"I am both happy and sad at the same time, and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be."

- Stephen Chbosky

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I'm not suicidal, I would never purposefully hurt myself, other people did that well enough already. But there are days I wished I had never woken up in the morning or I'd hoped a city bus would take pity on me and turn me into a human-sized pancake.

I'm happy to announce, today was not one of those days. I woke up feeling good, great even. I had finally gotten a full nights sleep without suffering from any bad dreams, I woke up and there were no dried tears or a sore throat.

I count that as a win.

I was lying unmoving in bed with Axel's arms around me still. I was dumbfounded that he had yet to escape to his own room, which I thought for sure he was going too. I figured once he woke up, no longer drunk, he'd be long gone.

But he was still here.

I looked over at him and an unfamiliar emotion washed through me, I found myself glad, maybe even relieved that Axel was still here. I couldn't tell you exactly what I was feeling even if I tried, but the sight of him sleeping peacefully made my heart swell uncontrollably.

My heart did what now?

The feeling was warm and filled with yearning and I couldn't help but feel slightly attached to the gorgeous, unconscious boy next to me. I couldn't tell if I felt this way because of my confused feeling towards Axel or if it was simply because I was tired of being lonely.

And when I was with Axel, I was anything but lonely.

I can't even think properly when it comes to him. His eyes and actions say one thing but the words from his mouth say another, so just when I think I understood Axel, he changes in the blink of an eye leaving me in more of a mess than before.

I think he might feel the same, even though I knew he would never admit it out loud. We're like a carousel, going around in circles with each other, neither of us was going to tell the other how we felt.

At least I certainly wasn't.

But there was no way Axel felt nothing for me, even though that's what he wants me to believe. If he didn't at least like me, why would he be here right now?

You sound ridiculous, he was drunk.

I brushed my thoughts away with a sigh, maybe it was for the best if things stayed the way they were now. My life was already complicated and a relationship wouldn't really help with that situation, not to mention, my past relationships didn't go so well either.

I just needed to focus on getting back to New York, that's what is really important. Rose has been a blessing for allowing me into her house and caring for me the way she has, I knew that. But my life was there, in the Big Apple, and my life I mean mom. All I have left of her were broken memories of what she used to be.

I'm hoping by traveling back to my childhood home or even the park down the street from the apartment we had to live in when we couldn't afford the house because her medication was just too expensive, would somehow make me feel closer to her.

I know that probably sounded like crazy talk, but I had to at least try. I decided right then and there that after my junior year when I turn 18, I'd be leaving. Which in all honesty wasn't that far away at all.

Axel groaned, reminding me of his presence next to me. The events of last night replayed in my head and couldn't help but smile at the memory, even though I tried not too.

Well, that was until I remember Axel calling me by a different name, then the smile automatically left my lips.

Faye. Where did I hear that name before? I picked my brain, trying to remember why that name sounded so familiar.

That's when it hit me, the mysterious boy from school who stopped me the day Axel drove me to the mall.

"I bet he still hasn't told you what happened to Faye has he?" His words repeated in my brain.

Who the hell was that boy? How'd did he know I was in trouble with Noah's gang? But most importantly who was Faye and what happened to her?

"What are you thinking so hard about?" Axel's voice was filled with amusement as he ran two fingers down the crease between my eyebrows.

I hadn't even noticed he had even woken up, I looked over at him with the same deep-in-thought look on my face. I unconsciously scooted away from Axel which granted me a confused look from him. And before I could stop myself, I opened my mouth and the question came out.

"Who's Faye?" I blurted out.

I felt Axel's whole body tense from beside me, the amusement that was in the room quickly changed. I took a shaky breath and met his eyes, which might I add, was a very bad idea because they were nothing but daggers looking back at me.

"What?" Axel looked at me through narrowed eyes.

"You called me Faye last night, who is she?" I pressed, narrowing my own eyes.

In the blink of an eye, Axel was off the bed and was throwing his shirt, that he had drunkenly taken off last night, back over his head. I've never seen anyone move so fast in my life.

"We're not having this conversation." He said through a locked jaw.

I mentally scolded myself for thinking Axel was going to be open with me for once.

"Why?" I pressed.

Axel's eyes were storming, I could physically see the rage swirling in them.

"Because I fucking said so." He shouted.

Classic Axel response.

"Fine, Sam!" I shouted back.

"Who the fuck is Sam?" Axel gave me a confused look.

"Who the hell is Faye?" I asked childishly.

I watched as Axel shook his head, curling his hands into fists before walking out my room into his, slamming the doors in the process.

That could have gone better.

*****

"Rylan, can you tell Ethan to pass the salt?" I said avoiding Axel's stare.

Rose wanted to have a"family dinner" with all the kids tonight, but because she got stuck with a late shift at the hospital, it was just me, Rylan, and Ethan (aka Axel) everyone else flaked out. I admit, I was acting like a child but it was entertaining to see Axel get so upset every time I called him the wrong name.

"You heard her Ethan, pass the salt," Rylan smirked over at him.

"Shut up fuckface." Axel hissed but passed the salt to Rylan who handed it to me.

"That's not a very nice language, Alex." I frowned disappointingly at him.

I saw Rylan try to hold in his snickering from beside me, not wanting to piss off Axel off even more. If he would just tell me who Faye was, none of this would be happening right now. But Axel is a stubborn, secretive creature and because I knew this about him I went to Rylan for answers.

Rylan told me, he had never heard of anyone named Faye, that it probably meant nothing and I shouldn't "worry my pretty little head about it". However, the way he fidgeted and stuttered saying her name told that wasn't the case, he knew who Faye was. And whoever she is, the both of them didn't want me to know about her.

The secrecy about this girl only made me want to know more about her. So come Monday, I'm going to search for the boy that told me about her in the first place. It couldn't be too hard to find that freckled face boy again.

"You know Angel," Axel started.

"I could take you upstairs and make you remember my name." He smirked over at me.

"No thanks, you'll probably accidentally call me Faye again." I snapped.

"Dayyyyyum." Rylan laughed out, almost choking on his mash potatoes.

"How about we go test that theory?" Axel asked, leaning in closer towards me from across the table.

"Okay!" Rylan jumped up.

"I think that's my cue to leave." He said, putting his empty plate in the sink before walking out.

"Wait Rylan! Don't leave me here with Frank!" I shouted at him but he was already gone.

I looked over to Axel only to see him staring at me with a tickled expression on his face.

"What are you so happy about?" I huffed out.

I froze when he stood up and stalked over to the seat that Rylan had just been in. Axel had a cocky smirk plastered on his face as he sat down.

"If I didn't know any better, I'd say you're jealous," Axel spoke, resting his chin on his hand.

"You wish." I rolled my eyes.

"I know." He said like it was nothing.

"What's that supposed to mean?" I gave him a look.

"Don't think I've forgotten how your lips felt against mine." He spoke lowly, looking down to my lips.

"Yeah, I believe your exact words were you "hated it" and "I can't believe I even kissed you." I quoted him, not missing the small ping in my chest from his words.

"Yeah, because I can't have people thinking I like you." He defended himself.

"And do you like me, Axel?" I asked, turning my head slightly.

"Don't be dense, Mia." He narrowed his eyes.

"I haven't gotten that stupid kiss out of my head since it happened." He whispered, leaning closer towards me.

I felt a shiver run down my spine when he licked his lips slowly and a giddy feeling erupted in my stomach from his words.

Axel's eyes kept dashing between my eyes and lips, not sure which to pay more attention too. I knew it was my turn to strike.

"Do you want to kiss me, Axel?" I whispered softly, brushing my lips against his. I surprised myself with how bold I was acting.

I watched as he swallowed hard and nodded his head, his eyes were dark and dangerous which cause a knot in my throat.

"Then tell me about Faye," I spoke, breaking the tension between us.

With that, I got up from the kitchen table and headed toward the stairs. I glanced back at Axel for a split second to his mouth gaping.

I, Mia Morrison, just led on a gang leader.

"Goodnight Huckleberry!" I called over shoulder before skipping up the stairs proud of myself.