Once he was gone, once I'd heard his car back out of my driveway, I feared I'd never see him again.

The thought both terrified and pained me.

At first I thought this 'connection' had been some weird kind of reaction because I thought Vax, the rock star, was sexy and maybe at first it was.

Attraction is a powerful thing, and I'd been attracted to Vax, the rock star, for years.

But from the moment he'd walked through the door at my parents, from the moment I'd realized who he was, he had stopped being Vax, I only saw Xavier.

It was Xavier in the bathroom and my parent’s house, it was Xavier who came to my work, it was Xavier who had saved me from the weirdo in the club, it was Xavier who had stayed with me all night, and it was Xavier, who a few minutes ago had made me weak at the knees.

But it was also Xavier that I didn't understand, I'd never understood, because he had never let me in.

Not my type. He had said it himself, he had agreed with me. I wasn't his type, and I wasn't sure he was my type either, but that didn't stop the thoughts I was having, it didn't stop how he made me feel.

Why couldn't any of this make more sense?

I stood up, my legs still felt like jelly, but I needed to clear my head and I needed advice.

I walked across the floor into the kitchen. The phone was sitting on the table where I'd left it. I picked it up and dialed my parent’s number.

“Hey Scarlett, how are you hon.” Mom's voice called down the phone. “Are you feeling better?”

“Oh, uh yeah. Great.” I lied, I felt worse than I had when I had left dinner 2 days earlier. Only now it was for a completely different reason.

“Scarlett.” Mom warned, her voice was soft and wispy. “I know you better than that. What's up?”

“I'm confused.” I whispered as I flopped onto one of the kitchen chairs with such force that it creaked beneath my weight.

“About?” She prodded, I knew mum wasn’t about to let it go. She never did when she could tell something was bothering me.

“Can I come over?” I replied. “I'd rather talk about it in person.”

“You don't have to ask. Dad is home too, he'd love to see you. Maybe we could both help?”

“I need a ride, my car is at Isla's” I said as a sheepish feeling washed over me. I hoped she didn't ask why. Mom didn't need to know about last night, even though I was 23 explaining a night of drinking and debauchery was not something I wanted to do.

“Of course, I'll come now. Maybe you could bring a bag and stay for the night?”

“Aren't I a little old for sleepovers?” I questioned with a smile, although the idea sounded tempting.

“One is never too old for sleepovers. In fact let's make it a group thing. Toni is in town still, and I know you two didn't really get to catch up at dinner.”

I frowned, that night had been so strange that I didn't even remember seeing Toni at all. Maybe a girl’s night would be good for me. The distraction from all these confusing emotions sounded like bliss.

“Alright then.” I conceded.

I left enough food for my cats, who were meowing like an eternity had passed since the last time I’d fed them. All four dug in straight away.

“Pace yourselves” I mused. “This needs to last overnight.” I shook my head, aware that talking to my cats as if they understood complex words and sentences, only helped my cat lady status. I was beyond caring, bring on the holy grey cardigan, the wild hair and the nonsensical chatter. If it mean I could move on and forget the past couple of days, then I was down.

Only even I knew that wasn’t possible. I could take back what was already done, a lesson I’d learned while still in school. It had happened, but with a little bit of guidance and some peace from my own thoughts; I was sure I’d find my way back to my kind of normalcy.

I walked up stairs and packed a small overnight bag. My bed was still unmade, I resisted the urge to check and see if my blanket smelled like aniseed and vanilla by a thread. I sighed as I closed the door and walked down to the kitchen. I glanced at my cats, who were in no way pacing themselves and smiled.

I locked my front door behind me and sat down on the porch step to wait. When Mom arrived I acted like a child who had been away from home for a week. I sprung to my feet and ran for the car. With each step I took, my heart felt a little bit less constricted and the embrace Xavier and I had shared didn't seem so vivid in my mind anymore.

“Hey, we're not running a race.” Mom laughed as hopped out of her car and took my backpack from me. I shrugged my shoulders and brushed past her. I couldn’t tell her exactly why I was so eager to distance myself from home.

I looked back at the house and sighed. The memories of last night and this morning were still so raw inside those four walls that I was scared the intense atmosphere would exude the story like a movie,

“I just need to get out, thanks for the sleepover idea.” I replied as I opened the car door.

“What happened hon?” Mom asked concerned as she chucked my bag in the back seat of the car.

“I don't know.” I replied honestly. “One minute I was living a simple life, and then the next I don't know if I am feeling up or down.”

Mom started the car and began to pull out of the driveway. She was half way down the road before she spoke again.

“What changed?”

How was I going to say it without saying it? My mother wasn’t and never had been stupid. She could put a puzzle together, better than I could it seemed. I just had to trust that she wouldn’t guess, because I needed to talk about this.

“I met someone.” I replied.

Mom sucked in a breath, I knew she was withholding the urge to shout with happiness. She'd blamed herself after the sex tape fiasco. It was misguided, but she'd thought that had I not been in the public eye because of her fame, then Ryan would have left me alone. Maybe she was right, but it said more about Ryan and my fake friends than it did about her.

“Don't get too excited. I'm confused.”

“Why?” She asked.

“Because I don't want to get hurt, and I'm about 99% sure that if I pursue this man, I will.” I whispered. “But at the same time I don't think I care. He’s not been around long, but I don't like how I feel when he's not around.” This was crazy, He had only been back two days.

“It sounds a little like love.” Mom replied softly. My eyes shot over to her and my mouth fell open. Love? Who the hell was talking about love? I sure wasn't, I was just feeling some kind of connection, lust driven, with some weak emotional layers. That wasn't love was it? It couldn't be.

Until 48 hours ago, I had nothing but bad memories of him. But now...

“No one falls in love that quickly.” I replied without thinking. “I mean I've only known the guy a few days.” I lied. I didn't need mom to connect the dots. Not when so much was up in the air.

“I did.” Mom replied knowingly “And so did your father.”

Of course, I knew for them it was love at first sight. They'd met in an elevator on mom's first day of work 25 years ago and had never looked back. They were the exception though. They always had been. The things that seemed to break other families apart had never seemed to phase them.

“That's different. You and Dad, you're made for each other. Me and him.” I sighed, as I brushed my hand across my neck, where his lips had been earlier. “We're just not the same.”

“Sometimes, it's being different that makes you perfect for one another honey.” She murmured.

I felt my head shake in response to her words. I looked out the window as we passed house after house until they became blurry. When we stopped at a red light I was jarred from my trance. Xavier and I were so different that it was jarring, like stopping suddenly at a red light. We weren’t perfect for one another. He was everything I feared. He had the spotlight, he had women throwing themselves at him and he had my heart, or at least some part of it.

He was going to hurt me, and I was powerless to stop it. I was already in too deep.

“I don't know if I can handle being hurt.” The truth poured from my mouth like a running tap. My fears bubbled inside me all the time, but my fear of being hurt sat above all else, it always had.

“Being hurt is just a risk we have to learn to take when it comes to love.” Mom explained as she turned a corner. The thought of letting myself be so vulnerable just to figure out what this feeling was seemed ludicrous.

“It seems like a mighty big risk to take. Why does anyone willingly subject themselves to such heartache?”

I watched as a smile crossed my Mother’s face, she looked at me momentarily before turning her attention back to the road.

“Because when you find the one who is your ‘everything’, the risk pays off. All the hurt and torment you once felt melts away. All the trying suddenly doesn't mean anything. You're where you are supposed to be. The journey is only part of the story Scarlett, when you finally get to your destination, you know the heartache was worth it.”

I couldn't say anything in reply, her words seemed so honest and beautiful, and anything I could have said would seem pathetic in comparison. I just had to hope she was right.

“So do I get to meet this mystery man?” She said as we pulled into the driveway a few minutes later. I turned to look at her and she grinned at me before slowing the car right down.

You already have.

“Uh, well, the thing is. He doesn't know how I feel.” I mumbled. “I don't even know how I feel.” Telling her it was Xavier would complicate something already complex and confusing. Not to mention the very real fact our families were interconnected, we were all part of the patchwork.

“Well, take your time, or don't. If it feels right, then go with it. Life is too short to spend it worrying all the time.” Mom parked the car in the garage and pulled the keys from the ignition.

“What would I do without you mom.” I leaned my head against the head rest and sighed, although I kept my eyes on her. Her warmth calmed me just like it always had. She smiled at me once again and lifted her hand to my cheek.

“Probably worry all the time.” She chuckled. “Now, come on, let's head inside.”

Once we were inside the kitchen my eyes gravitated to the bench. It had become junk food and beer central. Poker night. Of course.

“I forgot to mention that Dad has invited the guys over for poker night.” Mom exclaimed pointing to the bench. “I pilfered some of dad's food stash for our sleepover though.”

“Oh yeah, I forgot he still did those.” I replied with a smile. They had met every weekend since I was 8 without fail.

“Yep I think the boys would be lost without their weekly pool house poker game.” She smiled as she placed her keys on the granite bench. “He mentioned that Xavier and his band mates might join in tonight.”

“Oh?” I whispered, fear ran hot through my veins to the point I worried I might actually self-combust. I didn't have time to dwell on it without seeming too invested. I tried to nod nonchalantly, but I wasn't sure it had come off that way. It was like fate, I had come here to get away only to be confronted once again.

“Don't worry, I know you and Xavier have never really been friends, they'll be out in the pool house anyway.”

Mom pat me on the back then walked over to the fridge. I bit my lip and sat down.

My heart had sped up at the mention of Xavier's name. Maybe it wasn’t fear running through me, it was excitement. I knew I wanted to see him. Even if we didn't speak.

“You never said why it was that you weren't friends.” She said as she walked toward me carrying two bottles of OJ, she placed one down on a coaster in front of me then sat down herself.

I looked at the bottle and shrugged. I'd never told my parents about the things Xavier did in high school. My parents and his parents were best friends, and I'd been worried that tension between us would cause tension between them.

“We hung out with different people.” I replied, it wasn't too far from the truth. Maybe if I'd been less naive, things would have been different, but there was no going back and re-doing it all now.

I couldn't change the past.

A couple of hours later we set up the lounge for a movie night. Mom had me call Isla, who seemed pumped at the idea of a grown up slumber party. Around 9pm the four of us sat in the lounge drinking virgin cocktails and eating mimosas. Mom, Toni and Isla were talking about something, but my mind wasn't in it. I was staring at a photo of Xavier and I at 13 on the wall. Before all the bullshit started, we could have even passed for friends. I stared at it, because all I could think about was him, and how we'd left things. I needed to know if he was here. I needed to know what he was thinking.

“Deep in thought their Sis.” Toni exclaimed throwing her arm over my shoulder

“Oh yeah, um. Sorry.” I replied as I looked away from the picture. “I think I need some air.”

“Let’s go outside for a night cap.” Toni suggested. I looked over at Mom who smiled and nodded

“I need to call Janie quickly anyway.”

Isla, Toni and I stood up. Isla and I walked outside and sat down at the outdoor table, while Toni disappeared into the kitchen. When she finally came out to the deck she held three glasses.

“Tequila sunrise.” She smiled as she placed it one of the glasses down on the table in front of me.

I had to bite back the urge to vomit. Isla laughed and moved the glass away from me.

“She's probably going to be anti-tequila for some time.” She laughed as she sipped on her own drink.

“What am I missing?” Toni asked sitting down, she smiled, but her eyes were alight with curiosity.

“I got wasted last night.” I admitted, the memories resurfaced briefly, I shuddered and looked up at my amused sister. “On tequila mostly.”

“Ohhh, rebel child! I'm telling mom and dad on you.” She teased as she nudged me. “No, everything in moderation sis, but I'm glad you're getting out there finally... Just ah, take it easy.”

“I won't be drinking again.” I replied without skipping a beat.

“Spoken like a true first timer.” Toni smiled at me.

Isla and Toni started talking about a possible photo shoot as they sipped their drinks. Toni was in the process of recording a new album and had managed to talk DJ in to letting her design the cover and she wanted Isla to plan it.

I took the opportunity to slip away unnoticed. I took a deep breath, filling my lungs with brisk night air and hopefully a little courage before I walked toward the pool house. I let my hand hang over the door knob for a moment before turning it. I willed my stampeding heart to slow down as I stepped inside, but it wouldn’t relent. Hold it together Scarlett.

The guys sat around the table, all of them. Along with Dad, Josh, Marc and DJ sat all four members of ‘Going Nowhere’ It was intimidating to see the rest of the band I'd idolized for years sitting amongst people I'd known all my life and for a moment I felt a little star struck, but then I saw Xavier, and everything else faded into nothing.

He looked at me and a small smile crossed his face, quickly followed by a frown. He looked away, back down at his cards then threw them down.

“I'm out. I've got nothing, I need to make a call.” He grumbled as he stood up. He brushed past me as he left the pool house, but didn't acknowledge I was there. I may as well have been invisible. It hurt more than I expected it would.

“How's the sleepover honey.” Dad said with a smile. He placed his own cards down then took a sip of his beer.

“Good. I think we're going to watch some old horror movie... Blair Witch I think mom said. I just came out to say hi.” I said with a smile as I walked over to place a kiss on my father’s forehead.

“Scarlett here is a real fan of 'Going Nowhere'.” Dad exclaimed.

I looked over at the guys, Cris, Jay and Doc. They looked different out of the music garb I was used to seeing them in videos. More real. They smiled knowingly at me. They had seen me last night, like Xavier had. They'd been there. I just hadn't seen them. My skin flushed.

“Nice to meet you.” Cris said holding his hand out, I shook it quickly before stepping away from the table.

“You too, um. Well sorry to barge in. I'd better get back before they send a search party.” I replied embarrassed that they had seen me at my worst. “Enjoy cards.”

I needed to get out of here, but I still needed to speak to Xavier.

“Sure thing, hey we've got a gig on Friday. You should come.” Jay exclaimed, his voice stopped me from leaving. “We’ll sort out some backstage passes.”

“Uh yeah, okay.” I grinned. “That would be great.”

Like an awkward star struck teenager I stumbled out of the pool house, although my stumbling was more about embarrassment from the night before than it was about anything else. I’d been so foolish and I couldn’t stop replying the night over in my head.

I wandered around the back of the pool house. It was dark, I could barely see a thing, but I knew that he'd be out here, he was avoiding me.

“You should stay away from me.” Xavier whispered, his voice cut through the cool dark air like a hot knife through butter. My eyes drifted to where the voice had come from. Xavier sat on the ground, his knees were up and his arms were wrapped around his legs. His head was against the wall of the pool house.

“What if I don't want to?” I replied as I sat down next to him.

“Then ask yourself what the likelihood is of me hurting you in one way or another.”

I already had, numerous times. Each and every time it lead to the same answer. I knew he would hurt me. Mom’s words haunted me though, maybe the hurt would be worth it.

“What if I don't care?”

“You should care.” He laughed. “I've done it before, I'll do it again.”

I took a deep breath, he was raising defenses, and one thing I knew for sure was that I couldn't bring his defenses down with my words. I had tried and failed. My confused thoughts and feelings didn't stand a chance against his ill formed self-hatred.

“Well I don't.” I murmured as I reached for his hand. Our fingers entwined and for a moment it seemed like the world stood still. All the bullshit between us didn't matter. All too soon Xavier pulled his hand from mine. The moment had been fleeting, and I needed it back, but I knew he wouldn't give it.

“We can't do this.” He said, his voice was strained, almost vulnerable. I wanted to ask why, but this wasn’t the time to delve into his insecurity. He would clam up.

“Do what.” I played innocent.

“Cross lines.”

“We're not kids anymore. There are no lines.” I replied.

“Yes there is. There is a big fucking line, right in front of you.” He spoke with a fiery anger, his voice even more taut than before. “I'm a bad man, a selfish man. I've slept around. I don't do relationships. I hurt people. I hurt you. I don't deserve your forgiveness, I know that now.” he spoke quietly now, but the intensity was still behind his words. “I don’t want your forgiveness.”

Sadness pinched my skin, and I found myself wanting to kiss away his hurt. He hated himself, and I had helped that. I had let him think I was still bothered by what he had done, when it wasn’t the case. I knew that now.

“Everyone makes mistakes Xavier.” I replied, settling for a generic sentence instead.

“You don't.” He laughed.

I scoffed and shook my head. I'd made a mistake with Ryan. I'd dated him because my 'friends' told me to. I'd been a sheep and I'd paid for it with my reputation, and my self-confidence. I'd made a mistake by not getting over it, by dwelling on the past and letting it affect me for so long. But none of my mistakes hurt the way letting Xavier walk out of the house had.

“I make plenty of mistakes.” I whispered. “All the time.”

“Not like mine. You don't hurt anyone else. I'm a car crash Scarlett, I obliterate everything in my path leaving utter destruction with little regard for anything or anyone else.” His tone was soft, he didn’t sound like someone who had little regard for anything.

“I think you care more than you let on. You saved me from that sleaze last night.” I tried to bolster him, but I wasn’t sure it would work.

“I’ve still hurt you before though haven’t I? Call last night my attempt at atonement. You should hate me for the shit I put your through. The hurt I caused.”

“Well I don’t hate you Xavier. If I did I’d have to hate myself for the hurt I’ve caused myself by holding on to the past as long as I have.”

He sighed deeply.

“I think I’m a lost cause. You should bail before you regret it.” Xavier murmured as he nudged me with his shoulder.

“I think we balance each other out. I like talking to you.”

Xavier laughed and stood up. “What, like friends?”

I frowned, not quite understanding why being friends was such a ridiculous idea. Maybe having him in my life as a platonic friend would make sense. Maybe that was just what I needed.

“I'd be a useless friend.” he added as he held his hand out for me. I smirked and placed my hand in his and let him help me to my feet.

“Says the guy who, without thinking, helped me to my feet.”

“You don't want me as a friend.” he replied, sounding annoyed.

“Yes I do.”

“Scarlett... No. Sorry, I just can't.” Xavier stalked away from me for the second time in less than 12 hours. Both times I'd been left feeling like a part of me had detached and was forever floating in the air. A part of me that didn't seem to exist until a few days ago, but now I'd felt it, I wanted it back.

It was then that I realized that nothing had changed, Xavier still knew how to torment me.