JUNIPER MAKES IT A TRADITION to never stay home on the first night her father would be married to his new young wife for very obvious reasons. Despite getting the lecture from her dad about behaving properly and becoming responsible after spending some time glaring at the eyesore of a car on the driveway, Juniper has decided to sneak out to a party one of her classmates are throwing.

The party is thrown by Ash Malhotra, another rich kid who lives in the Hidden Hills of LA. His house glows with bright lights and loud music that can be heard muffled from the end of the street. From far away, the Malhotra mansion looks nowhere near to chaotic but when Juniper arrives, it’s all she ever sees. Girls in skimpy outfits barely walking in a straight line and boys yelling, slamming down red solo cups once they finish to the last drop. They are the same rich kids who post their pristine life online for others to feed on and the ones on the list of entering the most prestigious universities in a year or two.

They’re all just decaying from being under the sparkling lights so much but it’s only routine. By tomorrow, they’re clad in clean designer, covering just enough of the mistakes they did the night before.

Juniper doesn’t remember much of what’s happening after snorting a hefty white line off of the bare stomach of Eloise Lim. Before she knows it, she’s just floating around the house like a ghost but there’s something so euphoric about it all. How she’s merely floating, watching everything and everyone go by her like the wind as if she’s just the background character for once. She can’t feel anything but she can feel the high that’s alleviating her.

When she dances under the dim lights, she feels like she’s flying and the ringing bass at the tip of her fingers. She feels the music play within her bones; her limbs as the instrument and her skin as the stunning show. The red lights illuminate the room like the inside of a heart, beating so vigorously, desperate for a calm. She can feel the room move under her feet and everything spinning around her. It’s as if the room is swaying her, making her dance at the beat of the music like a puppet.

Juniper can feel herself stumbling back and forth on her feet, rocking like a boat floating on treacherous waters. She raises her hands towards the high ceiling, feeling the coolness of the air at the tip of her fingers. Closing her eyes, she feels the tightness in her chest loosen and untie itself. She can feel herself breathing and hearing her lungs expand and collapse at each breath.

That’s just how it goes normally. She’ll take whatever she can get and then she just waits until it hits her system. It feels like everything in her body shuts down, not to a screeching halt but to a peaceful calm. Like, she can hear her own thoughts instead of all these different voices telling her things all at once. Her chest wouldn’t feel heavy and her head doesn’t feel cold. But now, she can feel her body, the sweat on her skin and the heat of her hands.

In the flashing red and blue lights, she sees fragments of a familiar boy coming towards her through the crowd. He’s emerging from smoke that fills the room, almost like a god striding through the clouds. Everything is happening so slowly, giving her time to focus on almost every part of him. It’s always his dark eyes that catch her attention first. They’re almost as dark as hers but not stormy or dazed. They’re gentle against her tempestuous ones. The meteoric lights flash, hitting his face in various places, accentuating the strong and sharp features of his nose and jaw. She sees his hand reach forward, touching her arm until the gap between them minimises to the point she can feel his heartbeat.

She isn’t going to lie. A lot of girls (and some boys) would kill for the day a boy like Ethan Bak to ever look at them the way he looks at her. She can’t admit that she likes the way he does it but Juniper knows they simply shouldn’t be together. Maybe in another universe, things would be a little different between them but this is their world and they’re forced to live in this one. In this world, Juniper doesn’t need it to happen because in this world, all he ever is to her is a warm body and he knows it.

They hold their gaze on each other before she turns her back on him, feeling his chest against her shoulder blades. They move like water, their bodies fitting perfectly with one another. His hands hold onto her waist as she moves against him. With how they are dancing with each other, Juniper can imagine how fast the blood runs in his veins and how deep he breathes for the smokey air to fill his lungs. His body feels familiar that she’s almost confident how many freckles he has on his body.

Ethan wraps his hand around her wrist and pulls her around in one tug. As the music comes to a slow, signalling the end of it, he pulls her closer just as the lights get turned down low. On the final note of the song, he closes the gap hastily, placing his lips over hers, tasting the heavy traces of vodka on her tongue.

The people around them disperse as a moment of total silence falls over them just as Juniper pulls herself away from Ethan. The haziness in her eyes seems to deepen, making the charming smile on his face to falter.

He pulls her out of the living room and to the kitchen where it is less congested. Juniper’s footsteps feel heavy and she can feel herself on the verge of collapsing from coming down from her high.

The fall is always terrible for her.

There’s silence, just static buzz ringing in both of her ears. It fades after a second before she hears nothing but the moans of the wind, like the strong wind at the Velazquez beach house in the Hamptons. The sound gets louder and louder as she vacantly watches Ethan race around the kitchen, trying to find any clean cups left around the cupboards. He hurries towards her and says something but Juniper can’t hear a word. Just his mouth moving before he grabs a random cup off the island counter, running it under the water and cleaning it out before running it under the tap again and comes back to Juniper with a cup of water.

“Drink some water, please,” She can finally hear him, along with the painfully loud music and the constant chatter that she can’t seem to find where it’s coming from.

Juniper only takes the cup from him without a word and takes a sip. He’s standing in front of her as she sits on top of the island, looking at her with so much concern in his eyes. She can tell how much he cares about her that she might even think Ethan is starting to fall in love with her. But boys like Ethan are ones she’s all too familiar with. Boys like him have a knack for broken girls, ones they aspire and fantasise about saving one day so they can wake up one morning like a fucking saint.

“Feel better?” He asks as she nods, putting the cup down next to her. This wouldn’t be the first time Ethan gets scared at that particular look in her face when she’s falling from her euphoria.

“You gotta stop worrying about me,” Juniper says, glancing around the kitchen just to avoid his eyes, “You’re kinda stepping over the line of just sleeping with me.”

Ethan rolls his eyes and leans against the sink, both hands placed on the edge of the marble countertop. He lets out a dejected sigh, “Look, do I have to tell the entire world that I like you? That maybe I want to take you out for a date? Go to the fair, have some greasy hot dogs and win you that ugly stuffed turtle with the rasta hat? I like you, Juniper.”

Shaking her head, she hops off the counter and walks towards him, holding his cheeks in her hands, “Aww, mi amor. It’s adorable of you to think that you and I can truly survive out in the real world.”

“Can’t say I haven’t tried,” he sighs deeply.

Juniper inwardly lets out a sigh of relief. She’s not going to pretend Ethan isn’t boyfriend material. He is extremely boyfriend material. He’d pick you up and take you out on dates at some 60s themed diner. He’d walk you to class and give you a long, lasting kiss before the teacher can even say you’re late. He drives around in a Corvette and he would probably take you in his car and have endless makeout sessions in the backseat. He’s even willing to win that dumb stuffed turtle with the rasta hat. Juniper knows she can claim Ethan right then and there but she’s not going to.

She’s too much of a chaos to be with someone like him.

“Oh, look,” Maritza Ramos almost trips her way into the kitchen, immediately seeing Juniper there with Ethan. Her newly red-dyed hair is tousled into a mess and her dark skin is glistening with sweat. She manages to not roll her eyes at the sight of Juniper and moves past her to get to the bottle of Don Julio on the counter, pouring herself a cup, “If it isn’t LA’s finest wreck gracing us all tonight.”

Juniper eyes Maritza from head to toe before looking down at her shrewdly, “Don’t act like you’re not happy to see me. I got you that nose job you always wanted.”

Maritza clicks her tongue, putting her cup down and turns in her heels to face Juniper with a sick grin, “You punched my nose during the Halloween dance and broke it.”

“You’re welcome,” Juniper proceeds to say smugly.

Ethan steps in when he sees the grip of Maritza’s hand on her cup tightening. He slings his arm around Juniper and the other arm around Maritza, pulling him into his sides, “Come on, ladies. Let’s be nice. It’s the first day of summer, after all.”

“There’s not a single bone that isn’t dramatic in her body,” Maritza quips.

Juniper narrows her eyes at her and says, “Be careful, coño. I don’t think having another nosejob is good for you.”

“It isn’t my fault Lewis went with me instead,” She scoffs.

Juniper chortles, “It’s cute how you think I did all that because of one stupid boy who doesn’t know what’s good for him.”

“Ladies, settle down,” Ethan says in a sing-song voice and sighs heartily, “Look around us. We’ve got drinks, endless bops and a youthful night ahead of us!”

Juniper wants to roll her eyes at Ethan’s attempt of being the mediator but she doesn’t do it. Instead, she shoves Ethan’s arm off her shoulders and snatches the bottle of Don Julio out of Maritza’s hand before taking a swig straight from it, maintaining her glare on her before turning and exiting the kitchen and towards the sliding doors that lead to the back of the house.

The tequila doesn’t faze her. Of course, it burns her throat and leaves a stinging after taste but she’s far too used to it now. She doesn’t even flinch when it touches her lips. But she does whatever it takes just to keep the noise away.

When she reaches the back of the house, she watches the reflection of the blue crystal water wavering against its surroundings. Figures of drunk teenagers hang around, dancing the night away, taking shot after shot and passing and smoking joints around. The air is cold and it bites. It smells like chlorine and marijuana, a strange fusion that lingers in the air.

She scans the area sagely, almost like a lioness deciding on her prey until her eyes land across the pool, on the porch of the casita. It feels like a while when she meets the eyes of a boy she has never seen. But in reality, it’s for a fleeting moment that she meets a pool of deep copper colliding with the colour of dark earth. Something glistens in them, like the flicker of a candlelit flame against the soft gust of wind.

“Juniper Velazquez, say it isn’t so! After that stunt you pulled today and you made it to my party? I am extremely flattered!” She instantly rolls her eyes at the voice of Ash yelling at her giddily, emerging from her peripheral vision. Juniper reluctantly turns her head to see Ash shirtless, wearing nothing but his black pants and his hair slicked back from jumping into the pool. He’s your typical, everyday rich boy whose personality is made up of fast cars, boobs and boasting about his expensive shoes. He’s no better than anyone and no one else is better than him.

“Good evening, Limpdick,” Juniper gracefully greets, forcing herself to smile at him.

He frowns, feigning heartbreak as he places his hand on over his chest, “Gosh, can’t be a little nice? You are, after all, drinking one of my dad’s 1942 Don Julio.”

“Oh, please, Ash,” she pauses to drink the said bottle of Don Julio, “Your dad is a crippling alcoholic. I’m doing your family a favour,” Juniper raises the bottle up in the air and adds, “Here’s to the emotionally detached fathers in our lives, resulting in endless daddy issues for the both of us.”

Ash blinks and then laughs uneasily, whistling lowly, “Sounds like somebody needs a drink.”

“Yeah, you would know, Malhotra,” Juniper taunts and then feels a sharp breeze go past her as Ethan reappears and greets Ash, holding his fist before the both of them collide and slapping each other’s back once before pulling away.

She stands back when the two of them start to talk about the last soccer game Ethan played in before summer break started. Its moments like these Juniper can’t see her and Ethan past the point of friends with benefits because when it comes to people talking, no one could ever get by the fact that her mom killed herself by drinking bleach.

That and the handful of arrests and three preparatory schools as conversation starters.

When their short conversation ends with Ash getting dragged away by a couple of boys wanting to play beer pong, Ethan turns to face Juniper and briefly glimpses over at the drink in her hand.

“Oh, where are my manners?” Juniper asks politely, her voice so sweet even she feels sick hearing it, “Care to join?”

He makes a grab for it but she pulls it out of reach. Ethan doesn’t say anything about it and instead calmly says, “I probably should get you home.”

“Pfft,” Juniper snorts, “Not until I completely blackout.”

“Well, you’re not finishing a whole bottle to yourself,” he tells her firmly, “You’re like 5’4. If you drink this whole thing, you’re gonna need a liver transplant.”

She rolls her eyes, “You’re just being heightist.”

Ethan frowns and just when she thinks her wit isn’t going to get her anywhere with him tonight, he smiles widely and lets out a gruff laugh.

“Now,” Juniper slowly says and steps towards him, closing the gap between them. She puts on her most inviting eyes, batting her long lashes, caressing his arm softly with her fake nails, sending shivers up his spine without fail, “Would you care to join me so I don’t need a liver transplant?”

He smiles again and takes her hand in his.

Ethan takes the lead as he meanders around the large house. Juniper follows him, watching his back as he leads them up the grand staircase. A few people turn their heads towards their direction and it’s a regular reaction that it’s becoming merely routine for her. Any kind of reaction at this point feels numb to Juniper.

Ethan takes her to the master bedroom’s balcony, where they can see the wide opening of the backyard. From there, Juniper can see the illuminating pool with a few people scattered around it in their underwear. The casita seems cramped with the beer pong table set up on the veranda. There’s a small group of people gathering around the fire pit and another group hanging by the windows of the pool house. The moon above them hangs and the silver light breaks through the branches of the tall trees, casting distorted shadows across the ground. The music feels far away and so do the people, living within their own conversation for the night.

Juniper takes a deep breath, filling her lungs as if she hasn’t been breathing for the longest time. For a while now, her lungs felt hollow, almost without air. She doesn’t even feel alive sometimes -- going through the motions until she does something terrible to spite her father, giving her the bite of anger. It’s pathetic but it’s the only thing she can find herself doing.

She leans over the railing, her eyes scanning over the small figures below.

Juniper throws her head back as she drinks from the bottle again. She winces a little; nowadays, alcohol isn’t enough to numb the wallowing emptiness. She hates that she’s gaining tolerance against the things that she uses to distract her; the parties, alcohol and she hates to admit it but Ethan too. She doesn’t necessarily love Ethan but he’s a reminder of what comfort could be or just a second of fresh air that her lungs allow her to take. But lately, all she ever feels with him is guilt and maybe even jealousy because his life is everything she could never admit as something she always wanted.

Ethan takes the bottle from her and takes his turn to drink from it. Unlike Juniper, he lets out a groan at the strong, metallic taste before returning the bottle back to her as she vacantly stares at the scatter of people beneath them, “You lookin’ at Grace?”

Juniper laughs and shakes her head, glaring at him, “Oh, come on. We hooked up once -- I decided bicurious white girls aren’t really my thing.”

“But Korean boys are?” Ethan quirks a brow at her with a proud grin on his face.

“Get over yourself, Ethan,” Juniper shoves his shoulder playfully and snatches the bottle out of his hand. She changes the subject quickly, “You going anywhere for the summer?”

“Yup,” Ethan sighs, “I’ll be around here for a bit and then I’m gonna spend some time in Iceland and Finland with my brother for a week before heading to Busan for our cousin’s wedding and stay there for the remainder of the summer.”

“I won’t be seeing you around, then,” Juniper says and thinks: it’s for the best anyway.

“Don’t miss me too much, Juniper,” He teases, putting one arm around her shoulders and pulling her into his side. He’s aware of what kind of girl she is. Hell, she’s been the talk of the town since her mother passed away. That, and the constant updates of what she did the last time she caused trouble for her father.

She gives him a wide smile and tells him with another swig of tequila, the smell rolling off her tongue effortlessly, “I won’t.”

He kisses the side of her forehead chastely with a devastating breath, “I know.”

Juniper appreciates the way he is though. Even though he’s been nothing but a distraction for her for a while now, she likes that he doesn’t force the idea of them being an actual couple on her. He’s relentless on certain things but he’s not invasive with what he wants. It’s terrible on him but she appreciates that he respects her decision.

They hang around the balcony as the night passes, passing the bottle back and forth between each other as they reminisce over the past couple months. It’s chilly out but Juniper doesn’t mind it. It bites a little but it’s been a long time she actually felt anything so she lets the chilly air wrap around her.

Silence finally puts their conversation to a pause. The party has calmed down now with a low-tempo song playing in the background. People are sitting around the back now, instead of dancing or playing drinking games. Juniper looks down at the clock on her phone: 3:23AM.

“Are you tired?” Juniper asks all of a sudden. She sees two of Ethan before her now. Her head feels light and heavy at the same time and her body seems to feel the same.

“I’m pretty awake, why?”

“Do you wanna take a brand new Porsche out for a ride?”

________________

By the time Juniper returns home, she can barely walk in a straight line. She drank more of the Don Julio than she expected herself to, giving Ethan the task of persuading her to not take her stepmother’s new car for a drive, which is never easy when Juniper set herself up to do something.

“I really don’t think you should do this, Juniper,” Ethan says, grabbing her wrist to slow her down as she makes a very flimsy beeline towards the Porsche parked on the driveway.

Her house is quiet, glowing with gold light. The master bedroom faces the front of the estate and she can see that the room is dark, meaning that her dad and her stepmother had fallen asleep for the night. It’s a big house; big enough to be able to avoid each other and big enough to feel alone all the time.

She despises how big it is. Most people would love to own a house like hers; 6 bedrooms, 7 bathrooms, a beautiful kitchen with natural light that flows in and marble floors that glistens from the crystal chandeliers hanging from the high ceilings. The garden is extensive and extravagant with a pool gracing the centre. But it all feels empty to Juniper and it’s frustrating how loud the silence that occupies these places can get. It’s terribly ostentatious and it never fails to remind the people who live there how loud loneliness can get.

“Oh, I couldn’t agree more,” She chuckles into the night sky. She looks back at him, seeing three of him in front of her now, “But I’m a great drunk driver.”

He frowns but she doesn’t see it, “That’s not something to be proud of-”

“Lighten up!” She cuts him off, wringing her wrist free of his grip. Juniper groans before pouting at him, caressing his arm seductively, “It’ll be really fun, I promise.”

“Juniper! Please, just get to bed and sleep this off,” He begs.

Juniper crosses her arms over her chest and narrows her eyes down at him, tilting her head aside, “Has anyone told you you’re no fun outside of the bedroom?”

“That’s hilarious,” he deadpans and adds, “Look, you’re intoxicated. You had too much to drink and you’re making terrible choices right now. You’re going to get hurt.”

She scoffs, shaking her head at him disapprovingly. She stumbles back a bit, “Wow. Now you too, huh? Everybody’s so fucking against Juniper nowadays.”

“Nobody’s against you, June.” Ethan groans in frustration. He’s using that tone Juniper hates. It’s the one her father uses on her all the time. She feels her hands turn into fists, her nails digging into her palm that it almost breaks and bleeds. “Don’t you think this teen angst of yours has gone a little too far? If this is about your dad remarrying and actually trying to have a life, I really think you should do the same-”

“First off: fuck you, Ethan,” she starts and interrupts him mid-sentence. Juniper suddenly feels sober (or maybe it’s just anger riling her up again) as she glares through her blurry vision at Ethan, “Second: if you’re trying to be some heroic teenage boy mending a sad girl back together again, you should stop. It’s a little bit cliche and desperate if I’m being honest. And third: I don’t need you to fucking take care of me. You’re not my boyfriend. You don’t owe me anything.”

She watches the look of disappointment wash over his face. It’s a look that she’s all too familiar with and she hates how it’s a constant reaction for the people that hang around her. What’s worse than being disappointed is actually seeing the look of it on the faces of people that mean something to you. She has let them down, once again, and it sure isn’t going to be the last time. It never is.

“Exactly, I don’t owe you anything. I’m here because I care.” Ethan tells her calmly, “But maybe that’s the problem here, Juniper. You think people owe you just because your life is turning out like shit.”

Juniper rolls her eyes, “Don’t psychoanalyse me.”

He snorts, scratching the back of his neck. Ethan clicks his tongue, a little hesitant to leave. But he knows he has to start to walk away from her at one point. He lets out a deflated sigh and starts to slowly walk backwards as he bids her goodbye, taking in the last sight of her, “Have a good summer, Juniper. I wish you the best. I really do.”

She doesn’t say anything and she doesn’t move. Her entire body feels paralysed and stuck. She just watches him turn his back on her and walk off to the end of the driveway, getting into his car and disappears down the road. The engine roars eerily in the dead of night but it fades as he drives further away. She’s left alone now, in the cold night. It has always been like this at the end of the day. Just her and the deafening silence as always.