Atychiphobia: Fear of failure. 

I’m awake.

My face felt numb, like every cell in it was dead, swollen like it was stuffed and my head ached like it had the weight of the whole world on it. My hands were beside me and just like every part of my body, felt lifeless and numb.

I could hear my steady heartbeats and gentle breaths fanning my swollen lips. The sunrays warmed up my body, probably an effort to help regain my energy.

“Can you hear me?”

The voice, as if it came from a distance, was faint and soft but definitely masculine.

Then the memories came rushing in like a broken dam. He predicted I couldn’t do it, no one believed I could after a year of daily training, I had the opportunity to take him down, I didn’t want to hurt him, he didn’t want to hurt me either, told me to give up, I didn’t and he ended it.

I lost.

Two words that kept running through my head over again, kept showing me how much of a loser I was for missing the chance to win for a guy that did it when he got the chance.

The thought of it brought tears to my eyes and even when they were closed, I still felt the tears spilling out repeatedly.

“It’s Ignis, please open your eyes Caeli.”

My eyes slowly peeled open. At first, blurry from the tears but after a few blinks and teardrops, regained its vision. Ignis was on a chair close to my bed, holding my hands in his with a smile plastered to his face.

“It’s okay” He said, moving closer and with the aid of his fingers, wiping the tears “Don’t cry”

“I’m sorry”

He tried to help and because of my stubbornness, I shut him out. He knew I couldn’t do it and unlike the rest of the, reached out to help even when his failed attempt was against the rules.

I welcomed him with the harshest words, broke it and told him to leave. 

Yet, there he was again, staying with me when the rest were not.

Once again, I felt the tears begin to roll down my eyes uncontrollably. “I’m so sorry Ignis. I’m sorry for yelling at you when you tried to help”

“It’s okay. You’re only making it worse by crying.”

“I’m a loser”

“No, you’re no_”

“I can’t do it. I can’t stand a chance, she’ll kill me_”

“Stop it. You’re going to quit all because you got defeated in a stupid fight?”

“I’ve trained for a year, a whole year and I can’t take Lux down? It didn’t take minutes before I gave up, Xelexia would have me down in two seconds”

I had never felt so bad as I did while I lied down on the bed and let the tears fall. Maybe I could’ve felt better if the fight went on for minutes but I was down in just sixty seconds. The pain, disgrace and shame was weighing me down.

I couldn’t imagine staying before Axel after I lost like he said, Lux after he basically beat me to pulp or the disappointment across Natalie’s face after realizing I wasn’t any better than he said I was.

None of them stayed to see the loser after the fight.

“All you need is more training and that’s it. What if you have for one year? We’ve all been training for years, ever since were kids cause that’s how it works in Anel. Don’t be so hard on yourself” He paused “You know what? I think the serum stuff is making you all emotional. The effect should end in a few hours and I can’t watch you do this. I’m gonna inject you now and hopefully, you’ll wake up when the effect is over”

I shut my eyes when I felt the pinch on my neck followed by the sound of Ignis placing the syringe on the wooden table.

It took a few seconds before I passed out. 

🦋. 🦋. 🦋. 🦋. 🦋

I woke up, once again.

I felt a lot different from the way I did before. The numbness was almost non-existent, my eyelids weren’t as heavy and I could finally feel my body. The swelling was gone, at least with all I could feel and my arms and legs functioning like they used to.

I opened my eyes a second later and scanned my surrounding. I let out a soft breath after realizing I was in the same position as I was before I went into my deep slumber. The only difference was that I was a lot stronger and less emotional than before.

“Hey”

Turning my head sharply to the side, I saw Lux sitting beside my bed in the same position Ignis was.

He didn’t look hurt, neither did he have a single scratch on him. Nothing I did had an effect on him, he looked just as healthy as ever. Not even a look of stress or circles beneath his eyes. Crossing his arms over his chest, he gave me a look I couldn’t quite interpret or stare at for so long.

Staring back at him only made me feel more of a loser than I thought I was.

“Do you feel better now?”

Without giving him a reply, I turned to the other side of the bed all curled up like a ball and faced the wall instead.

“Are you mad at me?”

“Leave me alone” I whispered. Not loud enough for him to hear but I didn’t care if he did.

“Why did you stop?”

I understood he was referring to the chance I had during the fight but with no proper reply I could say, I kept quiet.

“You could’ve had the chance to end it right there but you didn’t”

“Leave me alone Lux” I said, a little louder than before “I don’t have answers to your questions”

“Sadly, I can’t leave you alone. Not till thirty minutes when you’ll be back to normal” He paused “You didn’t lose because I’m stronger. You stand a chance against Ignis and Axel but not against me”

“You’re so full of yourself” I huffed at his ego.

“Cause you didn’t want to hurt me and if you believe or not, I didn’t want to hurt you either. You left me with no choice, Caeli”

“We could’ve just ended the fight with no one getting hurt”

“We can’t”

“Who’s gonna stop us if we both quit?”

“That’s not how it works, someone has to give up”

“We can go against the rules, you know?”

“Then you won’t understand how much of a big deal this is.”

“I understand_”

“No, you don’t. You just think you’re gonna walk in there, grow some curly stems and end her. That’s now how it works, Caeli. Xelexia is a lot smarter than you think. Maybe you’ll be able to take her down if she has no artificial powers but she does. She’s got strong black magic from god knows where and you won’t be able to make it past her guards by simply growing trees”

“Maybe you’re right” I started “Maybe I can’t make it past her guards and I never will”

“Maybe you shouldn’t give up so fast”

“Maybe I won’t be able to take her down when I can’t handle a simple god like you”

“Maybe you shouldn’t make yourself feel like a loser” He said harshly “The only reason you lost is because I can control my feelings and you can’t. Whatever this is, I don’t know but we both have to control it, okay?”