Susan woke and reached out her hand for him, she lifted her head when she realised that he wasn’t there. She pulled on her dressing gown and walked downstairs and into the kitchen, but he wasn’t there, she turned to leave when her eyes caught sight of him. He was sat on one of the small walls in the garden with his back to the kitchen window. She watched and poured herself a coffee. She thought about joining him but was still upset about the previous day’s events, and embarrassed.
She was embarrassed that she had been found out and knew that once her mother found out things would not go well for her. She was convinced that no one understood how she felt. She was in pain, such pain that she had never felt before, and it felt like a real physical pain, even though she knew that it was in her heart. She felt like she couldn’t go on, she didn’t want to go on, but she couldn’t tell anyone. She also knew that she was slowly destroying her relationship with her husband, who, she knew was also hurting. She knew how much he missed her, she knew that he still wanted her, she missed being close to him, it pained her so much to see how hard he was trying, but, inside, well, it just wasn’t there.
She sipped at her coffee and looked at the back of his head, ‘he’d be better off without me’. She finished her coffee and wiped a tear from her eye, she got up and rinsed her cup before placing it in the dishwasher. Outside, Alan watched as a pair of blue tits fed from one of the feeders that were placed around the garden, he heard the water empty into the drain behind him, ‘she’s up, I wonder how she will be today?’ he thought as he got up and wandered into the kitchen.
She had left and gone back upstairs, he left his cup in the dishwasher and walked to the foot of the stairs and called up to tell her that he was going out for a run.
“What about work?”
“I’ve spoken to Richard, everything’s under control, I told him I am going to stay with you today. I’ve called her mother and told her that I will be here today, so she can have a day off.”
It was still a regular occurrence that someone would be with Susan for most of the days, to keep her company and help her with chores, and after her admission, he knew that she couldn’t be left alone.
“Okay, have fun!” She replied, her voice sounded okay to him.
It was a lovely bright morning, and, when he returned, some forty-five minutes later he was breathing heavily and red-faced. He stopped in the drive, bent over, his hands on his knees as he tried to get his breathing back under control, ‘Man, I am so unfit!’
The first thing that he noticed when he stepped into the house was the music, the radio was on. He found her in the kitchen, surrounded by pots and pans, she was cooking. She turned when he walked in.
“Did you have a good run?”
He told her that he did, she explained that she’d called her sister, and they were coming over for lunch. He was surprised, to say the least, she told him that she wanted to apologise to them for the previous day, then she sent him upstairs to get a shower.
“I need you back here to help me.”
When he returned, she put him to work, he prepared the chicken and put it in the oven, then, when everything was prepared, he took her hand and they sat at the table.
“Listen, about yesterday,” she stopped him,
“Stop. Remember how you told me to stop apologising?”
He nodded, “Well, that goes for you too.”
She leaned over and kissed him softly on the lips,
They enjoyed a lovely lunch. Afterwards, they sat outside, and she sat with Tom and Linda as he played with Becky on the swing that he’d erected the previous year.
When they left, they spent the rest of the evening laid on the couch and watched old re-runs of ‘Fool’s and Horses’ and ‘Dad’s Army’. It felt just like the old days, and as he stroked her hair as she lay beside him, he wondered if he’d dare hope that they had turned a corner.
The next month proved to him that things hadn’t changed that much, he mood swings were as large as before, she had long periods of darkness, there were days where he hardly saw her at all until he went to bed. She spent long periods either sleeping or laying in the darkened bedroom. Even her mother couldn’t persuade her to go to see her doctor, everyone was becoming increasingly worried about her.
Alan began to look forward to going to work, and he felt so guilty that he felt happier there than he did at home. It wasn’t her fault, he knew that but he was way out of his depth, and he was floundering, but he couldn’t bring himself to follow their doctor’s advice and force her to get the help she needed by sectioning her.
It was the end of the week, and Alan returned home from work, her mother was waiting for him when he got home.
“Where is she?”
“She’s okay Alan, she’s sleeping.”
She told him that she had found her stood in their daughter’s bedroom, staring at the empty cot, and when she tried to get her to leave, she got really upset. Alan told her that it wasn’t the first time that she’d done that, he’d found her in there several times before.
“Maybe you should talk to her about doing something with the room, it’s a constant reminder of what you have both lost?” She suggested.
Alan sighed, “I’ve tried, but that only made her worse.”
“You need to be strong Alan, I’ll talk to her if you like. I love my daughter very much but she’s not so different to when she hit puberty Alan, I know how to handle her, and, she knows it, so she may shout and stamp her feet, but she knows that I will eventually prevail.”
He sighed, but she wasn’t finished, she held out her hand.
“I found these behind the tumble drier.”
Alan looked, it was a plastic bag with some of her pills inside. He stared back at her. He was going to ask what she was doing looking behind the drier, but he just stared at the pills as her mother continued.
“Alan, this is serious, she’s hoarding them! You know what that means?”
He lifted his eyes and stared at her, he couldn’t speak.
“There’s only one reason that someone would hoard pills like these.”
He nodded, he knew the reason, he just couldn’t bring himself to say the word.
He pottered around downstairs after her mother had left. He wanted to put off going upstairs to face her, he had no idea what he was going to say to her. Eventually, he crept upstairs and quietly opened the bedroom door, she was laid on her side, her back to him. He walked around the bed and gently slipped onto the bed and lay facing her.
He watched her, he recalled the first time he had set eyes upon her in that crowded pub in Newcastle. He couldn’t take his eyes off her, eventually, he would realise that it was her eyes, they captivated him. She had caught him staring at her, she just smiled at him and continued to talk to her friends. It would be a couple of weeks before he eventually caught up with her again and to his delight, she was single, and, she agreed to go out with him on a date. As he reminisced, he reached out and brushed his fingers across her arm, her skin was still so soft, and as he stroked her, he began to feel sad again, his beautiful bubbly wife, so full of life, was now, this sad, broken woman. He wanted his wife back, but he had to admit, he had no idea how to get her to come back to him. As he caressed her, she slowly began to stir and slowly, she opened her eyes. He smiled at her.
She smiled at him, “You’re back! What time is it?”
“I came home early, I’m sorry I didn’t mean to wake you.”
She slid closer to him and he slid his arm under her head as she rested her head on his chest. She sighed, she had always loved to lie like that, her head on his chest, she slipped her arm around his waist and pulled him closer to her, as she did, she let out a soft moan. They lay there in silence for about half an hour, he wasn’t sure if she had fallen asleep again, and he was enjoying the closeness he didn’t want to move anyway. He glanced at the clock, it was after six, he gently shook her,
“Come on honey, we should get up, or we won’t be able to sleep tonight.”
She moaned, and stretched out, her top stretched tight across her body, he could see that she had lost more weight than she had put on when pregnant, but she still looked so beautiful. As she finished her stretch she looked into his eyes, for a few moments they just stared into each other’s eyes, no words were spoken, he leaned over, and they kissed.
He didn’t know what was happening, he hadn’t expected this, but soon they were pulling at each other’s clothes and breathing heavily. He stopped thinking about it and just let himself go. He stared at her naked beauty, she’d lost far too much weight, but she was still his beautiful wife, the love of his life.
She reached down and wrapped her fingers around his cock. He groaned it had been so long since he’d felt that, and he had begun to think that he might never feel that again. She worked her fingers along his hard shaft as he pushed her back onto the bed. This wasn’t the time for gentle, romantic sex. This was the time for lust-driven, passionate and wild sex.
She fell onto the bed and he followed her. He pushed her legs apart and knelt between them. She was panting, her eyes fixed on him, she begged him to fuck her. She was possessed, she wanted this as much as he did. He leaned forward and guided himself into her. She moaned and threw her head back as he slid inside her and she wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled him down, as her feet wrapped around his legs and locked behind him.
They kissed as he began to thrust in and out of her. The atmosphere was electric The room was filled with the sounds of hot, passionate sex. She moaned and cried out as he began to fuck her hard. She dug her fingers into his back as he quickened and started to slam into her.
They hadn’t had sex like this for years, this wasn’t ‘making-love’, this was ‘fucking’. There was no other word to describe it. She moved with him and her moans and cries were synchronised with his thrusts, he groaned and grunted as he only had one thing on his mind, and that was to satisfy his lust.
He didn’t last long, and as he thrust harder and faster he felt his orgasm rise and well up. It rushed towards him and overpowered him, he cried out and pushed one last time and held himself inside her as he filled her with his cum. He lay on her as he twitched inside of her and emptied himself into her. They lay together in each other’s arms as they recovered, both panting as they tried to get their breath back.
Finally, he rolled off her and lay beside her. It was all over far too quickly, and as they lay naked in each other’s arms, trying to recover, neither of them knew what to say. Eventually, she broke the silence.
“That was like our first time all over again.”
He chuckled, “Yeah, it was a bit all arms and legs, and frantic, and over all too soon.”
They lay together and slowly drifted off to sleep.
They ate a pizza that evening and for the first time in a long time, they talked. They talked about everything, about his work, about their niece. She said that she and her mum were getting along well, despite her constantly checking up on her. He knew he had to talk to her about the pills, but he didn’t want to destroy the moment.
When they went up to bed she slipped her arms around his waist and they kissed. She lifted her face and looked into his eyes.
“Make love to me my darling.”
He smiled and lay her down on the bed and began to cover her body in soft, gentle kisses. She moaned and let her arms lay above her head and she gave him free access to her body.
He began by kissing and caressing her breasts, and as she moaned and writhed under his attention he slowly slid down her body until he lay between her legs. She gasped and grabbed his head as he made contact with his mouth. His lips and tongue remembered what she liked and he licked, caressed and nibbled her labia and her clitoris. She moaned and ground herself against his mouth as he kept his efforts concentrated on her pussy.
Soon he had her moaning and writhing on the bed as he brought her towards her inevitable orgasm. When it hit her she cried out loud, she released all the months of pent-up frustration and she screamed. She clamped his head between her thighs and rocked from side-to-side as her body tensed and shook as an intense orgasm flowed through her body.
Eventually, it subsided and she slowly released the pressure on his head and he looked up at her and smiled. He slid up her body and lay on her and they kissed. She moaned and her hands held him against her.
He reached down and guided himself into her. She moaned softly as he slid gently into her. She slid her feet around his thighs and they began to move together. This time slow and gentle, this time it was how they always used to do it.
It was as if they had gone back to when before she was pregnant. She felt so familiar to him, they moved instinctively, each knowing what the other wanted, and what the other was going to do. He pushed slowly into her and she moaned and gripped his neck with each long thrust. As they made love he was filled with sensations that he had missed all these months and he wondered, he hoped that she had turned a corner.
Eventually, she felt him become a little more erratic, he was close again. She ground herself against him as they both quickened their pace and then she felt him grow inside her just before she felt the first spurt as he started to come inside her. She moaned and buried her face into his neck as she felt his warm seed flow into her. She gripped him with her thighs as he jerked inside of her and he groaned.
Afterwards, he stared at the ceiling, she was asleep on his arm, he listened to her breathing as she slowly drifted off to sleep.
‘Is this a change? Was all this an act? Does she know that her mother found her pills?’
He knew that he had to confront her, he also knew how she’d react. But for the moment, he was going to enjoy what had happened, and pray that it was real and that it was the beginning of the end of their nightmare.
He woke the following morning, it took him a few moments to gather his thoughts, ‘did last night happen or was it all a dream?’ He slowly turned his head to his left and he saw a mop of blonde hair laid on his arm, the sheet was halfway down their bodies, and he could see that she was naked. He allowed himself a smile, ‘I didn’t dream it, it was all real!’ He watched her sleep and wondered what was next. He immediately remembered the pills, and he hated himself for thinking that the previous night was all done to distract him.
He closed his eyes and berated himself for thinking so negatively. Last night was wonderful, there was no reason why it couldn’t lead to a return to normality, in time, but, try as he might, he couldn’t shake the feeling that it was all done to keep him happy and off her back.
He was sat at the kitchen table when she eventually came down when she walked into the kitchen, she could tell that something was wrong. He asked her to sit down as he poured her a coffee. Before she could say anything, he placed the polythene bag of pills onto the table and looked at her. She stared at them, then lifted her eyes to his.
“I’m waiting, Susan.”
Her eyes filled with tears as she began to plead her case.
“You have no idea how I feel when I take them, Alan! It’s like my body isn’t mine anymore, I’m tired all the time, I feel numb, I have constant headaches, everything’s a blur to me!”
He listened, and when she was done, he picked up the packet.
“So why keep them, honey? Why not flush them down the loo? Is there a reason that you kept them?”
She was silent for a few seconds then she exploded, she screamed at him that everyone was checking up on her, she was never alone, she hated her life.
“I wish I was dead!” She screamed.
It was hard for him to listen, but at last, she was being honest. When she stopped, he took her hand.
“And last night? Was any of that real?”
She glared at him and pulled her hand from his, she jumped up and ran upstairs.
He stared at the open door for a while.
“Good job Alan! Way to go and be sensitive!”
He looked up at the ceiling and wondered if he should follow, he decided against it, she needed to be alone.