Ad Infinitum et Ultra

"YOU know it's never gonna work, right?" I sighed when I did not get a response from Jarred, the guy whom I have been hanging out with for a month now.

"But Dana, what's wrong with trying? I'm serious about you. I like you very much and I'm willing to wait until you do things that you want to do." he said trying to hold me.

"I'm really sorry, but we can still be friends. That's the best thing I could give you. I'm really sorry, Jarred"

It is sad how Jarred and I became distant after that encounter. He was a good friend. I tried reaching out to him but he just wouldn't see me and told me he needs time to accept that we could never be more than friends. I like him but only, as a friend. Ever since that day, I stopped looking at men as a potential partner. I would rather look at them as a brother or a friend, and nothing more. I do not want to be in the same situation I was years ago just because of love. I also think that I am too young to be in a relationship. If ever I come to a point where I would want to be in a relationship with someone I would want to be really ready for it. I don't want to rush things as I am only 21 and is a third year college student taking Bachelor of Science in Accountancy. I don't need a distraction right now. I need to focus on my studies.

'I also doubt it if someone would still be willing to be with me if they find out what I've been doing and what I've been through for the past few years. I'm no better than anyone else. Actually, I think I'm less.' I shook my head to get that thought out of my mind. Hmm... I really have a bad habit of self pitying.

"CONGRATULATIONS, Ms. Atienza. You never failed to amaze me huh?" I only smiled at him as he handed a piece of paper to me. I looked at it and saw a flat 1. I smiled wider this time.

“A perfect score huh?” I uttered as I looked at it in awe. Oh! How many nights have I sacrificed for this? I got a flat 1 in Income Taxation subject! I have been reading nonstop every night for the past two months to make sure I will pass every subject of mine but I never thought that I am capable of acing any subject, particularly, Income Taxation. I am beyond happy.

I was in the mood the whole day because of that one good news. Some friends congratulated me and joked about their disappointment for not copying my answers, for I did not even bother covering my exam paper that time which I only answered with a laugh. It’s true that I don’t cover my paper. I do not care if someone gets to copy my answers nor if someone gets a higher score than me. My only competitor is myself. I could care less about anything around me.

That afternoon, my block mates ask me to come with them to a newly opened bar. My original plan was to read my Laws on Obligations and Contracts notes, but since I am really in a good mood because of the grade I got on my Income Taxation subject, I happily said yes to them.

“So, can I get your number, Miss?” I smiled at Randy as I reached out to his phone to type my number. I like making friends, having a lot of friends is a big advantage to people like me. Aside from that, it feels good to talk to various types of people. You know, for research purposes.

I was having fun with my friends, drinking and dancing. I could feel my head spinning, I think I drank more than I should have, but it did not stop me from having fun. I ransacked the whole dance floor as I wildly twerked in the middle of the crowd.

‘Damn! This is the life; I feel so free!’

I stopped twerking when I felt someone groping my almost non-existent butt. Slowly, I looked back and saw two men having fun looking at me… hungrily. I went out of the crowd and sat on one of the stool in front of the bartender. “One sex on the rocks, please.” I smiled at the bartender as I looked around the whole place. The place is a high-end bar, full of powerful figures. If I were the same person I was before, I would say I don’t belong in a place like this and would not even think of stepping my foot here, but then I am new person now although it does not change the fact that I only got in because of one of my classmate’s connection. She’s friends with the President’s daughter and when I say the ‘President’, I meant the Philippine President.

“Sex on the rocks, serving.” I smiled again and muttered my thanks. I was about to drink on my drinks when one of the man who grope my butt in the dance floor showed up in front of me. I nonchalantly looked at him. I must admit, he looks good with that kind of messy pompadour hairstyle, he is wearing a pair of cargo pants and a white shirt with a ‘FUCK DUCKS’ print on it. “Hey sweetie, you look like you need a company,” He said and smile showing his perfectly aligned gold teeth.

‘Who the fuck likes gold teeth?”

“Uhh yes, but not with someone who wears shirts with a ‘FUCK DUCKS’ print on it.” I laughed. For some reason, he laughed with me which I find weird. Is he stupid or what? I’m insulting him, duh! I sip on my drinks and decided to just ignore the guy but he just won’t budge and keeps on babbling some shits, so I faced him and said, “You know, I’m not interested in you so back off.” His smile quickly fades away and he gave me that look only air-headed people give, “Bitch, you’re not even pretty. Ugly slut!”

“Well, You’re the one trying to hit on this ugly slut.” I scoffed and got off my seat to find another spot where no one will likely disturb me because I need to sober up while I can still control myself. I wouldn’t want to end up in a bed with a stranger. With no luck, I couldn’t find a spot inside the bar so I decided to just get some air outside. I settled in a convenience store nearby to drink coffee.

I looked at my reflection at the glass wall of the store; I am wearing a moss green turtleneck long sleeves tucked in a high-waist shorts which is three-inches above the knee, and my favorite knee-length leather boots. My long dark green hair is in a messy bun. I have a light make up on my face. I am not a pretty woman but I know how to enhance my features using make up that makes me somewhat presentable. In spite of the fact that I am not a pretty woman, some people find me attractive. The secret is my confidence and wits.

I smiled upon looking at myself. Oh, how beautiful it is to be shattered by the world. Years have passed and I see how much I have changed; gone the timid and naïve little girl who begs for someone’s attention. I have grown to be a woman of my own. A strong independent woman I have always wanted to become.

It was in the middle of my reminiscent when my phone vibrated. I almost forgot, I haven’t checked my phone since my block mates and I went to The Heist, that’s the name of the bar. Shanna, one of my closest block mate, is calling me.

“Hel—“ I haven’t even finished talking when he interrupted me.

“Dana, where the hell are you? You just vanished into thin air, you’re missing all the fun, girl! There are lots of hot dudes in here! You can’t miss the chance, they are sons of most sought after businessmen and conglomerates!” I rolled my eyes by what she said. Shanna has always been so supportive of me when it comes to getting a boyfriend because she thinks I’m too uptight to even look at a man’s dick.

I giggled when I remembered what she said when we were hanging out at her place months ago.

“Dana Lorraine, I swear! Life is no fun if you don’t get a boyfriend. Don’t you like Ace? He’s been hitting on you lately! Girl, he’s the captain of our school’s football team! Don’t be so uptight and get fucked! Life is good, but life will be better if you sex with men!”

For a straight A’s student, she’s too free and wild. I admire her for being able to balance her sex life and her, being an honor student. Although, personally, I wouldn’t want to jump from one guy to another every month only for sex but I am not judging her. Her life, her choice; none of my business.

“DANA LORRAINE! Are you even listening?” I got back to reality when Shanna’s voice went loud. “Don’t worry about me, Shannie. I’m fine without a man in my life. Anyway, just tell the others that I’ll be going home because I have to read for Laws on Obligation and Contracts. I love you, see ‘yah!” Before she could even protest I already ended the call.

A minute hasn’t even passed when my phone vibrated again, “What now, Shannie? I told you I’m going home!” I answered without even looking at the caller’s ID thinking it was Shanna, trying to make me come back to The Heist.

“You seem to be having fun, baby. You’re not even texting me back.” The deep voice from the other line sent shivers down to my spine. The smile on my lips slowly faded away, my brows creased as I try to do my breathing exercise to calm myself down.

I breathed deeply before I answered, “Hey baby, sorry I got busy with school stuffs. What’s up?” Once again, I inhale-exhaled trying my best to be calm. “Oh, sorry. Where are you anyway? Can you go to my unit? I miss you and your lips.”

‘Fuck! When will I ever be used to this? It’s been almost two years now!’

“Uhh baby, sorry. I still have notes to review for my exams tomorrow. I’ll try to find time next week and oh! Don’t forget to eat, ‘ight? I’ll hang up now. Message you later. Miss you!” I sighed when I ended the call. I can never be used to this. This is my deepest secret. A heavy weight I will forever carry even up to my last breath.

I didn’t notice the tears that’s flowing on my cheeks. The only trauma that I, myself, have chosen. An escapable situation yet I still chose to face it head on. All for my dreams. I couldn’t help but to cry loudly. Funny how just a while ago, I was admiring myself for growing to be a strong independent woman… but am I really?

I didn’t care about the eyes that are watching me as I sob loudly, my tears flowing continuously. Despite the store being fully air-conditioned, I am sweating so much. I guess the alcohol still got its effect on me because strangely, I let other people see how weak I could be. I mean, I don’t even know any of these people but I always liked maintaining the authoritative and confident woman vibes in me.

“Here. You’re still a crybaby after all these years, Dana.” I force myself to stop sobbing. I see a hand holding a plain white handkerchief. Slowly, I looked up and saw the least person I wanted to see right now… Joseph Austin Lorenza. My ex-boyfriend.

“What’s gotten into you, making a scene out there.” He said nonchalantly, as if he isn’t mad at me at the slightest. We are in the parking space, inside his car and I don’t know why he even invited me to come with him but since I’m all sobered up, embarrassment finally got into me, “Nothing, I’m practicing my acting skills. Who knows? I might be the next superstar in the showbiz industry.” I joked.

“Hmm, considering your wits and talents, you’d pass to be an actress but people tend to go for pretty faces. No offense though.” I’m used to him, for it wasn’t the first time he slapped my face with the truth that I am not pretty. This stupid guy irks me the most, but I can’t deny how much I loved him before… to the point of crying begging for him to understand me.

“Yeah, just like you.” I scoffed.

“You know that’s not true. I always go for the brain.” He seriously answered.

“What are you, a zombie?” I laughed, “Remember when we broke up, and you found someone else, but you still ask for my opinions in social issues and our homework, man.” I teasingly added.

“That’s why we got back together after that, right?” he look at me with a serious face. “… and you’re the one who couldn’t wait for me the second time.” He added.

My smile quickly vanished when I heard that, it wasn’t the first time we fought over this. For Pete’s sake! It’s been years already. Two years have passed.

“You talk as if you still love me and haven’t moved on.” I laughed rather awkwardly.

“My love for you will never falter, Dana.” I faced him and made face as if trying to say I don’t believe him, “Cringe.” I replied.

“Anyway, since you’re already here. Care to drop me off to my place?” I said while putting on my seatbelt. I didn’t bother waiting for his response because I know even if I don’t ask him to, he would. That’s the kind of man he is. A make-pretend gentleman.

“Thanks for the ride.” I said as I unbuckle my seatbelt.

“Dana…” Just when I was about to open the door to get out of his car, he spoke, “Why didn’t you wait for me?” He talked as if he really is hurting.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” I tried to open the car door but it seems like he already locked it, “Open it. I still need to review for my exams.”

“You know what I’m talking about, Dana Lorraine.” He didn’t pay attention to the last thing that I said. “I told you, I just have to get through med school but we could still be together. I mean, we’re not in a relationship but I know you still love me and I do, too. W-why couldn’t you wait for me?” What he said made me laugh. It was as if, it is my fault for not waiting for him. He, of all people, know what I have been going through for the past years. He knew every single detail of my past but because of that one mistake, he left me and when he came back he wanted me to wait for him, he wanted me to let him control me.

“Joseph Austin, You’re so selfish. You want to be with me… but with no label. I settled with that for months but when things got blurry for the both of us, you found someone else and I couldn’t even do anything about it because who am I to be mad? I was just your mere ex-girlfriend who happened to be having sex with you that time. You gave me a second chance, I gave you yours but that’s how far I can go, honey. I’ve stooped so low for you. You are bad for my mental health, and I have far more important things to prioritize than being in a relationship with someone who wants to control me.” I gasped for air. I snapped again. I really hate it when we talk about the past. I always end up crying.

“There, you said it! You don’t want to be with me because you prioritize your career more than me. I told you! I can provide for you. We’re both in 3rd year college but I have money. Live with me, you can continue studying but I promise to provide you with everything.” Did he just disregarded what I just said? Damn this rich stupid guy.

“We’re done, Austin. I can provide for myself. I don’t need your money. Now, open this goddamn door before I get real mad at you and i swear you’ll never see even a shadow of me.” I said gritting my teeth. He’s gone too far!

I step out of the elevator, still doing breathing exercises to calm myself down. That fucked up ex-boyfriend of mine annoyed the hell out of me!

I was walking towards my unit when I saw a familiar figure standing in front of my door. I froze with wide eyes. My anxiety is kicking in. I suddenly want to turn my back and run, but it was too late because the man’s head tilted towards my directions. Hint of recognition passed through his face and then he smiled cheerfully. I hurried to go near him.

“What the hell are you doing here?” I opened my unit and let him in first.

“I told you, I miss you so I went here to see you, and oh look! I brought you gifts.” He said as he raises both of his hands holding eight branded paper bags.

Channel. Yves Saint Laurent. Prada. Apple Inc.

“Baby, I’m not mad or anything but I’m really busy right now. Put it down and go. Next time, don’t come here without a notice, okay? What if somebody finds out?” I calmly said even though I’m really furious at his sudden appearance.

His smile faded but he did as I told him. I saw that so I went to his side and kissed his lips. “Take care! Thanks for the gifts.” I opened the door and let him out when he was already gone, I dropped down to the floor as my tears flow nonstop. I wiped my lips repeatedly.

My phone vibrated, using my shaking hands I checked it.

From: Knight

Hey, baby. I was really disappointed we couldn’t talk that much but thanks for the kiss I think my energy came back. I hope you like my gifts and don’t be shy to ask for anything that you want. After all, I’m your sugar daddy.

I didn’t bother replying. Damn! I hate the life that I chose but this is the only way I can pave my way to my dreams and no one, not even the guy I love the most, can stop me from getting that attorney title before my name. I am not Dana Lorraine Atienza for nothing.