2: "Death and the Emperor"

Hi there NerissaMcC !

Thanks for requesting for a critique.

I see you've already uploaded a bunch of chapters and your book is starting to build up a number of loyal readers, so keep up the good work. This review is published merely to help you improve as a writer.

Should you find some parts of this critique rather fussy or overly critical, or just plain irrelevant, you may request to have it deleted from this REVIEW BOOK. Bear in mind that this is just a summary of my opinions as a first time reader of your work.

So, to start off, let's discuss the prologue.

PROLOGUE

the quote was a nice touch

although the last parts were all 'telling' paragraphs, i think this prologue didn't give away too much because i found myself intrigued enough to read on

had some elements of mystery and presented an interesting premise, and the narration did quite enough to start building up your characters' personalities

*Some technical issues:

carefully planned gardens, (i think the hyphen is unnecessary)

the first paragraphs could do without the adverbs being in such close proximity

nice descriptions, but the part where Nimetath was staring out the window and describing the gardens could be revised to improve the sentence structures and narrative flow

"I trust you can take care of...everything else." (no spaces necessary before and after an ellipsis)

The House of Caranilnav had (tense switch) ruled the Empire of Carann for a thousand years, or so the history books said. (tense switch) Those same books said (tense switch) that the

that had (tense switch) ruled wisely and justly

And if occasionally the Emperors and Empresses had used (tense switch) force

well, such things were (tense switch) often

**wait. did u intentionally write this in present tense? if so, ignore my previous revisions on the tense switches

Chapter 1

first three paragraphs were all info-dumping. maybe this could be lessened

there was another tense switching after the first long paragraph

Some minor corrections:

Everything else in the end is (typo)

"Mother!" He wailed in the high-pitched, grating tone

('wailed' is a verb that means to cry weakly or softly, or emit long loud cries. it can't be used as a dialog tag)

and when she visited, (missing comma) she always brought toys

of Zjurkyu. So when she did visit, it was always a special treat.

**try not to overuse semicolons

POINTS of FOCUS: Plot and characterization

My apologies that I couldn't provide a more in-depth criticism on your plot and characterization. I just didn't have time to read through every chapter. Although, from the parts I've read alone, I can tell you have a knack for plot pacing and effective characterization that makes your target audience want to read on.

All in all, I enjoyed reading it. Your practically flawless writing style held my attention longer than I thought it would, since I'm not an avid reader of paranormal or sci-fi/fantasy fics.

The ending of the first part made me want to read on. I take it Kilan's journey to the throne would be the main focus of this story.

Some parts need a little polishing to make the narration flow even better, but they're relatively easy fixes.

Good luck!

Your friendly critic,

M

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