My heart thumped hard against my chest as I walked back down the path toward the house. Once was back in the living room Isla leaned on my shoulder.

“Where did you disappear to?” She asked in a hushed whisper. There was a hint of amusement in her voice but I chose to ignore it.

“I went to say hi to Dad.” I replied. Isla clicked her tongue, while shaking her head. It obvious she didn't believe my motives were that innocent. Sometimes I hated that she could see right through me.

“We are going to talk about this tomorrow.” She said. “But right now, I think it’s movie time.”

I nodded, happy for the delay in explaining anything Xavier related. The four of us lay down to watch the movie.

After about 45 minutes, Jace poked his head through the door and cackled. Mom and Isla almost screamed, which caused Toni to almost choke on her own laughter.

I wasn't really paying attention to the movie or anything else. I couldn't. I thought talking to Xavier would fix things, I thought that it would stop me sitting here, reliving the moments we'd shared over and over. It hadn't worked out that way. If anything, he was in my thoughts even more.

“You okay Sis?” Jace laughed as he plonked down next to me. “You kind of look like a zombie at the moment.”

“Shh! Movie.” Toni grumbled looking over at Jace and I with mock anger.

I stood up and pointed to the door.

Once we were both in the hallway, Jace’s smile dropped. Even he could tell I had something on my mind.

“So... are you? Alright?” Jace asked again.

“Yeah, I could use a jam session though. It's like a damn cinema in there, pretty sure we could get away with playing music without being noticed.” I suggested, hopeful that playing some music would get me out of explaining my thoughts.

Jace widened his eyes, and his smile returned with a vengeance. “Really?”

As soon as I nodded he grabbed my arm and dragged me toward the creaky basement staircase. The studio at home was laidback and relaxing. My parents had barely used it to the point Jace had pretty much adopted it as his own space.

I ran my fingers over the records that adorned the shelfs in the room. I needed to vent out the frustration that was beginning to seep out of my skin. Music was the only thing that had ever done it for me.

Jace and Isla were the only two people who knew my secret. They were the only people that knew deep down, just like everyone else in my family, music was written into my soul. Although Jace finding out had been an accident. He had walked in on me playing a song in the basement when I was 18, just before I graduated. I'd thought no one was home, but I was wrong.

Mom and Dad were at a function and Jace had come home sick from a friends.

There was this one song that spoke to me, it was in Mom's old CD collection It was an old song, but I'd loved it so much that I spent every spare moment learning it on guitar. When Jace came home he found me in the basement singing and playing Mom’s guitar.

The first thing he'd said when I'd finished was “I thought you were tone deaf.” followed by endless excited rants about Music being in our DNA after all. I made him promise not to say a word. It was just after that video had been leaked, so with reluctance he kept quiet. He had always been a good person, wise beyond his years. Keeping my secret brought us closer, but it had never stopped him wanting me to pursue music.

“Can we play Glycerine? I've been learning it on bass.” he remarked as we walked down the steps. He pulled out his phone quickly, tapped away then shoved it back in his pocket.

Now it was my turn to be surprised. Jace and I had never jammed together before, in fact, he'd never seen me perform since that day. But he remembered the song, and he'd learned it. I nodded and walked over to the guitar.

“Alright then.” I smiled.

Jace picked up the bass and flicked on the amps and the mic.

“The mic? Really?” I laughed.

“Like you said, it's a cinema up there, they won't hear you.” Jace replied.

He was right, and the room was soundproofed anyway. I shrugged as stepped toward the mic. The weight of the guitar in my hands felt good, but I hadn't played any kind of music in a long time, I wasn’t even sure I’d be any good anymore.

Sometimes, Isla and I would go to a karaoke club in town, but it was only under orders from her. She would only make me go if I was in a particularly depressed mood.

When I began strumming the song, I surprised myself by how easy it was and how happy it made me. As the words spilled from my mouth I forgot everything. Forgot where I was, who I was, who I wanted. Nothing mattered, just me and the music.

The second the song was over, all that joy dissipated in to nothing and when I opened my eyes I could feel the bile rise in my throat.

We weren't alone anymore.

“That was amazing!” Jay exclaimed walking in. Cris, Doc and Xavier stood on the staircase still, varying levels of shock upon their faces. I looked at Jay and shook my head. They hadn't just walked in on that, that didn’t happen.

“You lied.” Xavier murmured after a minute. “You always told everyone you couldn’t play… or sing.” He sounded confused. I just shrugged and wished this whole situation away.

Jay sat down at the drums. “Do you know 'Not Alone'? We could have a jam session.”

Cris and Doc both said “Yeah.” In unison and ran over to the instruments. Still bewildered, and confused as to how they'd even heard me, or known we were down here, I didn't answer. I stared at the ground overcome by shock that I had become mute.

“No.” Xavier exclaimed. “Don't be a jerk Jay.”

Jerk? For suggesting a song.

“I know it, it's my favorite in fact, but I’m not singing, I don't sing.” I replied lifting the guitar strap over my head. I looked up at Xavier who had a sly smile on his face.

“Your favorite huh?” He walked over to me and took the guitar from me. “And clearly you do sing.”

“Xavier.” Jace warned.

“You're not bad either kid.” Xavier exclaimed turning his attention to Jace. “What is your main instrument?”

“Drums.” Jace replied. “But I play everything.”

Xavier pointed to Jay “You can take bass. Let the kid take the drums”

Jay stood up and wandered over to the spare bass. Jace sat down at his drum set, I could tell he was amped at the possibility of having an impromptu jam session with Going Nowhere. But I wasn’t amped, I wanted to run screaming from the room. I hadn’t yet because I still couldn't work out what the hell was happening.

“Show me 'Not Alone'.” Xavier challenged me.

I shook my head. 'Not Alone' moved me. It made me cry, it broke me down. It saw inside of me, I felt completely naked when listening to it, I couldn't imagine how singing it with them here, with him here, would make me feel. I couldn’t do it.

“Why are you guys even down here?” I said as I finally regained my composure and regrouped my thoughts.

Jace cleared his throat and I remembered he text he had sent. He had baited me. I frowned. How could he.

“Jace!” I almost yelled, I could tell my face was harsh. I let it soften a little, I had to rein the anger and frustration in. Jace knew me well enough that if I kept overreacting he would be able to see there was more going on in my head than being snapped playing a song.

“I'm sorry, look, you shouldn't be a preschool teacher. You're star shines just as bright as Mom’s and Toni’s, maybe even brighter.” He said with a rueful smile.

“How did you even know I would suggest this?” I croaked dryly.

“I didn't. I knew the guys were here and that they're your favorite band. I thought if anyone could make you see that music is your thing it would be them. So as soon as you mentioned a jam session I jumped at the chance.” He looked guilty, but as much as I tried to feel angry and betrayed it wasn’t happening.

Jace was only thinking of me. It didn't change anything though, I wouldn't go down that path.

“He's right.” Xavier exclaimed out of nowhere. “You should be on the stage.”

I looked back at Xavier. His demeanor hadn’t changed he still looked as broody as ever. But when our eyes met a small smile broke through the rock ‘n’ roll attitude.

“No.” I replied, I shook my head. Xavier frowned, his hazel eyes bored holes through my weak skin leaving me vulnerable.

“Show me 'Not Alone'.” he demanded it this time, his jaw tensed and he gripped the neck of the guitar, placing his fingers over the strings, readying himself.

I bit my lip and my eyes narrowed. I could do this. I nodded at Jace who counted the song in.

My cue came, and I tried to sing it, I really did. But it was impossible with Xavier standing there, watching me. Tomorrow I would deal with the fallout. Tomorrow I'd explain. Right now I needed to get as far away from Xavier as I could.

“I'm sorry. I can't.” I said sliding the mic into the stand. “Please don't tell anyone about any of this.” I pleaded with the guys. They all nodded bar Xavier. I ran from the room anyway, knowing that if I stayed I’d do something stupid.

When I made it back to the living room the movie was finishing.

“Where did you go this time?” Isla asked.

“Don't ask.” I replied.

**

I forced myself to fall asleep so that I didn't have to deal with anyone. The sleepover had been to distract and relax me but it had ended up doing the opposite. I felt worse.

The next morning I had Isla take me to get my car after breakfast. I drove home still feeling wound up from the night before. Jace had text a couple of times but I didn’t answer. I grabbed a bowl of Cheetos, a blanket and lounged around on my sofa channel surfing.

There was a knock at the door around 1pm, my hands were covered in Cheetos dust, and I was dressed in my crappiest sweatpants and t-shirt. I was clearly a hot mess, but it was beginning to seem that was just the hand I had been dealt.

I opened it without looking, it was probably a door to door salesman, and my current fashion statement would serve as more than enough to scare the poor guy off. When I looked up I almost choked on the Cheeto I was still eating. Xavier smiled and lifted my orange crumbed hand.

“Cheetos huh.” He mused. “Good to know some things don't change.”

I swallowed hard, confused by what he meant.

“Excuse me?” I managed to say after almost choking again on the half-eaten Cheeto.

“10th grade. You got into a fight with your friends. We had a BBQ for thanksgiving. You hid in the corner eating Cheetos. 11th grade, the video I made circled the school, when my parents and I came over for dinner that night. You said you were sick. I came up to apologize, you were crying, with a bag of Cheetos. 12th grade, the sex tape surfaced, and you had a bag of Cheetos almost surgically attached to your hand.”

Whoa he remembered all that? Why? And did I really have an emotional connection to Cheetos? Wait.

“But you never apologized for the Christmas video.” I said pulling my hand back from his grip.

I placed my hand on my hip, unsure of how serious Xavier would take me when I looked like I did.

“No.” He said softly, his smile faded and he shoved his hands in his pockets. “Because I felt guilty that I'd made you cry.”

“It's okay. I was a teenage girl. Everything made me cry.” I replied with a shy smile. “Except walking in on my boyfriend and another girl. The one thing that should have made me inconsolable, made me laugh. Until that stupid tape of course.” I closed my eyes and shuddered.

I motioned for Xavier to come in, suddenly not really caring about my less than appealing state of dress. Xavier walked in behind me and shut the door.

“Wait, you walked in on them?” He sounded amused.

“Yep.” It was surprising that being confronted with such an obscene sight hadn’t shocked me in the way it should. The only real shock was the profound realization that I was a joke to all of the people I had considered my friends. I had to laugh at myself, or I would’ve cried. Not over Ryan, but over the time I had wasted on people who didn’t even know me.

I sat back down on the sofa and shrugged. “It was in that moment that I realized I wasn't being me.”

I brushed the Cheeto dust off my fingers and picked up my water bottle. I took a swig from it then smiled ruefully “I'm still not.”

“I know.” He replied picking taking the bowl of Cheetos from my lap. He placed it on the ground before sitting down beside me.

“I can't handle fame, cameras, or people staring.” I whispered. I looked up at Xavier whose face was pained. He took my hands in his and let his head fall forward.

“Because I sporadically tormented you.”

I let my thumb run over the palm of Xavier’s hand. He lifted his head and let his eyes dart over to mine. I shook my head.

“No. Xavier I meant it last night. I forgive you. Yes the things you did hurt, but they were little things. You didn't cut a fake sex tape of me, and use it for your fifteen minutes of fame.”

Xavier eyes flashed with anger and he dropped my hands.

“I told as many people as I could that it wasn’t you.” He whispered.

He had? The admission warmed my heart.

“Really?”

“Yes. I figured they’d believe me, of all people. I was such an ass to you that it was an oddity to see me sticking up for you.”

I smiled, and rest my head on Xavier’s shoulder. “I wish I had known.”

He lifted his arm and pulled me in closer, until my head was on his chest and his arm was around my shoulder.

“I want you to know that if you want to be yourself… I’ve got your back.”

My stomach flip flopped, Xavier Smith had my back, and it felt surprisingly comforting.

“I can’t.” Despite his support, despite the support I knew I’d get from Jace and Isla too, my issues still stood. I’d also lied to the two people who had taught me right from wrong for years now. My parents.

“I believe in you. I saw you playing, singing. You were in a place that I don't see many people go to, in the music business or not. A place of pure tranquility. Didn't you feel it?”

I nodded, I couldn’t admit out loud that the only time I ever really felt at peace was when music surrounded me. It wasn't an option yet, maybe it would never be an option.

“I understand why you lie about being tone deaf.” Xavier whispered. “And I won't tell your parents.”

I smiled and nodded pulling back from our friendly embrace to look up at Xavier. “Thank you.”

“Don’t you go thinking I agree with it, because I don’t.” He grinned. “But I understand.”

“Okay.” I replied as I relaxed back against his arm.

“It's like music is a genetic trait in your family.” Xavier mused.

“That's what Jace says.” I replied with a melancholic smile.

“Except you have something they don't.” Xavier said after a few minutes.

“What crippling stage fright and an inferiority complex?” I laughed.

“No. you have anonymity they're well known. Even Jace. You on the other hand have steered clear for five years.” he said pulling his arm around so I could see art that covered his arm. “I tricked my own family by growing my hair out and getting tattoos.”

“Your point is?”

“You can re-invent yourself. Don't rob yourself of something you love because you're scared.”

“What the hell do you mean?” I exclaimed.

“Disguise yourself. Be someone else.”

The idea was intriguing, and I couldn't deny that I wasn't at least excited by it. Still I tried not to show it. Pretending to be someone else didn’t automatically eradicate my fears.

“What do you propose I do? Bring back the lady gaga era and wear a mask?” I said half-jokingly.

Xavier shook his head. “No. I know a girl, she's a make-up artist, and she'd be able to transform you. I mean, I think you're perfect the way you are. But she can make you look like someone new, if having a persona on stage is what you need to explore this.”

I felt a stab of jealousy ripple through me when he said ‘girl’. I wondered if he'd slept with her. Before I knew what I was saying the words slipped out, sounding every bit as jealous as they were.

“A girl?”

Xavier pulled back and tilted his head toward mine, he looked perplexed. “A friend.” he replied.

“Oh.” I muttered, I dropped my eyes away. Embarrassed that I'd come across as a jealous girlfriend, when I had no right to be.

“She's a lesbian and is married to Jay's sister.” He added with a small chuckle.

“Oh, hey, I wasn't… I mean, I don't. I don't care either way.” The lie stumbled from my mouth, as I forced out a jumbled mix of words that made very little sense.

“It's been a long time since I had a friend that was a boy.” I whispered, taking the time to make my words clear. “Even in college the only person I spoke to was Isla. I don't know how this works.”

I looked up at Xavier and our eyes met once again. My heart fluttered. How had I never felt this before? We’d known each other our entire lives. How had I never seen him this way until now?

“You don't even need to think about it. Just be yourself.” He smiled, I wanted to reach across and run my fingertips over his lips. Not thinking about it was a bad idea, I was holding on to my resolve for dear life. I had been since the moment he’d walked back into my life. Last night I spoken about being friends, but all I really wanted was him.

“There is only one problem with that.” I murmured, knowing that if I truly allowed myself to relax in Xavier’s presence it would all come back to the same place.

“And that is?” He whispered. His eyes closed a little and he swallowed hard.

I turned, moving my body so that we were face to face, rather than side by side. He stayed completely still, the dominant no-holds-barred Xavier had checked out. His nostrils flared as my hand trail over the soft warm material of the jacket he'd slipped over my naked body the other night.

He inhaled, but it was staggered and uneven. His eyes darkened before he grabbed my hand and lifted it over my head. He used his strength to push me back against the couch, and then he moved until his body hovered above mine. I could feel the heat radiating between us, the fire in the pit of my belly was so intense it would be enough to burn us both. I’d never been attracted to danger, but right now the only thing I wanted to do was fan the flames of my desire. Xavier let go of my arm, his hand fell to my face, and he brushed his fingertips over my cheek and through my hair. His eyes never left mine, fueling my want for him tenfold.

I was begging for his kiss without saying it, I didn't need to. My body was screaming for it.

Then he gave me what I'd been wanting and pressed his lips to mine. My eyes closed, something inside my soul shifted and slotted in to place. Nothing else ever needed to make sense again, as long as Xavier could kiss me. Reality faded away, our bodies melded together, fitting like this was the way we’d always meant to be. His hands began to explore, sliding down over my shoulder, slowly tracing over the curve of my breast. The sensations were so frantically chaotic that I felt as though I could explode from his touch only. I arched my body against his arm as his hand edged the waistband of my track pants, a small moan escaped my lips. I’d never felt this kind of pleasure and we were only kissing, I never wanted it to stop.

But without warning, he did stop. He tore his lips and hands from me, then stood up and ran his hands over his face. He looked down at me in disgust, and it felt like a mallet had crushed my heart.

“I have to go.” He grumbled.

“Xavier.” I pleaded, I didn’t want him to leave.

“No!” He almost shouted as he stalked out of the room, leaving me winded.

I leapt to my feet and ran after him. “I want this Xavier. I want you.” I blurted out. My stomach churned, afraid of his response, afraid he’d reject me again.

Xavier stopped and turned around. His face was hard, he shook his head.

“Sorry, I just.” He opened the door. “I don't want you. I'd be leading you on and treating you like a groupie if this went any further. Sorry.”

My already crushed heart disintegrated into a million pieces as Xavier walked out of the door. I felt too shattered to call him back to me again. Maybe he'd done me a favor stopping things before they had gone too far, because this pain was almost unbearable.

Damn the destination and damn the journey. Life had been so much simpler a few days ago, and right now I would give anything to go back in time.