Georgina

I was sitting on his car. I was starting to get irritated it had been three hours since he got out on that damn car. I was picking up my nails, listening to music, reading a pocket book I brought but I grew boredom with those. I tried to listen to music again but my mood was not feeling better. I jumped a little when I heard a thud on the window. I turned off the music and looked at Davin as he made face when I turned to him. I made face to him and scrolled down the window of the car.

“What the hell Davin?!” I yelled. He just laughed. “Where’s your brother?”

“He’s still talking to mommy.”

Davin left dribbling a basketball, I didn’t even notice he was holding a ball. I turned on the radio for the fifth time and didn’t notice I fell asleep. I woke up when Gavin opened the driver’s door. My back hurts for sitting long enough I can’t remember the time we got there. It was already dark. They talked for six hours, I assumed. He looked annoyed not to his mother but to me. And I was annoyed also.

“How many times do I have to tell you to respect my mother?” he yelled at me. “She is sick, Georgina!’

I sat straight. “You left me on this damn car. I told you earlier to drive me first to my house before coming here!”

He bashed the wheel with his palms. “I begged you to talk to her! She! Wants! To! Meet! You! You’re just insensitive!”

“Who told you I want to meet her?!”

He dismissed the fight like the other fights we had by driving away. He was so quiet. I tried to break it by opening the radio. But just like the first attempt it didn’t worked but at least silence covered by filtered music. Silence: was the most deafening sound, I remembered thinking. I closed my eyes. We were always like that. He would start the fight, I would fire the match and he would end the fight by the power of silence. He drove to my street without any words, I didn’t blinked when I unbuckled my seatbelt.

“Thanks.” I murmured and hopped out on his car.

I didn’t looked at him I sighed then walked out to the car. There were times where I just wanted to stop that ridiculous nonsense we were but thinking breaking up with him I didn’t know if I can do it. There was no sparks between us, just a fire lighted our way. I knew Gavin loved me and I knew deep down I loved him too but the only thing that keeping us together was just the heat on the fire and not something strong like the other relationships did or the time when we were just starting. I wondered if we can be together for another year like that.

“Georgina your coffee is getting cold.” mom said.

“Uh…” She sat across me.

My mom and I were not that close. I couldn’t even tell to her my problems or all the things that went through my life. So I didn’t mentioned to her the problems I had with Gavin. He never met Gavin, though. She was everything I didn’t need; after all the bad decisions she’d made on her life, she kept on blaming me because she birthed me and I grew up far from her, not physically far but emotionally. There was nothing would be okay between us especially if I was always reminded that I caused the bad fortune to her future. Mom was eighteen when she had me. My supposed father run away after she told him that she was pregnant, after that mom gave up everything for the life I didn’t asked for and we both suffered for the life she never planned. She always said that I was lucky to have a life: a food to eat, a shelter to sleep, a private school I didn’t like. She didn’t cared to my emotional health. If you planted on the head of the child that she hindered you to be the person you wanted to be, for sure nothing will bind you to be closer to your child.

“What’s going on?” she asked.

“Ah, you really care.” I murmured.

“I’m your mother, sure I do care.”

I rolled my eyes grabbed my coffee and head straight to my room. I disliked any useless conversation with my mother. She wouldn’t understand since she never had any relationship except with my supposed father who run away. I never opened anything to my mother even the first time I cried at school when I was six, or the time I pooped during class when I was five and all of my classmates laughed at me. The teacher said she would call mom but I told her I can fix this, luckily mom always packed my bag with an extra to everything. When I got home I washed my shorts and underwear, mom never knew what happened. She didn’t knew about my first date nor my first kiss. Not like the people I met throughout my years. I knew I was fishing my life that time, I was in senior high school and I needed a guidance but it was hard when you developed a barricade with your own mother. There were things I wanted to know by myself alone and things I wanted to discover on my own. I knew my mother couldn’t help me with those things because of her lack in experienced.

It was twelve hours since the fight between Gavin and I but I haven’t heard anything from him after that. I began to see the difference between us: he could sleep without calling me or say he is sorry and me with my pride and selfish needs. I opened my eyes five minutes before I set the alarm clock the night before. The sun was settled on the East part of my room, covered my window with a large orange ball from the outside looking in, I was too small for this world, I was too young to be left alone, and I, was not growing up. Those thoughts came out to my little mind.

“Georgina, breakfast!” mom screamed while I was taking a bath.

I usually didn’t eat breakfast. It made me wanted to vomit everything I ate. Mom didn’t knew about it and that was one thing she was worried about me for not eating anything for breakfast. After putting my uniform on I grabbed my bag while combing my hair. I didn’t said goodbye I just walked through the door, I didn’t even looked at mom.

I always walked to school, I could take a jeepney or bus but I always chose to walk. Gavin drove me to school sometimes but since we fought the night before, which was often, I always walked. School was far from home, took me thirty minutes to forty-five minutes. I loved long walks, it made me feel free even I was walking to a busy street, surrounded by a million of tragedies but I didn’t care. There came a time that I sought the probability of being in danger but I didn’t know why it never happened even once. I thought maybe, God thought that having a shitty life was enough tragedy in my life it was enough to fuck me over.

Friday, that was Friday. Most people love Friday but I didn’t. Not that I would just stayed at home over my weekends, I could go to a party during Friday nights, I was kind of popular in school and everyone knew my face and my name. The thing was, I just didn’t wanted to go anywhere I was not comfortable. I was not saying that I didn’t liked crowd, sometimes it was better to be in the crowd with people I didn’t knew than in my own house. But in the crowd with the people I barely knew but could just judge me whenever they wanted just because they knew my name? Never mind I was better to be in the house.

That school was built in the middle of the street that was only for boys but changed in the year 1968. The school was promising a greater future for the kids not like me. I wanted to be something that most kids didn’t dare to dream of; like being a famous poetess. My mother told me to stop dreaming, nothing was much depressing than your own parent telling you not to dream. Maybe if Audrey Hepburn were there she would hate my mother for teaching me not to dream.

Fist subject was boring, I just fell asleep. If there was something I was interested in school it would be English; I found it interesting since I liked poetry and it was one of the best things that only mattered in my life. After third subject, it was break. I tried to look for Gavin but I didn’t find him in his locker, nor in cafeteria. I saw Angelis, his varsity mate.

“Georgina,” he said as soon as he saw me.

“Where’s Gavin?” I asked immediately.

“He’s still inside the room.” He said looked on his shoulder.

I pushed him away and walked towards the last room of Gavin which was in South side of the school. Gavin was seated in the room scrambling on his notebook. I didn’t hesitate but opened the door as soon as I found him. He jumped when he heard the door opened. I stormed inside looked at him while he’s looking at me puzzled.

“Why you didn’t call last night?!” I screamed at him.

He shook his head in disbelief. “Why are you here?” he calmly asked.

I scoffed. “What do you think?”

“Please, leave me alone.” He scratched his nose.

I put my hand on my hip. “What do you mean?”

He stood and walked towards me and pushed me towards the door. “Please Georgina. I want to be alone.”

I didn’t understand, that was not him, after a day he’ll be okay. I ignored my guts to ask then exited to the room and left. He didn’t wanted me, he wanted a space then I gave it to him. If he wanted a space and time for himself in the moment I left him inside the room. When I got home I spent my time just sitting on my chair thought what I did to deserve the way pushed me like a mosquito flew on his face. The hours turned days on my room, then the days turned weeks without me knowing it passed that fast: until my mother stormed to my room without knocking marched to my room shook the floor on my feet.

“What happened to you, you never left your room? Oh my, Georg you have to take a bath.” mom asked but I didn’t blinked. She opened the window and turned off the light on my lamp.

She shook me until my senses came back to me. I looked at her monotone, just looked, and back to the mirror where I saw my reflection. But I didn’t saw the answers to my questions, after that weeks had passed, by just looking at my face in the mirror looking back at me, never answered the questions in my head. She felt the disturbance around the room and begged another answer.

“Georgina? Please talk to me.”

“Mom, leave me alone.”

Mom saw the disruption in me with the looked on her face I knew that she smelled something that cracked me from the inside to outside. I didn’t wanted to tell her anything in my life since I’d never told her anything as far as I remembered. She sat on the edge of my bed and held my hand without saying anything. By that gesture something I’d never seen my mother did since I was three. I turned, looked at her in slow motion. Mom didn’t asked anything which I found peculiar because she always had something to say or ask and in how much I knew or defined my mother she always wanted to pin point my mistakes on how she reminded herself on the mistakes that she did in her entire life. I looked back on the mirror reminded myself that that moment was about me and nothing but about me. There were a mini-seconds on that moment where I knew the answer why Gavin chose to be with himself; thought to that I would took the blame for, or maybe I was just being so emotional towards the fight. Then I remembered he never did asked for space on our two years’ relationship. I shook my head and leant to my mother.

“Mom. What’s for dinner?”

“Let’s eat somewhere.”

That was the first time in forever where mom and I went somewhere. She doesn’t have a time to go shopping with me or go to a restaurant to eat with me because of her busy schedule. I didn’t knew her job was but I knew she was busy from early in the morning ‘till late night. Sometimes, she would told me that she had meetings during Saturday’s, but I didn’t had any idea what her job was.

Because of my dramatic scheme ditched school for two weeks that I didn’t even noticed and didn’t checked the day, the school had decided to dropped me out. I only had twenty violations: included going to school drunk, forged teacher’s signature, stole examination answer sheet, and etc. liked the principal said ‘name it I’d done it.’ I was seated on the front seat in principal’s office with all of my teacher ‘I’d done badly.’ They were looking at me with pity and annoyed, I didn’t knew what the difference of it anymore, but I didn’t cared at least I didn’t have to wait for graduation to get the hell out of there.

“Georgina, did you know what’re we doing here?” Mr. Principal asked.

I was thinking ‘bet you know, just tell me.’ but instead of saying it out loud I just shrugged.

“Georgina, they’re talking to you.” Mom said.

“It’s okay if you want to drop me out.” I said.

My teachers and the principal scratched their heads and the others looked away. That moment I knew that something out of my will would happened. I knew that they would not just let me walked away that simple, since that I was once an honor students before I became a trash.

“It’s okay? There’s only less than three months before the graduation.” Ms. Baylon, my adviser, reminded me.

“If you feel bad about it, then what do you want me to do?” I asked.

“Attitude.” Mom whispered.

I rolled my eyes. I looked at my teachers and all of them even my mother and the principal wore the same facial expression, all of them are worried about me and pissed with my attitude and I knew just one pushed I would let them sent me to hell. I didn’t know if I have to be worried but I was sure as hell they wouldn’t not make that easy for me sending me to hell. One of my teachers ready to explain the things I already knew. She looked at me.

“You were such a great student, Georgina, if our memory are correct, you were an honor student, right now you’re just wasting all of the efforts you omitted. We’ll give you a chance to do your missed assignments, and projects.” Ms. Baylon explained.

I held my hand up and I saw the distorted irritation faces of the people around me. “Quick question. Did I missed all of those things you just said in the matter of two weeks? C’mon who’ll believe you?”

Ms. Baylon held a poker face expression then answered me. “You didn’t pass any projects to your teachers, even assignments. You’re lucky to have a passing grades thanks to your tests.” She wiped her hands to her skirt as if it was a cursed to answer my question. “Now Ms. Dizon,” she looked at mom. “We’ll give your daughter a month to pass the things she failed to do.”

I looked at them in disbelief. “What?! Do you believe I can do that?”

My math teacher looked at me and dismissed my question. “You have to pass everything before the final exam.” He smirked and continued. “Next month will be the finals.”

I leaned my back on the chair. “Just drop me out. I can’t do that!”

Mom pinched my shoulder and I at her glared. “Georgina! What nonsense are you talking about?!”

Mr. Principal ordered my teachers to give the things I missed during their time. Moreover, the papers were overwhelmed me liked I missed the whole years’ home works, and projects. When I was in freshmen year I did my school works just because I didn’t wanted to stay at the house I would went to the farthest library until I finished with my homework and projects that I knew the deadline would be in the future. That was when I was freshman. I started ditching school, even during examination, and not doing my homework when I met Gavin and his friends that was junior and I didn’t gave a shit to all of the consequences for doing that.

That day, while I was holding all of the papers in my hands and my mother’s nonstop sermon, I did my best to ignore her. When mom pulled the car in front of our porch, I saw Gavin on our front door. My mother asked me if I knew the person seating in front of the door but I ignored her. And as soon as she parked the car I jumped out and acted to reached for Gavin but he shove me and said something that froze me. I lost my energy, lost my balance. I was nothing but a thin dust flown in the air. If only I knew how to cry using with my eyes and not just cracking inside, which was much harder because it was killing me deep down, crying would felt less damaging. I felt my body sunk on the ground with the words he told me left me comatose.

“Georgina? Who are you?” I heard my mother asked Gavin.

“I’m Georgina’s schoolmate.” He answered and left.

I guessed he just needed a space again and didn’t wanted to see me… again. Yeah, he didn’t wanted to see me… anymore. He denied me to my mother in front of me. I ran to my room, I just lay straight on my back to the comfort of my bed looking at the ceiling. Well, nothing was there just the old ceiling of my room. The position of the way I lay, felt liked the smelt of my childhood, whenever I was alone with my babysitter she liked to lie like that on my bed smoking using a paper. Before, I thought it was just a smoke but when I grew up and I didn’t need any nanny, I slowly got aware that it was not just a simple smoke. I quickly sat and grabbed one of the papers one of my teachers gave earlier. It was a simple tasked: Write a poem. I grabbed a used paper and a pen. Just a thing in me: I couldn’t write easily using my typewriter because for me it was easier to write with a pen and paper. I crumpled few papers then I begun to soaked in the momentum of what I was writing.

When I was six I remembered discovering about poetry and fell in love with it. My teacher made us read about a poem. After school my babysitter fetched me, I asked her about it, she told me the words there were deep, but she researched about it when we got home. She also brought me to library and looked for poetry books, it was a golden day. It was one of the best memories I had in my childhood, it was a pure reminder that there was something in me to be proud of because the poetry was the first thing I feel in love in this wreckage world.

I walk in this planet

Like a sleeping cat.

Trying to walk straight

But my feet is covered with heavy shoes.

I woke up in foggy morning

Like a zombie looking for nothing.

Trying to be alive

But my soul is covered in darkness

And I breathe in this smoky place

Like a hypnotized monkey.

Trying to breath but my lungs

Is covered with gas mask.

I’m trying to live but

I can’t do anything to stop myself from breaking.

I looked at the piece I’d written, I didn’t know the meaning of that just came from my mind. Every time I was writing a poem, after I’d finished it, I didn’t know the meaning of those I was just writing whatever comes out on my mind. I touched gently the words and remembered thinking it was for my mother’s failure life.

After I felt the poems was finished I wrote the title on the middle center of the paper and rewrite it on a clean paper. I finished one homework, I took another paper it was a Math problem so I threw it aside and looked for something I was interested in. There were a split of time, I didn’t noticed I had fallen asleep. I opened my eyes slowly being blinded of the light on my room and even the lamp on my study table was opened and my back was aching because of slouching over, with the papers on my face for too long. I looked at the finished papers piled up on my table. I was thirteen percent, I thought, finished with all of the papers my teachers gave to me yesterday. It was 3:54 in the morning, I didn’t know if I’d fallen asleep that long or if I did the papers longer than I’d slept. I continued doing my homework. My mind traveled while doing the papers. I didn’t have a plan after high school, all I want was to leave my butt on that school and live with Gavin, but it was all gone.

Mom was screaming in my head, when I opened my eyes slowly, I turned my head to the door of my room that was half opened, while my mother looked like she was hugging the door. She told me someone was on the telephone. I asked who that person was but she failed to tell me. The clock said it was 11:45 in the morning I knew I was late for school, thought I didn’t cared. I stood lazily walked down to the stairs that felt forever, and answered the telephone. I asked who he was since the voice was a male, I assumed it was Gavin but he didn’t told me so, I hung up the phone. Disappointed that it was not Gavin. I went to the kitchen to grab a food. My mother swayed her hips left to right while cooking.

“Who was that?” She asked cheerfully.

“Aren’t you supposed at work?’ I asked as I came face to face to the refrigerator.

“Today’s Saturday.”

I nodded my head, grabbed the pitcher and poured the milk to my glass.

“The food is almost finished.” Mom said.

I prepared the table as mom put the bowl of chicken cury on the table. She sat beside me. We ate silently, I could almost hear my own heartbeat in the air. Mom felt the loneliness of the house, although she was not alone. She turned on the television with the remote control. She switched the channel for almost five minutes before she realized that nothing interest her then she turned it off.

“Didn’t you slept last night?”

“I slept.” I looked at her. “Were you guarding me, last night? Weren’t you?”

“Not like that Georgina, I just saw the light to your room still on at 12:30.” She explained.

“I started my homework.”

“It’s good that you’re starting doing them this early. I was worried….” She stopped talking when she saw me pushed my plate and stood. “Where will you go?”

“I’m finished.” I replied.

I headed to my room, I look at the papers lying on my study table then I paced around my room. I was so mad at myself that I expected it was Gavin who called but turned out a prank. I didn’t knew what to think anymore, though it was clear as the air that what he told me yesterday was real. “I want to break up with you, Georgina.” It echoed again. Felt he was there to repeat what he said over and over and over again. Without explanation or further ado. Just the simple, plain, and blunt “I want to break up with you, Georgina.” It hung on my mind like recorded program. I felt the room was spinning so I sat for a moment on the floor hugged the stuffed toy he gave me on my seventeenth birthday, it was the start of our relationship, the fresher happy memories not like the latest.

I ran downstairs and grabbed the phone I dialed their number and regretted it in a second for doing it not because I doubted he would answer it, but because of the knowledge that he would never gave me a second chance, even he’ll talked to me because once his mind were fixed nothing could change it. He was the kind of a person that you couldn’t beg to change his mind to the thing that he had already decided. Minutes have passed, the phone kept on ringing, no one answered I was left looking on the numbers of the telephone. I’d decided to do some of the unfinished homework, so I ran towards my room. I did my homework to block the noises in my head but the trafficked of it was still distracting me. I stopped for a moment and decided to take a bath, while I was in the shower I heard the voice of Gavin again, those times that he was laughing and making a joke it was pure to me and fresh. Suddenly, everything turned gray: the fights, the arguments, the cursing. Maybe, it was an unhealthy relationship that we had developed after a year or two. I convinced myself that I wanted this. But this was not the kind of breakup that I wanted. After I finished taking a bath I asked my mother if someone called. None. I couldn’t take it anymore, the waiting, the reminiscing, and the speculations. It was better to face him and ask, he did it anyway, drove to my house just to tell me we were over, even though I knew, I wouldn’t wanted to hear the answer that I already knew. I grabbed mom’s key. She looked at me while she was washing the dishes.

“Where are you going?” she asked.

“At Gavin’s.” I swayed the key on my face. “I’ll borrow your car.” I said while walking to the front door.

“Who’s Gavin?” She asked. “Drive carefully.” She added.

The time that I was in the car I was in a debate, I was thinking to myself I would be selfish to go there and witnessed how Gavin would break my heart. But I wanted to hear his side, just an explanation. It took me fifteen minutes before starting the car I was also considering of going back inside the house. However, since I’d already called maybe it was safe to drive to his house and help him stab the knife deeper. I drove to his place for three hours just roaming around the city, or maybe I drove farther than where he actually lived, or maybe it was because of the fog in the mirror, or maybe I was just driving slower than riding a horse. I heard the other cars honked at me and cursed me while I was driving. Guessed what, I didn’t care. I turned off the engine as I parked to their porch. The sun was settled, it was completely dark, when I arrived the light on their porch was on but I couldn’t hear any commotions inside their house. The only reason why I was there was to make it clear yesterday that we were done, and because I needed a reason. I felt sad after that shitty visitation and denied me with my mother in front of me and I didn’t deserved to be dumped without a reason. I didn’t unbuckled my seatbelt and put back my hands on the wheel. “Do I have to do this?” I asked myself.

They said that if you doubted something better not to go with it. Well, I never listen to anyone. Besides, deep within me I knew that I was here for a purpose that I needed. I was there because I believed that something’s might good would happened.

I slowly unbuckled my seatbelt and slowly opened the car door. My inner self was screaming to go back to my own house but I reminded myself why I was there on his porch. However, it felt like I was slept walking because I couldn’t remembered getting out to the car and woke up facing his front door. My hand was shaking when I raised my hand to knock. I fought my doubt that he would be there but somewhere drinking with someone he replaced for me. I haven’t cried yet since that moment, though I felt like my windows got broken, everything we just built and started got ruined. Even though everything were harmful.

The door opened and I fought back my body from shaking, I saw the interior part of the house for the first time. I’ve been here like tons of time, but I was not able to enter, as much as Gavin wanted me to, I always declined since I didn’t want to be part of their family. The kind of family I had was different from theirs. I came from a broken family while Gavin and her brother were raised by their mother alone, according to Gavin their father died when he was just a little and Davin was only seven months old inside their mother’s womb. And those time Gavin was devastated on their Mother’s illness. Yes, I was raised by my mother alone but theirs’ a different story.

“Georgina.”

I was looking inside and I didn’t noticed that Davin was standing beside the door. I looked at him, he looked back at me. Davin was wearing his pajamas even though it was too early for bedtime. His hair was messy. I didn’t even knew that he had an eyeglasses or maybe I did I just noticed that say.

“Oh, hi Davin.” I said my voice cracked.

“Yes? Do you want to come inside?” he asked.

“N… no…” I said stuttered. “Is Gavin there?” I asked.

Saying his name out loud left a bittersweet taste on my mouth, I washed the taste of it that hang on my tongue. His name felt like a nostalgic name echoed on my skull. Felt like I was not allowed to say those baptized name of his anymore.

“He’s not here.” he replied. “He hasn’t come back, yet.” he added.

My world stopped like everything lost in its motion. My breathing became shallow. Where would he be? I asked myself. I lost my sense of balance and felt like I was about to fall, I put my whole weight on my left foot and leaned on the post where the door connected.

“Mom’s not here either.” Davin informed.

He knew I didn’t want to meet their mother. Maybe his brother told him that. As I remembered my arguments with Gavin always included their mother. It was always about meeting their mother that I did not wanted since I was insecure to the kind of family they had. Of course they grew up without their father but the story that Gavin one’s shared by their mother that I always unsecured with.

“You can wait him inside.” He offered.

My paralyzed body nodded, it walked inside the house I’d never been but visited for two years without walking inside even once. It sat on the sofa that I was sure Gavin sat whenever he was watching basketball match with his brother. Even though, that was the first time I’d been inside their house I felt not welcome. It was like he put a potion to that place so I wouldn’t be inside just like I always refused to come. Davin said something but my mind was too busy to thought if Gavin was somewhere with his new girl, that I assumed he got new that was why he had a guts to broke up with me.

Davin tapped my shoulder and I startled. “Do you want something to drink?”

That was not the first time I’d looked at Davin’s face but it felt like that, it was the first time I’d noticed he looked like his brother: his eyes, his eyebrows, the shape of his jaw line, even the way he talked: those were the identical figures he got with his brother. Those realization brought tears to my eyes that I didn’t realized just because of that less dramatic break up. But it felt like I kept my tears in hidden ground. Though, the tears that were falling on my face felt distant to me. What was touching on that moment was that: Davin didn’t asked why, he didn’t asked me what was wrong, he didn’t told me his speculations why I was crying. Instead, he patted my back and let me cried for an hour. After I sniffed one last time and wiped the last tear he hugged me and gave me a sad smile.

“Want to watch a movie?” he invited.

“Movie?” I asked.

He nodded with a smile. “Yes.”

We were silent for less than a minute. I looked somewhere, maybe it was just on the wall, maybe that was why I couldn’t remember what I was looking. Davin stood beside me and looked straight to my eyes. It was the way Gavin did.

“C’mon?” he said offered his hand breaking the silence.

His voice echoed around the room, bounced on the concrete wall and resonated on my skull. I looked at him and held my stare for a while, I nodded slowly. He held my hand and led me upstairs, smaller hallways to the doors. There were four doors on that hallways even though they were just three people under that roof. I concluded that one of those were a bodega. But I was sure as hell one of those doors was towards Gavin’s room but I didn’t dared to ask. Why would ask, right? I was no longer welcome on his heart, or even on his mind, I was just an ex-girlfriend. It just so hard to believe, I still wanted to be delusional, somewhere on my heart clasped my feet hoping that any minute on that day he would burst on one of those doors and would be able to explain that decision that lead to break up. I didn’t noticed that I was just standing in the middle of the hallway unblinking on one of the doors. I looked at Davin holding the doorknob of the door located on the corner part of the hallway. I jogged towards him. When we got inside, his room smelled like an old newspaper but his room was filled with a lot of comic books and novels I couldn’t even count the amount of those lying on the floor and on his study table.

“You read all of them?” I asked mesmerized with all of the things my eyes seeing.

I asked walking towards his comic’s collection. I didn’t even have a time to look at him, he didn’t even asked what I was referring to. I held one of the comic books that laid on his study table and sat on his bed then randomly opened the page.

“Yep.”

“How old are you again?”

“Eleven.”

He followed me and I felt like my jaw literally dropped on his carpeted floor.

“Wow!” I looked at him in awed.

He giggled. “Some of those were gifts.” He explained. “And some I just bought on my own.” He took one of his novels and smiled at me.

“You like reading.” I said astounded.

“Ah, yes. Well, my brother said it was a waste of time. But of course his favorite TV shows also a waste of time.” He said with a laughed.

“I feel you.” I agreed, laughing with him.

“He told me that you like reading too. We both like wasting our time.” he joked.

“At your age you supposed to play outside, right?” I commented and sat on his bed.

He looked at me with a serious expression, returned the novel he was holding and sat next to me.

“Well, I like playing with my friends, like basketball, sometimes with my brother. This is just a hobby, I’m sure you understand what I mean.” he gave me a smile.

I found him matured at his age that time, most 11-year-old kids didn’t much pay attention on the books and grades. I remembered what Gavin one’s told me before that Davin barely went outside to play, that was why every time I was seeing him roaming outside their house I found it amusing. I leaned on my side putting all of my weight on my shoulder supporting my head on the headboard of his bed, closed my eyes.

“My mother told me I’m wasting my money buying books.”

I felt he moved closer to the space next to me.

“Did you enjoy all the books you bought?”

The question was not that much, there were no right and wrong but I thought for the right answer, took for a moment before answering: thought the reason why I was reading and not the other usual people did during their free time. I read because I was enjoying the lives of other people: saving other people, or their amazing adventure, or just their different life, less fucked up or more fucked than mine

“Maybe.”

“Sometimes ‘maybe’ is simply a ‘yes’ sometimes it’s just a simple ‘no’, it depends on where you want to imply it. For me, the way you said your ‘maybe’ it feels like a ‘yes’. You’re a simple girl you’re not even pretending to be someone else just to be famous in your school, at least that’s what my brother said.”

I opened my eyes and looked at him. He was so close to me. One more move and he would be touching my elbow. How can he said those words on me that had an impact of a knives dragging inside my ribs? It was the moment that I was sure something that kid was not just an ordinary kid. Those words carried a huge amount of impact on me bouncing like a ball on my face. Maybe he was right on all of the words he said to me. Maybe he was almost right. I moved a little to his side closing the little gap touching side by side. I examined his face looking like a lot of his brother. I developed the urged to kiss him. So I stopped looking at him and cleared my throat.

“We’re going to watch a movie, right?” I said unsure of my voice.

“Ah yes.” He stood and scratched his head.

I was not good in criticizing a movie, I barely even watched a movie with a reason that I didn’t knew. I just wanted to read pocketbooks more than watching a movie. The movie we watched was not well directed, Davin told me it was one of his favorite movies. But the story was good, though. After the movie ended, Davin asked me for an honest comment, so I told him the truth. He just laughed on my comment.

“It’s one of the underrated movies I like. I’m more into indie films. Most people who likes commercial films, can say that to the films like that.” He told me.

My eyebrow arched. “Ooh! But I don’t like watching movies, though.”

He was so knowledgeable when it comes to books, novels, comics, and films. People could simply judge him as a boy who liked video games or a nerd kid but the truth was that he was more than a kid than you could meet in the eye. He told me that he wanted to be publish a book someday or to be a filmmaker but since he doesn’t knew how to write he was just practicing that time, writing a premise for the stories he wants to write someday. He was such an interesting kid. That was the first time I talked to him interested not just like some of the people same age as mine.

Before I noticed it was already passed nine, I heard my stomach begging for a food, that was the time I looked at my wrist watch and have decided to took Davin for dinner since both of us haven’t eaten anything since I arrived. And Gavin on the other hand hadn’t come back yet. I asked Davin what he wanted he just shrugged. I didn’t even knew what I wanted to eat so I told Davin it was better if we take for walk and looked for something to eat. We drove to the nearest restaurant and looked for something to eat, until we’d decided to eat spaghetti. Driving back Davin was silent and felt distant, even his stare was distant. I didn’t asked him why.

I parked the car on the porch then I forced a smile. “I had fun.”

He looked at me with a serious expression. He said genuinely. “That’s nice.”

He got out in the car, before finally left he looked at me again. “Thanks.” Said Davin, forced a smile and turned his back on me again before entering the house. I distracted myself by listening to music but I guess radio couldn’t understand the type of music I wanted. The road looked hallow that I felt any minute it might eat me, I never knew why I felt that way on my ride to my mother’s house, maybe, it was because of the way Davin gave me a smile, or the way I changed the topic immediately as soon as I realized I was staring at him awkwardly on his room, or maybe I made him felt unease. When I arrived to the house mom already asleep, I knew, I always knew whenever she was asleep when I got to the house, it was when her favorite mug was sitting peacefully in the middle of the table after drinking tea. The house sounded like a hotel room, mostly quiet, except when mom and I were in argument. But honestly, I wanted to wake my mother to ask if someone called but I shook that thought, Gavin hadn’t returned on their house while I was there, so the possibility that he’d call was ‘zero’ and I’d decided to closed my eyes and sleep. I didn’t change my clothes, I

When I woke up that Monday morning, I committed myself to visit Gavin again, check his schedule, ask his friends, and follow him whenever I was seeing him on the hallway every day. And that was the most pathetic thing I’d ever had done on my life. I was eighteen and pathetic. Mostly because of love, I guess, but I had to stopped blaming everything on love, it was just my choice to be stupid. Gavin usually spent his free time in the science laboratory, it was not that he was a science geek or interested in science. He once told that science laboratory was often more quiet than library. But science laboratory was locked, so I went to his locker, no sight of him. Neither in pool area. I looked for his friends but they told me that Gavin was absent. Last Friday I saw him laughing with his friends in cafeteria and that day he was absent.

When I heard the last bell I stood quickly, even though the teacher was saying something, I gathered my stuffs and head straight to the door before I could opened it the teacher held my shoulder and I suddenly realized the rushed heartbeat on my chest, slowly turned to him. I didn’t even remembered the subject because I didn’t paid attention. But the disappointment on his face was clear that he hated me that much.

“The class hasn’t finished yet, Ms. Dizon.” The teacher said. “You barely show your face in class and now this is what you’re planning to do?”

I returned to my seat without further ado, the annoying part was everyone was murmuring, felt that that would be a good rumor that would spread immediately and I was right. I became the center of gossip but I didn’t hear what they thought about me. Before I met Gavin, I cared too much about my reputation, it was hard being active in school clubs just to keep your popularity. I was not popular without a reason but I was popular because I was smart and active in school clubs. When Gavin and I became official the whole school got shocked, Gavin was not cool besides he was a basket case without a good nor bad reputation, he didn’t cared about his grades but he studied just enough to passed the subjects, he didn’t had any club and often goes to his brother’s school whenever there were meetings since everyone knew that Gavin was an unfortunate child: he had to looked after his little brother. That time I didn’t knew what to think. Last Saturday he wasn’t home with his brother until I got to the house. I didn’t know if Gavin was there when I drove Davin back, and he was absent. I was so worried. When the teacher dismissed us, my friend, Alex, approached me while I was walking but I didn’t stopped to have a chitchat with her.

“What happened to you these passed days?” she switched the books to her right arm.

“What are you talking about?’” I asked walking faster than my usual speed.

“Georgina, are you okay? Are you on drugs?!” she shouted in whisper.

I stopped walking and turned to her. “What?”

“You seemed off lately. You’re absent for weeks.” She explained.

I became irritated to her judgmental observation. I exhaled and put my hand on her shoulder. “You know what, Alex you don’t have to worry about me. You don’t even know what’s going on with my life right now. So if you may.” I remove my hand and dust off my palm. “Don’t mind me. Mind your fucking business, bitch!”

The time those words left my mouth I simply couldn’t stopped myself, I poured all my frustrations on her because she was the only person who approached me and asked me what was going on, the one who got a balls to asked. I didn’t knew if I regretted it even a little but who the hell cared? Not even me. Remembering what’d happened I still don’t know. I passed to the hallway, they were looking at me like I was an alien to the school. Clever enough to brought my mother’s car, I begged my mother to brought the car the night before so I could go to Gavin’s incased he wasn’t around. Turned out to be the right decision. When I got to the parking lot I opened the door before turning the alarm off, I kicked the wheel and cursed the world. I calmed myself as soon as I settled myself inside the car, I inhaled good things in the world and exhaled my frustrations. Driving again to the house I used to hate and used refused to come inside it was absurd it felt like I was kidding myself before and reasoning out. But I was reasoning out.

It was almost five when I reached Gavin’s porch. The house sounded extremely quiet in unease way. I quickly got out to the car without unbuckling the seatbelt, I slammed the door with all my strength, brushed my hands through my face rapidly, I screamed so loud on the top of my lungs, which was pathetic because everyone peaked through their windows searching for the pathetic girl looking for attention. The front door stormed open, Gavin, he looked at me through the car, disappointed. I opened the car door and ran towards him but before I made it to the door, I faced the closed door and not Gavin. I banged the door desperately crying and begging, screaming his name like it was just the only thing I knew.

“Gavin, please talk to me.” I begged. My voice was shaking.

I didn’t know how long I sat in the front porch waited for my ex-boyfriend to open the door once again but no Gavin showed up. I must’ve fell asleep because the next thing I knew I’d being shaken by Davin. He was wearing the same pair of pajamas he wore the other day, blue and white stripes just like Banana’s in Pajamas’ wearing without the collar holding a basketball standing in front of me. I sat straight brushed my hair off of my hair.

“Where’s Gavin?” I asked while wiping the drool on my face.

“Inside.” He sat next to me. “You’re still here. You should’ve went home.” he dribbled the ball and motioned to me. “You know him.”

“I’m not here for that.” I scoffed. “I want answer.” I released a huge breath.

I remembered the sky that evening. I was looking at the beautiful stars formed constellations above my head, ignoring the beautiful moon, if only I knew the names of ‘em I knew I could name ‘em out today but it was not my thing. Davin stopped dribbling and look at me with his sad eyes. The noisy crickets stopped singing as if they also wanted to hear what Davin was about to say.

“You know you can’t push him.”

“He’s absent, didn’t you know why?”

I saw the sudden changed to his expression, he even avoided an eye contact to me. I felt awkward, I didn’t even knew what I said wrong to changed his expression like that for three seconds. I guess there was something about my question, a forbidden words I shouldn’t had said. He stood and offered his hand on me. Dismissed my question in shoving the different personality he’d shown me for three seconds and put the masked he’d worn the other day.

“I’m hungry.” He forced a sad smile. “My treat this time.”

Because I felt guilty on an unwanted behavior that caused his moods to change and I was hungry, also I accepted his hand. We walked just around the corner, few blocks from their house there was a barbeque restaurant, I doubt it was still there, the place was not crowded but maybe because it was eleven in the evening that was why it was not crowded that time, I remember there were only at least four to six people eating. Davin chose the table next to the window he sat in the window seat and I sat across from him. We were quiet for a while, when the waitress arrived the silence was interrupted.

“You’re not with your brother.” The waitress commented with a smile to Davin.

He didn’t said anything. I assumed they were often there based on the waitress’ reaction. I took the menu as soon as the waitress handed it to me, silently read the menu. I was starving I hadn’t eaten anything after lunch. I forgotten what I ordered but I remember I’d ate three cups of rice like a hungry pig. Davin kept laughing at me, untouched the iced tea in front of him, though, he said he was hungry. He was so astounded finding out I could eat the whole casserole of rice without getting fat. After I ate, we took the long way to their house, I forgotten why we did that. It was quiet and late and I didn’t knew why Davin was still awake. The stars were also quiet like they were watching us from above compensating to the mood of the two people. The air smelled like a new bloomed flowers and a fresh leaves in the forest like it was twilight. There were only few people we met on our way, those people who came from their work and a college students, it frightened me but I didn’t showed it on my face since the place doesn’t look like dangerous at all. I didn’t knew what he was thinking but I was studying his behavior if it was about me. Those time, I developed an unwanted mentality, I began to question myself if all of the moods of the people reflected the way I reacted or commented. Depression even brought me a question I never dared to ask before.

“He really didn’t face you.” he begun. “He doesn’t want to explain.” He didn’t looked at me then he continued. “There were things that is better to be left unexplained, especially if it’ll only bring pain for the both of you.” and he let a huge amount of sigh. “Let him, maybe he’ll explain later on.” He looked at me and smiled.

“When he’s okay.” He added.

That rang on my ear then echoed inside my skull. He had a problem and he didn’t told me instead he chose to broke up with me than to share his problem; selfishness! I turned to look at Davin and smirked like crazy. I didn’t know if it was worth a try but I wanted to ask just to know if I’ll fish something. Moreover, I was not scared to risk anymore.

“Why?” I asked.

“I can’t understand what you’re talking about.” Davin replied.

I shook my head and continued to walk, I fastened my speed. He was just like his brother. He knew what I was asking about but he dismissed my ‘why’ just liked a lunatic frantic. Davin remained quiet until we reached their porch. I didn’t said goodbye nor thank him for the free dinner, he just stood there in front of their house looking at me approached to my mother’s car until I drove away from their driveway. It was one thirty in the morning when I got home, the only light in the house was the light in the porch illuminating the front door and nothing else. I remember it all too well because I felt the emptiness in me growing more and more than it was two weeks ago. I couldn’t barely remembered the first thing I did when I got inside my room but I remember looking at the crack on the ceiling of my room long enough until I realized I was staring on it. My heart was unbearable so I’d decided to lessen the ache of it. Gavin doesn’t want to talk to me so I decided to talk to paper, it couldn’t run away from me if I’ll let out what I wanted to say.

The deep surrounding carries off.

I touch the bullet in my heart.

Knowing you’re holding the gun that was cold.

You point your finger at me nailing apart.

I squeeze my hand

The blood pool in front of me.

My mind got numb

Another love of life wants to be free.

I clutch the star that you gave,

A memory that bruise.

Cling to my heart if you may.

The possibility can’t be measure.

The note of the song is can’t be tremble.

The rhyme of the poem is incomparable.

The oddness of you is terrible.

Now you left me undecided.

I was fifteen when I started writing a poem, it was not a big deal in the Philippines since people got more interest in music than poetry, but for me, they were the same in different level. It was just a brief lesson in English class, we were tasked to write a poem, since then, I knew I found my niche, my life literally changed. Whenever I felt alone and wanted to brush off the overwhelming sadness and madness I would just write it down and just like magic it would be gone. Poetry was everything I loved. I was even more interested by it than doing my homework or simply living in my reality.

I knew that poem was my farewell poem for Gavin, indeed it was. I ripped the page of my notebook where I wrote it and fold it to make a small square of paper in my hand and put it inside my bag. I planned to give it to Gavin after what happened earlier on their house. I turned off the lamp and crawl inside my blanket. It was a lonely midnight but what was more depressing was my dream.

In my dream, I was sitting in the middle of the room where there was nothing but a chair and a spotlight on top of my head. It was so dark that all I could only see my body lying on the floor. I stood and sat on the chair. My vision got blurred when I saw a silhouette figures of people in the room walking towards where I was sitting. When they stepped on the light, saw the faces of the shadows: those were the people I loved and the people who took care of me: my mother, a man with no face, Gavin, my friends, and other people who I remembered became once part of my life. They pointed at me, then laughed, they turned their backs to me as if they just came to laugh at me, then I extended my arms to them and uttered a word, my mouth felt bitter and dry I couldn’t spit out a word that I wanted to say, I tried to scream but wind left my mouth like a sand. I felt scared. One by one the faces became a silhouette again. I became terrified as I tried to call their names. I got left alone, again. A sudden thud in my heart forcefully awaken me in the middle of a thick black scenery in my room that night. Suddenly I felt heavy my heart felt like sinking then I stood. The urged to grab a glass of water grew in me but the room felt like spinning, I mean, the house, or maybe the world was spinning. I also felt dizzy walking bare foot to the kitchen. My mouth felt dry it made the dream felt real. The kitchen felt so far, I held the rail of the stairs while walking down, then I felt my body was so heavy I could barely stood straight. The stairs was endless I sat in the middle and regained my strength while I gathered my breath but breathing was also hard. I closed my eyes battling to stop myself from crying. When I opened my eyes again I was pinned on my bed like it was also part of my nightmare. There were nothing but an endless fucking nightmare. I didn’t understood what the dreams were about then quickly I stood and ran downstairs then gulped huge amount of water. My thirst was nonstop.

When I was a little my mother told me that dreams had unique meanings that resembles in our life; whether it was a reflection of the past, a parallel to the present, or a reflection to the future. But that dream, I didn’t knew what it meant. After I drank glasses of water I sat on the sofa, thought about the dream without realizing the sun lit up the world. I stared on the window for a while until I’d noticed my mother was shaking my shoulder.

“Have you slept, honey?” she asked.

I stared at her long enough that she thought I was going crazy. She was holding an empty mug with her messy hair. Her pajamas was faded green that was too long to her legs touching the ground. I just noticed that her wrinkles are much visible when I saw her that close, she looked older without her make-up.

“I just woke up, early.” I replied to her like a robot.

I shook the thought dismissing my empty head and stood to grab a milk. I still felt groggy after those dreams, it almost felt like it drowned me. It was already five-fifteen in the morning. My milk was lying on the table silently watching me staring at nowhere. My mind was flying somewhere where I couldn’t dive in, on that moment I was thinking how the heck was a person could survive a heartbreak without physically beaten. My mother left the house at six-thirty in the morning and I didn’t know how she could managed to do that every morning for five days without being physically exhausted, or maybe I was wrong about her. I was so selfish that only my own pain mattered to me, that I never appreciated her, that I always thought about the pain that she caused me, but all of her efforts were disregarded. My mind got tired on those thought and wondered back to the thought of Gavin, he was my first boyfriend, at least the official one.

I was one hour and thirty minutes late for school. I took the long way to kill the time and so that I had more time to thought about someone that didn’t really gave an effort to think about me but what I really did was crowding my mind. I was absent on my first subject and half hour late on my second subject. The teacher looked at me furiously when I opened the door and sat on my seat to her classroom in the middle of discussion. I’d spent my lunch break tried to look for Gavin anywhere he could possibly be but found him nowhere, though I stopped hoping I would see him, today. To my frustration I left the school after lunch and went to Gavin’s house. Their house was quiet again, I didn’t heard any commotion inside. I put my ears on their wooden door hoping to hear a commotion inside but I heard nothing. I knocked gently doubted someone could hear it inside but with the silence of their house I knew it was audible. When I heard the door knob twisted I stood straight waiting for someone.