Georgina

“Then… w… why… why?” I broke down in tears, flooding my eyes with my own tears.

I just sat there looking at Davin with his eyes looking at something. I was wishing something might spark on his eyes, waiting for him to correct his words, praying that I heard him wrong. I felt that I embarrassed myself by having sex with this 11-year-old boy, not just once but twice in this house where his mother died not long ago. He was not just a boy but my ex-boyfriend’s brother. In hoped for an answer I stupidly waited knowing I would get nothing. But I was still hoping that he was different; from his brother, from the people in my school, still, I failed myself, again from hoping for it.

“Ha, do you really have to ask?” he said, intimidating me.

I knew that but I never expected it to come from this boy who I respected with those times in short time. I got up slowly then dressed myself in front of Davin, but I only did that in wished I could picked my scattered heart and my decency, and my pride but I didn’t found them.

In my four years in high school I had seen the differences of people and understood on how they value and view the people around their lives. I understood it as this: the people are like houses in a small village with four walls and fences to protect them. They will only socialize to the same size of house like theirs, is it a big house? It will only socialize to the other big houses around its fence. Vice versa. I saw the inequality of people in the school I went: at the very young age, only to realize how life sucks. That was why in my early years in that school I tried so hard to be a big house so I could talked to anyone around my fence and to anyone in higher position at school I could please. The fact that I did that there were also a downside to that which were: I heard my new name was ‘Teacher’s Pet’, and a news that spread around; ‘I paid my teachers to give me good grades’, ‘I had sex with my teachers that was why I was the highest in classes, and a lot more. I ignored those rumors, survived another year. Then I became a damsel in fucking dress when I met my knight in rusted armor. The two of us was not a sensation because we were popular. We became a sensation because I was popular and Gavin was not. They said that I only dated him because in a lot of because; because I never had a suitor: in a reason that guys were so afraid to talk to me because I was beautiful, because I used to slept with my teachers and to cover that was to date the ‘not so popular’ to made the people thought we were secretly dating before, because I slept with so many guys that were not my boyfriend and in change to date a guy I slept with. People often judged me because I was not a ‘party girl’ so they prey me because I was pretty, smart, popular, and single. So when they got a chance to ruin my reputation they took it. At that very moment of dressing my filthy body in front of an 11-year old I felt the feeling of being a prey again, I felt being a small house inside of the small village. Then I realized why I felt the sensation why people often liked to misjudge me in my simple actions, not just my actions but even doing nothing. I always made decisions without thinking, jumping without harness, saying my words without consulting it to my brain. And those thought in my head made me dizzy but I got tired showing weakness in front of Davin. Those moment I realized everything and answered every question I was asking.

After buttoning my uniform I looked at Davin one more time wishing it would be the last time I would be seeing him. I left the house without saying a single word. I didn’t even closed the door then heard a screeching sound of a car just to see Gavin’s car nearly bumped me. He got out goggling down at me. I never thought he was so tall until I got used stooping with my head down. I wiped my eyes in silent, Gavin continued to look at me them in looked behind my back awkwardly seeing Davin peaking at the door. Without knowing what to do I runaway.

The rain stopped before I walked out on that door, I knew I was thousand miles away to their house but I didn’t stopped running, I kept running and my tears was keep on streaming, it was like a river dragging me down away and away. I didn’t know where else to go. I had lost a friend when I started dating Gavin and met another one and lost again, I never felt so lonely in my high school life until that gloomy night. Without nowhere to go I walked to the house feeling the emptiness of my heart. The house was depressing, I didn’t want to be here as much as my mother did. I head straight to my room without a plan to eat.

Stain my name.

Hold the chain.

Cut my veins

It’s all I can blame.

Keep the gold.

Blame my fault.

Search my flaws.

I’m sorry I’m not that good.

Check my sleeves.

Falling leaves.

I can see them leave.

Lost in my eyes.

Shock in clouds.

Lost in doubt.

Seeking out.

Keep in touch.

I am lost

Searching for cost

Like a ghost in the past.

I stared at the poem just like what I always doing after I wrote. My tears failed me again. That poem was all I felt that night. There was nothing more appropriate words that could described how angry I was towards myself nor how I was so disappointed to myself. I closed my eyes thought of praying but I guessed God never heard me because even for Him I was also an unwanted child.

Before I opened my eyes I tried to sleep again. I wanted to be late for my first subject. A few seconds later my mother’s heavy footsteps thudding on the floor. She stormed to my room with her pink bathrobe covering her wet body. I looked at her and saw that her eyeliner hadn’t washed out, despite of just showering. Then I sat and looked outside the window. The morning drizzle made a dew on my window that looked so pretty with a greyish cloud weather. I touched the window feeling the cold it made on my skin.

“Breakfast is ready.” Mom said.

I nodded my head. Mom left me in peace without asking why I was still wearing my uniform and why my eyes were puffed. I lied on my bed again, straight my back like a dead body inside the coffin. Then I remembered what happened the other day. I stood and went to the bathroom walking like a zombie with my dead eyes wide open. I was so hungry knowing that I didn’t eaten last night but instead of eating. I stepping inside the bathroom with my full school uniform that I wore the other day. I opened the faucet and fill the pail with water until it was full enough it overflowed. I poured a water over my head in hope I could take a bath and washed away the sin I’d made. I reached my stupidity in maximum level of breakdowns for the whole day that time. I sat on the floor in the bathroom and sobbed again. After I finished crying and taking a bath I left my wet clothes in the bathroom and changed inside my room. I usually didn’t eat anything for breakfast but last night I didn’t ate and I was starving so I ate that morning. I finished my breakfast after mom got down. I pushed my plate and stood. I didn’t said good bye to her. In the bus I tried to sleep but the unforgettable, disappointing, dumbfounded face of Gavin when he saw me leaving their house in the middle of the rainy night and seeing Davin peeking inside.

That ride felt forever like time slows but it was only one 15 – 20 minutes ride from the bus stop to that ancient school. When the bus stopped in my bus stop I walked like disabled person that annoyed people at the back. They shouted at me: “Hey! I’m in a little hurry, baby girl.” “Why can’t you fasten your speed?” “We have to go the hospital and our appointment is within 10 minutes!” those words were muffled in my ear that the only sound I could hear was the beat of my heart in sounded like thud thud thud. My mind was blank and the motion of the people in front of me were in slow motion. I was getting tired of that. The passengers were got really pissed that they bumped me so they got out first, they didn’t said sorry and didn’t tried not to bumped me because they meant to do that.

In school I didn’t see Gavin like what I expected that day, I didn’t tried to look at him either. His friend Angelis and Marcus didn’t approached me, like they were doing lately since the day of the breakup. I avoided people as much as I did until Alex, my dearest friend that I yelled at approached me at lunch.

“Soooooo,” she begun in a long O in her word. “How was your day?”

I looked at her and it annoyed the hell out of me that her pink lipstick didn’t match her dark skin.

“Fine.” I replied.

“Have you been in Gavin’s lately?”

I stopped in mid chew.

“What do you mean?” I asked trying to swallow the food in my mouth.

She shrugged. “Nothing.”

She smiled and stood.

“Enjoy your meal.” She added then left.

When I watched her leave I just realized that the students were looking at me then looked out when I catch their stares. I freaked out and hoped to God they knew nothing and those stares were meaningless. But how would they know? It was just between the three of us. Three of… us. I didn’t finished my food. I lost my appetite, I stood and left the tray on the table gathered my stuffs and left the cafeteria. I went to my next class that will began at 1:00 p.m. but I was 35 minutes early. My Physics teacher, Mr. Tim were already inside checking our quiz the other day.

“Ms. Dizon, you’re so early today.” He remarked.

“I just... don’t want to… go anywhere after I ate my lunch.” I said.

“Well, that’s great. Could you help me checking these papers?”

He handed me the one fourth yellow papers and I accepted it. I laid them on the table in front of him and put my back at the table next to it and grabbed my red pen.

“You seemed odd these days, Georgina.” He said in the quiet room.

“I don’t know what you mean, sir.” I replied to him but I knew what he really meant.

“You’re smart and beautiful and talented but I don’t know why you wasted it all.”

I didn’t look at him. I didn’t want to.

“I don’t like what you’re pointing out.” I said bluntly.

“Just because you were a subject of rumors because of your grades or anything about Gavin, it doesn’t mean you have to just throw it all away. There will be a big universities would be dying to give you scholarships if you just keep a good grades and I could see that you have opportunities, everything in your hands. Georgina, look at the brighter future and don’t stick at the present.” He explains.

“I don’t want those, sir.” I looked at him when I caught his eyes I continued. “There will be no future with me, in this brutal word nothing’s worth with just a good grades in you stupid paper!” I remarked.

“Georgina, you didn’t know what you’re taking about. This…” he pointed the yellow paper. “…this is the beginning of your life towards the good university that will lead you to your future.” He fished a card with our final grade. “And this will determine if you’ll make it, if you do and get in one of the prestigious universities you’ll be judge if you can be fit in this world… and that’s how you’ll see how life can be brutal.” He explained.

In my anger on how I viewed my life and this world just judged by this shallow man just made me want to punch him in the face but I just made enough violations in my entire year that they could kicked me out whenever they could, I take a deep breath and looked at him in the eye calmly.

“Sir, you never in my shoe to say those. How a person view a life is can’t be based in the age or how far a person has been. You can’t belittle me with you ageism tactic. What you just said was rude. Or maybe, obviously you were never been an 18-year-old girl to say that, you’re judgment is shallow and your point of view in life is pointless, you never have a life, your life is boring: you’re just killing your time to sit there, check a paper of the kids with no future, and pay your bills every month. Besides, you look like you doesn’t have a sex life.”

I got so frustrated I said it all but Mr. Tim stood and grabbed my shoulders. His eyes were dead then I felt terrified. I tried to be free with his hands but he was so strong. He kissed me in a matter of seconds trying to put his tongue inside of my mouth. I tried to pray to the God in the sky that I never believed in. I gasped in the heat of my fears when he grabbed one of thighs and trying to part them. I spoke begging to him not to do it but he never heard it. Mr. Tim pushed me that brought me to the chair, I thought that nightmare was done but it only just begun on that movement of his: he checked the hallway, when he saw one of my classmates he spoke to him but he whispered that it became distinct in my ear. I just heard ‘…sick …class …canceled …your classmates…” it took him five more minutes before he closed the door and turned off the light. I just sat there cried instead of asking for help.

“Yes Georgina, you’re right.” He said returning to my chair.

“Why don’t you do me a favor, huh?” he said.

He took one of my hands and we moved in the back of the classroom. He didn’t let go of my hand then shoved it on his crotch, I never felt so disgusted in my life until that very moment. I already knew what was going to happen next, my fear didn’t let me help myself at that moment of my life. He made me unzipped his pants and pulled it to his brief. He pulled my head to his erected penis that brought me to seat, I remained my mouth closed. He pulled my hair made me looked at him. He then pulled my panty and enter two fingers inside he commanded me to moan but I made a sobbed. He pushed his crotch into my face. He grabbed my jaw and shove his penis into my mouth. I closed my eyes tighter while he tried to open my mouth when he succeeded he grunted and thrust himself in and out until my mouth got tired. When he got satisfied he pulled a condom in his pocket, pushed my back, and forcefully opened my shaky legs and penetrated me while grunting in satisfactory. I kept on crying when I should had screamed but I let him do that. He grabbed my breasts then unbutton my uniform when he didn’t find it satisfying he kneeled without leaving my vagina and suck my breast one at a time. I prayed for mercy, if God pitied me, that was when he groans shook in top of me I knew it was finished. He took off the disgusting condom and showed it in front of me. I hugged myself covering my body while pulling his pants then zipped it. He showed his annoying smirked then kneeled in front of me then I buttoned my blouse.

“We got more time, Ms. Dizon. I enjoyed your company, uh.” He said in the most diabolical voice.

He forced to open my vagina again, I tried to stop him but he smacked my vagina. Again, I cried instead to scream and ask for help. I felt his tongue all over me pushing it inside. He sipped my clitoris and bite my labia like he intend to arouse me when my disgust just keep on growing. He looked at me again and wiped his face. I pulled my panty and pushed him away. I kept on crying with my shaky hands I grabbed my bag when I turned around ready to leave Mr. Tim blocked my way.

“Aren’t you pleased with me, honey?” he asked.

“What do you think?” I asked back heard my sobbing voice.

“Oh, I guessed you don’t like an old man? You like a kids, a century younger than a man half older than your age?”

“I didn’t know what you’re saying.”

I was dumbfounded by what he said but I didn’t let it show in my face. I looked at him in the eyes wiping my tears away. I heard him laughing. I pushed him away walk towards the door. The hallway was empty I can hear my footsteps in the closed area that filled with invisible dust and ghost of the dark past of the students including my sad reality. I made it to the gate and ignored the sermon of the guard he said about: demerit and violation but I had enough of that nonsense. I walked to home. There wasn’t good thing that happened after the breakup: I fucked my ex-boyfriends brother twice, got almost expelled, and got raped by one of my teachers. I can’t think of worse than those experiences. A thought came into my mind.

Mr. Tim said about liking a kid century younger than me.

Then I thought what if everybody knew about Davin and I that was why Mr. Tim did that. But who would had told everybody? I remembered about Marcus and Angelis’s plan to visit Gavin. What if they were there and saw me just left Gavin’s house… and what if it happened that Davin told them about what happened? What if… they were watching us that night? I ran to the house but the shit key was nowhere to be found when I finally dug the key I couldn’t put it in the hole of the doorknob and it fell on the floor, I cursed the wind and picked the key until I finally opened the damn door. I went to the bathroom faster than I could ever do and showered. I washed my neck and mouth washing the breath of that pervert pedophile, washed my breasts and vagina. I couldn’t understand what was happening to my life that time. Then I had decided not to go to school anymore. Those hallways, the sounds of it that echoes from wall to wall, who mustn’t noticed that one classroom doesn’t have a light? And if they did why they didn’t opened it for inspection? Those rooms that I felt walking forever sitting in the chair inside the classroom infinitely when it was only four years. I couldn’t imagine myself being able to enter and sit there anymore after what happened. There were a lot of shits that was happening and my brain couldn’t take it anymore. After three hours and forty-five minutes of bath I went to my room. I couldn’t remember when was the last time I feel fear but that time I was so scared: to sleep or even to close my eyes. I ran downstairs and checked if I closed the door and locked it. It turned out closed and locked. I closed the windows, all doors including the bathroom’s, closed the lights, the curtains were closed, and head to my mom’s room closed the windows and the door before going back to my room I checked again if I closed and locked everything. My mind was buzzing then I’d decided to sleep.

It was two consecutive morning I woke up without eating dinner. Mom left a note pasted on the refrigerator saying that she tried to woke me up last night for dinner but I slept deeply that mom didn’t succeeded in waking me up and she tried to wake me up again that morning for school but she couldn’t in the same reason, so Georgina Dizon woke up that day at five in the afternoon in her school uniform she wore the other day. I checked for a food but all I had was a boring bread and a boring butter. I made myself a toast and noticed a note from my mother saying she put something in the microwave: a boring pork. I didn’t did anything that day just a boring day had passed. I tried to start the projects my teachers gave. I’d seen the poem I made and did another poem.

My sparkling bones

In your silver ribs.

Your broken heart

In my empty mind.

Shoot me,

I’ll make the last blow.

Break me,

I’ll puck my peace.

My bones rattle

Every time I hear your name.

I fear my silence

Every time my mind is speaking.

It’s my worst version.

Are you in your best version?

Love me deeply

But do I deserve it?

I walk in dark night the other day.

Wondering why I keep on feeling sorry.

You wonder why I’m terrified

You’re there when I’m needing you.

My battered knees

With your scarred heart.

My bleeding nose

With your rusted teeth.

When mom got home after I finished all my projects. She peeked at my room she looked tired and her make up looked like a mess and her hair was messy.

“You slept all day?” she asked.

“Yeah, just finished all my projects.” I informed her.

“Great! But you missed school today.”

“I don’t want to go to school anymore, mom.”

She entered to my room and sat on the floor next to mine. She dressed professionally in dark blue slacks and coat. I put my head on her shoulder, I didn’t know why but cried, yeah, pathetically I cried like a five year old girl went to her mama because someone hurt her. She put her hand on my shoulder and hushed me.

“What happened?” she asked.

I just shook my head she didn’t insist and kiss my forehead. Mom made me my favorite sinigang after I ate and almost finish the food my mom cooked, I showered for an hour and I told her I was tired. I told mom that I couldn’t pass my projects because I didn’t want to go to school. She said she would pass it tomorrow. She didn’t asked why I didn’t want to go to school. She made me hot chocolate and told me what she did at work then helped me clean my room after cleaning I showered again for thirty minutes and mom tucked me to bed.