SPECIALITY

I was carrying a bundle of fresh flowers on my way towards the cemetery and it has been a year now since the last time I've seen my older sister.Everything fell apart as the first year goes by.  Our home that was once full of love and laughter? Now turn into hatred and full of cursing. It couldn't be called a HOME anymore, but instead it can be described as the living HELL. Yeah. A real definition of hell and the Almighty that all of the people so called "God" were no longer exist in our lives. Is that "God" of yours real?If he is, then why did he let those things happen to my sister? He only watches my sister from above, and let her suffer from the hands of evil. He can do something to save her BUT he didn't. He let that happened. He did nothing to prevent that. Now tell me, is he really even real? Well, I don't think so.

What kind of "Almighty" will let his people suffer from starving, watch his people living poor, watching his people get sick and let them die? What kind of "Almighty" will let his people experienced rape, getting abuse and locked up in jail, even though they are innocents? Does your so called "God" really exist? Again, I don't think so. But want to know WHY I hate your so called "Almighty"?

---

It started happening, a year ago. I was on my way home from school. Alicia texted and reminded me to buy some packs of sweets in our favorite candy shop. Along the way, I crossed path with my best friend, Coralita. She asked me if I can accompany her to the grocery store and I said yes. It was just on the same way towards the candy shop so why not. We're happily talking with each other on our way towards the store when I received another text From Alicia, she said she loves me.She has often said those words to me but this time I felt strange, it was like something is going to happen."You okay?" Coralita asked me and I just nodded my head in response. We entered the candy shop and I decided not to reply on my sister's message. I paid for our favorite sweets and we preceded heading to the grocery store. The strange feeling was still lingering within me and I can't wait to go home. "Hey Coral, is it okay if I go home first?" I asked in a worried expression. She only looked at me blankly but nodded her head at the same time. "Yeah sure, but I'll walk you home" She offered and I instantly agreed. I have no time for arguments.On our way home, by the distance we can already see few people crowding the front of our apartment and by instinct my heart started to race. I quickly dialed Alicia's number but she didn't pick up. "Looks like something happened" Coralita said beside me and hurriedly squeezes through the crowd of people while gripping on my wrist securely. "Excuse me, excuse me Sir. Excuse me" Coralita politely said while pushing few of the people that blocking our way. When we reached the front, an ambulance was parked and few medical staffs were carrying a stretcher on their way out of the apartment. A familiar figure stood beside them and I immediately recognized her. I ran all the way towards her, followed by Coralita from behind. "Wendy!" I called her out and her eyes are swollen.This time, my heart started to pump in and out of my rib cage abnormally, her swollen eyes, the unanswered calls and the ambulance. All of it was only pointing into one thing.

"R-Rosa, A-" she didn't finish her words but instead she burst into tears "Excuse me Miss, can I see the body first?" I heard Coralita asked one of the medical staffs that were carrying the body that was covered with a black cloth. "Are you the relative?" the staff asked and Coralita raises one of her eyebrows. "How would I know if I haven't seen the body yet?" she said in sarcasm and the medical staffs exchanged glances. We waited for them to uncovered the body but only half way through, I already recognized the earrings.I almost lose all of my energy when the after-math flashes in front of me; Alicia was covered with blood all over her body. She has a huge cut on her abdomen part and has a dried tear on her face. Then I remembered her last messages to me few minutes ago;

"Hey, Take care on your way home my little bean. I love you, sissy ❤"

---

"Alicia, hey I brought you flowers" I said while removing all of the dried leaves and old bundles of dried flowers on my sister's tomb. "Do you know what day is today?" I ask as I placed the fresh bundles of flowers on the side of her tombstone while smiling bitterly. "It's your first death anniversary, y-yeah. First year w-without y-you sis, it’s hard you k-know? I-I almost forgot to b-breath, I-I wanted to f-follow you b-but I guess, it’s not y-yet my time" I managed to say despite of the tears, rapidly falling from my eyes. It has been year but the feeling is like it was just happened yesterday. The memories were still fresh so does the scars that were left in my heart.Every time I close my eyes, Alicia's face greeted me. I can no longer called sleep a rest, but instead a nightmare.

FLASHBACK

I was taking care of Joy when I heard some yelling downstairs. “They are fighting again, Alicia” I muttered while watching my niece played with her favorite stuff toy, elephant. It was just the first month since we got back here in Sydney but they are already fighting. Is it because of Alicia’s absence? Maybe, during the plane ride, none of us tried to talk with one another though we’re just sitting next to each other and my niece was sitting On my lap. The silence is way to opposite from when Alicia was still with us during plane rides. Before, father will make sure that our seats were just next to them, but during the first plane ride without Alicia? He didn’t even ask me IF I want to seat next to the window like he used to, he just sat next to mother. I felt like I was with them BUT they don’t really wanted me to be there. It was just painful to experience that on the first day of moving forward.

Before, mother will ask me if I want to exchange food because sometimes the food on the plane isn’t my type or I barely eat, but the last plane ride with them, I eat nothing. Mother didn’t exchange food with me anymore. Again, I was hurt. It seems like I’m already a stranger to them now. When we finally got home, I was left outside the house with Joy and some luggage with me. Again I was hurt, I felt like I’m not welcome here anymore but I still stepped inside the house. The lights was off, my parents is already in their room, maybe. I climbed the stairs and few seconds later, I heard sobs from the nearest room which is Alicia’s room. Joy and I went in front of the room and the door was slightly opened. I peeks my head through the doorway and saw my mom sitting on Alicia’s bed. She was hugging my sister’s picture frame while breaking into tears.During Alicia’s funeral, none of my parents was seen crying. They seemed strong. 

“Why it has to be you?” I heard mom said while she was still crying and I felt a pang in my heart once she says that. I felt like it was a double meaning word that was meant for me. Why it has to be you? It kept on repeating in my head as the first set of tears rolled down my eyes. It feels like she was blaming me for my sister’s death. Maybe they aren’t telling me things related to that but I felt it every time they ignored me. It seems like their world were revolving to Alicia, to her only. Again, I was hurt. The pain was too unbearable that I can’t stand to see mother cry or hear her voice anymore because I somehow felt that I was responsible why she’s experiencing that. She lost a daughter because of her other daughter and that is me. The first week with them is I think the WORST among the other weeks I’ve spent with them. Every time we met in the dining table, mother always placed EXTRA plate on the seat next to her which was Alicia’s assigned seat and also the seat that is in front of me. Father always sees that as an act of craziness and when he tried to talk to mom about it, they always ended up fighting in front of me and my niece. It was a daily routine of OURS now. I’m living with my parents yet I still felt like I’m in a boarding house since I took care of myself instead of being taken care of by so called “parents”. I sometimes questioned myself if I still have a parent because I don’t feel it anymore. When we met in the living room, they just passed me by or ignored me. It was always like that. 

We never converse again. I can’t even remember when was the last time I saw the both of them SMILE because I’ve always seen them with their blank expressions or mostly, angry expression. Joy was the only family I have, that was I thought because it was always the both of us. We visit the hospital for her monthly check ups like Alicia used to. We went to the market to buy her baby needs like Alicia used to. We also played together like Alicia used to. When we got home, my parents were fighting again. “Why it has to be her?! Why her?!” mother screamed at my father but when I stepped inside the house, they stopped fighting till I reached my room and few seconds later, they will fight again. That was our daily scenario after my sister’s death.

END OF FLASHBACK

"I'm s-sorry about mom & dad, the c-changes in our d-daily lives and the cursing. L-like I've said, it's hard to keep going w-without you but I'm still trying to stay alive, look-- I'm still b-breathing and don't worry okay? This is the last cut. I won't do it again, promise" I said while breaking into tears. I raise my pinky finger in front of my sister's tombstone and close my eyes while patiently waiting for her to lock out our promises like we used to.Few seconds later, a cold breeze passes me by. It sent shivers down my spine. I open my eyes and quickly wipe my tears."And that's a promise that I should keep right, sis?" I tried to smile as I look up the sky, hoping for Alicia to feel proud of me. Even though she's not here with me anymore? I know she's always guiding me in small ways. She visits me in my dream but I always considered it as a nightmare. "I'll visit you again after 7 months. Don't miss me too much, okay? I love you Alicia!" I cheerfully said before blowing a flying kiss. I stood up from the grass and fixed the bundles in place. I waved goodbye and make my way back to my car. I buckled up my seat belt and started the engine. "When I come back? Everything will soon back to what it supposed to be. You can do it, Rosa! For mom & dad, specifically for Alicia" I cheered myself as I started driving off to the airport.

-TO BE CONTINUED -