7 : "GearKiller" by HappyChills

Greetings, @HappyChills!

Thanks for requesting for a review.

Note that I only read through a few chapters because of time constraints, but I do hope this is helpful enough in terms of improving your literary skills. Also, I do not critique books professionally  and this is merely a compilation of my opinions as another first-time reader of your work.

Anyways, on to the critique!

GENERAL FEEDBACK:

From the first chapters alone, I can tell you put in the effort to set up the scenes with enough descriptive imagery. Writing a story of this genre does require a fair amount of descriptions in every scene. So, good work on that. Narration-wise, I liked your character development and pacing. But the tense switches every now and then kinda threw me off. Probably not a big deal to most readers, but, yeah. I came across some issues with tense consistency, punctuation, typos, dialogue, and dialogue tags. They're easy to fix, anyway, and I'm sure if you read through your chapters, you can sort them out in no time.

Synopsis:

The premise was quite interesting, I must say--a futuristic extraterrestrial world where robots, people, and mafia bosses interact on a daily basis. I liked how you tried to hook the readers in with your blurb and the intriguing elements of your plot. But I do think the writing could be improved, just to make it flow better and come off as more polished.

Some edit suggestions:

The year is 2614. ("The" should be in uppercase - proper capitalization, full stop because the succeeding clause is also an independent clause / a full sentence) Cyber-steampunk robots make their living in the city of the moon, ruled by the two bosses which split the city into two turfs—Rose and Violet.

Some robots take up to their leader(s) *while* some just avoid taking part in the political side of things. (try not to overuse ellipses, better and more cohesive sentence construction)  Though if a robot were to search for happiness and a good time, (comma for a needed pause) there is only one place...

The little bar located in the right *northern* (typo) sector of town operates to bring happiness to *the* (POV switch) citizens. The bar owners, brothers Zick and Jack, (commas needed)  *strive to serve their customers as best as they can.* (ellipsis and some phrases not necessary)  Well...until they kinda messed up—a little incident with the boss' mafia may just put their business on hold.

Read on as our brothers fight through life's trials with love, action, drama and mystery in their journey through Metasteam and space.  (just some rewording to improve the narrative flow)

Chapter 1:

To be honest, the short introductory chapter didn't quite give me a better insight regarding the storyline yet. But I guess the length is preferable for readers who don't have much attention span ;)

As for the technical stuff, I did notice that there are some opportunities for improvement as I read through the chapter. Some edits I suggest:

Sad. Full of loneliness. (telling vs showing) His purple and orange striped shirt took the attention away from his braces, his head brandishing a wide fedora matching his black bow tie to fancy things up. (better sentence construction, less run-ons in this opening paragraph) His yellow jacket will keep him comfortable in case it gets cold.

runs out of his room, *comma needed* racing down the red wooden stairs as if his life depends on it. *Crying, he slows *tense switch* down as he nears the end of the stairs. He approaches *tense switch* the rusty metal door blocking the way. He opens it slowly to find his younger brother, now crying next to him. *try to vary your punctuation and not overuse ellipses*

"Waaah! I'm so done for! No one loves me! I'm so darn lonely! Why?" *This dialogue/line needs revision to make it seem more realistic and less amateur-ish. Also, don't use more than one punctuation at the end of a sentence/exclamation. 

e.g.  "No one loves me!  I'm so, darn, lonely! Why?"  instead of  "Why?!" ---> This immediately tells readers that this is unedited, amateur writing.

"What? Three. Darn. Thousand prons! I just drank a bit! This is outrageous!"  ---> You should lessen the excessive exclamation points.

The brown and yellow-suited figure *omit the comma* stares at him through *the* sunglasses. *full stop necessary*  The top of their head *whose head? why plural?* is covered using a broken deep brown top hat as he looks *tense switch* like he's already used to this situation.

"Fuck's sake, *comma needed* Jack. Not this again. This is the third girl this week. Are you serious?" Zick scowls through his words. *You could add a descriptive action by the speaker or a dialogue tag to indicate who's talking*  "Also, stop fuckin' drinking! It's no good for ya."

Chapter 2:

This is the part where you introduce the book's main character. I'm gonna be honest...the POV switch didn't make me want to read on. It might be confusing to some who have read the first chapter and expected that the story would be told entirely in third person POV.  That's just me, though. If you think this is the writing style you prefer for this novel, just ignore this comment :)

Moving on, you incorporate some world-building in this chapter. It seems a bit short for a full chapter, but it actually info-dumped all throughout, in my opinion. Be careful not to overwhelm the reader with a lot of "telling" and less "showing".

Chapter 3:

Okay. So you're back to writing in third person in this chapter. I kind of enjoyed the opening paragraphs. Reminds me of a certain movie. Anyways,  as I've pointed out earlier, your writing needs to be consistent with verb tense. In this chapter, you initially use past tense and then go back to present tense whereas in the first chapter, you wrote in present tense initially and kind of lost your footing in the later paragraphs.  I noticed the same punctuation issues, so I won't bang on about that. In conclusion, I liked the cliffhanger you included in this chapter :)

All in all, it was quite a fun read. I enjoyed the descriptions and how Jack and Zick interact with each other.  Your chapters just need some polishing off, and I'm sure you'll attract more readers after some editing/proofreading. Good luck! Keep writing! :)))

Your friendly critic,

M