It’s been weeks since my last breakdown. I am now able to get in my closet without turning into a blubbering mess. That night out with Nate really did help a lot. I told him everything, well I at least answered his questions, I was still to unsure of myself to just volunteer too much information. I am still surprised at myself that I spent so many years not really being allowed to live in my own home that just cooking a meal in my kitchen is a dream. Looking out the living room window into the rain I replay that night.

“Damn I’m good,” Nate boasted, “I mean you look amazing no matter what you are wearing, but mm mm girl you are sizzling. Let’s go.”

Blushing from head to toe I curtsy. Nate had picked out a mid-calf length, tiffany blue, chiffon dress with a sweetheart neckline that showed off the girls in a tasteful way. This dress hugged my curves, but the way I was being looked at by everyone I felt confident for the first time in forever. We had a blast dancing, drinking and he even got me on stage to sing karaoke. Right before closing time the D.J. played a slow song that filled my mind with happier times. I remembered it was also the first song that Nate and I ever couple skated to.

Nate walked up behind me and sang, “From the very first time that I saw her brown eyes, her lips said hello and I said hi. I knew right then she was the one,” spinning me around.

“Oooo very suave,” lightly slapped his shoulder, he caught my hand and pulled me closer to him.

“Dance with me?” he whispered in my ear. The feeling of his breath on my skin sent goosebumps where it touched. I shook my head yes and he led me to the dance floor.

Nate had never held me that close before, not even when he had a crush on me in the eighth grade. He thought no one knew, especially me, but the whole school knew.

“Hey Mom!” Willow says as she walked in the room. “What’s with that shy little grin you’re wearing?” She stops to inspect my face.

“Hey there jellybean, how was school?” I ask as she settles down on the couch with me and I avoid her questioning.

She snuggles into me stealing most of my blanket. “Hey brat!” I exclaim, “You’re soaking wet and cold!”

Laughing Bailey walks into the living room rain dripping from her strawberry blonde curls, “Am I invited to the snuggle party?” she asked.

I open my arms to her inviting her in for a hug. She rubs her sodden curls over my face before settling on the other side of me. I’m now wet and cold stuck between two blanket hogs.

Before I had the chance to ask about their days Paige came running in and jumped on the couch covering us all with a fresh layer of cold rain.

“Ugh really you guys?” I laugh, “All this coldness is making me have to pee!”

“Oh no” said one.

“Gotta run” said another.

“You better keep that to yourself” said the other.

They all take off to their rooms to hopefully get dry and changed. As for me I am going to hobble to the laundry room and climb inside the dryer to warm up.

Once I got into the laundry room, I started the dryer on the shortest time so I could have warm clothes in hopes that my bones could be unfrozen. Stripping off my soaked clothes, I bend and twist to make sure the cold cloth doesn’t touch me as much as possible. Once I have succeeded, I toss them in the wash just as the laundry hatch for the upstairs rooms open and more drenched clothing falls directly into the washer on top of my own. That chute was the best investment. The dryer’s done signal chimes, I sling the door open, contemplate climbing in as I grab my warm clothes. Sliding my sweats on I feel my body’s positive response to the temperature change so by time I finish pulling on my oversized hoodie I feel like I have climbed inside a warm fuzzy blanket.

“So what’s with mom?” I heard one of the girls ask.

“I don’t know she just had this dreamy smile on her face when I got home.” Willow answered.

“Any idea of who or what she was thinking about? DO you think she’s seeing someone new?” the other girl asked. That line of conversation ended as I walked into the room.

“Mom, What’s for dinner?” Bailey asked acting like there was nothing else being discussed.

“Um, well, to be honest I hadn’t thought about it. I’m sorry I’ll throw something together right now.” I said quickly my nerves stretched thin like a piano string. Oh no not again, not right now.

“It’s cool, calm down. We would really like takeout anyway of that’s ok.” Stated Paige, I hadn’t even seen her standing there.

“Are you sure? It’s really no bother. It’s actually in my job description to make meals for my girls.” I joked trying to settle my nerves.

Willow rolled her eyes and said, “Mom chill it’s totally fine. We love you and all, but you’ve had a lot going on and you need time to just relax.” Willow added, “Plus, we’re big kids now and know how to use your credit card.” She put on a faux shocked face which made me laugh.

My stomach was still in knots afraid they were going to think I was not putting them first. I start to feel like the walls are closing in and it’s hard to breathe. I had to get away, “Ok, sure, whatever y’all want ok.” I struggle to put on a smile, “I am going to go get a blanket and I’ll meet you girls back in the living room for movie night, sound good?” I had to get myself under control.

“Mom, hey, you good?” Bailey asked. She has always been my most observant child.

Just take a deep breath and calm down. “Yes, sweetie I am fine. I promise.” Resting my hand on her cheek as I say the words helps me believe them a little more. Bailey searches my eyes and finally lets me pass.

“What do you want to eat mom?” Paige calls after me.

“Just pick whatever sweetie. I am good with whatever.” I manage to squeeze out of my closing throat. Not again please God not again.

Sure enough as soon as I got my bedroom door shut I slid down the door to the floor with my hand over my mouth to muffle the powerful screams escaping me. This was so much more violent then the few before. Sobs rocked my body so hard I couldn’t stop shaking. My breathing was labored, and the tears just wouldn’t stop. I’m so mad at him for this, so mad at myself for not being brave or smart enough to leave. Will I ever be ok again? I asked myself.

“Mom? You ready?” the girls holler up the stairs.

In. Out. In. Out. Deep cleansing breaths. “Yeah, go ahead and start a movie. I’ll be down in a bit.” I failed in sounding like I hadn’t been crying.

Walking into the living room I am met with six pairs of eyes showing a myriad of emotions. The must have heard me crying. Now they are going to want to talk and I just don’t think I can go through all that right now. Trying to lighten the mood, “So, what’s for dinner?”

All them took turns looking at me then back at each other a few times before anyone answered.

“Tacos,” Willow answered warily. She knows something is wrong, maybe I can distract her with money or something. None of them need to know my burdens.

After a few more exchanged glances I got the feeling no one was going to bring up what they thought was going on so we sat in comfortable silence and watched all the Twilight Saga movies, a few Disney movies and finally decided around four in the morning that bed sounded amazing so we all went our separate ways to fall into our beds and sleep peacefully. I was exhausted. As I lay there images of the last twelve months plague my dreams. Never in my life would I think that I would have experienced all that I have just within the last year. Trying to sleep peacefully was officially off the table so I guess I would have to settle for night terrors and cold sweats.