JUGGLING the three grocery bags in my arms, I pushed the apartment door open with my back, snatched the key from the doorknob then stepped inside. I was about to kick the same door shut when the iPhone in my bag vibrated. Based on the short tremor, it was undoubtedly just a text message and not a phone call.

I crossed the five-meter distance between the main door and the kitchen, carefully placing the brown grocery bags on the small dining table before fishing out my iPhone.

It is, indeed, a text message. And it’s from Jake.

< Hey, ‘you busy? Can I come over tonight? ‘You craving for anything?>

Sighing, I sat on the white Formica chair and contemplated on what to reply. The old me would have replied positively right away. In the blink of an eye. Without thinking. Without any second thoughts.

But as I was driving from the grocery store earlier, I had a short epiphany. (It doesn't take a genius to deduce that that epiphany was prompted by that erotic dream I had last night.) There, as I navigated through the semi-deserted streets of Manila, I realized that for the past few years, I have been letting my world revolve around Jake. Hence the attraction that was going deeper and deeper. Hence the erotic dream.

I winced. Erotic dream. I really should refrain from using the word 'erotic' to describe my dream last night. It was just a dream. But, nonetheless, a dream that seems to be telling me something.

Dreaming of having a make-out session with Jake was no laughing matter. I am no expert but my gut tells me that if I did not take full rein of my thoughts and emotions, my feelings for Jake might turn into a full-blown obsession.

I frowned. That seemed far-fetched. My overactive imagination was probably just exaggerating.

But what if it did? What if I suddenly feel an uncontrollable urge to stalk Jake? Watch his every move… send death threats to a current girlfriend, maybe?

Again, I frowned. He had no real girlfriends, in the truest sense of the word. He just went out on dates. The last serious relationship he had was four years ago. It ended badly. It left him devastated. I should know. I was there.

Kylie, his girlfriend of two years left him for another guy. Jake had been too busy with his career and that did not sit well with Kylie. She looked for happiness elsewhere and found one guy who was willing to give her the attention she never got from Jake.

Jake was never the same again after Kylie. He used to be loyal... a one-woman-type of guy. Now, it would be a miracle for him to date the same girl twice – a trivial fact that leaves me both hopeful and frustrated.

Hopeful, because it meant that he was not interested to be in a serious relationship... at least not yet. Not in the near future.

Frustrated because he had been dating every girl he met... except me. And what a big blow that was to my ego!

I would have to admit I had numerous bouts with self-pity because of that. It took a long while before I was able to convince myself that it was not my fault that Jake only sees me as his friend. That I just a bit unlucky to fall in love with my best friend.

Accepting the possibility, though, that the two of us are just meant to have a platonic relationship forever was a totally different ballgame. A tad more complicated. I am having a very difficult time letting go of the thought that the two of us could someday become more than friends. Hell, I’ve been dreaming about that!

It was just so sad that I am the only one who dreams about a future for the both of us. That I was the only one who keeps on realigning plans just to be with him? The opportunities that passed me by just because any change could mean not being with Jake all the time? That I had to endure my parents constant nagging because of my endless excuses about not being able to join them in Australia just yet? Just the other night, my dad gave me an ultimatum. They took the liberty of booking a one-way ticket for me. It was dated December. As if they were so sure that all borders will be open and all lockdowns will be lifted by that time.

I printed the ticket to appease them. I just don't know if I'll ever have the strength to use it. It would mean leaving the life I've been living for the past few years since they left me. My job. This apartment. Jake...

I understand where my parents are coming from. They are not getting any younger. They needed me.

Sighing, I placed my iPhone on the dining table. What if that dream last night was a sign? A sign sent by the Great Heavens to tell me that it was about time I seriously consider getting Jake out my life. Out of my system. Completely. Totally.

I stood up and took out the groceries from the brown paper bags. I opened the cupboard and placed the canned goods, instant noodles in cups and the bags of chips inside. I was about to open the fridge’s crisper for the veggies when my iPhone rang.

I don’t even have to look at my phone to check who the caller is. I just knew it would be Jake. I ignored the phone call.

I can't think of any single moment that I ignored a phone call from Jake. I have always been at his beck and call. I keep on answering his phone calls and text messages... I keep on seeing him, forever hoping and praying that a miracle comes by and he suddenly see me as a woman and a yes, potential lover.

The possibility of 'that' happening, though, is way lower than the possibility of me dying an old maid and a virgin.

I shuddered at the thought. I want a family of my own. And that is one thing I will never have if I kept on waiting for Jake to love me back.

Sighing, I bent a little to put the carrots and broccoli in the fridge’s crisper.

Taking into consideration everything that has been happening, it was only a matter of time before I turn into a pathetic loser because of unrequited love. Before I lose my mind.

For self-preservation... to keep my sanity, I really should start getting Jake out of my system. The sooner, the better. Little by little. And the best way to start would be to ignore that phone call. Yes, that would be a good way to start.

I straightened my back and walked to the dining table to get the eggs. But before I got to reach the eggs, I accidentally glanced at the ringing iPhone.

There, on the screen, was Jake’s gorgeous face. That shot was taken during one of our weekly... sometimes twice a week... catching-up sessions.

He was barely smiling on the photo but his dimples could clearly be seen. And just looking at his eyes... eyes that seem to have the knack to bore into my very soul... my heart began to pound.

Am I really capable of ignoring this sinfully gorgeous guy? Maybe. There are a lot of guys more gorgeous than him. Smarter than him. Nicer than him. I am just totally oblivious to everyone around me because I am totally focused on Jake.

I took a deep breath. Maybe I can take this one phone call and tell him I’m busy. That I can’t see him tonight. That he should stop texting me.

I picked up the phone. “Hey,” I said trying my very best to sound nonchalant.

“Are you okay, Mia?”

I could feel my brows creasing at the question. “What makes you think I’m not okay?”

“You did not reply to my text, so I figured...” he let his voice trail off. “So, I called. Are you sure you’re okay?”

“Aren’t you supposed to be in a meeting?” I asked him instead of answering his question. I remember him telling me last night that he had a meeting with the head honcho of a big conglomerate. Jake was the head engineer for the conglomerate's new skycscraper that will be built somewhere in the business district in the southern part of Manila.

“I just stepped out for a sec to call you. You got me worried.”

I bit my lower lip. Jake stepped out of a very important meeting just because he was worried about me? I would be a rock to not be touched by such a gesture. I smiled, only to frown again when I suddenly remembered my plan to avoid him. I could not let anything sway my resolve. “Why are you texting during meetings?”

“I sent the message before they came in. You didn’t reply. You always replied right away. I got worried. I asked for a minute. Boss got me covered, though.”

“Go back to the meeting,” I said. But the butterflies in my tummy had already started flying. Floating... joyfully. “You might get fired.”

He chuckled. “Me? Fired? Not gonna happen, Mia. Not in a million years.”

I rolled my eyes at the overflowing confidence.

How Jake could manage to be cocky and yet sound like he was not bragging at all was really beyond me. Part of the charm of an oh-so charming man, I guess. A quality that was nearly impossible to resist.

I smiled. “Thin crust pizza,” I said before I could stop myself. “I’m craving for thin crust pizza with lots and lots of cheese.”

I sighed. Have I mentioned that I, sometimes, have a non-existent willpower?

***to be continued***