“Bryant?” My voice echoed through the dark. I don’t know why I’m calling out to him but something in me told me to and I decided to go with it. My heart was heavy in my chest and I struggled to inhale a deep breath to calm myself from succumbing to the sadness buried in me.

My breath hitched in my throat when I saw the darkness lifting and a scenery took its place and I could feel tears threatening to break through. I remember this, I thought silently as I tried to contain the sobs that was dangerously rising. I have to be strong. Don’t let them see you weak. Don’t give them that satisfaction. You’re strong. You’re strong. I chanted inside my head as I watch the scene unravel.

There was a swimming pool in the middle of a familiar backyard. I watched as a girl ran towards it in her swimming suit, chased by a boy no older than 8 running behind her. She squealed in glee when the boy was close enough to reach her and took a fleeting decision and jumped into the pool.

She realized what she did too late and soon, she was panicking and fighting for air. She couldn’t swim.

Lucky for the girl, arms wrapped around her small body and the next second, she was greeted by fresh air and found that she was able to breathe again as she coughed out water through her tear stricken state. The boy held her in his arms as she gulped for air and rubbed her back soothingly.

He cooed at her and silenced her with soothing words. “Shh now, Casey. Nothing bad is going to happen to you as long as I’m here. I won’t let anything happen to you. Shush now, little Casey, everything’s gonna be alright. Promise me you will be strong. Be strong for me and don’t cry, Casey.”

I remember nodding to his words and promising him that I’ll stay strong no matter what happens.

I choked and felt myself die slowly inside. Hearing his voice and watching this unravel was so vivid, it was almost like it’s not just a part of my mind playing tricks on me.

My heart felt like someone was plunging a stake through, piercing it slowly before letting me breathe for a while and started twisting it slowly in a painstaking and excruciating way.

I watched as the girl laughed at what her brother said to her and all sadness was erased from her little chubby face. She was okay now, as long as her brother is there, she’s not afraid anymore. He is her rock. Her world. Her everything.

Time fast-forwarded itself and the girl was now pinching her nose and scrunching up her face as she lied horizontally on her brother’s hands, half submerged in water. Her brother was teaching her how to keep herself afloat and despite her love for her brother, she was scared of drowning again. The feel of panic underwater was not something she wish to feel ever again.

“Relax your limbs, Case. You won’t be able to float if you’re so tense.” Bryant scolded her, well me but yeah, you get it.

She was hesitant but after a second, she let go of the breath she was holding and did as she was told to do. She was trusting her brother and basically laying out her life on his hands.

After minutes of floating, mulling over the times when her brother told her to trust him, she felt the absence of a pair of hands under her and was boozed with complete excitement when she realized she was floating by her own.

“Bry! Bry! I’m-” She lost her balance and a look of sheer terror and panic crossed her face but just like he promised, he caught her the second half of her face was submerged underwater.

He laughed joyfully while the girl coughed lightly but grinned widely at him, showing a missing tooth that she lost not long ago.

Anyone could see the love in the boy’s eyes and everyone could see the admiration and adoration in the girl’s eyes directed for him.

I laughed lightly as my memory played how clumsy and chubby I was. I was about to cover my mouth to hold in a giggle but realized that my cheeks were no longer dry. I was crying.

My giggle dissipated as I watched them both disappear and the darkness return.

Another scene took place and now, I was facing a crowd. Everywhere I look, there were headstones. My visions blurred as I realized what I’m about to witness and my throat was as dry as a sandpaper. My heart felt like it was held in a death grip and I could feel my whole being tremble.

I approached the crowd and every step I took, I felt my heart starting to beat louder and louder until it all stopped and silence took over, towering over me like a shadow. My eyes were solely trained on the headstone everyone was looking upon and tears prickled my eyes as they slid down my cheeks.

The dates of his birth and death was engraved on the stone and I could feel my knees giving out under me and hit the ground. My hands were in fists and I cried. I cried and cried. I faced the sky and sobbed, silently asking God on what I did to have my brother taken from me.

No one would understand, no one. He was the only one who cared enough to find out why I looked sad. He was the only one who would buy me a chocolate bar and tell me it’s okay when I come in his room crying from a nightmare in the middle of the night.

I was once again engulfed in the darkness. I looked down at my palms that was rested on my thighs and continued to sob. Tears were still streaming down my face but I didn’t bother to wipe it away.

I’m sorry, Bry. I’m sorry that I’m being weak. I’m sorry that I can’t be strong. I’m sorry Bry.