“Neil? Man how long will you keep that chastity belt on? Come on its been ages since you last came to the bar. The girls been dying for you. Come by today, people are starting to talk. Some are even saying you have gone gay….” Sebastian kept running his mouth and I stopped listening to him a while ago. 

Nothing is going my way. Everything irritates the fuck out of me. Since the day I met Scarlet again after all those years, fuck fucking fuck, I can’t believe I met her even when I vowed I wouldn’t. God damn it, she smelled so fucking sweet, like frosting and pastries and I wanted to keep burying my nose in her scent but I couldn’t. The history that broke us still binded us in ways I could never get out from. How does someone forgive themselves of tearing the hearts of their lover? How does one justifies the hands that is stained with blood of loss? How can I ever, fucking ever forgive myself first? 

I can’t. 

I feel like there’s a bomb waiting to detonate. I really need to fucking get out of here, this too big house for a single guy. Its suffocating me, making me feel this loneliness that I have been running away from. I feel myself swaying, making me lose my concentration. My palms are sweaty, my breaths are slowing down. Fuck these panic attacks. Fucking fuck.

“WHY THE FUCK YOU STOPPED TALKING. YOU IGNORING ME AGAIN?” Sebastian’s voice rang through my mind. I concentrated on the music in the background. Sway was playing, I knew that song. I used to play it and imagine Scarlet in my arms while dancing through it. The song, the noise, Sebastian voice calmed me down. The lid stayed sealed on my panic attack. Fuck it started again.

“ARE YOU FUCKING LISTENING TO ME? YOU DIPSHIT!” Sebastian’s scream revived me out of my panic attack. Son of a bitch I still get these episodes.

“FUCK OFF. YOU FUCKING KNOW WHY I DON’T GO TO BARS FREQUENTLY.” a sigh left my chest. My breathing coming out in puffs a bit easier now.

“Want me to come?” there was sudden quietness from his side and sounds of rustling. This fucker was already moving.

“No need. I am coming to the bar. I need a damn strong drink.” I heaved a long breath, drank glassful of water and grabbed my leather jacket and my keys.

I need to get out of here.

“You sure?” Sebastian asked. 

“Stop treating me like a pussy, dumb ass.”  he chuckled. Fuck him.

“Alright, get your ass here.”

“On my way.” with that I made started the engine of my bike, an Ecosse Founder and flew off into the horizon to forget about Scarlet. 

Reaching the club, the first thing I did was get my self a drink, a glass of Bowmore 1957 Scotch whisky, Before I could greet Sebastian and the guys at the table, I was whisked away by Nero, the most wanted girl in the bar with the sweetest face and devilish intentions. This girl literally had waiting lists from the guys who wanting to spend the night with her but she always come to me whenever I came to the bar.

“You came. Must’ve been stressful. Lets go.” Her broken English was always cute. She was half Japanese and half American. She was beautiful, with mysterious aura and sweet smiles but eyes, eyes so so wise it had people wanting to spill everything infront of her. Even though she was a small women, with narrow waist, perky ass and pert bosom, she had people waiting to be entertained.

“Lead the way.” I followed her to the room I have under my name.

“I want you to make me forget again.” the door closed, with me being pressed against it and her, holding my neck tightly, legs around my waist in an instant. 

All I could see was a girl, crying, tears ruining her beautiful makeup and hiccups taking over her body, asking me to make her forget. Forget about things that she never talked about. 

 Holding her petite body close to me, without saying a word, I threw her on the bed. Taking my shirt off, I hovered over her and kissed her body, worshiping her with my mouth , touching her with loneliness and longing burning in my own veins.

This was what we did. I would make her feel like a precious doll and she would make me feel like I was needed, that I deserve some kind of love even after everything I ever did. We were all fucked up, one way or another and we needed something to be high on. Nero was the distraction I needed and I was the distraction she needed. We never fucked, just conveyed our desperation through our mouths and hands. 

Fuck this loneliness and disparity that just wouldn’t go away.

I didn’t need Nero. I didn’t need anyone.

I wanted Scarlet. There’s this bloodlust in me, to posses her, to have her in my arms again, to be able to hold her again. I want her in my life again, I want her sweet smiles and giggles again. I want this fucking life to have a meaning again. She was the meaning I needed. The void in my chest keeps getting deeper and deeper and  only she, my star, can fill it. I can’t fucking go on like this anymore. Who would’ve thought, the stoic Neil Alvarez would be this helpless in reality, to have everything yet nothing that has a meaning in his life, to feel like nothing could ever make him feel alive anymore. 

My loneliness, my guilt wouldn’t let me live anymore. This poison only has one antidote, Scarlet Morris and I can’t even fucking tell her that. 

I need her. I need her like my last breath. I needed her so much but I can’t fucking have her. 

I can’t have her and I don’t know how long can I control this need anymore.

Fuck I don’t know.