There were things in my life I didn’t want to remember. Not even the good memories I had with my parents. Sometimes the bad things does become heavier than the good ones and remembering the good memories bring back all the hurt, the anger, everything. It feels as if you were forcefully made to watch everything that went wrong infront of you.

You scream and you scream so much for the wrongs to become right but it doesn’t. it never does. You just endure it either by screaming and waking up from the nightmare or just open your eyes in the darkness while feeling nothing. 

I felt nothing.

I don’t usually feel anything when I wake up from nightmares. There's this hollow void inside my heart, making me feel so empty. Nightmares I have been having since I ran away from my parents. I never told anyone about it. I guess these nightmare are personal to me. Something that is mine to deal with, no one can understand how to deal with it. I woke up from a nightmare where I saw my brother smiling. He looked so handsome smiling like he had years to live for. Like nothing could ever go wrong but in the next moment, he was howling from pain and so much blood. So much pain, so much howling, so much cries and so much crimson the ground turned red. It was pure agony, pure torture. I never clearly see these nightmares. Just snippets of them. I didn’t even know if these were nightmares anymore. It feels like something I have seen with my own eyes.

Something that makes my heart hurt so much it starts beating agonizingly slow. Too slow and it hurt, like your heart is trying to crawl towards its next breath with so much weight on it. 

I laid there, awake. After what the doctor told me, I just wanted a bit of a time to stand on a solid ground. I was exhausted, emotionally, mentally and physically. This news that I must have endured an accident I never knew of, made me rethink every moment that I remember. I had asked the doctor to tell me the next day and had told everyone to go back. They all left with many threatening on my part. The hospital room was silent, with only a clock ticking on the wall. A slow wind blew, distantly I could hear the dogs barking. Kind of weird for me to notice things like that but this was how I lulled myself back to sleep.

I was about to go back to sleep when the door of my room slid open. A tall silhouette walked inside, casting a dark shadow. There was something so similar about the shadow that I didn’t even scream. I just felt safe, and it had been so long since I felt safe at night. For the first time in a long long time, I senses were calm. 

“Who are you?” I whispered, I didn’t want to disturb the calmness of the night.

“Someone you knew a long time ago,” a husky voice replied, while walking to the wall across from my bed, leaning towards the wall, the darkness concealed his identity. The softness of the moonlight gave me enough light to see his body and height but nothing more. 

“How would I have known you? Who really are you? And why were you there when I was bought to the hospital?” I asked. I knew this was not the first time I have been in his company. His voice, his scent, a smooth musky earthy scent that was making my emotions go haywire.

I knew this man yet I don’t know him.

His face jerked upwards and I knew he was looking directly at me. 

“You heard me.” it wasn’t a question, just a statement. 

I didn’t say anything, just kept my eyes towards him, watching his every movement just like how he was watching mine. My unconsious was memorizing him, imprinting his presence as if I somehow knew meeting him like this again wouldn't happen again.

“I wish  I didn’t have to meet you in the shadows, watch you from afar. I wish I could hold you close to myself right now. I wish it wasn’t like this.” he rasped out, his voice so full of agony, I felt the pain.

“So why is it like this?” every part in my body, every cell was screaming for me to go towards him. My heart was yearning for him and his warmth and for the life of me I didn’t know why.

“It can’t.” words said with dejection. 

“Than don’t complain about the consequences of the choices you made.” I argued. 

Suddenly the room felt cold. The warmth I felt from his voice disappeared and turned to freezing coldness that almost made me shiver, almost.

“I am bearing the consequences of the choice I didn’t make. I am away from you not because I want to, believe me I fucking want you in my life more than I want life itself but I can’t. This isn’t my choice, none of them are. Your brother made our choices long ago, love.”

“Everyone makes choice. The choice to accept someone else’s consequences is your own choice as well so don’t blame my brother for whatever he did. I don’t know who you are, I never even saw you, but what I know is you are as much responsible for the consequences as my brother. So face it.”

All I could do was stare at him or rather his shadow. There was silence again, none of us saying anything, just our breaths audible.

With a sigh he made his way towards the door but before he could go, he uttered, “Don’t contact James anymore and don’t take that catering order. Just..just live your life the way it is.” and with that he walked out of my room and I knew it wasn’t the first time he had walked out on me.

It had happened before and now I wanted to know why.