Against My Better Judgement

Starting over is hard. People say that a lot but you don’t really know what that means until you actually have to do it.

I don’t remember most of the first day I got back because I slept most of it away. When I woke up in my old room and the disorientation faded away as reality came crashing down around me, I realized that simply slipping into my old life was impossible, because it no longer existed.

I showered and dressed and made it downstairs to face my sister after doing something unforgivable. She was supposed to be at work, I remembered, but she had stayed home. I couldn’t even eat yet… the nausea was so overwhelming. Instead I stared at the coffee cup in her hands, my eyes filling with tears because I didn’t know how I would find a way to tell her everything so that she would understand it all. Sympathize.

“So,” Anya said. “What happened?”

Quietly, I started. And I told her everything… watching her as she grew quiet and concerned.

“I’m calling him,” She said.

I begged. I pleaded. I became hysterical. We fought.

That was the first day.

The next day wasn’t any better.

I remember barely speaking. I remember crying myself to sleep. I remember how silent we both were, and I remember thinking that she would never forgive me for keeping it from Neil and I would have to leave.

I remember feeling a pain so deep it was almost physical.

I remember going to the hospital for the first time.

I remember hearing the baby’s heartbeat for the first time. Crying; because I wanted Neil there. I had nothing left of him, except my necklace.

I remember people talking when classes started up again; their stares and whispers following me when I walked by. I hid myself in baggy clothes at first; and then it became harder to hide and I lost a lot of friends.

Fall turned to winter.

I remember laughing with Anya, as we were sitting on a park bench. I remember that it was the first time I felt like I would be okay without Neil.

I remember squeezing Anya’s hand when the baby kicked for the first time.

I remember the first time I realized I couldn’t see my feet over my belly. That was After I learned to ignore people’s stares. After Anya got a new job and we moved to Green-Apples, and after I withdrew from the university.

I wanted life to stop, to see how much I missed him.

When Nyla was born, it was like waking up. The doctor pulled her from me and there was a second of silence; as if she was too stunned to say anything. And then she opened her mouth and screamed, and my heart was filled with the most indescribable love.

Anya was crying. Nyla was crying. I was crying. She was so beautiful… I couldn’t stop looking at her. I waited for someone to take her away from me because something this perfect could not be mine and mine alone.

I named her Nyla-Wren Fischer, because she needed to have some part of Neil too; even if he didn’t know.

I would lay my palm in the center of her chest, just to make sure she was still breathing, still real… she had this downy honey-colored hair. And the star of her open palm was the softest thing against my lips.

She was worth it all; everything that had happened and would happen. She was worth it.

I got a car. I got a job. I became normal, like Neil wanted.