It's just cold feet that grips the reigns of doubt in my mind.
He's nice- well when he's not too busy having a staring contest with his phone...
The rose pink diamond necklace that Terrance gave me sat on my neck feeling more like a chain.
I didn't even like pink to begin with.
And for a moment I question whether or not I made some form of an error in my past transgressions. We dated, formed a general rhythm in this relationship and it felt right for a period.
I don't know... maybe in this life asking for too much is exactly what I'm doing. After all everyone from my parents to nosey neighbours pointed out how perfect Terrance and I fit. Plus having been in the unforgiving realm that is the dating world I had trouble finding a man who wasn't intimidated by the success I attained with my fashion line.
Terrance, however, didn't seem to mind it. He cheered me on. Still even as I repose in my office staring at the view of the city, some cloud of doubt fills me.
My mother will definitely smack me if she ever found out again about the deep hollows of hesitation I have to become his wife- if he ever proposed. To her, he was the ideal husband for me. Not that I have ever had a say in my life. If my mother had full control of me, I would have most probably been barefoot and pregnant in some kitchen instead of running this company.
When I told her I found a man, her entire face beamed and I swore she was even happier than at my graduation or when I told her I was getting honoured for the success of my fashion line in a few weeks. But in my period of uncertainty on whether I saw a future with him, she slapped me, telling me to be grateful he had even looked my way to begin with.
To my mother being 30 and single should be considered a sin in itself, although I see nothing wrong in my age. I'm 30 big deal! Not everyone can be like Morgan.
She definitely won't be a contender for the Mother of the Year award.
Still she could be worse so I'll take what I get.
The beep from my phone stopped my train of thought, indicating I had a notification. The message itself further placed more deep texture to the shadow of fear in my stomach.
Can't make it tonight. Work came up- D
I swallow more shards of glass down my throat at the vagueness in his dismissal. So much for taking our one year anniversary seriously.
Despite my anger, what scared me most is that maybe...to some degree loyalty no longer lines the stars of our universe. Late phone calls whispered in the brim of secrecy and evident smears of perfume.
I do love him
Love can only fuel you so far.
"Hey the team in Paris needs confirmation on those samples," said my assistant and long-time friend, Angie who sauntered into my office.
"Knocking is one of the few things in this world that never goes out of style or common courtesy, Angela."
She stopped in front of my desk seemingly amused by my serious tone. I don't ever call her by her full name.
"Okay, what did he do this time?" she asked taking a seat in front of me.
"What makes you think he did something?"
Angie may be a lot of things but she sure as hell wasn't buying my attempt to not delve into the subject of Terrance.
"Please spare me the crap and save it for your mother. Now what did the guy do?"
Sighing I knew Angie would not leave me alone. Her persistence levels had remained constant even from our college days together.
"He cancelled dinner plans. Said work came up."
"So the jackass didn't even bother to come up with a decent lie for skipping out on your anniversary. I swear if murdering wasn't illegal..." Angie said as she balled her hands into fists.
She can be rather violent sometimes.
"I know Angie; I know if murdering wasn't illegal that dude would be six feet under. You always say that when someone ticks you off."
"He's playing around with your feelings, babe. Of course he ticks me off."
"Maybe work really did come up," I mumbled sounding unsure myself.
"Bitch, do not defend him. It's bad enough he's cheating," she said shaking her head.
"Cheating seems a bit far-fetched... maybe I'm just being delusional."
"Always listen to your female intuition. If he's cheating, which I know he is, you kick his ass."
I couldn't help but laugh at her blunt choice of words. She was always the fiery one between us two and I loved her for it.
"You have never liked him."
"And can you blame me. I mean the guy wore a damn suit to a barbecue."
We both wind up laughing easing the tense air between us. No matter the storms we face the serenity outweighs it.
Tightening the trench coat I wore, I knew it was crazy to attempt this.
It's our anniversary why not just throw caution to the wind. Stepping into the building I had hardly been to his office before, so no doubt it'll be a nice surprise when he sees what I have under my coat.
There's nothing wrong with getting a little freaky now and then.
The good girl image I built can only bring you so far. Besides the only other time I was gutsy was when I got a tattoo in college.
And doing this will help stop this sour spill in our relationship, an effort has to be made.
The elevator ride served as a perfect time to calm my thoughts and get my nerves under control. The few shots I had taken weren't enough to calm my heart's rapid beating.
Lucky for me there was no one in sight and with pep in my step I moved towards his office. Or at least where I assumed his office would be.
Getting closer I caught sight of an individual moving through the office cubicles.
Thought there would be no one else here.
They had headphones on and were shuffling papers on a desk. Seeing no other option I went towards the guy and tapped him on his shoulder hoping to get directions on where his office is.