Hi, GloriouslyFamous!

Hope you and your family are faring well at this time.

Thanks for requesting for a literary critique. I have checked out your story / book, and have jotted down feedback, issues, and points of interest in your work which I suppose can be improved by proofreading and some minor editing. 

(Note that I do not review books and literary works professionally, so kindly take this with a grain of salt. :)

Alright! On to the review!

GENERAL FEEDBACK:

Pretty interesting premise. The title intrigued me and the prologue was a fun read.

Nice descriptions. I could tell just from the opening scenes alone that you have a knack for setting up attention-grabbing descriptive imagery. The length of this prologue kind of confused me because I thought this could be as lengthy as chapter 1 but that's just me. :)

Your book is quite well-written and entertaining but I did come across a few issues which I will enumerate in detail below.

SENTENCE CONSTRUCTION

For the most part, your narration had some variation and it made me want to read on. But be careful with run-ons as it may throw off the reader because one too many run-ons in the same paragraph might confuse the reader.

Perhaps you could vary your sentence construction so the narration doesn't sound flat due to the usual

"Independent Clause + Dependent Clause"  structure.

e.g.

like shooting stars, shot towards different areas of the universe.

pushed out, turning the lake into a hollow depression.

Blood oozed out of the corpses, turning the land into a sea of blood.

This shadow resembled death  *and* passed through everywhere, reaping lives. (a comma after "death" would require a consistent verb tense throughout the sentence, so the last phrase should be: ", and reaped lives.")

DIALOGUE PUNCTUATION + TAGS:

Not a lot of glaring punctuation mistakes so far. I did write down the parts wherein punctuation use could be improved. See edit suggestions and tips below.

"Finally, I made it back," said the person

(maybe use "the person said in a weak voice" since "the person in a weak voice" sounds kinda iffy)

"So they knew that I have it," he said as he tried (no comma needed after "said")

*also, who is "he" in this sentence? this talks about a single character in this part, i assume? the paragraph break after the first dialogue line initially made me think "the figure" was the first one to sigh and say "I made it back." then another character sighed in relief (because of the paragraph break) and then said "So they knew that I have it..."

perhaps just omit the paragraph break to avoid confusion :) *

"Swish."  (this should be ended with a full stop before the closing quotation mark because there was no dialogue tag used)  He disappeared from there.

He reached out and tapped on it. (full stop instead of a comma since using a comma denotes a dialogue tag is used)  "I guess I have to start my plan early."

"I can heal my soul and body at the same time." He said the words with some ("somewhat of" sounds incorrect) uncertainty. *maybe you could show more instead of just telling the reader how the character spoke:

e.g.  "...at the same time," he muttered to himself, sounding uncertain to his own ears.

"Ahhhh," he shouted in pain. ("Ahhhh" with a comma before the dialogue tag "shouted in pain" doesn't seem right. maybe use "Argh!"  The excruciating pain made him shout. )

"What's done is done," he sighed. The Pyramid did not seem ("sighed" can be used as a dialogue tag so no need to insert a paragraph break)

"I need to hurry." (full stop is the appropriate punctuation since there is no dialogue tag used after the dialogue )

Then a lady wearing green entered. (a full stop instead of a comma because "entered" is not a dialogue tag)

"What are your orders, Your Majesty?" *she* said  with a lovely voice. ("she said" is a dialogue tag so use lowercase)

*insert paragraph break to indicate that another person / character is aboug to speak / do something* 

The pair of eyes merely looked at her and said, "It has started. *full stop needed or use a semicolon*  Make preparations."

In a graveyard, (pause needed) a man sat and drank what looked like cheap wine. (using active voice vs passive voice) He looked at the sky and started to laugh. (adding "hahahahaha," doesn't make the narration flow well)

"Cough." (remove this part. it makes it sound like the man laughed and said "Cough" twice.) I guess I should go down there. It will be much more lively."

VERBS + TENSES:

In the first parts of the prologue, I noticed you switched from past to present tense with your verbs and linking verbs so perhaps you could proofread those opening paragraphs. Below are some edit suggestions to help you improve your narrative flow and  tense consistency.

Its reflection turned (maybe use another verb since "turn" has been used twice in 2 consecutive paragraphs) the moonlight blood-red.

The area became a normal-looking cave again, ("became" sounds better than "returned back")

started to absorb everything around it.

All the energy in the room was absorbed,

The Pyramid resembled a Blackhole absorbing everything.

*maybe you could change up the verb usage here so it doesn't sound repetitive)

He knew that his actions *would* have many consequences. (must use consistent verb tense, which, in this case, should be past tense since it's what you started out with in the prologue)

On top of a mountain, an old man looked at the sky ("looks" is in present tense and deviates from your narration's chosen tense)

OTHER TYPOS:

pushed out, *turning* the lake into a hollow depression.

Upon reaching an *unimaginable height*, it exploded.

•••

Apologies if I hadn't been able to read through the rest. Lacking free time, unfortunately. But I hope this helps you in some way especially when it comes to polishing off your  narration.  Keep writing and improving. Have fun! :)

Your friendly critic,

M