In the dream, we’re lying in tall grass again; wild flowers covering the ground like a blanket. Above us is the sky, a blue dome so clear I wonder if there ever was such a thing as a cloud.

I hear myself say, “It’s itchy,” and Neil is turning to me, laughing, his hair falling over his forehead with the movement. He lifts my shirt, and this time I look down to where his hand lies, over my belly; at the round fullness of it.

“She’s kicking,” he says. It’s only when the words tumble out of his mouth that I feel it, in a detached sort of way; like butterflies in my tummy, or a tickle against my cheek.

How do you know, I think, how do you know it’s a girl? How do you know what she’s going do before I do? But then, just like every time before, he kisses me, and my questions melt away.

I pull away, and my face wrinkles with confusion, because it was Neil I was kissing, but now it’s Adam and he’s smiling sadly at me. My stomach feels cold and heavy with unbearable sadness, and Adam says, “Its fleeting isn’t it?”

And before I can say anything, I hear someone yelling and it startles me so much my eyes pop open and find myself sitting up in bed.

It was Nyla I heard yelling, but she’s just babbling her usual baby talk; she’s tucked in beside me in the bed and Adam is playing with her. When I sit up, her high squeal fades and she turns to me with an unimpressed look, as if I’m spoiling the fun.

“Hey,” Adam says to Nyla. “You woke your mom up.” Nyla claps her hands once and resumes her squealing, banging her plushie against the mattress. He laughs and turns to me.

“Hi.”

“Hi.”

“She woke up early and I thought I’d let you sleep in a little.

“Oh.” I say simply. After a moment I smile, and it feels like I’m physically stepping into a costume; A.J. after Neil.

My stomach clenches and unclenches nervously.

“Are you okay?” Adam asks.

“Yeah.”

It’s been so long since I’ve dreamt of Neil…

“I’m going for a shower,” I say, stopping my train of thought.

“Okay.”

I go for a shower, needing to wash Neil off, and then come back, dressed in clean pajamas. I slide into bed next to him. He pulls me closer and kisses me softly.

“That's better,” He murmurs.

“Where’s Nyla?”

“I bribed your sister to take her.”

“With what?” I giggle.

“That’s strictly confidential,” Adam murmurs, against my lips.

His fingers find the space between my top and boxers, and he slips his hands onto my waist. I can feel a slow, delicious shiver travel up my spine. I so enjoy the way he looks at me.

“What?” I challenge.

One eyebrow slides up sexily, and he dips his head to let his tongue dart out to lick the skin on my neck.

I chuckle, but he is kissing me.

He suddenly isn't so guarded now. His fingers rake the skin up my thighs and squeeze my breasts over my shirt, grazing my nipples.

Adam’s T-shirt comes off, although it’s a little hesitant on my part. My pajamas aren't the most conservative item on the menu, and I am halfway naked just wearing them, but when he pushes me on my back and climbs between my legs and I realize how close we are to having sex.

I flash back to the dream, when Neil kissed me and I pulled away and it was Adam. It felt so wrong then-

I break the kiss suddenly.

“Are you okay? Adam asks again.

“Yes.”

I want this. I have to remind myself of that.

I can feel his erection pressing into me. The moment I realize how hard he is like a revelation to me because I am suddenly wet too. He lifts my shirt gradually, I barely feel it but then he pulls away from my lips and I feel them around my nipple, and I'm stifling a moan because he's sucking on it in a maddening, slow luxurious way and he's starting to pull my pants off –

Its fleeting isn’t it?

“Stop.” I gasp. I’m already pushing his hands away. A carnal part of me screams with frustration.

He looks confused; concerned… but he's pulling away. “Are you okay?”

I shove my shirt down and close my eyes.

“Alyssa?” he prompts.

“I'm fine... I just can't.” After a beat I add, “-Yet. I can't yet.”

“Okay.” Adam says. He sits back on his knees and I can barely look at him. I want him inside me. I want to have sex with him and seal the door on Neil forever. But the dream, the stupid fucking dream about Neil feels like some sort of omen and I'm scared about how hard I'm trying to move on and frustrated with myself for it. I'm supposed to be happy.

I feel tears prick at my eyes and think not now, but blinking only makes it worse, and then they're falling and Adam looks stricken and panicked. But he wipes them gently away anyway. I cry for a few minutes, and Adam just cuddles me, until I’m done.

“Did he hurt you?” he asks, watching me dry my face.

I don't have to ask who Adam means. My unnamed ex. Nyla’s father.

“You never talk about him.”

I shake my head, wishing I could tell him everything and make him understand.

“I just want us to wait,” I say, as if this will explain it all.

He's still looking at me in a concerned way.

“You know you can tell me anything right?” he asks, caressing my hair. His voice has exactly the right tone, exactly the right inflection; as though he took a class in “being an understanding boyfriend”. And yet it is rooted in genuine concern, because that is who Adam is.

Looking at him, I know he doesn’t believe me about not being hurt. He touches my shoulder gently and it is this slightly paternal move that makes me turn away from him with slight annoyance.

“I know Adam.” I sigh, and he frowns, drawing away to sit up across from me.

“Alyssa, I don’t care about the sex. I will wait as long as you want me to. We don’t ever have to have sex if that’s what makes you comfortable;” he gives me a long look. “Although I would like to.” He adds, quickly. It’s meant to be a joke, but inside, a small part of me smarts with embarrassment.

I always thought it was an expectation; to be young and to have a baby means that people think you’re easy, and I thought maybe Adam would expect it of me too. It’s not really who he is, and the practical side of me knew it wasn’t true, but there was still that small part that insisted it was.

“I don’t care about the sex.” He repeats. He stops, as if to weigh his words first. “I want you to tell me because it feels sometimes as if you have a part of yourself closed off from me. You don’t have to tell me everything right now or maybe not even ever at all, but I’m just telling you how it makes me feel.”

He watches me for a moment as his words sink in, and I close my eyes, chewing on the inside of my lip nervously. If I tell him and he leaves, I need to hold myself together for Nyla. Wrapping my arms around myself, I swallow and take a deep breath.

“Um,” I hesitate.

How do I tell him the truth without scaring him away? Without painting myself as ugly and making it so that he understands?

I swallow the hitch rising in my throat and meet his gaze.

“Nyla’s dad was the last-the last… relationship I had. I um,” I dig my fingers into my arms. “He never hurt me,” I emphasize, but whatever Adam’s true opinion of this remains unspoken. He simply waits for me to finish.

The rest of the words come haltingly as I struggle censor them. “When I met him, he was a little… he was with someone else.”

“Okay,” Adam prompts. His eyes are fixed on my face and I find myself looking down at the comforter because I don’t want to know what his features look like when he’s disappointed or repulsed and it’s directed at me. So far, they haven’t changed from concerned but I’m just too afraid to keep looking at him.

“We were just… friendly at first and I spent a lot of time around him and I realized that I had feelings for him but I didn’t think he had feelings for me because-” I break off. “I just didn’t think he thought of me… like that… so I tried to ignore it… but then I found out that he did and…” I lift my eyes to steal a glance at him and try and gauge his opinion but can’t. With a deep breath I continue.

“He was still with – with her, so we didn’t tell people we were… together. I also didn’t tell people because I knew they would tell me it wasn’t okay and I didn’t want to hear that because I really…” I feel my face screw up with effort but I cannot bring myself to say the word “loved”. It struggles on my tongue and finally my mouth pushes out an alternative. “I really cared about him. We broke things off for a little bit but then he left… her…”

“The girl he was with?” Adam asks. I nod and I take a moment, pressing my lips together before I continue. It does not escape me that he said “girl” instead of “woman”. I don’t press a correction, but instead move to finish.

“He wanted to leave town and he wanted me to go with him,” I say, “And I realized I was pregnant… I thought that if I went with him then maybe…” I stop for a long minute. It’s too much to put into words. Finally, I settle on a phrase; something that will put my decision in perspective, but my voice is high and brittle and finally cracks on the last word. “It just seemed right to go,” I say, “I thought things would work out somehow.”

My eyes lift but Adam’s features swim in tears that threaten to fall.

I cannot cry. Not now. Not here. Not again.

“So, you went with him?” he clarifies.

I note mutely. After a minute I sigh. “It was good for a while,” I manage. I think of how alone I felt last summer, wandering around the board walk alone.

“So, he’s not in Nyla’s life?”

I want to tell him that I needed to protect her and to make him understand, but my voice has grown small. All I can do is shake my head.

I wait for will to do something, anything, but he just sits there. It’s hitting me that maybe I really have scared him away, but then he moves closer and sinks into the bed, and pulls me so close that we’re nose to nose. His arms wrap around me reassuringly.

The whole thing just makes me sad – everything that happened with Neil and Adam saying he’s falling for me when I’m so aware of the fact that I am closing off parts of myself from him. I can’t even let go of what happened with Neil enough to have sex with Adam.

I listen to Adam’s breathing gradually slow as he falls asleep, and it strikes me how it sick it all is; because I never could stop with Neil. He would have if I had asked him to, but I don't think I could have. Once we started, I wanted him too much to stop. My mind wanted what my body did, it was like a burning desire that refused satisfaction in any other form. And yet, here I am unable to do anything with Adam.

Every time Neil said I was his, every time I said I knew I was; it became more and more engrained in me. I still wear his pendant for fuck’s sake. Being his is what instinct dictates now. How can I unlearn that?

I reach for my pendant, pulling it a little too roughly to bring the clasp forward. My skin smarts a little, and it makes me angrier but I cannot bring myself to take it off. I give the stone a frustrated tug, and rise from the bed, going into the bathroom to wash my face before I head for the kitchen, where I hear Nyla gurgling away.

She reaches for me as soon as I walk in, even though Anya is in the middle of lifting a spoon of pumpkin and pear puree to her lips.

“Boy, this kid.” Anya sighs, as I sit and take Nyla. Her hands are sticky with puree. I laugh, and Nyla leans forward to take another spoonful from my sister.

“What do you think about hiring a private detective?” Anya asks, out of the blue. I’m reaching for the tea towel on her shoulder, and think I’ve misheard her because it’s so absurd.

“Huh?”

“A private detective.” She repeats.

“For what?”

“To find mom.”

After the last time, I thought Anya had dropped the subject.

A dull ache creeps up the base of my neck, and my head starts pounding. I wish I could start this morning again. I’d wake up first and get Nyla her puree and then Adam and I wouldn’t have almost sex because Anya, Adam and I and he would be too busy having breakfast right now, with Nyla balanced on my lap. I wouldn’t have cried about Neil or tried to tell Adam about us and Anya would never ask her ridiculous question because Adam would be there and everything would still be perfect. It’s funny how all those little changes would have made a difference; but then again, I would’ve still had the dream. That’s the thing that threw me off, and it’s frustrating that I can’t change that.

“Anya, mom probably wouldn’t even Google us.” I snap, suddenly in a terrible mood. I don’t look at her because I don’t care if it hurts to hear, she needs to stop talking about it like I’m suddenly going to sit up, slap my knee and tell her what a great idea it is. “Stop looking for someone who doesn’t care to be found.”

Every time she brings it up and there’s this heartbreaking hopefulness to her eyes that makes me feel like I’m talking to an eight-year old, and they’re asking me if Santa’s going to come. And I don’t know why she tries to involve me like I’m the one mom stuck around to watch grow up.

We finish feeding Nyla in silence.

Adam wakes with a start a few minutes later and hops in the shower while I give Nyla a bath in the sink. He’s running late to meet his mom so I give him a distracted kiss before he leaves, and spend the rest of the day in bed with Nyla, even though she’s very obviously restless.

By Monday morning, I have come to the conclusion that it was one bad day. Everybody has bad days, and I had to have one eventually. Life isn’t all smooth sailing from birth to the grave; neither are relationships. Adam and I will have sex when we’re both ready and Anya… will eventually give up. And it was just a dream. Neil hadn’t actually shown up at the door.

I give a tentative nervous titter over my coffee.

“Goy?” Nyla asks, looking up at me.

“Yeah, goy!” I agree. Nyla smiles, and I catch a flash of white nubs on her gums, making note to get some teething biscuits and rings for her to chew on.

I hear Anya stumbling about pulling on her shoes, and I’m usually out the door already by then. I pour my coffee down the sink (there’s free coffee at work anyway) and grab Nyla to put her in my sister’s room, leaving her with a kiss.

“Love you both!” I shout, over my shoulder, running for the elevator.

I can already hear Nyla wailing for me.