Drizzle of Cries

Prologue

I’ve been always curious of the cycle of life; reasons on why and how it works, destiny and human choice, life and death, truth and lies, and chances and such. I have been engrossed with them when I almost lost my chance to fulfill my innermost desires and most private dreams. My experiences in this lifetime, at a young age, taught me to live life to the fullest, without any regrets.

The world moves in a strange and inimitable manner; life goes on amidst the chaos and unfairness that it entails. You live, and then neither anyone of us has an idea when death will take our lives. You meet people; love them with all of your heart, only to be broken in end. You follow your dreams; fueled by a strong passion to achieve them, but you’ll either get played with luck or mischance.

And like most people would say, life is cruel and unfair. You never know what life will give you—what your true destiny is—the reasons behind anything. And I want to spend my life looking for it, this life of mine, taught me to never expect anything and that enjoy every second of the day being happy.

It was my philosophy in life. Being sick and stuck on the hospital for a long time, I almost lost my chance in this existence, and then I realized I don’t have any time to waste another moment anymore. I should be doing something right now—follow my dreams, maybe—or learn a new hobby and the likes. Right.

Lost in daze of my trance of thoughts, I didn’t realize that I added a different color on my painting. I almost shriek in shock when I saw the odd looking tint of the original palette I planned earlier. The aesthetic rosy pastel motif of my painting of the sky turned distressed when combined with the mistake touch of black.

Black, most of us constructed this color with death, and we got used on this assembled implication of colors—followed the norm and continued life carrying the roles, social construct, and meanings that created by men to spice up life. It was a passing thought of mine before. But as I grew up, it remained on my mind and I thought of this over and over again as I fell in love with life’s everything,

I stared at my painting, the black really stood out from the shades of pink and coral skies. My heart ached on my mistake. In deep thought of how to save it, my mind went daze once again when I thought of my favorite colors. When I was young, it was always been pink. I adored the positive vibe it brings and I always feel light every time I see the color. It helped me ease up my burden before. But right now, I became uncertain with my favorites.

Change, huh. It was nature of human evolution—to change in everything, in any and every aspect of life. I also believed on it, held onto it, and worshiped it even— that change is the only constant thing in the world. It is natural for people to change. And even more natural for nature to change. But sometimes, I thought that we change because it’s necessary—because we should be—on any life circumstances.

The sudden drop of rain made my pouring thoughts that flowed what seems endlessly stop. And I shifted my focus on my canvass to the window, tearing with drops of rain. Like people, seasons change too. I stared and listened to cries of the rain, completely forgetting my painting and my inconsistent thoughts of everything.

I didn’t know how long I was in perplexity until I saw a wave of palm on my eyes, it was from my Mother. I turned my gaze on her and put on my usual pleasing smile to ease her worries. Mom curiously took a look from the drenched window then back at me. She had this inquiring look on her face masked with concern. “What’s happening?”

“I’m okay, Mom.” It was the words that I thought first, and it’s true.

She hummed in response then added. “I’m just here to check on you. Did you drink your medicine, already?”

I consider this life my second chance for existence. I got in a fatal accident when I was young, probably in 7 or 8 years old. I didn’t have any memories after that anymore. I lost everything of my memoirs when I was in that age and I couldn’t remember any names and moments after I woke up from 2 years coma. And I admit, I didn’t feel any remorse on that reality, I was young after all. I can still grow and meet new people rather than cry over my childhood memories.

Moving forward, I continued my life in New Zealand, got home schooled in my elementary and middle school years. It was in high school when my Mom decided to enroll me in an institution. Life was great, I believe. I didn’t have any worries with my second chance. But on moments like this, where I stare on the window with drops of tears as I listen to the crying rain—I can’t help but to think of this chance again.

Everything feels okay, yet at same time, it’s not. It was one of those short-lived states of mind in my everyday routine. And now, even in 16, I still feel those moments. Maybe, it was because I have tons of missing pieces of me on my previous life—God, that sounded so wrong.

But on the contrary, I know this is my second life.

I just don’t get on why I have to indulge myself on my past memories that I couldn’t even remember anymore—like no chance at all. I am definitely fine with my life right now. Because everything so far in my life made me realize several things, I know there’s no use of going back and hoping for my memories to come back. Life goes on, so we should too. We shouldn’t waste our life’s chances. So, I choose to move forward.

Back on reality, I stared on my painting again. And I decided to change the original bright palette with darker tones, correcting my mistake as I try to connect and vibe with today’s weather; glum and crying.

I looked up, only to be welcomed with grey skies. School is over but I’m still here to comply for my lacking records. I got sick last week, my headache occurred again and I couldn’t submit my requirements on time. I was really fortunate that my teachers were kind enough that they gave me another deadline.

After spending several years and living my life abroad, my Mom finally decided to go home in the Philippines when she noticed I’m already okay. I was fine with that decision, because a part of me wants to come back to where I first lived, to where I first had my memories.

Right now, I’m waiting for my partner in research to change in his corporate attire for our defense of our research proposal. I can’t help but to feel really grateful for my friend, my teachers and the chances they gave. And I realized it’s because of life, too, or maybe destiny, I don’t know. But still, it’s nice to know that life is with me to give me more chances to start again.

Dex went out of the boys’ restroom after several minutes. I scanned his overall look and noticed something missing. He was wearing a flushed pink long sleeves polo partnered with the senior high school boy’s uniform black slacks. Then I asked. “You don’t have a necktie?”

He slightly scratched his head with my remark, feeling embarrassed. “I’m sorry, Chel. I forgot. I didn’t expect that we’ll have it today. I wasn’t able to prepare properly.”

“Oh no, I’m sorry!” I apologized when I heard his reason. I know it’s my fault, too. And I’m really grateful that he chose to be stuck with me and plus, he waited for me. Feeling guilty, I decided. “I-I’ll be the one to find necktie for you!”

I ran as swift as possible even when I had no idea where to find one and even when I was having a hard time running because of my short pencil skirt. I heard Dex’s shout, calling my name but I didn’t mind. I prioritized the looking for a solution, a possible way or anything that I can do right now. I am so ashamed to Dex! And I don’t want to add fuel to the fire from the panelists! Dex already waited for me, and I still couldn’t find a way to help him? We were already given another chance, and my partner’s attire isn’t even proper? The least I could do is to help and prevent something that could result to our failure.

My step found its way to our school’s sports area. I heard the squeaks of shoes in the gym and the loud thump of ball from force. The place is unfamiliar to me, I wasn’t introduced to this surroundings. But in the first place, I had no activities here. I was never the sporty type and I have no one to visit to. I roamed my eyes to scan the area, and my gaze was stuck on the 2-storey building on the side of the large field.

And then suddenly, a man came out of the room from the second floor. He looked down from the railings and shock was evident on his face when he saw me below. I felt shivers, and I chose to think that it was because of the sudden shift of wind and it danced all over me.

The cold blow of breeze messed my neatly tucked hair. I immediately held onto it, preventing to ruin my look for later. But the wind was persistent and it also embraced my senses, I shuddered from the cold once again. I almost forgot that I was wearing a short pencil skirt.

He went down and his eyes were stuck on me. I got drowned with his heavy gaze that I almost forgot why I am here in the first place. And it was like from my previous lucks in life when I realized why fate brought me here. I saw a familiar piece of cloth from his upper limb, almost hidden from my sight because of the pile of clothes on his arm.

It was as if my voice had disappeared when I noticed that he kept walking, clearly ignoring me even though my face screamed plea and a need for him. I tightly shut my eyes from embarrassment. But I remembered my chances in life.

“A-Axel!” I called, and he stopped. His turned his back to face me, and I almost forgot the words I should say. “U-Uh…” I took small several steps nearer.

With his left arm occupied with his clothes and his right held his belongings, he still acknowledged my call. And when we were just a few inches away from each other, I forgot what I was about to do. I scented his virile perfume that attacked my sense of smell, it was addicting though. He looked fresh from bath too as he sported his wet hair topped with a towel and he wore a simple shirt and shorts. It was like he had just finished his training and recently cleaned himself.

“Yes?” He asked curiously and he caught my gaze on his stuffs. “How can I help you?” He added. I swallowed the lump in my throat that edged me while I continued thinking of the clothes on his arm.

“You’re staring on my clothes…” He mumbled.

It was as if I was cut with my trance of thoughts by what he said. I quickly moved my arms then animatedly waved to deny it, even though it was true. “It’s not like that!”

I. Am. So. Awkward.

An uncomfortable silence enveloped between the both of us as I tried to search for the voice inside me but I failed miserably. I couldn’t let out the words I wanted to say, and my eyes were stuck on his—then I realized, his eyes looks nice.

We were so close to each other. I am close enough to him that I was able to see how remarkable his eyes are—so close enough that I feel that no one had ever gets to be this close to him and realize how crystal his amber eyes are.

Then, the sudden loud and strong tug of my heart made me come back on my senses. I shifted my gaze on nothing particular, having the urge to pull the strands of my hair on my foolishness. He seems to realize how awkward the situation was when he also looked on where I gazed.

It was nothing; I just stared on the largest tree in the campus just to calm myself down. But when he did the same, it seems like I was back right from the very start where I was oblivious to control my flustered system.

“Uh?” He mumbled once again, unsure of what to do or what to say in our situation. I came back to my senses when I heard his voice. I looked at him and saw how confused he looks right now.

“Can I…” I started and I felt my system panicked once again when I saw how he waited for me to complete my words. I am so sure I look really pale, right now! “…borrow your necktie?”

Sometimes, I don't know the plan of life for me in these situations. But in reality, Fate and the people around me had sacrificed so much for my own sake. Life gave me a lot of chances. Destiny twisted some of my fates. People sacrificed themselves—everything and everyone did it—just for my sake.

And I’m beyond grateful for it. No words could ever describe how thankful I am for the luck and grace given by everyone for me. Everything made me realized how blessed I am for my second chance in life.

I got distracted a bit and my eyes shot a look on the window. The skies are turning grey and the atmosphere turns cold every minute that passes, probably because of the AC or the approaching fall.

“This is great, I must admit.” I heard my teacher said. My attention turned to her. “But I think, it’s better if you look up to Carl Jung, rather than choosing Feud’s.” She added.

Our defense immediately ended, maybe because it’s still a proposal after all. And our panelists were our teachers and they’re really kind. Then I thought, maybe this is one of life’s gifts for me. Why am I so lucky in this life?

As I held Axel’s necktie tightly on my left palm, I walked the distance to the sports area of our university. The night is slowly crawling and it seems like the dark gloomy clouds wandering will release their laments and cry any moment by now. I immediately hurried my steps and looked for his familiar posture and muscular body stance.

When I arrived, I instantly saw him. He sat down on the large roots of the tree that I pointed earlier with chin on the palms of the hand. He seemed bored and impatient from the look on his face and he just stared on nothingness.

I marched my way nearer to him. My little steps were inevitable when he still noticed my small movements. He maintained a straight face when he looked at me. But there’s something on his eyes when he waited for me. I sensed indifference from it.

He slowly stood up when he noticed that I was drawing close to him. And I didn’t noticed that I was clutching his tie tightly if it weren’t for the ghost smile sketched on his lips as he looked into my palm.

“Uh sorry, I mean, thank you.” I sighed as I handed him his tie with my shaking hands. I almost ran away when I heard his light quiet laughter. “Sorry! I mean, thank you!” I repeated.

“What do you really want to say?” He looks amused with my state. And when his fingers lightly touched my palm, my fur stood up. I was stunned for moments and I was lucky enough to receive no reactions from him. He didn’t notice it, or maybe he chose to not pay attention.

He hid his tie inside his black large duffel bag of a familiar famous brand, only now did I notice that his clothes on his arms were gone. I remained silent, watching his precise and gentle movements. After a few minutes, he was finished with arranging his things and once again, we were surrounded by silence.

“I’ll get going.” He mumbled and I couldn’t move from my position. I wasn’t able to grasp, understand or hear what he said but I was several steps late when I did. He already drew a far distance of meters from me. And I wasn’t able to mutter my thanks properly.

I ran to him, even when I was having a hard time catching up on him because of my little steps from heels and tight short pencil skirt. And just when I was about to decide that I should exert more effort to catch up with him—the sudden fall of rain surrounded the area—leaving me drenched with its cries.

I stopped from tracks and saw my reflection in the downpour. My image on the flood was unclear, but I was certain that I look like a mess right now. The cold treks of rain on my body found its way on my senses, and I felt colder than usual. My lips shivered from the contact of breeze and the drops. I looked back to where the man, Axel, was and then realized that he wasn’t there anymore, not even a glimpse of his shadow.

Not minding my current state, I walked away and maundered my way to the opposite side. And I neglected the cries of the sky; the coldness of tears and laments that gave to my mixed nameless emotions to my becoming miserable soul.

Looking back, I realized that I haven’t learned…even right on this very moment of my present.