A quiet and unsure knocked woke me in my silent slumbered, my brother even shook me on sofa just to check the door. Irritation made me more awaken than the shook he did. He was wearing his pants, I knew that he was getting ready to go to bar. I sat and looked at him with a fire on my eyes, then put my hand on my neck squeezing lightly. He was putting his belt then looked at the mirror to check his look. My brother quitted school to watch for me and took care but what he honestly did was went to bar at six in the evening until passed midnight. Sometimes I felt it was my fault because I was just eleven that time and he didn’t believed in me when I said that I could take care of myself, well he was just wasting the pension of our father and the money our mother left I didn’t took the guilt on that part because it was his fault. At that time bars opened usually six in the afternoon but that time it was only three in the afternoon I assumed it was because of Georgina’s visitation that made him dressed.

“Why me?” I asked.

“Maybe it’s Georgina, tell her I’m not here.” He instructed.

I opened the door scratching my back, Georgina returned her attention on the door it looked like she was getting ready to leave. I muttered her name as if I was not sure what she was doing in front of our door. The way she shot her eyes that afternoon made me remembered her eyes when we first met her on summer, a few years back, one of the churches in faraway island where we went for a summer camp. That was an okay, though, since I was not into religion but my brother was with his friends so I had something that I looked up to because his friends were amazing. Then, he met Georgina. I didn't knew what was with that girl, until they became close after knowing that she was also a fan of my brother's favorite band that was how their conversation led. They exchanged numbers, after that camp he almost spent his days on telephone talking to her. One night he just told me that she was just on the other side of town where we lived and she was on the same school with him. They were friends for months, until he told me he loved her, then he said that he was courting her, and weeks ago on that day he broke up with her.

“Is he…”

“Yes, he was just here but he left.” I said cutting her before she would be able to continue her sentence.

Her face enlightened, like I said something to rejoice her. She came closer to me, looked so excited. That was when I noticed she was wearing a school uniform, yet school was not yet finished and their school was less than a ten minutes from here. I also noticed that she didn’t brought her car this time.

“Do you know where he was going?” she asked with a glimmered on her face.

With these attitude of her, I should found it annoying, but instead I understood why my brother loved her, though I was not sure if he still loved her on that moment. On the duration of their relationship I never understood why my brother dated her after that summer vacation, at first I thought he was just hitting on her for his man’s need, but it took two years that I almost believed they were real. After that tragedy, that broke us both, I guessed I understood the need to broke up with her and visited a bar every night in order to savor his pain, but what about me? His younger brother. The truth was I knew he didn’t have to do that.

“I don’t know.” I lied.

She asked me if she could come inside to wait for him, it felt like she hoped that my brother wouldn’t be long to his errand. That was a mistake: first, I shouldn’t let her in. Second, I should said that he would be long because I knew he’d be home by eleven. Third, I knew that they were done, I shouldn’t just let her be a friend of mine. Above all, all the signs were dismissed because I pitied the girl who disrespected my mother. We sat for a moment in my mother’s couch. I was playing my game boy while she was sitting rummaging in her bag. She was silent until she started rocking her feet. It was a sign that she’d starting to feel bored and maybe scared.

“Do you know where he was going?” she asked me again.

I looked at her before I replied. “I don’t know.”

I returned playing my game boy.

“Do you want to watch a movie?” I asked her just to keep her occupied.

And it was another mistake of mine. She nodded her head. We went upstairs to my room I let her chose the movie that she wanted to watch that time, on the movies I liked but she didn’t liked independent movies, we went back to the living room, and I let her chose to the random movie lists. She chose a movie that was older than my mother. Since we didn’t have a CD player in the living room we returned to my room. We lay on my bed, she rest her head on the headboard, and I sat in Indian-style on my bed, barely paid attention the movie. We didn’t made a conversation for about twenty minutes, I begun watching the movie after fifteen minutes had passed. She looked at me when the two characters started kissing. I looked back at her like she was telling something to me that I have to know, that as if I could read her mind. When she noticed that I couldn’t read her expression she leaned closer like she wanted to tell a secret.

“Have you kissed anyone?” she asked.

“No, I haven’t.” I replied.

I looked at her puzzled in shocked. I processed her absurd question like I thought I heard her wrong. She asked an eleven year old kid if he already had a first kiss. I thought she was crazy or joking but when I laughed and looked at her she was serious. I slowly loosen my smile and returned my attention the TV.

“I was just twelve when I had my first kiss.” She smiled sadly.

I stole a glimpsed to see her sad smile I knew that time she was having a hard time remembering that memory. I prayed she wouldn’t continue then she broke.

“It’s just hahaha…” her tears formed on her eyes like an acid hanging on her eyes. She slowly blinked and let her tears to slide on her face. “It’s hard to be pretty.” She joked and dismissed the topic and looked back on the screen.

I wished I knew what she meant by that I just thought it was about my brother but it was bigger than that. She got a pretty face that made everyone looked back at her every time she passed by but those eyes were always lonely each time I seeing it. Her attitude was not quite nice but for that past days that I knew her for the first time, discovered she was just guarding herself to something that I was not sure about.

“You’re always here waiting for him. Or shall I say beg?” I said not looking at her.

“You don’t like me here?” she asked.

“Not like that, but I guess you just have to give up.”

“You told me to wait for his explanation. But, Davin,” she looked at me I felt the weight of her eyes. “I can’t wait. It’s not like he’ll explain everything, he’s not like that. I just want to give him something. I already scrutinized that we won’t be together again. I just need a proper good bye.” Her voice quivered.

She was crying. I watched her cry for a minute or two before I scoot closer to her to comfort her, turned to be another mistake of mine. I patted her back as she bend her back hid her face to me, her face was covered with her long hair falling on her thigh hung on her shoulder.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t said it.”

There were something on her expression when she looked at me maybe I said something wrong or pushed her buttons that made her expression changed, she was not upset nor mad he was indifferent from what I’d saw her. Her eyes were red, her nose was light pink from crying, and her lips was in thinned line. She was staring at me with an expression I was not so sure.

“Are you virgin?” she asked.

She was shocked by her question, just like I was, it showed on her face that it was supposed a quiet question to her mind but she’d just bolted it out, despite on that awkward question she didn’t corrected herself nor made an excuse. It was swift, just like her question I didn’t thought about my action, I didn’t know if it was my answer to her question but I just kissed her. As surprised as she was on her question, I was surprised that she kissed me back when, when she closed her eyes I also closed my eyes too and felt the movement of her kiss in the nice rhythm. I didn’t know if I was doing it right, I’d never kissed a girl before but I just did what she was doing. Being caught up in the moment I saw a reason to be alive again. I remembered thinking this was the lips my brother used to kiss; very tasty like a clouds filled with flavors and soft with desired to make me fly. She pushed me until my back pressed on my headboard. Her hands touched the button of my pants that was the moment of her first mistake. I wanted to stop her but her actions was swift I could barely caught up. She removed my pants before I even realized what she did until I found myself completely undress and so does she. The next thing I knew she was on top of me. I was mesmerized by her beauty I didn’t even had time to process everything, I just felt I was inside her. She thrust, pushed herself, and released a soft moan. Her moan was like a music to my ear. It felt right at the same time it felt wrong. It was great but: it was a great feelings that become fear after. She slide her hands on my back that gave a chill all over me. Her action came to an end when I released a groan and felt something came out to me. I didn’t knew the word ‘sex’ after what happened. I didn’t know if I’d enjoyed it but I liked it. She let go of me and we laid on my bed breathless. She lay on my bed in a fetal position, I hugged her gently until we both fell asleep. When I woke up she was gone. I didn’t notice what time she left the house. She left a message that she was sorry and if she can show her face again. I stood and went to the kitchen saw my brother chewing hot dog on his mouth. He looked at me.

“What’s with you?” he asked.

“Nothing.” I mumbled.

“Hangover?” he teased.

“Kuya, I said nothing.”

I wanted to ask him if he saw Georgina but it would be a horror if he did, though he looked clueless so I didn’t asked him. I get myself ready for school. But school was not an escape what happened that night haunted me. I didn’t know if I fell in love with her or if she loved me but I guessed the real question was if she pretended that she had sex with my brother or she was aware it was me, I never had a chance to asked her, and I didn’t asked when I had my chance. My brother didn’t mentioned Georgina for the rest of the week after she visited and neither I. Though, she didn’t paid another visit to tried to talk to my brother, after what happened between us. For the past week I spent most of my time at school and library before going home, and my brother was trying to spend most of his time at the bar than he usually did. The time my mother died we were became lifeless, my life became more lifeless when Georgina stopped visiting at least when she were there I spent most of my time with her after school, but since she stopped, I spent most of my time at the library.