SHE WAKES UP AFTER SLEEPING for three hours once she got back home from Castiel’s. They had spent an hour of the early, dark morning talking in the kitchen. She found out that his favourite movie is actually The Shining, despite it not being on his shirt and not being directed by Quentin Tarantino. Castiel strictly only sings Pink Floyd when he’s showering and he likes using loofahs because he feels like he’s getting his body exfoliated each time. He also likes to bike around but since he lives in LA now, he can’t bike everywhere he needs to go.

But it’s a new day and today, it’s been five years.

She remembers it like it was yesterday. She can always clearly see it in her head; the moment she stepped into the laundry room, the bright afternoon sunlight spilling into the room with the blinds up, she saw her mother laying on the floor, foam at her mouth and her eyes staring soullessly at the ceiling.

“Happy death day, mom,” she says quietly, looking back at the stars painted on her ceiling before sitting up and stretching her limbs out like a cat.

She gets out of her bed and catches a glimpse of her reflection in the tall mirror in the corner of her room. There are black smudges under her eyes from struggling to remove her waterproof mascara off her lashes. Her cheeks are hollow from not eating consistently and properly, making her body look like she’s drowning in the big shirt she worn to sleep. She lets go of her breath. Juniper just looks like she’s just a shell of herself. A painting of somebody she hardly recognises.

Juniper steps out into the hall, her feet meeting the cold marble floors. There’s nothing but silence and the piercing echo of Heidi’s laugh ringing in the background like the buzz of an annoying fly. The mansion feels haunted even, not by ghosts or anything supernatural, but haunted by the emptiness and misery that flows in the air of the Velazquez household. The emptiness of it all and the lack of warmth it provides make it less of a home and more of a sad, vacant house.

Instead, it’s a statement made to the public. The gaudiness of the Roman columns around the house, the pretentious marble floors and crystal chandeliers and the flashy cars parked outside are just begging to be stared at. It is all just completely showy and that’s the thing. It’s furnished to cater such a pretentious lifestyle, taunting those who don’t have the same or just didn’t have it in general. Juniper feels like her family is just one big show for everyone to watch and indulge in.

The second she steps into the dining area, she’s stunned at the sight of Heidi sitting where her mother had used to sit. Every year, even though she doesn’t talk to her dad on the daily occasion, on a day like today, they would silently leave a plate of waffles with maple syrup on the placemat where she used to sit at. It’s the only silent agreement, or the only agreement in this case, she ever had with her dad; to always leave a plate of waffles with maple syrup on a day like today.

Waffles were always her favourite breakfast food.

But now it’s occupied by a college-dropout wearing a silk-pyjama set, obnoxiously laughing into the air at something her new, much older, husband said. And instead of waffles, they’re having eggs benedict and avocado toast which Juniper guesses is Heidi’s little own personal touch.

Juniper’s dad takes a half-glance at the threshold, “Where did you go last night? I’m really not in the mood to deal with the authorities on this fine morning.”

She doesn’t look at him but only glares at Heidi, hoping her eyes would burn a hole in her forehead, “I went to the house at the end of the street. A new family moved in.”

“A new family! How fun!” Heidi claps her hands excitedly, “We should invite them over for dinner or something.”

“That’s a fantastic idea,” He agrees with her as he brings the cup of coffee to his lips and says as he looks at his daughter, who’s still glaring at Heidi on the other side of the table, “Why don’t you invite them over tonight?”

Juniper avoids his suggestion and takes the seat across Heidi. Shedoesn’t pick up on her glare as Juniper furrows her eyebrows, eyeing her down and then says to her dad without looking at him, “We’re not having waffles today?”

“Celia has kindly made us some eggs and avocado toasts instead.” Her dad says. Celia is the lady who has been cooking for the family right after her mother passed away.

Juniper finally snaps her head towards his direction, glaring at him now. He doesn’t catch it and instead looks down at his tablet, reading something off the screen as he takes sips of coffee in intervals. There’s silence in the air and Heidi wild eyes only flicker back and forth, between Remi and Juniper in anticipation.

Juniper slams her injured hand on the table, ignoring the stinging pain as her dad snaps his head up, eyes as big as saucers, “Do you not give a shit anymore?”

“What is the matter with you?” His eyes are narrowed into slits looking back at her.

She feels tears stinging her eyes, “It’s just that easy for you, huh?”

“What are you talking about? ¿Que pasó?” He asks and reaches his hand across the table to hold her but she swats his hand away as she gets up abruptly, making the chair screech against the floor and collapse behind her unceremoniously.

And then it hits her. She sees the genuine confusion in his eyes, looking at her questioningly from where he is sitting. He’s looking at her but not at her eyes. He’s just looking right through her almost as if she’s just an avoidable ghost. She can feel herself crumble like a house being kicked down. Her heart feels shattered and her insides just feel completely vacant when the realisation dawns on her.

“You forgot,” she squeaks. Her voice comes out in a soft, delicate whisper almost matching how vulnerable she feels that if someone touches her, she might just fall apart into small destructive pieces.

And then that’s when her father realizes. She starts to see the painful realization flooding his eyes; he’s beginning to look disappointed and ashamed as his eyes flicker down to the table, lips pressed into a flat line. Heidi looks confused, mouth slightly ajar as she looks from Remi to Juniper, trying to decipher the situation but fails.

He gets up from the table and turns, making his way to leave to the back of the house.

“Remi?” Heidi calls out at his back but he doesn’t stop. He leaves through the french doors and makes his way towards the garden in the back of the house.

Juniper feels her heart shattering once again. Her hands are curled into tight fists as she tries to hold in the tears in her eyes. It stings and she can feel her body shake with anger and the familiar grief. Her body feels frozen and that she’s trapped in time as she watches her father walks away and her new stepmom staring at her, unsure of what to do.

A tear falls from her cheek as Heidi approaches her with open arms.

“Don’t touch me,” Juniper tells her before she could even pull her into her embrace.

“Jun-” is all Heidi could say before she storms out of the room.

It is in this moment that Juniper realises the last fragment of her mother has completely vanished in one small gesture. From the furniture that her mother had picked out being removed to her paintings being sent to the shed, Juniper can’t help but feel like this would be the start of forgetting about her mother. She never wanted to admit this for the longest time but her dad had been a part of that specific fragment of her mother; someone other than herself that showed that she isn’t completely gone. But it’s clear to her now that with every remnant of her mother gone from the house and now her dad, Juniper has never felt so angry.

She has never liked crying but when she does, she does it in the shower with the overhead shower on and the jets on the walls turned on just so she can’t even herself cry. With the water running down her face, she wouldn’t be able to feel her actual tears.

When she gets out of the shower, her eyes are bloodshot and puffy. She knows that there’s no amount of makeup in her vanity that could cover the bags under her eyes or make her eyes look a little more lively. So, she doesn’t bother and leaves her face bare, exposing the redness of her nose and the puffiness of her eyes.

She doesn’t even wait for her dad to get to the library. Before he’s even ready, she uses an Uber to send her to the library. By now, she’d skip community service but with the threat of getting sent away by the end of summer dangles dangerously over her head, she guesses that even though every ounce of her is boiling in anger, she can’t jeopardise her chances of staying.

The driver rolls up at the front of the library. When Juniper steps out, she stops at the bottom of the steps and sees Castiel sitting at the top. In an instant, he sees the look on her face. Just when he stands up as he watches her walk up the steps and ask if she’s okay, Juniper asks before he even gets the chance.

“What are you doing here?” She asks, adjusting the strap of her bag against her shoulder.

“I just wanted to check on how you’re doing,” Castiel says sheepishly with both of his hands buried in the pockets of his ripped jeans. Juniper is avoiding his gaze and he’s trying to peek at her face, “Are you okay, June?”

June. Like the first day of summer. June. Like the warm beach waters. June. Like the long sunny days.

Juniper hates how it easily rolls of his tongue like that.

Like he’s been saying it so relentlessly and lovingly.

And the fact that it’s fairly early in the morning and he’s here, at the library, to see if she’s okay? The thought of him caring is driving her insane.

“I’m fine, Castiel,” she swallows the lump in her throat and sniffles. Her eyes are still a little puffy and she didn’t bother with make-up to cover the redness. She’s lying through her teeth and she knows Castiel isn’t dumb. He sees right through her and she knows that he’s not convinced. She takes a step to fight the creaky front doors but Castiel steps in, successfully cutitng off her route. Her eyes warily to meet his, seeing how they squint against the sun and at the same time looking at her with so much concern that’s never been aimed towards her.

“Hey,” he nudges her arm lightly, “You don’t have to bottle up everything. Eventually, it’s just gonna consume you.”

Juniper’s head is racing with so many thoughts. Castiel. Her mother. Her dad. She’s angry at her dad, sad for her mom and so relieved to see Castiel again. He looks good today and his hair is a little messy, as if he had run his fingers through it too much as he waited for her. She wonders if he was nervous if she wasn’t going to show up today? Was he worried? No. She can’t think about Castiel, right now. Not on a day like today. The memory of her pale mother on the floor is so fresh in her mind, she feels 12 again.

But Castiel.

He cares. So much.

But she has to numb herself. Castiel is just another boy. Like Ethan. This isn’t going to be any different this time.

“I wasn’t going to jump,” She finds herself clarifying to him. Castiel takes a small step back, taken by surprise at how her voice jumped a tone louder. Juniper stares right back at him and her eyes are as cold as steel and as turbulent as a hurricane. “I don’t need you to monitor me every now and then. I’m fine. I’m perfectly fine.”

Castiel frowns, “Whoa, hey, I just wanted to see if you were okay. You know how scared I was seeing someone standing right at the edge of the cliff? June-”

“Please don’t call me that,” she shuts her eyes. She isn’t lying. She really does want him to call her June. If she doesn’t stop him any sooner, she’s afraid she’s going to end up wanting too much from him.

“Alright, I’m sorry,” he nods and hesitates to continue but he forces himself, “Juniper. Please. I just met you but I was still scared regardless. Hell, I’d still be scared if I didn’t know you at all.”

I’m sorry. That’s what she wants to say to him. It’s right there on the edge of her tongue. But she can’t have someone like him around her. Eventually they decay and wither away like everything she touches.

“Well, don’t fret,” Juniper says sarcastically and plasters on a forced grin, “I’m in one piece, Castiel.”

Castiel scratches the back of his neck after sensing the thickness of hostility laced in her tone, “I’m sorry but am I missing something here? I just thought, you know, after last night it’d be okay if I come in and check in on you-”

Juniper sighs inwardly, “What am I supposed to do now, dude? Suck your dick now that I know that you like The Shining and you only sing Pink Floyd in the shower?”

She sees something wavers in his eyes and the light over his face die out to a dim. He sighs and holds his hands up in the air, “My bad. See you around, Juniper.”

“Bye.” Juniper says flatly and turns to push through the door. It’s struggling to open once more and with Castiel behind her, watching her fight and grapple the door, it couldn’t be anymore awkward and painful than this.

She’s nudged aside by him. Juniper stands to the side awkwardly as he places his hand on the door and the other on the handle. It creaks and then squeaks before opening completely. Castiel holds it open and waves her way in.

“Thank you.” She quickly mutters and steps in as he disappears behind her.

“Who was that?” is the first thing Myrtle says as Juniper slams her bag down on the counter.

“Your 10th grade crush.” Juniper hisses and takes the box of returned books without question out of Myrtle’s hands and starts her task for the morning.

Her time at the library flies by fairly quickly for the first time ever. When it’s two hours before she gets to leave, the doors groans loudly and a satisfying crack can be heard before Juniper can hear two people laughing as the sound resonates through the quietness effortlessly. She peeks around the corner of the bookcase and sees that it’s someone she knows that goes to Camden Prep; Luke Sudarso and his girlfriend, Clementine Ambrose.

Clementine’s bright blue eyes wonder around her surroundings, still giggling. Her bleach blonde hair is in waves with butterfly clips holding them away from her face. Luke, on the other hand, is looking around the dustiness with his nose scrunched. Two very different reactions.

“Get a hold of this place,” Luke snorts and pokes the crack in the bookcase near him with the toe of his sneaker.

“I think this is the place where some Instagram baddie-wannabes go to to take those photos where they pretend to read,” Clementine says, “It’s rustic. I get it. It has it own charm.”

Juniper steps out from the aisle and quirks a brow, “What are you two doing here?”

“Ah! Just the girl we’re looking for!” Clementine immediately turns around in her heels when she hears Juniper’s voice. She’s the only few people Juniper can tolerate. Clementine skips her way towards Juniper and grins, “Couldn’t reach you by text. Luke and I thought you were in juvie or something-”

“Clem.” Luke says through his teeth and then gives Juniper a grin, one that makes his eyes squint and accentuate his cheeks even more. He slings his arm over Clementine’s shoulders and pulls her against his side, “What she’s trying to say is that we got told you were doing community service in this,” he pauses to look around once more in scrutiny, “charming little facility.”

“Well, that’s what you get when you paint a pair of balls across the front of the school,” Juniper mutters and leans her shoulder against the bookcase.

“It was beautifully done,” Clementine nods her head vigorously, “The foreskin was an amazing extra touch. Very Dali. I think my dads would dig it.”

Luke shakes his head and laughs softly, “I’m so sorry for what happened. I never liked Ridley.”

“It’s whatever,” Juniper waves her hand airily. She doesn’t like to think about Ridley and his small testicles. She sighs and pushes her hair off her shoulder, “I know you guys aren’t here to borrow or buy books. You guys need a house to party or something? Because I can’t, which I know is a little weird coming from me.”

Clementine gasps dramatically and with how it echoes, it makes it sound even more so. She grabs Juniper by the shoulders and says, “It’s bonfire night!”

Of course. Bonfire night. It’s an unspoken tradition for Camden Prep to host the bonfire night every summer. It’s not just because they’re one of the most richest kids who could get their hands on the best drugs, drinks and whatever money can buy but because they’re good at it. They’ll set up several tents on the beach for those who are too drunk to go home (but usually, people end up using it for hook-ups), with the best food and drinks. They’ll even have a DJ set and lights to illuminate the entirety of the beach that they would occupy for the night. It’s a little earlier this year since a lot of people are flying off to exotic locations a lot sooner.

“And also,” Clementine leans in to whisper, “There’s a new boy in town and Luke invited him to the bonfire tonight.”

Juniper catches Luke rolling his eyes.

“Oh, please. He’s a total saint,” Luke says helplessly, “The craziest thing he’ll do tonight is probably finish a whole drink. And if you’re adding Juniper into the mix, he’ll probably turn her down politely. Write a whole apologetic essay or something. Or maybe he’s a presentation type of guy.”

“If only I was so easily deterred by some challenge,” Juniper jokes. “Who’s the new guy?”

“Oh, Castiel DiAngelo. From San Jose or something.” Clementine shrugs.

“San Francisco, babe,” Luke quietly corrects her.

“Castiel DiAngelo?” Juniper repeats. She can skip out on the party and stay at home or go somewhere. But that isn’t a very Juniper thing to do. She never misses a party. Especially not the annual bonfire night.

Usually, decisions are easily made. She can either like or hate something. She can drop a person the second she decides she doesn’t want to be with them. But with the bonfire night happening tonight and knowing Castiel will be there, she’s experiencing a dilemma. She doesn’t want to go because he can see right through her and after she’s said to him that morning but she wants to go because she just wants to see him.

And the thought of a shirtless Castiel being approached by girls clad in bikini?

Well, Juniper isn’t going to admit it just yet.