…as I was born anew.

Now my journey in life will restart itself, a new chance has unlocked itself in front of my very eyes, now all I head to do was acknowledge this chance and use it to my advantage to change the outcome of the heavenly judicial court. 

I heaved a deep sigh mentally as I felt my body being lifted and carried away from my mother for examination.

…

The first 5 years of my life flew by fast. It felt like time was racing itself once again, I knew, I'd soon get to see him again but this time, not as a naughty 5-year-old but as a well-behaved one. I have never disobeyed my parents or acted mischievously, the way I used to back in my first life. I changed a lot from back then, many accidents and mischief created by little devilish me never occurred, and I made sure of that. Every single moment of my regressed life, I had been cautious about being a good person and only doing good deeds for the greater good, but this time I had to disobey my parents' orders to meet him. I need to disobey them and run away to meet Ciel. 

"Ciel, oh, how I've missed you."

I mumbled to myself. 

Since I was reincarnated into my own body and life, I have kept my memories to my previous attempt at living. 

Could you have even called my former life living? I was a bad guy. I remember that very well, I was a rude bully that picked on the weak to hide how weak I felt on the inside. I was constantly hiding, I always hid what I felt for him as well. I hid my true feelings by bullying him and abusing him. Thinking back, only now do I really come to realize what a terrible person I was. I don't know if I could ever make up for that, but if I can, if this regression of my own life gives me a chance to, I will make up for all my previous mistakes and regrets and turn them into favorable memories for me and everyone around me. I will prove to him, no, to myself that I can be a good person.

I was so deep in my own thoughts that I did not notice a small smile and tears forming in my eyes. What a weakling I am, so pathetic…

'Being good until now, huh, Michael?'

What was that? That sounded like the gatekeeper's voice but where was he? I looked around, the sudden swift movements made me quite dizzy as I had stood still before. 

'I'm not present and only you can hear me. It's your first time regressing or better reincarnating, isn't it?'

'Umm, yes, it is but… how can I hear you? This doesn't make any sense, am only I able to hear you? Can other people around me hear you too? How does this-'

'Shut it. Too many questions at once, you're giving me a headache, ya know?'

'Oh, sorry. You gave me a heart attack, I thought you wanted to take me back and bring me straight to hell, ya know?'

'So first of all, only you can hear me. Second of all, this is called telepathy, you dumbass.'

'Rude.'

'I can hear you, you know?'

Shoot. I nearly forgot that…but can you hear everything I think? Like every single thought?

'Yes, so stop obesssing over your "Ciel". I cannot hear your dirty ass thoughts anymore. It is driving me nuts!'

I blushed at his statement and cleared my throat, facing the ground in embarrassment, clenching my fists together in tight balls. I couldn't believe that all those years, he heard me drool over Ciel and shower his name with love and affection. It was quite embarrassing to think about the fact that he heard all my lewd thoughts…How genuinely nice of him to tell me now after 5 years, couldn't he have told me this earlier?

'Why do you plan on disobeying your parents?' Huh? 

'Earlier you said something about disobeying them to meet Ciel for the first time.'

Ah, yeah, I met Ciel by running away from my house after a big fight with my mom.

'You were a naughty kid, ya know?'

Yes, I know but I tried my best to change and behave well in those 5 years, I changed my behaviour to the opposite of how I used to act, I think it worked out quite well.

'You did succeed, looking back at your old records, there is a remarkable difference in behavior and attitude. This also caused your parents to treat you differently, didn't it?'

Yes, you're right there, my parents are quite… nice? Yeah, you could call it nice. 

Now that I'm starting to recall old memories of my childhood. I do remember them being more abusive to me in a lot of ways, especially in their punishments. 

'That's true, I always keep my eyes on all interesting beings as a gatekeeper, and since the day you were born, you have been very very interesting and unique, in my opinion.' 

I chuckled at his statement, remembering all these terrible memories of my parents. I shouldn't have recalled them, I repressed them so much to try and forget them as I aged, I suppressed them ever coming to the surface but now they are racing through my mind, burning traces into old scars within my memory. The traces that those memories left reopened old scars, cutting through them like a million of sharp knives, I felt my breathing fasten, it felt suffocating here even though I was outside. The air was suffocating me, no matter how much air I consumed in each breath, it felt like it wasn't enough, I felt like I couldn't breath, like the air had no oxygen, like everything necessary within the air was amiss. 

My surroundings started to shift, they looked wonky as my vision started to blur. The memories I recalled blurred my vision, showing me the punishments anew. 

The basement.

The bedroom. 

"Mop the floor, useless slut."

Shut up. This is all in the past, nothing…no…this is in the present…

"Open your legs."

"No one will ever love you with that dirty filth you call your body."

'HEY! CALM DOWN, TAKE DEEP STEADY BREATHS!'

His shout brought me back to reality. Only now, did I realize how badly my whole body was shaking and how I was gasping for air. It felt so suffocating…I felt so suffocated, everything around me felt so claustrophobic, like the walls, no, my surroundings are closing in on me, trying to choke me to death and crush me slowly while I scream for forgiveness and help. The air felt like it had no oxygen, and time felt like it was standing still. Why did I start panicking like this? 

When did I start crying? I wondered as I felt hot tears run down my cheeks, falling to the ground, bound to shatter there. My tears shattered like my body did as I had ended my first attempt at life on the rooftop…on your birthday, Ciel…I couldn't heal the hole you left in my heart no matter how hard I tried…

'Are you ok, kid? Do you need anything?'

He sounded oddly concerned for me, not as cocky and annoyed as usual, he sounded rather caring, and…his voice sounded warm…How pathetic…Even a servant of heaven, the gatekeeper stuck in between heaven and hell, felt bad for me. He pities me, he looks down on me…

I'm alright…

'Are you sure? You started trembling like ass, I thought you had a heart attack…I got a little worried for a minute…"

His voice started to fade and quiet down at the end of his sentence. I smiled a bit through my tears as I started to reconstruct my posture that had broken down as these memories flooded my head. I was sitting on the ground, knees bent to secure my head. I must've looked like a pathetic little piece of shit. 

I took another deep breath, closing my eyes while facing up to the sky. The bright sun rays tickled my skin while blinding my already closed eyes. I sighed again and let the sun warm up my shaken body. 

I'm sorry, I just got overwhelmed with the flashbacks that flooded my mind. I'm fine now.

'Are you sure?'

Yes, I am.

'Okay, stay safe when meeting your little lover. I'll be going back to my duties now.'

Okay. See ya. 

I heard a chuckle before it became silent again. I heaved a sigh finally opening my eyes before jumping over the backyard fence. I climbed over it in a swift motion before looking around again to orientate myself with my current surroundings. I don't completely remember where I went that day, my memory was blurry because of how furious I was. I just stomped away from my house and ran in any direction, staring at the ground cursing at my mother's judgment and behavior. Oh, how stupid little me was, it was kinda funny. I chuckled at my own memories as I followed the path going deep into the forest, I could feel my pace speeding up. I didn't start running consciously which made me feel sure about my instinct. I was following the right way to see him again.
The closer I got to the place where we met, the faster I ran. I was chasing my own past. The past I want to change, the past I want to forget.

"Hahahaha! This is so much fun!"


Ciel!

I started sprinting at my limit and ran as if my life had depended on it. His voice, it must be him, I would have bet my life on it!

"Sorry, Ciel but we have to go back now."

"But-"

"No buts, we can come again tomorrow."

No! Please don't leave! I just want to see you again. Just once, just one last time! Please, I'm begging you, please don't leave! Don't leave, Ciel!

"Ciel!"

I called out as I saw his beautiful blueish black hair, it had a blueish tint when the sunlight had shown on it. Even now, in this state, he did look gorgeous! I couldn't let him leave like that! No, not like this and not now!

Ciel turned around after hearing me shout his name, I was so far away but he still heard me. He looked around with a confused expression as I heard his dad say:

"Come on, Mommy's waiting for us."

"Okay, Daddy!"

Ciel answered, hoping after his dad who took a hold of his hand. His father gently led him away from the cliff as they watched the sunset. The sky did look mesmerizing. It had a purple base with a lot of hot pink and red tints, the clouds were as white as snow but blended in with the sky, creating a perfect gradient spectrum of colors. But no matter how beautiful the sky looked, it couldn't compete with that look in your eyes, the look in your eyes the day the stars fell…

If I had just been faster, I wouldn't have missed him…


"Fuck, fuck, fuck…"

I cursed while hitting a tree on my left in frustration, staring at the ground with nothing but regret and anger at my own weakness. 

'Are you alright, Michael?'

The gatekeeper's voice asked me. Great, now he's back. 

'Aye, I'm just trying to help you, you know?'

'Help me? How nice of you.'

'Don't get sarcastic with me now, will ya?'

I clicked my tongue at him and looked at my hand that was throbbing and stinging from hitting a mere tree. My body's the problem! Now that I think about it, my previous body was way stronger and tougher! A mere tree would have never stung that badly when I hit it! That's it! I have to improve my physique! Not only my mind and behavior but also my physique! 


'Are you okay? Did you hit your head or something?'

'Yes, I am fine, I also didn't hit my head, you dumb shit!'

'Who're you calling a dumb shit, you dumbass!'

'You obviously! Who else could I mean?'

'Hmpf!'

A pout, seriously? Seems like you aren't as old as you try to behave as.

'When I died I was 20, I'm still older than you!'

'Now, this sounds really childish, it seems like you are mentally younger than me!'

'Excuse you, you rude brick!'

I couldn't help but smile, it did feel good to talk to someone like him. I heaved a sigh, rubbing my right thumb over my slightly swollen hand and was about to take my leave as suddenly a strong wind caught up to me. The wind got sucked in one particular spot that formed a black hole that sucked everything. It only caused a huge wind, it looked like a tornado but turned to the side, it looked like a portal. What was that?

Suddenly the a huge ray of light came out of that hole, its brightness easily blinded me, I held my arms up for protection and closed my eyes, turning my head away. I didn't know what was happening but that hole, it felt so mesmerizing…

I didn't know what came over me but my body started moving closer to it, the closer I got the more it started to suck me in. My clothes started to tear and rip from the strong suction that came from within the hole. 

Soon, I stood right in front of it, awaiting what will happen to me now that I stood on the edge of the cliff face to face with a heavenly phenomenon. 

"Michael…"

Ciel? Ciel is that you? 

"Help me Michael…"

He needs help? What is happening? Ciel? Ciel, where are you?


"I'm here Michael, come to me…"

The voice coming out of the hole demanded. It was clearly Ciel's voice but why was I scared to enter? What held me back? Ciel, he was right in front of me! I want to see him, I want to hold him, I want to hold him close to me and never let go again. I reached out until my right hand had touched the source of Ciel's voice but as soon as I did, everything around me darkened, my surroundings vanished and all that was left around me was nothing but darkness and emptiness. It was silent, completely silent, where was I? What has happened to me?

"Ciel, where are you?"