1.

I was in love. I swear I was. You know how you know you're in love? When you can't stop thinking about the word love. I loved Ricky, Goddamn I loved Ricky. It's been two months since I sat with her at lunch and honestly, I couldn't believe how I hadn't done that sooner. How I thought that such a sweet and pure soul like her could be anything less than what she truly was. I loved her, I really, really did. I couldn't believe that I was sitting up at midnight thinking about her but I was. I never stopped. My phone buzzed on the nightstand next to my bed and her named popped up. It was a phone call but as soon as I answered the line went dead. I heard the rain pelting my roof as my phone vibrated again, but again when I answered she hung up. I pulled on my sweats and a hoodie, tugging on my tennis shoes and walking out of my room. Sneaking down the stairs, I dug my hands into the pocket of my hoodie making sure I had the keys to my truck just as I opened the front door. But I stopped as soon as I got outside. I saw her white Volkswagen parked on my curb with the lights out. I walked down my driveway, getting drenched in the process, as I made my way to her car, opening up the passenger door. We didn't talk for a while. In fact, we just sat in silence. I don't know what scared me the most. The fact that she called me in the middle of the night, or the fact that she hasn't said a word to me for the past thirty minutes. "Ricky?" I whispered; I lifted my hand to tuck her hair behind her ear. "Talk to me, please." I could hear the desperation in my voice and I know she heard it too because as soon as I finished my sentence she pulled me as close as she could and began to sob. They were heavy, and frantic and her hands were gripping my broad shoulders as if she would float away if she let go. Even if she did, my grip on her wouldn't loosen. I wasn't going anywhere. I had nowhere to go, nowhere to be other than with her at that moment. "Ricky, please." I said into her hair, my hold on her tight. "Tell me what's going on."

"He's... –– fuck, he's gone." She cried out, a loud scream leaving her after the words came out. That only made me hold her tighter. Her father was overseas and had been for two years. He was supposed to come home in May, and I knew she was excited about it but now she'd never see him again. I couldn't imagine how that felt so I didn't say anything. I just let her scream, push her way out of my arms just to pull me back and then she grew silent. She grew so quiet that after an hour I thought she fell asleep. I moved a bit and she just grabbed my arm, keeping me still. "Don't leave me. I don't want to be alone."

I wanted to tell her that I could never leave her even if I wanted to. That I would never let her go if she didn't want me to and that I'd always be there, even if over time she drifted away but all I said was, "Okay."

"Can I come inside?" she asked.

I thought long and hard over this. My parents left way before I did in the morning, my father being a pilot wasn't even home for the week and my mom ran her own business on the other side of town. The only person that had a chance in truly catching me was my sister, Cecil, but she was pretty loyal in not telling my parents when I screwed up, so I just nodded and opened up my door. The rain had become lighter as we had sat there and I held onto her hand as we walked up my driveway. She wiped her feet at the front door before following me quietly up the steps toward my room. I rid myself of my wet clothes, tossing them into the corner of my room along with my soaked sneakers. I was only in my boxers but I was way too tired to think about how awkward that could've been for her. I was laid out on my bed, so close to sleep before I heard a zipper and looked in her direction, watching her peel her wet jeans off her body. I inwardly groaned. I should've looked away I knew it. I knew that I shouldn't have watched her take her clothes off and give me an image to what was under those clothes of hers but I did. I'll remember the black lingerie she had on and I knew they would be the star of many of my fantasies even after this night was over. Ricky climbed into bed with me, her cold, damp skin sliding against mine for warmth; a shiver ran down my spine. I felt her fingertips ghost against my abs; I had to take a deep breath and count to ten at the contact. You would think I was some premature thirteen year old, watching porn for the first time with the way I was reacting to her touch. It wasn't until I felt her lips press against my skin, where I looked down at her. Even through the darkness of my room, I could still see those beautiful eyes I had began to love. Propping herself up, her long wavy hair hang over her shoulder, then cascaded over my chest as her lips pressed against mine. It didn't take me but a second for me to react, grabbing the hair at the nape of her neck and kissing her back just as fierce as I could. She tasted like vanilla and strawberries and something I couldn't quite put my hands on. My mind was racing a mile a minute and the second I felt her legs straddle me I pulled back. "Ricky," I groaned quietly, careful not to be too loud.

"Touch me Trevor." Her voice was so soft, so desperate. I almost wanted to give into her, to submit but I couldn't.

I just grabbed ahold of her face softly, "I can't Ricky. I can't do that to you when you're so soft... so vulnerable. I don't want it this way. I don't want it if you don't." I watched her lip quiver, and her eyes grow wet again as she buried her face in my neck and silently cried herself to sleep.

When I woke in the morning there wasn't a trace of her, which almost made me think that this was all just a dream. If it weren't for the fact that my clothes were still damp and my shoes were a little muddy I wouldn't have believed myself. I wish that night had gone differently. I wish that I said all the things that I didn't.

I also wish she would've said goodbye.