Maria Eduarda

I haven't known what it's like to have peace for two years. And here I am, looking at myself in my bathroom mirror, trying to forget about my worst nightmare. Since that night I don't celebrate my birthday anymore. I have no reason to celebrate. How I wish I had died! Is it wrong for me to still have these kinds of thoughts? Is it wrong that I still feel dirty? There are so many contradictory feelings I've been feeling!
At first, I couldn't sleep due to the events. I was sedated and I was also restricted to the hospital bed. The pain I feel in my soul is so great that I ended up taking the serum out of the vein that was hydrating me and hurting me even more, I just see the blood coming out again, and I smile between the tears that were already flowing.
For me it was so good, because death would come and take me away from my suffering. One thing I was sure of: I wouldn't know how to live with it. Only I didn't expect the nurses to come in so fast and screaming. And I turn it off again.
And here I am again positioned in the same spot where I tried to kill myself the first time. And once again it didn't work. My sister was warned that I had tried to kill myself again. Now she looks at me shocked.
"What did you do, Dudley?" she asks me, tears in her eyes.
— You do not understand! - whisper.
"Then make me understand!" she says seriously. I try to move, and I can't. Seeing what I was doing, she says, “They had to tie you up.
“I could tell,” I grumble.
"So, are you or aren't you going to make me understand what's going on with you?"
“How long have I been here?
“Almost two days ago. Do you remember that night?
“Yes…” I whisper.
— So it is true? she asks me, and I feel my blood completely drain from my face.
“Yes…” I whisper again, ashamed of myself.
— Dudley, don't you want to know what happened to you?
“I honestly don't think you need to remind me of what exactly happened to me! — by accident, I'm rude, and then I'm apologizing: — Forgive me, I didn't mean to be rude.
'I know not!' You don't know what I felt when I saw you on the bathroom floor all bloody.
My beautiful sister… She had no idea how much I admired her, she raised me since I was little, our difference is ten years.
— Forgive me! I ask again, and she hugs me, laying her head in my lap. Start to cry. Very.
“I thought you were dead! she whispers.
“It was what I wanted at that moment,” I confess, feeling her tears in my belly.
"No, I don't want you to try harder on your life!" she says angrily and gets up. So I could see how depressed she was.
— I need to die! She looks at me shocked.
"Don't ever say that shit again!"
'Do you think it's easy?'
"I imagine it can't be easy!"
'No, you don't!' — I practically scream, and try to control it: — On my birthday I was raped!
— Dudley, calm down - she asks, seeing how agitated she was.
"I can't be calm!" I look hard at her. — In addition to being raped, I could be pregnant and still run the risk of having an STD.
— They did the pregnancy and STD test.
— And what was the result? I ask, afraid.
— The result shows that you, Miss Sanches, are not pregnant and also not contracted the virus — I hear a man's voice and I'm trying to know who it is. I don't need much, from the look of my sister, who turned very red.
“Hi, Doctor Leão,” my sister says, still blushing.
He flashes a smile that I find sensual and greets us.
"So I'm not pregnant?"
— No, miss! But that doesn't mean you don't have to take the morning-after pill, let alone the cocktail, because you're going to take it as prevention.
"But didn't you say that I'm not pregnant and that I haven't contracted an STD either?" Why do I have to take it? I ask, already getting nervous.
“Miss, as I was saying, you have to take it, and we're going to do more tests. You will also be accompanied by a psychologist.
“I don't need a psychologist,” I say thickly, and my sister glares at me.
"Yes, she will, Doctor Leo!"
— Great, the nurse will bring the medication, and we'll do more tests soon.
— I am fine! I grumble.
— You've been through a lot of trauma, and I know you're shaken, but you need to do more tests and also start taking the medication, okay? I nod my head in agreement. It doesn't take long, he leaves, and a nurse comes in, and I'm taken off the restraint. That's how I started my long journey to forget about my nightmare.
“Miss, as I was saying, you have to take it, and we're going to do more tests. You will also be accompanied by a psychologist.
“I don't need a psychologist,” I reply thickly, and my sister glares at me.
"Yes, she will, Doctor Leo!"
— Great, the nurse will bring the medication, and we'll do more tests soon.
— I am fine! I grumble.
— You've been through a lot of trauma, and I know you're shaken, but you need to do more tests and also start taking the medication, okay? I nod my head in agreement. It doesn't take long, he leaves, and a nurse comes in, and I'm taken off the restraint. That's how I started my long journey to forget about my nightmare.
— Dudaaaaaa! — I hear my sister call me and I am taken from the past. Then I go downstairs and see her all dressed up.
— Where are you going? I ask, curious.
"I'm going to work, have you forgotten?" she jokes. "And you have to go to class, and don't forget to come home soon."
She gives me a kiss and runs away like crazy. My sister loves and at the same time hates the job as Mr. Leon Vitorino's secretary. Honestly, I haven't met him yet, and I don't want to. My sister says the man is a hottie and I should get a boyfriend.
I have decided that I will never have a relationship with anyone. Fear still hits me when any man approaches. Even though I know it can't do me any harm, I'm still wary.
I take my backpack and go to the course, asking God once again to make me forget everything that happened to me. Is it too much to ask? I let out a long, sad sigh.