends ex boyfriend. Why? Well first of all he was a nice guy, second of all I thought it might get her attention and thirdly I wanted to date someone (desperate I know). Nina who is and was Alicias best friend was seeing Paul. However despite dating her he flirted with me, sent me non-ambigious texts and was a little touchy, just holding back enough so it wasn't outright cheating. In the beginning I ignored it, eventually I gave into it and flirted back. I think sometimes Alicia and Nina saw it, it's not really my fault though. He started it and obviously they had problems in their relationship. Nina shouldn't be with him when he goes around and flirts with other girls (assuming I am no the only other girl). Yet, if it were today, I would know how to handle things better and not start dating him. 

I thought this way I could get her attention, get Alicia to notice me. Get her to notice me, as someone else than just a girl she attended the same school as. Unfortunately that never happened, instead she disliked me even more than before. I was with Paul for a while, he was a great guy. I mean I guess other than him flirting with me whilst dating Nina. He did treat me well though, was a great kisser and the relationship was decent. I broke it off though, wasn't the love of my life or anything. 

I dated another guy a while after that, Alicia hated him guts. I sometimes purposely brought him over to her (and her brothers) house in an attempt to make her jealous or at the very least grab her attention. I did not date him for long, Alicia was kind of right with the negative things she said about him. Other than Paul and the (insert not nice word) I only dated one other person: a girl named Lina. It was around the time I came out as bisexual. She broke things off with me after a while, leaving me heartbroken not going to lie. First time I was the one heartbroken

So this was a rundown of all my past relationships. Let me tell you one thing though: The whole time the one person I really liked was my best friends little sister Alicia.

I accepted the fact that she hated me after the whole Paul thing. I do feel like I could have done some things different, yet I still don't blame myself for the fact that Paul and Nina did not work out. For a while I did not really see Alicia anymore anyways, there was no connection between us. Apart from the fact that she shot me angry glares when I was kissing Paul in school. I always made sure Nina wasn't around, but Alicia sometimes saw. And she disliked it. Surely not due to jealousy, unfortunately. 

I guess the only good thing that came out of all that was her at least knowing my name. Who I, Joanna, am.

I did not Jake was Alicias brother at first when we started being friends. He was a genuinly sweet and funny guy who I loved hanging out with. In a friend way. Fun Fact that nobody knows: One night Jake and I kissed whilst drunk but we never talked about it ever again. And we never did it again, haha. 

Anyways I hung out with him more and more. At one point he invited me to his  house, a big mansion with a pool close to the beach and city centre, and I saw Alicia there.

In the beginning I tried to come over as often as possible to get to talk to her, later on I realized there was no point, she hated me. So I would still hang out with Jake and try to avoid Alicia. My feelings stayed strong for a while (again), then they went back to being minimal as I once again realized there is no point. And I had those other relationships I mentioned. 

Jake asked me to help him plan the party he and Alicia wanted to throw. I agreed to help, almost not caring about Alicia being there. Like yes, I like her, she hates me, I am not getting my hopes up.

It went surprisingly well and I almost felt like we had fun together. I tried to flirt with her very subtely. I don't think she noticed though. Situation has changed, I am confident and out now, it's not the same as when I was 15, yet I did not have the confidence to really make anything happen. Scared of rejection. 

I had fun hanging out with her and her brother. They are similar people. Only that (and don't tell Jake!) Alicia is much more beautiful.

When I kissed her that night at her party, I instantly felt a connection. It was the best kiss I ever had, I enjoyed it endlessly. Her lips were so nice, had such a lovely sugary taste and she was a skilled kisser.

I still can't believe that happened. From that night I don't remember much. I was very much drunk. I went to the party. hung out, chatted and danced with Jake and mutual friends. And then someone suggested truth or dare. I had to kiss Alicia, so I did. I tried to not let anyone notice how much I wanted this kiss.

I was more than surprised when a couple days later I got invited to her small birthday gathering, especially when Jake stressed it wasn't just him inviting me but HER. At one point in our friendship I did mention to him that I kind of think his sister is "kinda cute", I never really told him about my crush though. It might be weird for him. I did tell him though that I think Alicia hates me and that I wish she wouldn't.

Her birthday was an incredible night for me. I was certainly flirting with her, however I mostly expected her to not notice, and definitely not react to it at all. Yet she did. She leaned in and kissed me. Well you know where it lead. And let me tell you it was great. I initiated it, alcohol gave me the confidence...and the fact that I kind of saw the attraction in her eyes. I noticed her looking at me, her licking her lips when she saw me in my bikini. It all came after the kiss. It was like that one kiss changed a lot in how she saw me. For me, it made my old feelings for her rise to the surface. Strong attraction. Even Jake kind of hinted at the fact that she might not hate me after all. 

She wanted me as much as I wanted her that night. More obvious than ever. 

So we did. We went there. Not only once. A couple times.

Did I think she would take initive and ask me to be her girlfriend? never in a million years! Did it absolutely make my life? YES!

It feels crazy to me to know that she is now my girlfriend. All this years I had a crush on her and wanted to get to know her and now it was finally happening.

I am not sure yet where the future will take us. We have been dating for a week now, and so far it has been amazing. Yesterday we had a small picnic in the park with lots of cuddles and amazing food. It was such a sweet date she organized. Tonight I am taking her to see a movie, afterwards back to my place where I would be setting up candles, snacks and a few photos of us.

So here's my final confession:

I, Joanna Miller, have been in love with Alicia from the day I first saw her.

It's been a rocky road but now I am holding her in my arms and I couldn't be more happy.