Tainted

“Why did he have to run?” I murmur as I wipe my tears, interrupting their innocent flow. I go near his body to pray for his soul’s smooth journey, “May you get to visit Paradise my friend” addressing his fast-decaying corpse. Only 20 lives remaining, I can already feel the effects. As I make my way back to the town, I can hear the clamorous sounds in the distance. My mistake, it’s nearer than I thought; they are executing the civilians again, I should hide; I have exhausted my abrasive behaviour for the day.  

“What’re you doing here?” I hear someone say from behind me; I question the lord’s apocryphal existence. 

“I... I was just finding my way back to the town.” 

“Giving up on an opportunity like this? You aren’t trying to betray us or anything, right?” he asked me without flinching. Only if I had the verve to shout at him and tell him that I had lost interest in their cause a long time ago and just wanted to find my way back to my family. 

“It could never hurt to kill a few of those filthy insects.” 

“Few? It’s your lucky day my friend, you’re going to kill all of them, we’ll just be crowd controllers.” he pierces my ears with these words as we make our way to the execution. I can see a strong resolve in his eyes as he stares at me and waits for me to take aim with my rifle. My finger on the trigger, I can smell the gunpowder in the air; the bullets residing in the corpses lying on the ground. I bolster my will and take my first shot. My shot is accompanied by a chuckle from the man who brought down this egregious fate onto me. 19 lives remaining; I need my family. Another shot, through the head of the man beseeching for his life; 18 lives left. I could hear some soldiers clapping at my dismal success. 

With every shot I took, the haunting screams of the person standing at the other side of my rifle reflected their whole lives. From within them, it wasn’t happiness that was emanating, neither was it sadness. It felt like a vessel had placed itself within me, carrying the heavy souls of the people I had killed and am continuing to kill; a vessel with its bottom so deep that I had to fall in to find the end.

7 innocent humans in front of me who are still questioning their fault in being born the way they are, 8 soldiers around me wishing for me to assuage their thirst for bloodshed, and me, a coward doing what they want me to without demurring. There is no point in still holding on to my spurious ideals. I will soon give up my will to live if I kill any more people. How will I face them? What will they think of me? Will they accept a spineless murderer as their father? 

With all my sequestered hate for the cause now taking over me, I let myself do what I should have done years ago; I turn my rifle towards the man who dragged me into this and take my shot. I started counting my seconds as soon as the bullet left the rifle. A clean shot through his eyes; a clean one through my chest as well. With all the strength left in me, I shoot once more, taking another soldier down with me.  

I can feel my body filled with more lead than it could take. Plummeting, my head falls into the embrace of my betrothed; her hand on my face, rubbing my beard while asking me to close my eyes and rest. Glancing a look at the face that can only be defined as divine, I let my eyes close, descending into a slumber I wish I had experienced while breathing.