Dark nights that won’t pass, tears that won’t stop falling, that one time when I needed inspiration and a reason to hope for a better tomorrow but there was no light at the end of the tunnel, the many thoughts that I would have changed the situation by one decision, the blank stares at the thatched roof of our heart answers the silence that cuddles me up instead, the many screams inside my thoughts but now I can’t rely upon or form the word’s “it’s not depression” instead they are pillow thought’s, lying at Meditrust Healthcare Services hospital I knew this was surely it, coz I was in a lot of pain, was I badly hurt, I asked. I wiggled both my leg, which were more obliging than my right and right side of my face, I then said to myself it couldn’t be that bad, I decided. My spinal cord was still working, pulsing routinely against the flesh of the right side of my face and my forehead, I call this a migraine, and it was worse than any other headache I had ever felt. My right hand had swollen up and skin toured apart that I began thinking was it broke, both my legs had formed lymph and what I could only hope for that time was that I had no fracture. 

A word from the wise, don't try to make life on your own, remember that Jah just is by your side for I was a son who was lost and my life was in dismay. For the money the forces in which I came and partying like style were my chosen way of life, I became a bystander in my own life, with God-fearing people I chose to strife cause my mother once told me, “you lose your secrets when you let people get too close”. It can be painful to let someone find you in all the dark and twisty places inside but you have to hope they do cause that’s the beginning of everything, though I never lived as he wanted, am still mindful of what he taught me, so now I beg and plea, I am on bending knees, sir God please rescue me. I opened my eyes to see a clear blue sky, only to see a beam of light and a man leaning over me, he checked on me as he wrote on a pad and inquired if I knew where I was, my name and if I recall what had happened that dreadful day. The only thing I knew at that time of the day was my name cause I had a rule in my life that it’s best to say exactly what you mean or nothing at all, unrelenting honesty you may say and I had no regrets on that cause my only focus was on my headache, I guessed it served him right for wanting the juicy stuff too soon.

So the paramedics did his stuff and then informed me that he was going to give me an injection for my pains but also warned me of the side effects which were dehydration, sweating, trouble urinating, muscle tension, tremors, and my greatest fear anal leakage but I whispered if anything drips out of my anus, just kill me, please. You may think of it as humor but I wasn’t ready to smear feces on the good name I had made out for myself, a kind of celebrity you may say, an established author who was indeed very successful. I couldn’t imagine myself being wiped out, of the excrement oozing out of my own ass, or being escorted to the toilet and my pen being held up high for me to urinate and being washed cause I wasn’t able to move my body parts, this my friend I can’t bear, so I guess the real question is who am I?  Back when I was a high school kid, my greatest failure, hands down had been hiding from the ones I love for believing a voice in my head when it tells me “I’m good for nothing, I don’t deserve to be alive, am ruining my parent’s life, like what purpose do I serve in this earth?”, it all started after the Kenya national examination council exams, people immediately looked at me differently, like I was seen a loser since I wasn’t very good in academics, no matter what I did, I couldn’t get them to see me as they did before but I guessed it was my own doing. This ate up my mind during those olden days after being a good Christian union councilor and a prayer warrior, I went astray. Like what was I to do after all the fasting and praying and for nothing, like what?

The only time I got to be exactly who I wanted was when I was writing, it’s like everything disappears and I get to be in full control, I get to inspire, I get to motivate, I get to communicate, I get to be loved and acknowledged by my readers, it’s a very nice feeling to be heard and not just to be observed, I swear. You just don’t know how it feels; I got to have a thing of my own after a long soul searching and decided to be a loner, fake friend’s revolved around me like one night stands, people I met at the bar and my readers became my close community and relatives. The only thing I worshipped was my laptop and my imaginative mind, truth be said, is that “the older you get, the more difficult it is to stay sane”. I became a form of a maniac and only believed what I wanted; when I wanted and it made me full of shit as the saying goes “being ambiguous doesn’t make you profound”. Am only telling you this because if we confess our sins then he is faithful and just, he will purify us of all unrighteousness and well you never know this might be it for me. I had also composed a poem for myself titled GIFT just in case.

G-Is for gone & never to return in the world of the living.

I- Is for I love you Gift

F-Is for forever in our hearts Gift

T-Is for a true legend is gone

Am walking through a storm out, am walking head’s up for God does not give us the spirit of cowardice but rather the spirit of power and love, perhaps he reconsiders his agendas cause it seems to me like I got the short end of the stick, farewell fellows, until we meet again.