"What is stronger than the human heart which shatters over and over and still lives?"

- Rupi Kaur

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Saturday came crashing out of nowhere and before I knew it I was at Betty's Cafe getting ready to open the door for the people here to perform tonight at the open mic night.

I was so busy scrambling around the place testing the microphones and setting out the signup sheets that I had missed Samantha call my name.

"Mia." She called.

My head snapped in her direction and I saw her wave me over, I instantly thought I had messed something up and she was going lecture me about it. When I reached her she pulled me off to the side and put a hand on my shoulder.

"Are you okay?" She asked giving me a concerned look.

"Yeah, I'm great," I told her. "Are you okay?" I asked giving her my own worried look.

Samantha laughed at me and nodded her head which instantly made feel better, I hadn't messed up yet.

"You just seem anxious." She told me.

"I'm just a little nervous," I informed her, pushing a strand of hair behind my ear.

"Okay, I'm really nervous," I told her the truth.

"You'll do great, don't worry." She tried to reassure me.

But not worrying is a lot hard than it sounds, telling somebody who has worry deeply embedded into their roots "not to worry" is like telling someone who is bleeding to stop, it's pretty much impossible.

I knew Samantha only meant well with what she said so I just nodded my head and returned doing my chores before she opened the floodgate to the crowd of people standing outside.

I tried my best to act normal like my body wasn't trying to dry heave or my skin wasn't crawling or there wasn't bile trying to work it's way up my throat. I hated the fact my nerves always made mundane tasks feel like it was the end of the world and in my head, it might as well be.

I constantly reminded myself to breathe because somehow I forgot how to do it naturally.

Please calm down. Please calm down. Please calm down.

I kept chanting those three words in my head, almost like a ritual, I mentally begged myself to stop overreacting. The night hasn't even begun and I was already a mess.

I dimmed the lighting in the cafe making it feel more comfortable and I admit, the darkness seemed more settling, I could easily hide somewhere in shadows where no one could see me.

I knew once the night progressed my anxiety would calm down, I could blend in with the people around me and I wouldn't feel so exposed.

I had just finished brewing a pitcher of tea when I heard the bells on the door jingle, letting me know people were pouring into the midsize establishment. I watched as people came in carrying guitars and notebooks, I think I even saw a girl bring in a violin.

My anxiousness seemed to get drowned out by the loud talking of the hoard in the room. The tightness in my chest released slightly and the self-deprecating feeling left for now. I was glad I didn't suffer from claustrophobia because I'd be in hell right about now.

There were people everywhere, some sitting in chairs chatting with one another, some were standing around the small makeshift stage in the corner of the room waiting to write their names on the signup sheets.

However, my nervousness quickly came back when I saw the line that was starting to form at the bar, waiting for someone to take their orders. I took a few deep breaths before forcing a friendly smile on my face and going behind the bar and taking care of the line that was progressively growing.

I probably served out more hot chocolates than I could count along with various types of coffee that I didn't know existed until today.

What the hell was a pumpkin spice latte?

*****

I admit I overreacted earlier, not that I could have stopped it regardless but it did make me feel embarrassed. I was embarrassed that I couldn't control the one thing that only I had the power of; my body.

I was currently standing behind the bar watching the acts perform one after another. There were some really good ones like the boy who sung Coldplay or the standup comedian that made me laugh several times well, at least giggle.

Right now, there was a girl on stage singing an original song she wrote when she was thirteen, it sounded pretty good as well. I couldn't help but wonder what it felt like to be that fearless, to put everything out in the open, to put yourself out in the open.

To have dozens of eyes on you, watching your every move, critiquing everything you say. I envy people like that, who are undeniably true to themselves inside and out, the thought alone puts chills in my bones.

I envy people who are exactly who they are supposed to be, the people who've known who they were since birth. The people who don't think about the time that's so certainly slipping right through their fingers or that everyone they love so dearly will someday be gone.

"Are you stalking me?" A sarcastic voice says, taking my attention away from the girl on stage.

My eyes widened at the sight of Clayton standing right in front of me with a knowing grin on his face. Clayton didn't strike me as a small coffee shop type of guy so it was strange that I'd see him here.

"I could ask you the same thing," I said giving him a weird look.

"Oh, don't flatter yourself," He said giving me his own look.

"What are you doing here?" I asked him.

"I've been coming here for months." He told me pointing to the acoustic guitar that was leaning against the wall.

"You play?" I raised my eyebrows in surprise.

"I got my first guitar on my eighth birthday and I've been playing since."

"That's actually really cool," I told him honestly.

Clayton nodded his head proudly, his eyes settling on the candy jar that Samantha had sat out earlier, it was filled with mints and those butterscotch candies that you always see in the houses of older people, at least Ada always had them stashed around her house.

"Do you want a piece?" I asked grabbing the jar and opening the lid.

Clayton nodded his head and reached in and grabbed a couple of pieces and by a couple I mean a handful. He smiles cheekily at me before plopping a butterscotch into his mouth and putting the rest into his jacket pocket.

"Are you playing tonight?" I looked up at him putting a piece of candy into my mouth.

"Yeah, I'm after Delaney," Clayton told me nodding his head towards the performing girl.

"So, have you connected the dots?" He asked narrowing his eyes slightly.

"What dots am I suppose to be connecting?" I gave him an exasperated look.

"Why are you here, Mia?" Clayton asks watching me intently.

"Because this is my job?" I said my voice sounding more like a question than a statement

"Not here, Mia, for fuck's sake." He said slightly annoyed.

"Here as in Colorado." He said in a "duh" tone.

I was about to tell him that I'm here because I was forced to be here, that I had nowhere else to go but before I had the chance the room filled with clapping and Clayton's name was being called on stage by Samantha.

"Wish me luck." He winked before grabbing his guitar and started pushing past the small crowd towards the stage.

I've noticed a rather annoying trend with the people here, they all leave you with more questions than answers.

I heard Clayton ramble on about few things into the mic but I wasn't really paying attention, I still thinking about the conversation we just had. But when I heard him start strumming away on his instrument my ears perked up at the sound.

My jaw almost dropped when I heard him start singing, I immediately recognized the song it was How to Save a Life by The Fray. My stomach twisted in knots, I hated this song. It always reminded me of my mom.

Clayton did have an extremely nice voice, it was a nice mix of soft and raspy. He kept his eyes closed while singing, his finger still strumming away on the guitar. If Clayton were a color he'd be olive green, he seemed down to earth yet there is something so rotten about him lying right underneath the surface.

*****

The night came to an end smooth and painlessly, for the most part, the day wasn't as terrible as I thought it was going to be. I only felt like running out of the building like five times, so not as bad as I thought.

Samantha and I spent half an hour cleaning the mess around the cafe, putting chairs in their rightful places, washing coffee machines, and sweeping floors. It was almost ten o'clock at night before she told me I could go home and when she did, I practically ran out the door before she changed her mind.

I walked outside excepting to see Kina's small yellow car waiting for me because I messaged her earlier if she could pick me up from work but instead came faced with Axel's black Mustang. I could barely see him through the tint on his window but I did see his silhouette. For some strange reason, I found myself glad that it was him here instead of Kina.

I opened the door and got into the car scaring Axel in the process, I think he was deep in thought and hadn't seen me come out of Betty's.

"Where's Kina?" I asked as he started the car.

"Rylan didn't want Kina leaving by herself this late." He told me.

I sat back in my seat surprised that Rylan would say that. I couldn't help the smile that came across my lips at the thought, it was only a matter of time before Rylan sees how great Kina is and be lost in la-la land.

"Why didn't Rylan come to pick me up?" I looked over at Axel.

"Like I would let that happen." He said giving me a pointed look.

Silence fall over us, the only noise was the quiet humming of the car. Axel's eyes were glued to the dark streets ahead of us while my eyes were glued to him.

"Are we ever going to talk about it?" I asked my voice interrupting the quiet around us.

"About what?" He grunts.

"Everything!" I threw my hands up and let them fall to my thighs.

"No." He said simply.

My only response was a loud, annoyed sigh and the shake of my head. I turned to the window and looked up towards the stars, it was a partly cloudy night so I couldn't see much but it was enough.

"What's on your mind, Mia?" I hear him ask me.

I just shook my head and continued staring out the window, I didn't really feel like talking anymore.

"C'mon tell me." He said.

I shook my head again but this time I bit down on my tongue so words didn't come flying out my mouth uncontrollably. My gaze was fixed on the dark clouds that were floating away but I wasn't really paying them much attention.

"Angel, tell me." He pressed and I gave up.

"There is a weight on my chest." I try to explain looking over at him.

"And sometimes it's so heavy I can barely breathe," I said feeling anxiety rattle my insides.

"But when I look at you, I feel relief." Axel looked over at me and our eyes connected.

"I'm still trying to decide if that's a good thing or not." My eyes dropped to my hands.

I waited for what felt like forever for him to say something and finally he did.

"I can't be the person you need me to be Mia, I don't know how to be. I don't know how to love you like you need to be loved." His voice was smooth but I saw the way his hands gripped the wheel.

My head snapped towards him, he had his eyebrows knitted tightly together almost making a unibrow.

"Can I tell you a secret?" I ask.

Axel nodded his head, his eyes never looking away from the road.

"Neither do I."