This Last Night with You

THIS LAST NIGHT WITH YOU

What happened to us? That thought had been running in my head like a broken record for days now. I had been feeling this gripping pain in my chest like I was drowning, and no one's there to save me.

I wanted to cry, to relieve myself from this pain, but there are no more tears left to shed.  I felt reduced to the hallowed version of me that it made me ask myself; what has happened to the 18-year old me. – the one who only loved Tarek.

I could not deny that I still love him.  I do.  But the saner part of me had been berating myself.  I asked myself, when did I become so selfish that I become this unhappy?

I am sitting on our bed.  The bed that Tarek and I shared for years.  I pressed my head against its back, while my hand held the comforter to my chest to cover my nakedness.

He just came out from the shower.  Water drops run down his exposed skin up to where he wrapped a towel securely.  Involuntarily, I remembered how my hands explored, owned, and pleasured that body like how the water is now running freely on his exposed body.  The remembrance brought a warm glow that travels from my chest to my face.

Seeing my blushed cheeks, Tarek gave me a teasing smile and a playful wink. As if he can see through my wayward thoughts. I love Tarek’s every smile – his smirk, his wide-smile - where the dent in the corner of his left lips show, even the one he gave me earlier.  It reminds me of our younger days when everything was just happy and uncomplicated, unlike now.

When he finished drying his hair, he walked to the closet to get some fresh garments. He casually dropped his used towels on a nearby chair, brandishing proudly his fully naked body for my eyes to feast on it.  And I did. I let my eyes roam over his chiseled chest to his washboard abs, and then my eyes wandered slowly to his masculinity to his well-formed butt and calves. I felt the involuntary pull, like a magnet to his metal.  The intervening years have made his physique marvelous.  Gone was the slim youth and was replaced by this glorious specimen of a man, a real hunk who is confident about his physical and social stature.  

I got distracted from my thorough study of him when he approached the table beside me to pick his personals.  Instantly, his fresh manly scent invaded my nostrils.  I closed my eyes in reflex, sighing inaudibly. When I opened my eyes, our gazes met. 

He continued to hold my stare even when he was clasping his rose-colored automatic diamond watch to his wrist. He moved precisely, unhurried, much like how he used that same hands to explore and play homage with my body a while ago. Another wave of heat crept to my cheeks. 

 His pupils dilated in recognition and awareness.  I saw how my body’s responses affected him too.  The glint in his eye reflects the same heat that consumes me right that moment.  I felt the air around us get heavy. 

I saw his jaw twitch before he broke the spell between us.  I continued watching him as he put his phone, car keys, and wallet to his jeans’ back pockets.  And then, my gaze was held transfixed by the gleaming golden band on his ring finger. 

And I felt my chest tightened. I recognized the sudden attack of jealousy and regret. I sucked in my lower lip and averted my face to hide the instantaneous pooling of tears in my eyes.

But there was no fooling Tarek.  He sat hurriedly beside me on the bed, cupping my face tenderly, enclosing it in his large hands so he can see through my eyes.

“Are you alright?”  Tarek asked.  His voice tinged with worry and something I could not define, tenderness or sadness maybe.  He tucked the loose tendril of my hair at the back of my ears.  I saw how his hand trembled.  

Our gazes glued to each other - not wanting to cut the connection.

"Yeah,"  I told him absent-mindedly. My eyes continue to hold on to his.  

"I will call you later, hmm?" his tone placating, still not breaking our eye contact. 

For a while, I let myself drown in the intensity of his brown orbs.  I don’t know how long we just sat there, staring at each other’s face, as if we are memorizing every contour, every littlest detail on both our faces.  

His phone rang, and the magic was lost.  I let out an inaudible sigh.  I could not help it.  

My mind formed a silent protest at the sudden cold brought by the absence of his touch.  But I just let it die in the intervening silence as Tarek put some distance between us and swiped the screen open to answer the call. 

"Yes, I am already on my way." He told the caller brusquely, and then he dropped the call.

Again our eyes met - his hold a mixture of guilt and an apology.  "I am sorry I have to go." He said. He has not gone yet, but I am already feeling the sudden attack of emptiness.  I dropped my eyes and bit my lip. Without warning, Tarek closed the distance between us in two strides to claim my lips.

A warm shiver runs down my spine at the unexpected but not unwelcome contact.  I returned the kiss.  My hands automatically went around Tarek's neck.  I pulled him closer, to connect my body to him in every way possible.

 I gasped when he nipped on my lower lip.  And then his tongue started its gentle exploration, savoring first my upper and then my lower lips as if he could not get enough of my taste.  I let his tongue pried open my mouth and danced with mine, much like how our bodies danced hours ago, in a rhythm as old as time.

The air around us is thick. Sensuously, Tarek's hands traveled to my neck and my shoulders.  There's a fire in his touch - that slowly burns every inch of my flesh.

When his lips followed in the gentle foray, my toes curled involuntarily. A soft groan escaped my lips. I want him! Again!

But before I could return the favor and start to pay homage to his body, he pulled away and touched his forehead to mine.  We stared at each other, chests both heaving, hearts racing, our breaths mingling.

After we calmed our raging emotions, Tarek finally let me go.  

“Go back to sleep.” Tarek issued the command.  It took my brain ten full seconds to realize that our night 

had ended.

My disappointment turned to a growl and threw my full weight on the bed.

It did not even bother Tarekm though he hovered over me for a while to cover my body from the neck down, his forefinger teasing a turgid crown.  He laughed when I swatted his naughty hand.

Seeing that I am still angry, he leaned in and traced my exposed skin, which sent a delicious thrill to my stomach.  His fingers gently and sensuously traveled the distance from my forehead to my cheek before finally settling to my lips, brushing my lips with his fingers while he continued holding my gaze.  

I groaned in my head.  

Here we go again.  How easy can Tarek make me relent with just a look and a touch?

When he leaned closer, I just melted.  And I pucker my lips for a goodbye kiss.

I did not see him walk out of the room - just the faint sound of the door opening and closing, before sleep claimed me. 

“How many times do I have to tell you, you have to leave Tarek Adeline!” Amy looked up from her phone, shaking her head, very much disappointed to learn that Tarek and I are still seeing each other despite her countless reminders.  

She dropped her phone to the dining table to take a sip of her kiwi strawberry smoothie.  We were seated from across each other at a cafe bistro that runs along Jupiter Street in Makati.

I held my breath and looked around, worried someone might overhear.  For the past two consecutive years, the media voted Tarek as one of the hottest billionaires in the country.  Besides, everybody knew our story up until the bitter end.

Satisfied that nobody seemed to care about our conversation, I turned my attention back to my friend.  My eyes, reproving.  

But I became distracted with the way she fussed over her chocolate truffle cake.  It was as if she has already forgotten her displeasure over me.  I watched her as she daintily took a bite.  She closed her eyes and mewled like a cat purring in total abandon.  I was both fascinated and envious. My mouth instantly watered. 

“Why did you allow Tarek to treat you like this?" Amy"s verbal onslaught caught me unprepared. 

My eyes widened, "I told you, I love him.” And then because I could not help myself, I picked up her fork and took a bite out of her cake.  I let the flavor melt in my mouth, and I gave an audible sigh. I even closed my eyes in pleasure.

When I opened them, I found Amy staring at me. Her mouth agape. And then it is as if an idea is slowly forming in her head.

“What?” I winced when I recognized the slight tremor in my voice.  Only Amy can do this to me. She could always see right through me.  

I took mouthfuls of my ice-cold lemon water fully aware of Amy’s watchdog gaze.  When I put my glass back to the table, I looked elsewhere.  I refused to meet her probing eyes.

Amy expelled a loud sigh before she gave me a look that closely resembled pity.  

“Please! Listen to me!” Amy huffed.  Her clenched fists hit the table with a loud thud.

"How can you call it love?"  Amy breathed, unable to contain her disbelief.

I shook my head in denial.  But her words kept ringing in my ear.

"No!" I barked - I cannot devalue what I feel to a mere physical gratification.  My love is worth so much more!

My nostrils flared in protest and anger.   I have a lot at stake here – my dignity, my self-worth, my family.

Tarek is my first love.  My first in everything.  I love him so much.

Knowing that I would not give this fight up easily, Amy shook her head and made another attack. 

“Don't tell me you are happy on a few borrowed times?"  Amy scoffed. Her nose scrunched up in distaste.

I smiled tightly.  Part of me recognizes Amy's concern.  She will not do this if she does not have my best interest at heart.

“Three years ago, you told me that you don’t love each other anymore -  that marrying each other at 18 was a mistake. What happened to that, huh?" Amy challenged me.  Her voice, though much gentler compared earlier, still holds a lilt to it that tells she's barely holding her temper.

In other circumstances, I might have found her expression comical.  But right now, I am in too much pain to see it.  I sucked on my lower lip to keep the tears at bay.  I do not want to remember what happened three years ago.  It is too painful because it was that year that Tarek and I lost our son, Timmy.

Amy saw my ashen face at the remembrance, and she relented.  “I am sorry for the things that I have just said.  I just want you to realize that you already changed the course of your relationship three years ago, and it is a done deal."

“Tarek already has a new life that does not include you.  You have to accept that.” My friend added.

I expelled a loud sigh before I looked down and watched my fingers as it curled tightly to form a fist. I applied force until the tips turned a darker shade of pink.

“Adeline, you have to let him go.”  I could not find comfort from her gentle tone.  All I feel is this nagging pain.

My eyes stung.  “I thought that love is liberating." I could not hide the bitterness from my words. Amy nodded. Her eyes prod me to go on.

"Why then does it feel like I am under house arrest?”  I tried to make it light, but my voice croaked.  “All I ever did was to love Tarek.” 

“Is it wrong to love?”  I asked again, brows furrowed.  My voice barely whispers.  My throat is thick from unshed tears.

Amy patted my hands.  “Love is never wrong.  You just loved the wrong person.”  

Amy’s words kept ringing in my ears.  “Love is never wrong.   You just loved the wrong person.”  My mind and my heart rebelled at the thought.  How can loving Tarek be wrong?  When I already know that not having him in my life is torture.  I already experienced living without Tarek for a year, and it was a nightmare.  I could not breathe.  I could not go on.  In the year that we were apart, I realized that my life stopped when we both agreed to annul our marriage. I only ever felt alive after our paths crossed again a few months back. 

And now that we found each other again.  I know what I feel is right.  It feels as if all our troubles back then became inconsequential.  All that matters is Tarek and me.

But for some time now, another part of me is acknowledging the truth in Amy’s words.  I was so confused. Why does loving Tarek have to be this way?  Part of me aches at the thought that I can touch him, make love to him, but I can never really have him.

I was just driving around when I passed by the Sanctuary of St Paul, the Apostle.  Something pulled me to stop and visit.

When I went in, I let my eyes roam the empty church, and memories gushed in my head - of me walking on this same aisle.  A blushing bride while Tarek waits for me at the altar.  I was so nervous at that time but happy too. Well, we both were.  We were so hopeful and excited to spend the rest of our lives together with our still unborn child at the time.

I slowly walked towards the altar.  Every time I pass a pew, I run my hands through it like a lover's caress. When I reached the first few, I kneeled and raised my face towards the revered image of Jesus Christ on the cross.  I just looked at Him until I felt my tears fall.

“Why does it hurt so much?"  A guttural sound came out of my throat.  My body shook as I sobbed. I did not know how long I stayed there crying. With every tear, my chest becomes lighter, and peace spreads through my whole body.

I know what I have to do.  I am just too afraid because I feel as if my life depended on Tarek.  But right now, more important things must be considered than just my feelings or Tarek’s feelings.

“Hi, love!” Tarek greeted cheerfully on the other end.  I was driving back to our home when he called.  

I cleared my voice before I answered in the same cheerful tone.  “Hey, are you home?"

“Yeah, I left work early so we can spend time together. It's the weekend tomorrow; you know how it is.” I can feel happiness and sadness from his voice, but I do not want to dwell on them.  Not just yet.

I remember how we used to spend our time together with Timmy, our son.  Tarek is a very doting father and family man.  For him, our family always comes first. 

After thirty minutes, I opened the front door to our old home.  The house was his parents’ gift to us when we married at 18.  We did not sell it even after our annulment.  We cannot bring ourselves to let go of our happy memories there with our son Timmy.  And now, it has become our love nest.  

I dropped my bag to the nearest armchair and walked to the kitchen. I always knew that when I am not yet home, this is where he spends his time waiting for me.  I smelled what he was cooking, and my mouth instantly watered.  Tarek cooks wonderfully.  Timmy and I always enjoyed the foods he prepared during weekends.

'How I miss our child’s laughter in this house!"   And I equally miss Tarek's laugh echoing through the walls as he ran around this house, chasing Timmy. 

“Hi, I cooked your favorite pasta marinara with roasted vegetables.  I hope you are hungry.”  He greeted me.  His hands were busy preparing the pasta noodles.  I sniffed the aroma of the marinara sauce simmering in the pot, and my stomach grumbled.

He turned off the stove. A knowing smile laced his lips when he faced me.  “C’mon, let us get you your dinner.”

Tarek slung his right arms casually over my shoulders to pull me close.  A foot shorter,  I need to raise my head to look at him.  He leaned down and gave me a gentle kiss on the side of my head while we were walking to the dining table.  

“Where did you go?’ He inquired after we were seated.  I debated whether to go honest or to tell a lie.  I chose a simple answer.

“I met with Amy.” He was putting food on my plate when I felt him stiffened.  He turned to me sharply. 

“And what crazy idea did she put in your head this time? He asked suspiciously.

I looked at him from the corner of my eyes, my body growing tense. I gripped my utensils. Suddenly, I felt charged over the brewing tension on the table. 

If it were up to me, I would have chosen a better time, but I think there would never be a perfect time except right now.

"She did not put any ideas in my head, crazy or whatever," I argued. Surprisingly, my voice is as calm as I am. 

He seemed satisfied with my answer, his shoulders relaxed. He looked at his plate, still half full before he continued eating. Only, he was unprepared for what I said next.

"She does not need to tell me things I already know," I added softly.

I heard the loud thud of his utensils when he violently dropped it on the table before he turned to me, his jaw twitching.

"I do not like where this is heading." Tarek snarled before he pulled his chair away from the table. The movement made a loud creaking sound. 

Tarek left that night. That is how he usually responds whenever I try to point out our situation to him.  Usually, I am the first one to give in.  But not this time.

A good two weeks had passed. The first week, Tarek never once got in touch with me.  And I did the same.  I controlled the urge to call him though I miss him so much. I tried to quell the need to see him, touch him, reach out to him.  

The second week, he had been calling me non-stop.  But I refused to take his call.  I even left our house and checked-in a hotel just to make sure that he could not find me.  

Inwardly, I am congratulating myself.  I am making progress.  I know a few more weeks, and I will get used to this.  I will slowly get Tarek out of my system.  I will just have to stick with my resolve. 

I was browsing on my social media account when I saw a tagged post - Tarek with the society princess Christine. Tarek is holding a toddler in his arms, while Christine is playing with the child. They are a picture of a happy family. 

I checked myself. There is still this dull pain as I looked at their picture. But it was not as intense as the one I felt when I first saw them together a year ago. My hands trembled when I traced Tarek’s face from my iPhone’s screen. I sucked in air and blew it loudly. I may not be okay now, but someday, I will be. 

A sullen Tarek greeted me when he arrived at our meeting place.  We were at Timmy’s mausoleum. It took me another week before I finally agreed to meet him.  

I was busy arranging the new toys I bought for Timmy. I purposely came in early to have enough time to talk to our dead son. I also wanted to ask for his help when I talked to his dad.

"I thought you will still ignore me," Tarek pouted his lips when I greeted him. He turned to Timmy's grave and complained to Timmy.

"Your mom is becoming stubborn, Timmy." He said to the grave sotto voce.

My eyes watered when he added teasingly, "But she's still beautiful, son.  The most beautiful."  I saw tenderness from the way Tarek looked at me.  He automatically surveyed my petite form - clad in a Sunny Yellow halter dress with a skirt that runs down to my knees and flares as I move.

I cleared my throat.  "I need to talk to you."

Tarek watched me as I closed the gap between us. He already occupied a chair near Timmy’s grave. I stopped a few good inches away. He opened his legs to make room for me, and then he put his arms around my waist and drew me close.  I cupped his chin so I could raise his head.  I felt his jaw tensed, and I met his questioning stare.

"You know I wouldn't leave without talking to you," I confessed.

"Hey, is this a goodbye speech?" Tarek asked in alarm.  He gripped my hand and brought it to his lips, kissing it - his usual style when he wanted my acquiesce.  Most of the time, I relented, I do not want to fight with him because we want the same thing.  But now, it is different. 

"I am sorry, Tarek, but I decided that I am choosing to love myself more." I finally admitted. I placed my hand on his shoulder.

"But what about me? You didn't even ask me if this is what I want." Tarek's face flushed as he spoke.  He tried to control his voice, but I can hear the suppressed anger there.

"You do not have a choice Tarek.." I shook my head sadly, my voice firm.

Seeing that he cannot change my mind, Tarek fired.  "I told you, I just need some time. I will file for an annulment, and we can remarry. We will settle somewhere far." And his voice broke at the last sentence.  

I saw tears pooled in his eyes as he pleaded, " Please, Adeline, I cannot lose you again." Tarek gripped my shoulders and pulled me close. I remained impassive in his embrace.

"No, we cannot go back, Tarek. We cannot continue to live in sin. I cannot just shut off my eyes and ignore the truth. I cannot just tell my heart to stop aching at the thought that I can touch you - make love to you,  but I can never have you." It felt good to say what is in my heart.  I was a coward before.  I do not want to make demands because I was willing to adjust.  I contented myself with whatever little time he can give me -scraps of attention. But now, I wanted more. 

“I realized I deserve more.” At this, my voice broke.

Tarek embraced me. His shoulders shook violently. “What about me?” Tarek asked like a lost boy. And we both cried.

When both of us calmed, Tarek pulled me away, but his hands continued to grip my shoulders. 

“I told you, I am willing to let them go. Why don't you believe me?” Tarek still tried to dissuade me.  But I willed myself not to be swayed. There are more important things in the equation than just us.

I shook my head.  “You already have Liam. Just be a good father to him. And take care of Christine, she is your wife now.” I told him sadly. 

“You know I do not love Christine.”  Tarek protested.  His eyes showed angry glints as he said this.

I shook my head.  “But you married her.” I reminded him gently.  A small smile curved my lips to take away the sting from my words.  There is no use to blaming each other now.

“Because my parents and her parents pressured me!  And because you asked for an annulment!  I was angry, Adeline,"  Tarek shouted.  The veins in his neck showed in his anger.

When he saw the hurt flashed in my eyes, he instantly reined in himself.  His expression softened. “And I was hurt.  I felt like a thrash you've thrown away when Timmy died.” He admitted.

I tightly shut my eyes as I felt regret washed over me.  I remember how I was before.  I know that much of what has happened between us is because of me.  I pushed Tarek away.

I felt Tarek’s body tightened, and I gripped his hands, willing him to understand.  “I am sorry,"  I told him, my voice soothing.

“But we cannot go on,"  My voice firm and resolute.

Tarek shook his head violently.  I heard him sniffing.  He would have stood up, but my hold on him was tight.

“You have to let me go," I told him.

“You no longer have an obligation to me. But you must be a good father to Liam and a good husband to Christine.” 

“Let us not break your family, too.  It is enough that we broke us before.  We must stop.” I added.  My voice is firm in my resolve to make things right this time.

“I love you, Adeline.  I do.”  Tarek wrapped his arms on my waist, hugging me close. His head lodged in my chest.  He sobbed uncontrollably. 

“We lost our chance, Tarek.  It’s time to let go and face the consequences of our choices.”  I heard the finality in my voice.  I can feel my heart breaking into a million tiny pieces.  I could barely breathe with the pain.

Ah, how can I let him go when all I wanted is to hold him in my arms, enfold him in my warm embrace.

But I can never tell him that.  Not now.  Not ever.

“Our story ends here, Tarek,"  I told him, my voice barely a whisper.

At last, Tarek spoke his voice heavy with tears.  "And where will you go?" 

“Don’t you worry about me.  I’ll get by.” I told him, a small smile playing at the corners of my lips.

Tarek attempted to return my smile, but it became a wince. I tenderly brushed his hair off his forehead before I looked him in the eye.  I took my fill.  I know this would be my last look.  I tried to memorize every detail of his face, so I will at least have my memories in my heart.

"I love you,"  I told him. 

Tarek pulled me close and kissed me one last time. He gave everything in that kiss. I tasted the sweet and the bitter, the happy and the sad, understanding, and gratitude.  I allowed myself to linger before he finally pulled away.  He brushed the back of his hand to his face to dry his tears.  

He looked at me.  Fresh tears were gathering in his eyes as he held my hand to his chest.  I touched his face with my other hand.  He captured my wandering hand and brought it to his lips to kiss the knuckles, all the while holding the other one close to his heart to feel its pound.

He sucked in air and blew it loud.  “I love you.  I will always love you.” He told me before he let me go and walked away.

I watched him go.  Every step he takes away from me feels like a knife stab that cuts through the very core of my being.  And I cannot help the tears that ran unchecked on my face. I gasped in air and then because I could not hold it any longer.  I gave in.  I cried my heart out.  It feels like it has been ripped from my chest.  The grief is so excruciating.  I do not care if anybody might hear me. I bawled like a wounded animal.  

I let the pain coursed through every fiber of my being.  I can feel my heart breaking - like it has been smashed and broken into pieces. Half of me wanted to take back everything that I have said.  When I was just planning this in my head, everything was painful but bearable. Now that it is finally happening, I felt unprepared for the onslaught of feelings that gripped me.  I felt dying inside. As I watched him go, I realized that this will be the last time that I will ever see him again, touch him again, and it made my heart spasmed in a violent protest. I almost took a step to go after him, but I cannot find my strength.  I was too spent. 

My bawling turned to hiccups and sniffles.  Then, a tiny voice in my head told me that I did right.  An unexplainable feeling of peace comforted me in its enveloping embrace.  I felt the burgeoning of hope slowly settled in my chest.  

I looked at Timmy’s tomb and then at the dark skies outside where I can see the moon hiding its other half, much like I am right now.  

I know someday, I will look back to this moment and say that I loved truly and unselfishly; and I will always be thankful that once in my life, I was loved by him.

I uttered a silent thanks. I know that the months ahead will be a struggle.  But I am sure I can do it. And I let out a loud sigh before I placed my hand on my belly. 

“We can do it, my little one.  You and mommy.  You will be the most important reminder of your mom and dad’s love.”