I woke up with the worst hangover, placing my hands over my head as I sat up in Belle's bed. After we got home the three of us collapsed in her king-sized bed.

I all but stumbled out of bed, heading to the bathroom to pee. I sat on the toilet and couldn't even begin to process what happened last night. I can't believe Jay! Selling me dreams when I'm around and then entertaining whores behind my back.

I'm sorry I even gave my virginity to him! Sorry I ever laid eyes on him in that restaurant. In all honesty seeing him with that other woman did hurt, but I tried not to think about it.

I made my way back to the bedroom, then rolled my eyes when my phone started to ring. It met groans and protests from both Juliet and Belle, and I hurried and ran out into the hall to answer it.

"Charlotte, you need to come home now, we need to register for you classes and sort out your dorm." Straight to the point, I thought to myself.

"Okay, Mom. I'm on my way."

~*~

"Honey, are you sure you want a roommate?" My Mom asked as we sat at the computer together registering to get me back into Yale. "I can easily arrange for you to have your own flat."

"Mom, please." I whined, rolling my eyes. "I don't need to spend my college years alone." I stated, remembering a time when I did. "I just want to be normal." I said.

At that, she rolled her eyes. "Charlotte, you're practically royalty, life for you will never be normal. You should be glad you're not like these other kids who have to apply for financial aid and take out loans."

I laughed sarcastically. "Of course, all the fools thinking they'll get ahead in a rigged game."

"Don't be ridiculous, honey. A fool could never get into Yale." She said nonchalantly, typing away on her phone.

"Right." I said sarcastically, picking out the classes she wanted me to take. "Only rich fools can."

This comment made her look up at me sternly, and I almost shrunk in my seat. "I don't hear you complaining about the rich when you're spending all of our money."

"I didn't mean it, Mom." I sighed, trying to change the subject. "Done. Can I go now?" I asked, desperately wanting to hide away in my room.

"Yes, but not to your room, your father wants to see you in his office." She sighed, and I rolled my eyes when I turned around. Great, I thought. From one parent to the next.

I gave a light tap on his door, then opened it up. "Hey, Dad, you wanted to see me?" I asked.

As soon as his eyes met mine, he lit up, striding over to his office window. "Yes, you want to play chess with me?" He asked, and I smiled softly while nodding my head.

My Father and I have been playing chess against each other since I were old enough to walk. He considered me a worthy opponent and he never just lets me win. I remember all those days after he got off, or before he went off to work. He always made time to play with me, and read to me. Always.

"Did you register for your classes?" He asked a little after the game started.

"Yeah." I said simply, biting my nails as I waited for his move.

"You picked out your dorm?" He asked, and I nodded courtly. "That's good." He grinned. "Are you excited for the fall?" He asked.

"Yes, sir." I lied. The only thing I was excited for, was to go back to my room and binge watch sappy romances in peace. I hadn't had time to process what happened between Jay and I. I don't even know if there is a Jay and I anymore. He hasn't called or texted, and I certainly wasn't reaching out to him.

"You seem distracted," my dad commented. "Are you thinking about what happened last semester?" He asked, and I held back the urge to roll my eyes.

"No." I said quickly, I was hoping that he wouldn't talk about it, but of course this was the opening.

"You know Charlotte, I do worry about you. I want you to be as happy as you can be." He said, shaking his head softly. Of course, he wants me happy but on his terms. "I want you to please tell me next time something like that happens. If you get any thoughts-" I cut him off before he could even finish.

"Dad. Please." I said simply, trying not to get annoyed. "You said you wouldn't do this."

"I know..." he trailed off after giving me one last worried look. "I'm sorry." I shook my head dismissively, and gestured for us to finish the game. "I'm glad you had fun with your friend."

I smiled softly at him, and shook my head. "Yeah, before I'm shipped off to New Haven in a few weeks." I laughed, making it seem like I was joking, but I wasn't. I hate Connecticut. It's so boring there.

"Well, you should work on your art until then." He encouraged.

"You know I will." I smiled.

"Your Mother and I are throwing you a going away dinner next weekend. You should go pick out something nice to wear. There will be a lot of people there."

"Okay, Dad."

After the chess match, I was finally able to go in my room and sulk in peace about not talking to Jay. As much as I hated to admit it to myself, I actually really liked him. It sucked that he didn't care to call me, I know what I did was bad but what he did was worse.

After I showered, I called my maid Salem into the room. I had nothing better to do, and the last thing I wanted to do was paint. I just wanted to lay in bed and die.

After a few knocks, Salem entered my room. "Did you want something, Charlotte?" She asked, closing my drapes.

"Can you have the culinary people bake me some cookies?" I asked her with a pout, and she nodded her head with a laugh.

"What's the matter, Charlotte?" She asked.

"I hate men." I pouted throwing myself back on the bed. "They're the worst."

"Finally found a more worthy adversary than your parents?" She joked.

"I thought he liked me," I said softly, staring down at my chest. "I thought he wanted to take me away from home."

Her eyes widened in shock, then she ran over to the intercom on my wall. "We're going to need milk and baked cookies up here, ASAP." I laughed slightly at her response. "It was that serious, huh?" She asked once she was by my side again.

"Yeah, and the crazy part is for a second I actually thought about letting him." I grabbed the remote to my flatscreen TV, and flicked through cheesy romantic comedies. Salem made herself comfortable in my huge, white fur circle chair.

"What went wrong?" She asked, genuinely concerned. I know Salem was my maid, but I actually considered her to be one of my dearest friends. She was only 6 years older than me, and started working for us when I was only fourteen years old. She was the only person I trusted in this house.

"I saw him with another girl." I told her, settling on watching 'Sweet Home Alabama'.

"Are you guys exclusive?" She asked, raising her thick eyebrow.

"Well, we haven't made it official. But that's only because I already have to sneak around enough as it is. My parents would kill me if they knew I was seeing someone." I placed my hands over my head, and sighed heavily.

"I know you agreed to not date until you graduate but I think it was really unlikely. You're twenty years old Charlotte." She sighed, and I rolled my eyes.

"Then why do I still feel fifteen?" I asked her.

"Probably because that's when all your trauma started to happen. You're probably just stuck where your mentality left off. And I say this from experience." She shrugged.

"I don't want to keep feeling like a child. I don't want to keep being controlled. I want to explore and enjoy my youth. I want to have a crazy, passionate, romance with a man I barely know in peace. And I don't want him to run off with some random girl just because he can't see me when he wants to."

"You think that's what happened? He wants to see you more?" Salem asked.

"What else could it be?" I asked her. "He's a grown man, unlike me. I couldn't expect him to wait around forever." I pouted, half looking at the movie.

"Well if he really cared about you to begin with, he would." I rolled my eyes at her, not wanting to hear it.

"It doesn't matter. It's over."

~*~

A week had already went by, and I still hadn't spoken to Jay. I guess we were both playing the game of who's going to reach out first. Or maybe he just moved on and didn't care. Whatever his reason was, I guess I won't know.

I found myself staring in the mirror of my vanity, as my hairdresser curled my hair for the party. I was going back to Yale in one more week, and the closer I got the more my heart dropped into my stomach.

My parents actually let me pick out my dress for the event, but I knew I still couldn't go full Charlotte. So I opted for an orange, pleated dress. I loved bright, and vibrant colors, and I loved expensive fabrics.

After my hair and makeup was done, I put in my diamond earrings, and made my way down to the car. The dinner would be hosted at 'Le Bernardin' instead of our home, and I really just wanted to get it over with.

Of course it's disguised as my party, but whatever my parents do always have some hidden agenda. I was just over it completely. No one knew that I was going through a heartbreak, and no one cared to ever ask me what I wanted.

I was quiet the whole ride there, and was silently hoping that Jay would show up and take me somewhere far away from here. Am I crazy for still wanting that? I swear if I had a do-over I would take him up on his offer; I wouldn't even hesitate. 

I couldn't help but stare at my phone, hoping to see his name pop up. Of course it never did, and I was more depressed than before. We pulled up to the restaurant, and I sighed heavily before practicing my fake smile.

"Are you ready, miss Charlotte?" My driver asked, and I shook my head.

"No. Just give me two minutes please." I replied, closing my eyes tight and holding my head back. I know that I was late, and I knew my parents would hate it. I didn't really want this party, and yet I feel guilty as if I've done something wrong.

What I'm most guilty of these days is a last line of defense: a tight fist hidden behind beautiful dresses. I come home and head straight for bed. My bedroom is as cold as fresh snow on the sidewalk. It does not glow well, and I want to be soft again but I can't remember how. I swallow sins like it's nothing. I treat people badly.

What I am most guilty of, is crying in the car for hours and then lying about it. Is feeling so awful that I can't move for days. It is the way I say sorry when I don't mean it. If someone asked if I was fine, I would lie and say yes. But I know, no one will ask.

When I speak my mind, I can't stand feeling so evil. I swallow words. I lie, and try to imagine a world where people need me. This isn't high school, so why does it feel like it? When my Mother is around, I pretend I'm doing okay. I stay up every night and I'm sick. I try to imagine a world where I show up wanted. When I wake up in the morning, the air feels tired and tart. My heart can't take anymore of it.

The words I speak don't sit right in my stomach. I pretend that I asked for this life. In the morning, I arch my back into a bridge so people can climb over it. I let my spine take lethal hits, and apologize for not breaking more cleanly. Apologize for crying inconveniently after they hit me.

But the truth is this: I am hurt, and I am lonely. What I am most guilty of is never coming home early.

I finally opened my eyes, and braced myself to lie to hundreds of people. I put on a bright smile and watched as the valet came to open my door. In my head I practiced what I was going to say to everyone as I stepped out of the car.

As I walked into the restaurant, I noticed that they rented it out, and it was only people that they knew. None of my friends, save for Juliet. Proof that this isn't about me. Still I smiled so brightly, and looked so happy. "This is so beautiful!" I grinned, hugging my Mother. Just like I practiced. "Thank you for doing this for me, Mom! I'm so happy to be here."

"I'm so happy you like it honey!" My Mother grinned. "You look so beautiful." She scanned my dress, then sat me down at a table reserved for me.

I disappeared into my head as soon as they started serving the drinks and food, and I would have stayed there too if I didn't notice a certain Hispanic woman sitting at the table over from me. I blinked a couple times, wondering if it's just my eyesight. I know I was tripping off shrooms, but there's no way I'm forgetting that face. And that's when I saw him. Jay. Even though he came to my party with someone else, I couldn't help but light up in his presence.

It's been a week since I spoke, or seen him. And I missed him so much. We haven't been seeing each other long, but he was already the highlight of my life.

My thoughts were interrupted by Juliet sitting next to me, and I looked at her slightly before looking back at Jay. "Is that your boyfriend?" She asked me, raising a brow. "I know he did not just bring that girl to your going away party. And I know she did not show up here after what happened to her last time." She snapped, glaring at them both.

"Juliet, please, my parents are here." I whispered to her, still smiling fakely.

"You better deal with these two." She whispered back to me, and I fought back the urge to roll my eyes at her.

"Please, excuse me, I have to use the restroom." I told my Mother who was on the other side of me.

"Okay honey." After being dismissed, I all but ran to the bathroom. Luckily, I was the only one in there so I took a moment to breathe and put down my poker face. I can't believe he brought her here!

I bent down over the bathroom sink, and looked at myself in the mirror. Is this my fault? Did I blow it with him forever? Did I really pass this up to be a slave to my parents' for the rest of my life?

My line of questioning was interrupted by someone coming into the bathroom. I stood up quickly, afraid that I was caught, but when I turned around, it was Jay. My face went from shocked, to pissed in a second, and I folded my arms across my chest when I noticed him lock the door.

"What are you doing here?" I asked him.

"I know this is the woman's restroom but-" I cut him off, rolling my eyes.

"No, I mean at my party! With that girl!" I yelled, pointing at the door like she was standing on the other side.

"Look, I needed to see if it was true okay." He sighed.

"So you bring her to MY party?" I asked, beginning to pace back and forth.

"How can you be upset?" He asked, now starting to get angry as well. "You're the one leaving for Connecticut." He spat, and I stopped in my tracks. I was really trying not to think about that. "You show up at a club that I don't even know you're allowed to be at, and have a problem with what I'm doing when you're never around. I get a bucket thrown on me, and then I don't hear from you anymore." He explained, making me pout and feel ashamed. "What was I supposed to think?" He asked me.

"So you just move on?" I asked him, hitting him with my handbag. "And then show up with her! Why did you even come here?"

"Because I wanted to see if you were really leaving!" He yelled, and I stared at him wide eyed. "Okay?" He said in a more softer tone. "And I guess this means you are." I sighed heavily, looking down at the marble floor.

"I don't have a choice..." I trailed off, suddenly feeling small in his presence.

"You do have a choice." He said. "You're just choosing not to make one."

"You think I like this?" I asked him, laughing hysterically. "I don't have any fucking money, Jay! My parents want it this way so I don't have a way out."

"I gave you a way out." He sighed, putting his hand in his suit pocket.

"Yeah?" I asked him. "And so I'm supposed to go from being their slave, to yours?" I asked him. "I don't think so."

"Fine." He said with a shrug. "Stay here. Go to New Haven. Do whatever you don't want. And have fun finding a man that's going to put up with this shit." I scoffed at him, placing my hands on my hip.

"Please," I spat. "You think I have a problem finding a man?" I asked him, standing up confidently. "Look at me." When I said that, I noticed his eyes look over my body, and I stood as close to him as I could. He bit his bottom lip, and for a second I debated fucking him right in this bathroom, but decided against it. "Have fun with your new whore." I said just a breath away from him.

I reached around him to unlock the door, and then walked around him to leave. I took one last glance at him, then made my way back to my seat. He thinks I can't find someone else? I'll show him.