NIKHIL’S & TANUJA’S ROOM – MUCH LATER 
 
Tanuja lay sprawled in bed, face down, clutching a pillow, holding it close to her chest as if seeking comfort. Her face, red and streaked with tears, finally emerged from the crinkled sheets. Completely drained from crying, she let out a weary sigh. Once again, Nikhil’s words echoed in her head.  
 
“Get this goddammit! I need my space!” 
 
“I don’t need you sitting on top of my head and dictating terms!” 
 
“I don’t need you!” 
 
“I’ll do what I want!” 
 
“If you feel so bored go and FIND something to do!” 
 
A SERIES OF FLASHBACKS: 
 
Nikhil, slouched over a three-seater couch, taps away on his tablet. Tanuja sinks onto the couch just beside him, hugging his arm. He doesn’t acknowledge her touch. She asks him something, but he is engrossed in his Facebook and Twitter and doesn’t hear her. She repeats her words, but he never responds. Heart sinking, her smile fades away. 
The night of their first anniversary, Nikhil, intoxicated, drunk to the ears, trudges into their room, slumps onto the bed, and passes out. Tanuja watches him for a moment, turns over, and quietly cries herself to sleep.  
Tanuja visits the temple with Nikhil who makes a quick exit. On her way out, she finds a couple moving around like best friends and realizes that Nikhil was nowhere next to her. They lived together and yet they were so far apart.  
On the evening of their second anniversary, Nikhil breaks his promise once again. He cancels their plans and instead goes out to party with friends.  

END OF FLASHBACKS. 
 
BACK TO TANUJA. 
 
Tanuja overwhelmed and saddened, broke down crying once again. Her chest ached like a heart attack, her head pounded like a stroke, yet, she was unable to contain herself. The feeling of being unloved, unwanted, and unimportant was scary. Looking back, things had shifted between them in just a few months into their marriage. What could have gone wrong, she always wondered. Have I done something wrong? Maybe, yes.  
 
FLASHBACK - NIKHIL’S & TANUJA’S ROOM – NIGHT  
 
Nikhil was already in bed when Tanuja stepped out of the shower. She’d had a long day and was ready to drop like a rock. She quickly dressed up and slipped into bed. Soon, she felt him move in. “Still awake?” she asked. 
 
“Hmm, what took you so long?” 
 
Tanuja gazed into his eyes. They were soft and longing, a look that she was too familiar with, a look that meant he needed it. Right now. 
Her heart quickened; she didn’t want it. Not now. She was worn out, exhausted. All that she needed now was some time to herself, some time to wind out, and a good night’s sleep.  
Despite her hesitation, he made his move, wrapping a leg around and brushing his hardness over her. She grew uncomfortable as he planted soft kisses, gently coursing from her ears down her neck and breasts.  
 
“Nikhil...” she mumbled.  
 
“Hmm?” He had already begun to pamper her, doing things with his fingers, trying to switch her on. But all what it did was turn on the panic button.  
 
“Nikhil... not now...” She spilled the words with great effort. Refusing him was something she didn’t fancy, however, giving in at an inappropriate moment wasn’t something she could digest either.   
 
“Come on, take it off,” he moaned, tugging at her clothes.  
 
“Nick--- Nikhil,” she pleaded, her breath getting stuck in her throat. 
 
Ignoring her pleas, he sat up, bringing her up too. When he gently stripped her to the flesh, it did nothing other than turn her into stone – stiff, rigid, emotionless, and uncomfortable.  
 
He held her close, moving his lips over all the right places on her smooth, milky skin and gently sinking his teeth into her soft, fragrant flesh. “You smell beautiful,” he remarked.  
 
Heart pounding, eyes stinging with tears, she followed all instructions, wrapping her arms around him, attempting to give him what he needed. But it all came to a grinding halt when she felt his hands exploring her, one stopping over her breast and the other finding its way into her core.  
 
She gasped, making him chuckle proudly. Taking his lips in hers, he silenced her with a long, passionate kiss. “Kiss me,” he urged breathlessly.  
 
She tried, but little could she do to respond with the same passion.  
 
Nikhil urgently progressed to the next level, towering over her in his full glory, smirking, rendering her motionless. As he entered, she attempted to space out, to numb herself. Her hands groped around and clutched the sheets into a fist as he pushed deeper. 
 
Sensing her discomfort, he attempted to soothe her with a kiss. “What’s wrong?” he asked quietly while still in her.  
 
“Nothing,” she lied.  
 
He resumed his entry, starting off with soft, short jabs and progressing to deep, hard ones. His skin shone with sweat as he picked up his pace.  
 
A soft cry of pain and anguish escaped her lips.  
 
“Relax, don’t tense yourself,” he hushed and continued to penetrate her.  
 
Tanuja became aware of the tears trickling down her eyes, the fear in her head, the unwillingness to engage in sex, and his refusal to respect her needs. She couldn’t take it anymore, she wanted it to stop, to be left alone.  
 
Hearing her sob, Nikhil paused and raised himself on his arms, peering down at her. Seeing her state, he frowned. Disturbing thoughts and a lot of questions crossed his mind, stuff that put him off instantly. She is always like this; uncooperative, uninterested. He’d begun to believe that it was something about him that discouraged her, he just couldn’t put a finger to what it exactly was.  
 
Without much ado, he withdrew, got into his tracks, and went to sleep.  
 
Tanuja was traumatized. She never wanted to refuse him, she never wished to put him off or let him down either, but it always ended up that way. She dreaded these sessions because of that. Many a time, she’d considered staying up late till he was dead asleep just to avoid this activity. She was struggling to fight this issue, she couldn’t get to talk about it either, she had no clue how he’d take it. Rolling over, still naked, more tears escaped her eyes. That was the last time they ever had sex.  
 
Flash forward, Nikhil made several attempts on many occasions but each time, they only managed to progress to the pre-strip level. Then one day, Nikhil stopped trying altogether. Not just sex. But everything else.  
 
END OF FLASHBACK. 
 
BACK TO TANUJA. 
 
Tanuja felt terrible for having to deny him, for her inability to feel pleasure like a normal woman, for having failed his expectations. She broke down sobbing again until a loud rap on the door stopped her.  
 
“Tanuja?” A woman’s voice called from outside the door.  
 
Tanuja sat up wondering what to do. She was frantic, she couldn't open the door in this state.  
 
“Tanuja? Are you in there?” The woman knocked again.  
 
Left with no choice, Tanuja quickly wiped her face and got to her feet. “Coming,” she responded and opened the door. It was Aparna, Nikhil’s mother.  
 
“Tanuja! What happened? How come you’re still here? I thought you people were going out somewhere?” Aparna was a tall, lanky woman in her mid 60’s with salt and pepper hair. She sounded like the sweetest flowing honey ever, but Tanuja’s response always got people thinking.  
 
"Yeah... But uh… Nikhil can’t make it. He’s caught up with some urgent work at the office. So, we thought of going some other time.” Tanuja sounded flat and low.   
 
Aparna noticed the redness in her eyes. “Are you alright?” she asked in concern. 
 
“Y-yes, I’m fine,” she lied. 
 
“Are you sure? You look very sick.” 
 
“No, nothing, just have a headache. That’s all.” 
 
“Then you should have told me! Why didn’t you tell me?” Aparna reached out and caressed Tanuja’s chin to which she cringed a bit.  
 
“Nothing that a nap won’t solve,” she responded, slowly backing off. 
 
“Did you take a tab for that?” asked Aparna. 
 
“Yes,” she lied again.   
 
“Did you eat something?” she probed on.  
 
“No. I’m not hungry. Probably later.” Tanuja tried not to look or sound irritated.   
 
“Are you nauseous?” 
 
“No, I’m fine, just a headache.” She sighed.  
 
“Okay fine. Get some rest, then. Call me if you need anything.” 
 
“Sure, thanks. Good night.” 
 
Aparna finally left and Tanuja was relieved to see her go. She was beginning to get suffocated by her interrogation. She quickly latched up the door, slipped into bed, plugged her earphones into her phone, and listened to music. Her eyes drooped as the soothing melody sunk in and coursed through.  

*** 

 
Much later, Nikhil returned to his cabin after a meeting with his boss. He plopped onto his chair and began packing up when the very thought of going home reminded him of Tanuja and the spat they had earlier. He paused in his tracks as his own words exploded in his head.  
 
“Get this goddammit! I need my space!” 
 
“I don’t need you sitting on top of my head and dictating terms!” 
 
“I don’t need you!” 
 
“I’ll do what I want!” 
 
“If you feel so bored go and FIND something to do!” 
 
Sighing, he shut his laptop, leaned back onto his chair, and palmed his face. How he wished he had kept his cool. But now, it was too late. “Great,” he hissed, “now I’ve to deal with this.” 
 
He checked his watch. It was half-past midnight. Exasperated, he picked up his phone and almost dialed Tanuja’s number. He fiddled with the phone while weighing his options. He wasn’t sure what state she was in now. Patching up with her over the phone wasn’t the best thing to do at the moment. Having made up his mind, he stuffed the phone into his pocket and packed up.  

*** 

 
Much later at the Varma’s residence, Aparna answered the door to Nikhil. “So late today?” she queried as he walked through.  
 
“Yeah, loads of work,” he responded wearily and took the stairs to their bedroom.  
 
“Did you eat anything?” she asked.  
 
“Uh-huh,” he mumbled.  
 
“Is that a yes or no?” 
 
“Yes! For God’s sake!” He shot back and disappeared.  
 
Aparna, wonderstruck, mumbled to herself, “what’s wrong with this boy today?” 

*** 

 
Nikhil was at their door now. He turned the knob, but it didn’t budge. “Now why the hell has she locked up the damn door?” he muttered angrily and knocked hard. “Open up!” he demanded. He absolutely loathed anything and everything standing in his way after a long day at work. “I said open!” He knocked harder and louder, still, there was no response from inside. “Tanuja!” he rattled the knob and banged the door. 
 
Hearing the commotion, Aparna came upstairs. “What? What is it?” 
 
"She’s locked the damn door!” he spat. Probably getting her revenge, he thought bitterly.  
 
“She could be asleep,” she suggested.  
 
“Like this!” Tanuja was a deep sleeper. And it was always irritated him that she could sleep like a log.  
 
“She wasn’t too good when I saw her earlier tonight, she looked terrible. Her eyes were all bloodshot and she looked so weak. She told me she had a headache.” 
 
Nikhil turned pale. What if she was crying after our spat? What if she did something stupid? 
“Shit,” he hissed.  
 
“What? What is it?” she probed.  
 
“Stand back!” he instructed and stepped away from the door. He was going to break it down. All the while, he prayed that he didn’t have to see the unthinkable inside. If he did, he could never forgive himself.  

___________________