Katie

            Leaving my counseling appointment is always bittersweet.  My weekly visits are designed to help me deal with my emotions.  I struggled with whether I wanted to seek professional help, but with Hayley’s encouragement, rather her constant spitting statistics out at me, I had decided it was best.  The nightmares have begun to fade, and everyone has finally stopped treating me like I am fragile. Avery and I have been communicating daily now, rather than his once a week check-ins.  I finally feel like I am moving forward, and I am ready to do that with his help.  I know it seems rather odd, feeling so comfortable and safe around a man I barely know after what happened to me, but I am determined not to let it dictate my life.  

            “Hey girl, you ready to go to lunch?”  Hayley’s cheerful voice breaks through my thoughts.  She finally moved back home recently, after she kept extending her stay, but still accompanies me to the gym and to our self-defense class.  She has also been taking me to lunch everyday since she moved back home.  I am sure it is her way of keeping an eye on me and to keep up with my budding interest in Avery.

            “Sure.”  My response less enthusiastic, sounding a bit exhausted, which immediately causes Hayley to lift an eyebrow at me in concern.  “I am fine, Hayley, just been tired lately.  I feel like I may be coming down the with flu, is that going around?”  I am taking advantage of the fact that Hayley is a nurse, hoping she can offer some insight into how I am feeling.

            “No, not really.” Hayley comments, looking up at the ceiling, her lips twisted to the side, like she is mentally going over her patients in her mind.  “I don’t believe we have had a single case yet.  What are your symptoms?”

            “Come on.” I roll my eyes at her, “I’m starving.”  We decide on Chinese food and head over to the buffet down the street.  Upon arrival, I realize I don’t feel well at all.  The aroma from the restaurant is really turning my stomach fast.  Despite my attempts to ignore it, I cover my mouth, looking up at Hayley apologetically, and run into the bathroom.  Hayley busts in after me, pulling my hair back out of my face.  She is looking down at me, a worried expression on her face.  I don’t understand, I never get sick.  Hayley has always told me I have a strong immune system.  Why, suddenly, am I getting sick?  Maybe I really am catching the flu.

            “Katie, you look extremely pale.  That’s it, you are coming with me to the hospital.  You don’t take care of yourself like you should.  With everything you have been through, all the stress and anxiety, your immune system is probably weakened.  I want to have you checked out.”  Hayley barks this out like an order, not a request.  

            “I just vomited, Hayley”, I begin to protest.  “People get upset stomachs all the time.”  I am nodding my head at her, like it is a proven fact.

            “Katie, if you love me, you will come to the hospital with me.  Please, just humor me.”  Hayley begs.

            “If it will shut you up and get you off my back, fine”, I am trying to dismiss her concern.  “You need to get me in fast though, I have little animal patients this afternoon that need me.”  That brings a smile to Hayley’s lips, and we leave for the hospital.  Once we arrive, I fill out the necessary paperwork, sarcastically thanking Hayley.  I am taken to a room, where the head nurse comes in and takes my temperature, checks my blood pressure, and draws blood for labs.  “I think you are overreacting.”  I whisper as I reach over for Hayley’s hand as we wait on the doctor to go over the results of my blood work.  

            “Well, if you’re right, you can say ‘I told you so’,” Hayley sounds bitter.  I know she is concerned about me, and we have never really discussed what happened to me.  She was there when I gave my account to Avery, but we have never talked about it together.  Not due to a lack of Hayley trying, but anytime she would broach the subject, I would change it, telling her I was fine.  I tried to make it perfectly clear that outside of counseling, I have no desire to talk about it.

            The doctor enters the room, looking over his paperwork, and announcing that he has the results of my blood work.  He looks up at me long enough to make sure I am seated, and tilts his head sideways at Hayley, indicating she should move closer to me.  This causes me to feel uneasy.  Why did it appear that he wanted Hayley closer to me? Does she need to comfort me?  What could possibly be that bad that I need to be comforted?  “Katie”, the doctor looks from me to Hayley and back to me again, “you’re pregnant.”  The words hit me hard, did he say pregnant?  How could I be pregnant?  I have never…the room begins to spin, and everything goes dark.

            I open my eyes and struggle to focus.  Although the room is dark, I can tell I am still in the hospital.  No doubt Hayley had me admitted as a precaution after receiving the shocking news.  As my eyes adjust to the darkness, I can make out flowers on a stand along the wall, which causes me to smile.  What is that over in the corner?  Is that a person sitting in the chair?  “Hello?” I half whisper, “Is anybody there?” I see movement and a silhouette moving toward me.  My heart rate rises, as I struggle to make out who it is coming toward me.

            “Katie”, the voice whispers, and as the silhouette gets closer, I know it is Avery. I let out the breath I had been holding.  How long has he been here?  “I am so sorry, Katie, I wish I knew what to say.  Hayley called me and told me what happened and what the doctor said.  How are you handling all this?”

            I don’t know why, he is being extremely sweet and compassionate, but I get angry. I feel my face getting hot, tears are stinging the back of my eyes, and I raise my voice, “How am I handling what?  Finding out that I’m pregnant?  I don’t know Avery, it’s not like it isn’t screwed up enough that I lost my virginity while being raped, but now I find out I conceived as a result of that rape?’  My voice is now shrill, “How do you think I am handling it?”  A sob escapes me, and I begin to tremble, tears rolling down my cheeks.

            Avery quickly walks over to me, and grabs my hand, squeezing it like he is trying to offer reassurance.  “Katie, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you.  It’s a lot to have to take in; I’m just trying to be here for you.  Do you want me to go?”  The last question he asks in almost a whisper, releasing a deep breath.  

            I begin to cry, that scrunched up ugly face, gasping for breath kind of sobbing.  “No, please, just…”  Avery gathers me into his arms and holds me tightly, allowing me to bury my face into his chest, and for the first time since the rape, I fall apart.  

            “Just let it go”, Avery whispers, “Just let it all out.”  And I do, I let go of all the pain, the fear, the anxiety, and the heartache that I had buried inside me.

            The next morning, the doctor comes in to check on me, bringing in ultrasound equipment.  “Good morning Ms. Stiles, I am Dr. Brad Thorton, how are you feeling today?”  He checks my chart as he waits on my response.  

            “I’m feeling better this morning, thank you.”  I sit up in the bed, looking over at the equipment he has brought in with him.  

            “Ms. Stiles, I understand that this pregnancy was the result of a rape, is that correct?”  The doctor is looking over the top rim of his glasses at me, a look of sympathy on his face.  

            “Yes sir” I reply, in a meek voice, looking down at my hands, which are currently folded in my lap.

            The doctor pulls the ultrasound equipment closer to my bed and has me lay down.  “After we check to see if it is a viable pregnancy, we can discuss your options.”

            “Options?” I choke out the question, barely above a whisper.  I look up to see Avery walking into the room, holding two coffees and a small paper bag.  He looks rough, like he had slept all night in a chair.  

            “What’s going on?”  Avery asks.  Hayley walks into the room behind him, patting him on the back as she walks by him over to my bedside.

            “The doctor is doing an ultrasound to check the viability of the pregnancy, due to the violent nature of conception.” Hayley states in a matter of fact manner, sounding extremely professional.  “Unfortunately, we are going to have to ask you to wait outside while we do this.”  She gives Avery an apologetic look, “But I promise I will take good care of her.”

            “I understand.”  Avery walks over to me and kisses me on the forehead.  “I will be right outside.”  I nod at him, and watch him reluctantly head toward the door, only stopping to set the coffees and bag on the counter.  I can’t help but stare at his retreating backside.  What a firm, good looking backside it is!

            Once Avery has left the room, Dr. Thorton addresses me again.  “Katie, you have options.  Understandably, due to the nature of conception, if you decide not to continue this pregnancy, it is early enough to terminate it.  There is also the option of carrying to term and giving the baby up for adoption.”  His voice is beginning to fade as I remember a day in my not so distant past…

            “Good morning Mrs. Stoudemire, how are you and Trixie today?”  I am addressing Mrs. Evelyn Stoudemire, the dog breeder, and Trixie is one of her female registered poodles.  

            “I am afraid that Trixie has been a bad girl and has gotten herself pregnant by a mutt.  I need for you to give her one of those shots to terminate the pregnancy.  The bloodline would be ruined!”

            “Certainly, Mrs. Stoudemire, if that is what you wish.”  I turn to leave the room to go get the injection that will end Trixie’s pregnancy.

            I return to the room, making the preparations to administer the injection, and notice Mrs. Stoudemire staring out the window, obviously deep in thought.  “Do you think I am wrong to do this?” She asks over her shoulder.

            “It doesn’t matter what I think, Mrs. Stoudemire, it only matters what you think.  Are you having second thoughts, would you like to talk about it?”  I certainly didn’t like doing this, but under the circumstances, if that is what the client requests, that would be what I would have to do.

            Mrs. Stoudemire turns back toward me, “What I think?  I think life is a blessing, and Trixie has been blessed with life.  What right do I have to terminate it, just because she got impregnated by a mutt?”

                        …I don’t know why that in particular moment came to mind, but I am snapped back to my present situation by Dr. Thorton’s voice, “Katie, you will feel the scope now and if you will look over at the screen and give me just a moment, you’ll be able to see the baby.”  Before I can turn my head to look at the screen, I hear the heartbeat.  It sounds like quick little hollow thumps.  With each heartbeat, I can feel my heart filling with joy.  I look at the screen, tears streaming down my face, my lips quirking up into a smile.  “Right there.  Although it doesn’t look much like a baby right now, it is a viable, healthy pregnancy.”  I sigh, feeling like a huge weight has been lifted, leaving me relieved.  I know my decision has been made, and it wasn’t as difficult as I thought it would be.  I know the circumstances are traumatic, but I believe with all my heart that things happen for a reason, and out of this tragedy, I have been blessed with life.  I will keep and raise this baby.  I look over at Hayley, watching her read the expression on my face, and watch as realization is displayed on hers.  I can tell she is relieved; she knows I chose life, and she knows that I have finally acknowledged what has happened to me, and now I can begin to heal.  As I explain my decision to Dr. Thorton, he does express concern over the baby being a constant reminder to me of the rape, and suggests I continue counseling, even after the baby is born.

            “Avery, you can come in now.”  Hayley opens the door to my room, and I watch as he slowly enters the room.  Eyebrows drawn together, concern etched on his face as he watches the doctor gather the ultrasound equipment and leave.  “I will give you two a moment to talk.”  With that, Hayley leaves the room too.

            “Are you okay?”  Avery asks as he scratches the back of his neck.

            “I’m fine”, offering him a reassuring smile.

            “The baby?”  I can hear the anxiety in his voice.

            “The baby is fine too.”  I continue to smile at him and reach for his hand.  He comes over, taking my hand in his, sitting on the edge of the bed.   “I have decided to keep the baby.”

            “You do know that you won’t be doing this alone?”  He squeezes my hand.

            “I know.”  I feel the tears as they stream down my face, “I hoped this decision wouldn’t scare you off.”

            “It doesn’t.  I am so proud of how strong you are.”  He reaches over and wipes the tears from my cheek.

            “The doctor told me I needed to consider that the baby could come out and be a reminder to me of the rape.”  I look over at him, desperately seeking reassurance from him.

            Avery pulls me up and close to him, so he can embrace me.  He whispers, “Then we pray.  We will pray that the baby will look like someone you love and are close to, that way, when you see the baby, it will remind you of them, and not the rape.”

            I pull away from him long enough to look into his eyes.  “Thank you.”  Then, as we stare into each other’s eyes, he presses his lips to mine. It is a simple kiss, but I find comfort in it.  I was so scared that the pregnancy would put a stop to this budding relationship between us, but he is silently reassuring me that he is still here. 

            After a few moments, Avery heads over to the counter where he had placed the coffees and the small paper bag.  “I got you some coffee, although it is probably cold now.  I didn’t know how you liked it, so I filled the bag with sugar and creamer.”  

            “Thank you.”  I can’t help but adore the wonderful person standing before me.  “Don’t tell the doctor, but I would like four sugar packets and eight creamers.”

            Avery looks over at me, eyebrows raised, and a crooked smile on his face, “Eight creamers?”

            I giggle, “Yeah, I only like a little coffee with my creamer.”  Avery shakes his head, smiling, as he prepares my coffee.  Under the circumstances, I am honestly amazed at how well I am handling all this.  He brings the coffee to me, which I accept and slowly bring to my lips, sipping it.  We sit quietly, drinking our coffee, both of us deep in thought.  

            “Here I come to save the day!”  Hayley comes dancing into the room, finding us both silently sipping our coffee.  “Katie, not too much of that, remember what you eat, and drink now goes to the baby, and straight to your hips!  Plus, the caffeine is not good for the baby, and all that sugar puts you at risk for gestational diabetes.”  She heads over to my side of the bed, “I came to break you out of here!” handing me my release papers and information on obstetricians in the area.  I take her hand and squeeze it, thanking her for everything, without actually saying a word.

Avery

            I offer to drive Katie back to her office to get her car, since Hayley still has a few hours before her shift is up.  Hayley makes it perfectly clear that Katie is to get her car and go home to rest, that she can return to work tomorrow.  I couldn’t help but smile at Hayley, I can imagine that she will be Katie’s unofficial doctor during this pregnancy, and that she will worry enough for both of them.  Hayley instructs me to make sure Katie follows her orders, to which I reply with a quick salute, grinning at her over my shoulder as I leave to get my car.  As I pull up to the pick-up area, I see that Katie is already there, having been delivered by Hayley in the wheelchair.  I hop out and run around to the passenger side of my car and open the door for Katie.  As I help her out of the wheelchair, Hayley grabs her and wraps her arms around her in an embrace.  She pulls away and looks over at me, her eyes welling up with tears as she almost begs, “Please take care of her.  She means the world to me.  If you hurt her, I kill you, understand?”  I nod at her, respecting the friendship.  I have two best friends myself and would certainly kill for either of them.

            We arrive at Katie’s office and she informs me that she needs to go inside for just a few minutes and then promises she will head home.  She offers for me to come inside with her, indicating that she has some worried employees and needs to have a quick meeting with them.  She doesn’t wait for my response; she opens her car door and heads into her office.  I quickly follow her inside, not wanting to face the wrath of Hayley.  Several of Katie’s employees and clients immediately congregate around her, making sure she is okay.  She indicates that she needs to have a quick meeting and all of her staff join her in the break room.  “As each of you are aware, I was admitted into the hospital yesterday.  I do want to assure you all that I am fine.  It would turn out that I was given a blessing out of my tragedy.  I am certain of my decision to keep this baby, and I would appreciate it if you all would support this and not contribute to rumors on my behalf.”  Suddenly the room fills with the usual sounds of celebration, just like when someone announces their pregnancy under normal circumstances.  I work my way over to her, advising everyone that she was ordered to go home and rest and that she will be returning tomorrow.  I escort her out of the building and make sure she is settled into her car.  “When can I see you again?”  She quickly asks, appearing to be more confident now than in the past.  

            “Well, I am supposed to be at work now, so I do need to go in for a bit, but I can come by when I get off work.”  I was supposed to be at work this morning but had called in and informed them that I would be late, explaining there was a new development in the Stiles case, and that she was at the hospital.  I didn’t lie, technically, there was a new development.

            “That would be wonderful”, Katie beams.

            “See you then.”  I lean down into the car and kiss her.  It was a quick kiss, nothing like the way I want to kiss her.  She smiles up at me, starts her car, and drives away.

            At the office, I look over Katie’s case file again.  I am really beginning to get pissed off that I am no closer to solving this case and helping her find closure.  None of the forensic evidence is helpful.  Kevin provided me with a list of regulars, who I contacted to see if they had seen anything, but to no avail.  I checked alibis for convicted sex offenders in the area, but I am no closer to solving her case.  I realize that only about 1.5% of rape cases lead to a charge or conviction. If you take that and add on the fact that there are no witnesses, no video or real evidence, then my odds of finding the person responsible is very slim, if non-existent.  I was leaving the office when I got a call.  “Officer Maulden.” I answer.

            “Avery, it’s me, Hayley!”  She is screaming and I am having to lift the phone away from my ear.  “There was someone outside of Katie’s house!  I pulled up in the drive and there was someone standing outside Katie’s living room window and ran off into the woods when they saw me.  I am on my way inside now to check on Katie.”  By this point, Hayley is in tears.  I am anxiously waiting on Hayley to get inside as I head back into the office to arrange for a forensics team to come out with me to Katie’s house.  I hear Hayley unlocking her door, I assume she has a key, she screams Katie’s name and the phone hits the floor.  I immediately head back and jump into my vehicle, hitting the accelerator harder than intended, slinging gravel from the parking lot and causing my tires to squeal once they hit the pavement.  I dispatch the forensics team via my police radio, as I cling to my cell phone, desperately trying to hear anything to indicate whether Katie is okay.  I hear muffled voices, then “Oh shit, Avery?  Are you still there?”

            “Yeah, I’m here, is she okay?”  My heart is beating a mile a minute, I have never felt so helpless in my entire life. The fear is almost paralytic because I’m not there to protect her.

            “She is fine, she was sleeping on the couch, she wasn’t even aware that anyone was here.”  Hayley sounds breathless from the whole ordeal.

            “I’m on my way, I should be there in a minute.  The forensics team is on their way as well.”  Finally hearing that Katie is okay, relief washes over me, and I am now able to focus.  I pull up in her driveway, spotlight on, shining it into the woods surrounding Katie’s house.  I don’t want to miss a single clue and I don’t want to disturb anything that may be helpful to the forensics team.  I pull up behind Hayley’s car, getting out slowly, moving the spotlight around the perimeter of the house.  Katie comes busting out the front door, with Hayley on her heels, running straight into my arms.  I hold her a moment, eyes closed, thankful that she is okay.  “Have you noticed anything suspicious?”  I dutifully ask.

            “Nothing at all.  It’s like he ran off and vanished into the woods.”  Hayley was nervously wringing her hands together.

            Katie is shaking against my chest.  I pull my flashlight from my belt, situating Katie against my hip, arm around her waist protectively, leading her back to her house.  “I do see there are footprints here in the flower bed, outside this window.”  I shine the flashlight where they can see them.  Looking inside the window, I can see the couch that Katie must have been sleeping on.  I lead the girls back into the house, then begin pacing until the forensic team arrives.  I ask the girls to remain inside as I go out and update the team on what I know up to this point.  The forensics team dusts for prints outside the window and makes a mold of the footprints.  They circle the perimeter of the house and search the woods seeking additional evidence and find nothing beyond the footprints, which disappear along a creek bank that runs along Katie’s property line.  I arrange to have an officer patrol the area regularly and the team loads up and leaves, assuring me they will have a report on my desk by morning.  I am feeling anything but assured.  I can’t help but feel like my inability to solve this case has caused Katie more distress due to this recent development.